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When Marriage Ain’t All Peaches And Cream

Relationships

by  |  on June 7th, 2010  |  15 comments

peaches

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

I consider myself lucky that my marriage, for the most part, sails smoothly. Yes, we have minor disagreements from time to time, but usually we’re able to squash whatever beef we have with each other quickly and resume our regularly scheduled lives.

But then there are times when it takes a little longer to soothe a hurting heart and you need ways to cope until your marriage is right side up again. What do I usually do to help me pass the time?

Take a walk. You’ve got to get outside, in fresh air and just look at nature, at God’s creation. It’s simply breathtaking and if you let your mind go free, you can lose yourself in the beauty that surrounds you and free your mind of the turmoil at home.

Pop in your favorite gospel song. Some people would substitute this with reading the Bible or hitting up a mid-week Bible study class, but there’s something about the melody of gospel music that soothes my soul and makes me feel whole again.

Write. If I’m upset with my husband and there’s something that I can’t let go but I feel like I’ve talked the subject to death, I’ll write a quick e-mail to him. I’ll include why I’m upset and why it’s his fault. LOL. Then I delete it. (Make sure you don’t put his e-mail address in the To: field when you start writing, to avoid accidentally sending it to him.) It’s cathartic to put it down in writing and I kind you not, even if you don’t send it, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Of course, you can always hit send, but make sure it’s not accusatory.

Spend time together. Even if you don’t quite want to. When I’m really upset, I’d prefer to be left alone and do the aforementioned things. But sometimes in order to get your marriage back on track it’s important to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Marriage can be difficult at times and taking the easy way out (my opinion: silent treatment sometimes falls in that category) doesn’t help matters.

So tell me, BMWK family, what do you do when you’re at the end of a marital rift and the dust hasn’t quite settled?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (15)

  1. Staycee2 Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    GREAT POST!!! When my husband & I were in Pre-Marital Counseling we learned to give each other SPACE. With that being said, we give each other SPACE when we've had a marital rift and the dust hasn't settled. Because if we don't, things can really really get nasty and I don't like to FIGHT! That's OUR way of handling things.
  2. Aja Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    I read a book one time ( can't remember which one now) That said when you are arguing or just not feeling as good about things you should just take a day and be extremely nice to your spouse, even if you don't want to. Do all the things you know he likes etc. After a while faking it til you make it starts to rub off and you start feeling closer. Granted, I don't do this all the time, but the times that I have it really does make a difference!
  3. Fran Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    @ aja i hae tried that killem with kindness and you are right. @ tiya i have done everything you have said and more. if it really hurts and he wont ever let me bring it up i write and write and write till i feel better or am able to just let it go. harriet is so right though marriage does have its seasons of misery and we have to wait them out not give up.
  4. Jay Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    When my husband and I are at the end of rift, and the dust is starting to clear, we go on a date...Most of our rifts are pretty quick and done with, but for those ones that seems to linger on and on and on, we go out, away from the kids, the house and all the issues our life together has developed, and just talk it through. We (mostly me) talk about the issue, what went wrong and why...then we move past it...Plus making up (*wink wink*) also helps (LOL)
  5. Tasha Butler Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Love the article: I took a lot from it thanks. "Marriage can be difficult at times and taking the easy way out (my opinion: silent treatment sometimes falls in that category) doesn’t help matters." I have to laugh at this, because I am learning that this, indeed, solves much of nothing. But I am so comfortable in doing this. I am a work in progress. Keep these articles coming I am learning so much.
  6. Harriet Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Exercise really helps both of us, and taking the time to get away from the battlefield does as well. Sometimes I just have to leave and go for a ride/walk/run. Playing with the kids helps as well. It brings me back to the future we promised one another. Great article, Tara!!!!! .-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can't Hear You! =-.
  7. {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Great post! :) I think holding hands {or otherwise physically expressing "I still love you"} while we talk it out helps. It's comforting and encouraging in an otherwise difficult and frustrating moment. .-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Sunday Morning, and a cup of tea. =-.
  8. SpenserAvery Monday - 07 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    I say my peace & then leave it along. We agree to disagree mostly. I recognize the FACT that I don't know EVERYTHING and expect my Wife to do the same. While we both have our own opinion, we have been together long enough to know that CHANGING someones mind on a Heart felt subject just isn't in the cards. Sometimes there's some sulking or "you know better than to come to this side of the bed" but were married and nobody is going anywhere. It's good to disagree. My wife completes ME and I value HER point of view. Even if she's wrong... LOL Where's James when I NEED him?
  9. natalie Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Its soooo hard! I'm prayn for us everyday
  10. Fran Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    @ spence 95% of the time i think my hubby and i have that same train of thought "we are married and nobodys going anywhere" so we have to either work it out agree to disagree hence my writing up a storm lol. i like your comment though.
  11. NappyKitchen Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    @Staycee2 Has the subject of premarital and intramarriage counseling been broached? I think it should. Its a wonderful idea. @Harriet Exercise releases endorphins (endo-morphine). Its your body's natural painkiller. "It brings me back to the future we promised one another." This needs to be on a t-shirt. So tell me, BMWK family, what do you do when you’re at the end of a marital rift and the dust hasn’t quite settled? Regrettably, I plot and scheme to get my way back to the top of the food chain. When I am being reasonable, I allow my super clever husband to convince of how unreasonable I was being in the first place.
  12. SpenserAvery Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    @Fran. If I had to give it a percentage....Hmm 89.5%. But we are both still growing. I mean the way that I looked at things 20yrs ago, 10yrs ago & on some subjects just 3yrs ago isn't how I see them Now. Today.
  13. RW Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    Contrary to conventional wisdom, there have been plenty of times that Hubby and I have gone to bed angry. It helps us to sleep on it and try to calm down. Sometime the next day, we hash it out over the phone. Since one or both of us will be at work during the conversations, it forces us to talk it out calmly and rationally rather then as emotionally as we would be face-to-face. By the time we get home that evening, we are ready to resolve the issue and make up.
  14. Fran Tuesday - 08 / 06 / 2010 Reply
    @ rw i like that idea of having a conversation at work where the both of you have to be polite and listen to the other. i just read something that really makes sense and wanted to share it"the moment you stop working on your marriage is the moment your marriage stops working" so no matter what we all try to do as long as we continue working on our marriage it will work itself out even through the "miserable season"