When Suicide Seems to be the Answer
by Harriet Hairston
I told Lamar I wasn’t going to write about this right now. I told him to pray for my husband and I because collectively, we’ve hit a rough patch, and to write about it would do nothing but make it worse. But I’m a two-faced fighter. Something inside me feels like curling up in a closet and hiding from all this, but there is a greater need to put it out there in the open to give hope to those who may be dealing with the same thing. We may not all be dealing with the same types of storms, but they all threaten to make us want to throw up our hands in surrender. The question is, what will we surrender to?
This week, suicide knocked at the door of my mind. I know its voice…I’ve heard the saccharine sweetness of it in times past. I know how relieving its eerie chill can feel in the midst of the fiery heat of physical, emotional or financial battle. It blows through like sunshine on a cloudy day, and entices me to forget all I’ve worked hard for–my family, my purpose, my name, my GOD–and accept its invitation to put an end to all the heaviness and drama.
That voice sounds great in comparison to what I’m dealing with right now: Mr. Incredible was hospitalized for 10 days, and medical bills are mounting. Our home was sold on the courthouse steps this week after being in foreclosure again. We are no longer homeowners. We’re moving to another state, and I have no job prospects. Although Mr. Incredible does, I’m still used to bringing home bacon myself. My book sales are non-existent right now, and to top all that off, I keep eating to take away the pain, so I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the past six months. Someone asked me how I was doing, and I told them, “Life sucks right now.” I would LOL, but I’m so serious it’s not even funny. To me, suicide seems to be the answer, but both my mind and spirit know it’s not.
Tara wrote this week about what she does when marriage is not all peaches and cream. LIFE for me is not peaches and cream right now, but there are plenty of things I can do to combat that attitude. Tara sought to prevent divorce; I seek to prevent suicide:
- Remind yourself of your future. True, you may not know what’s going to happen, but that being the case, isn’t it worth it to wait until you get there? It can be the best breakthrough you’ve ever experienced, but if you’re dead, you’ll never know.
- Learn from your past. We’ve all made mistakes. We all have regrets. That said, we all have lessons to learn that can prevent the same things from happening again, or help us deal with issues in a more healthy manner should they happen again.
- Enjoy the present. Find something that brings you joy and work it like you’ve never worked it before. I’ve been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I’ve neglected the fun times I always have with my husband and sons. So I’ve decided to sing, cook, frolic in the grass and LAUGH every time the opportunity arises for me to do so.
- Remember that no one or nothing can steal your joy. You can give it away, though. I have many times, and I find that what I got in return was not worth the joy I paid for it. Make the choice to be joyful in the face of whatever you’re battling right now. It’s not a “fake it till you make it” type of thing. It’s an exercise in strength. Besides, it’s easy to be all “gloom and doom” when the storm is raging all around you. Can you still smile and be joyful in the face of it?
- Allow God to introduce (or re-introduce) Himself to you. This is last, but certainly not least. This is extremely personal, and I’m crying as I write this one (and it takes a lot for me to let the tears fall…I’m usually on that Denzel-in-Glory-let-one-tear-fall-down-my-cheek type of vibe). Just this weekend, I was steps away from attempting suicide. The rope was around my neck and everything. But through the rage of hurt, disappointment, discouragement, self-loathing and sadness, something–more like SOMEONE–broke through in my mind. God has always been there for me, but this time He was more real, personal and powerful than ever before. He dropped the anchor of both natural logic and supernatural faith and held me in the balance so I wouldn’t resolve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. He was all I needed Him to be and more.
I’m still alive because a more powerful voice spoke through the darkness and told me it would all work together for my good. A more sturdy, steady, secure voice told me that I would live to tell about this and thus give hope to others that they, too can live through life’s storms.
When suicide seems to be the answer, please hear my heart loud and clear: IT ISN’T. There is more love for you to give and receive. There are more challenges for you to face and become stronger by them. There are children–yours and those of others–that look up to you. And there is a God who loves you so much that He gives you breath even when you don’t want it. If He can do that, He can do ANYTHING.
It’s not over until you have breathed your last. The barrel of a gun, edge of a razor, bottom of a bottle of pills or rubber band hanging in a closet should not be given the right or authority to snatch your last breath. Please let that be at the natural end of your life’s journey. I know people have looked for answers when life gets to be unbearable. Please know: suicide is not the answer…YOUR FUTURE is!
God bless!
~ Harriet
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.
- Call for yourself or someone you care about
- Free and confidential
- A network of more than 140 crisis centers nationwide
- Available 24/7
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: ”author.” You can purchase her first book, ”Who Are You?“ simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.
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