Question # 2 from the Ladies Top Ten List

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 1st, 2010 | 8 comments

Looking to hear from the voices of all who are dating and or looking to be in relationship. Ladies you in particular are being called out. Here’s the reason for the call out, over the last couple of months we have heard from our television, radio and other media personalities stating that the male and female perspective of what/who a good man is differs quite a bit. On our last radio blog we had a male caller call in and express to us that according to his opinion and research, per his statement “the complaint from most 20 to 30 year old educated successful women that they can not find a good man should be placed squarely at the feet of women”. He believes that all of the issues that women are facing regarding dating is their fault. So what do you think readers, is there fault to be handed out? As indicated over the last few months our male callers have informed us that ladies have a list by which they judge men. Ladies the males that we have spoken with inform us that you are unrealistic of what a good man is. So see below how we are addressing question number two on the ladies top 10 list.

Question 2: Do you equal my definition of what a good man is?

Alright men what is a good man? Now if I want to go deep I would say that there are no good men in the world because Jesus Christ the son of God states in Matthew 19:17 that there is only one who is good and that is God our father. But let me come back to us earthly beings, our definition of the word good maybe the issue. Maybe men and women have different definitions of the word good. Most men probably believe that they are good men and most men would probably be correct. If men assign good as being responsible, hard working, honest, trustworthy and fair. Loving their partner and family and doing all in their power that they believe is right when it comes to taking care of their families. Now from what we are finding out from today’s females the word drive would need to be added to the above definition in order to match the characteristics that they are looking to find in a good man.

What is drive and why is it or is it more important to women than men? We believe that drive is important to men just not in the same way that is to women. Fight and claw your way to the top stepping on all that are in your way just to prove yourself? Men question why do this and what do I gain from this? Is my life just a superficial world based on the obtaining of things?

Here’s your question ladies, is your need to have a driven man motivated by your need of security? So ladies if his name tag says mailroom clerk and not CEO, is he not a good guy? If he handles his bills and is able to save, does he not make the cut because he has in your eyes no drive? What if he does have drive but it is tied to his passion and his purpose but the dollars may be low in this area is he not a good guy?

True story, I have a cousin who worked part-time for UPS during his college years and upon graduating he was offered a great mid-entry level position with them. He was single but dating, with the belief, that he would marry the person he was dating. He loved making website and wanted to branch out on his own and do that as a business owner. Since then he is married with two kids and one on the way and today he finds himself making tee-shirts and loving it. His wife teaches school and loves and supports all that he desires to do. She told me that if he wants to move that she would pack up and go wherever he desires to go. She states with passion in her voice and without any hesitation she will advise that her man is not only a good man, he is a great man, great husband and an awesome father. I can say that I agree with her, from where I stand all I see is a young man of honor, distinction and integrity. He loves and supports his family. He has vision pertaining to the direction they are to go. He is an active father and supportive husband. He is educated and always there to help other families and couples with a balanced dose of understanding and accountability. He is most definitely a good man with drive and ambition he’s just not looking to be the next fortune 500 CEO unless it is his own. That may happen someday but today his purpose is tied to his family and helping others, not much money in that but he would say the benefits are well worth it.

So to all of you who base their definition of what/who a good man is by assigning the word drive as one of the characteristics of their definition, challenge yourself to stretch your understanding of what drive really is. Please don’t make it all about money, stuff and things. Make it about vision. When you drive you are looking to go somewhere. You must see in order to drive and the end result of your drive is to reach a destination so drive is all about vision. If a man has vision for himself when he is single he will in turn have vision for his wife and family when he is married. This is not only what makes a good man but a great man. The reason he is a great man is because his vision will cover the number one reason that women talk about drive—women equate drive as security.

Here is how we conclude that vision equals security, simply stated “without a vision my people perish”. So ladies think about changing your list of what makes a good man from drive to visionary.

Please understand that a man can have all the drive in the world for making money and this same man can be lazy, selfish and blind when it comes to relationships and family. Visionaries are creative, engaging, loving people that see hope and opportunity in any and all things that comes their way. So my request is that you replace the word drive with vision so that you can see the tomorrow you are longing for.

Ladies visionaries are out there, they may not look like you think they should since outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder but understand that when you realize that you are in communication with a man with vision, a true relationship can start. So take the time to learn how the single men around you think, dream, talk, envision the world, and what they see for their future. The true picture of who they are may turn out to be what you pictured a good man to say, think and be!

Thank you for reading……

~ Marcus Whyte23 For Healthy Marriages

Marcus Whyte23, is a husband and father of 2, freelance writer, Certified Life and Relationship Coach from Akron, Ohio. He is the Founder of For Healthy Marriages, whose purpose is to re-engage and educate couples on the benefits of a healthy marriage. Follow him on Facebook page or Find out more about him at http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ or Twitter @whyte23.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

values

I have recently had to evaluate this myself and I appreciate the points made above. As with many constructs used on our society, there are many different ways that “drive” can be applied to our world. Traditionally, I have been fortunate to date men who, although I did not identify it as a specific criteria, seemed to have natural drive…perhaps we attracted each other for this reason. When I recently connected with someone who did not appear to have this same form of traditional drive (evidenced by his resume and educational level), I paused a bit wondering, “How would this work out? Would this be a situation, as posited by the media, where my drive and level of education would eventually intimate him?”. After some thought, I realized (a) so far it hasn't (b) time will tell (c) I have a lot to learn from this brother who is working to advance himself and evolve his paradigm while still dedicating significant drive to other areas of life associated with his values – being a solid friend, an awesome father, a respectful ex-husband, a dutiful son, a non-judgmental brother. So yes, I think we should continue to evaluate how the concept of “drive” applies to our selection of a long-term partner and avoid unconsciously adopting the information presented to us via mainstream mechanisms. At the same time, we should not go to the extreme by disregarding drive associated with economic advancement and stability…these things are of great value as well. We just have to decide home important these things are and what they will look like in our own lives.
AJ Bell

Drive is great to have and a great characteristic in a young man. When you are 35 or 40 and still “driving” that is not as appealing to women. It's not a dig at men pursuing their dreams, but after a certain age financial stabilty should become a priority. The story of your cousin is typical for young men, and they tend to get “snatched up” early in their 20's. I don't think many women would pass up a man like that in his 20's. If he were in the same position 15 or 20 years later, he may have issues. A good man is one with his priorities in order and understands his role as a man for his woman and family. Hanging out with friends, wasting money and living in the “candy shop” are issues which turn a “good man” into an after-thought no matter what his financial situation.

Understanding the purpose of building and growing a family, a legacy and a future tend to come with all the other ducks being in a row.
http://rileyjcb.blogspot.com/ Riley

Gee golly, where to start.

First, I'd love for my prospective husband to have God running his life. There needs to be a vision, yes…but if he doesn't feel compelled to pursue it, I won't even waste my time or his. I was just chatting with friends on Facebook about this topic.

I met a man: brilliant mind…but he's lazy. What can I do with that? What I would consider motivation, he'd take/translate as nagging. Needless to say, I'll wait on God. I don't think I can afford to live the remainder of my life motivating a boyfriend to “get up, get out and get something better”. I won't respect him, our kids won't respect him.

“Mom makes wayyy more money than you daddy”…No, I'd like for my husband to Lead and Provide – I'm here to help.
Exigence

I have just crossed over into the land of the 30 somethings, still single, and over the last couple of years have 1. embraced I am Miss. not Ms. – ambiguity never helped anybody 2. decided not to generalize “there are no good men…” but ascertain each prospective beau's worth TO ME individually. I think that is where the self proclaimed good men get tripped up, just like women: when the other person tells you what they want/shows you who they are please believe them. Save yourself the heartache of trying to make a hoe a housewife/husband, work yourself to death trying to buy their affection, or fit into their crazy lifestyle.
There are great men out there, I know some, I just have not met 'the one' for me yet. Thirdly, I started to question the concept of “the one” is there really just one, or am I looking for a series complementing characteristics and traits that I can accept, live with (not settle but realize over time this is not one of those things that really matters in the end), and grow to love. There are characteristics that are definite NOs, definite YES's and then grey areas. Too often the definite NOs/deal breakers come up before love can grow, but then if they are definite, it shouldn't matter when they surface in the courtship. That doesn't not make them good men i.e. single fathers/divorcees/caucasions- hahaha – that just makes them not good men for me.
So, I am dealing with men on individual basis as they come along and based on what I need and want for the future.
http://twitter.com/TMichaelMartin TMichael Martin

Wow this is exactly what I was trying to convey in my comment on the Slim Thug article …. Someone finally hit the nail on the head. I hope this really provokes some thought change in the people out the building a relationship off keeping up with the Jones !!!!
http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ Whyte23

Thank you all for Sharing your thoughts…..Excellent Comments
Much LOVE!
~Marcus Whyte23
Laborndcluv

I think women are very forgiving beings and that God made us this way. Men would not even THINK of dating someone who is not EXACTLY what they want. On the other hand, we women tend to see the “potential” in men and sometimes get caught loving someone for who they CAN be instead of who they are. I think there is a very fine line between helping men become the best they can be, and hoping that we can change them. When we hit 30 (I am 35) it seems as if we start re-evaluating what is a “good man”. I've never needed a big bank account or fancy car…right now I'm dating someone that is 10 years younger, doesn't have a job and is pursuing a football career. I don't doubt he is a “good man” at heart, but sometimes he needs so much support and emotional energy that I feel drained. I feel he is at a crossroads in his life and is tyring to mature into a family man, but he has some ways to go. All I'm trying to say is I'm kind of tired of hearing that it's our fault that we're holding men to some unreasonable standards…most women I know just want someone to treat them right…I live in LA and we're ecstactic when our men even LOOK at us, and not the white/asian/hispanic women…
Brebri2002

I believe that woman/men are not perfect which is the reason why when u have a mate they should fulfill your heart and just except you for what you are. We are already set in our ways and created as a person. When finding a mate you will either find someone similar to you or someone you look up to and admire. Someone might try to change a person for a second, a minute, a hour maybe even a year just remember they will always be set in their same ways from the first time you met them. So my point is when finding a mate and you’re not growing with them for the better…….. let go!!