An Arranged Marriage Is Not Such a Bad Idea

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 7th, 2010 | 15 comments

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

My husband and I are raising two great girls who are going to (prayerfully) grow up to be two great women. Based on the values we are teaching, GOD first, self-love and self-respect, family and education are just a few of the many values we want our girls to walk away with. As they get older we hope that they will continue in the way that we’ve taught and choose future spouses that mirror those same ideas. In our circle, we have friends that are raising their children in similar ways. As I watch them and know that their children will also (prayerfully) grow up to be great people, I started to understand why in other cultures (like some Indian cultures), arranged marriages were a preferred choice.

As a child the concept of arranged marriages made absolutely no sense to me. I thought no one should have a say in who you love or spend the rest of your life with. Although I do not have the power or the desire to arrange a marriage, I can relate to the idea behind it. We all want the absolute best for our children and their futures. If you were able to see how the mate your child will choose was raised, wouldn’t it ease your concerns as to whether or not they chose the right person? If it was a person your child knew and grew up with, wouldn’t it make you feel more comfortable? For me, it absolutely would. But in wanting the best for their futures, I must also seek their happiness. So even though we are longtime friends with a great couple who have two great little boys the same ages as our daughters, I will allow my girls to live and love as they choose, for the most part. But I will be there to help heal any broken hearts and there to cheer when they do fall in love and settle down. If it happens to be one of our friends’ little boys, of course I would be pleased. But in the meantime, I will stay out of their matters of the heart. So, although I would never arrange a marriage, I do understand.

BMWK, what are your thoughts on arranged marriages?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Yannie

I think most parents in the American culture would love to arrange their child's marriage. In a since some of them do. They strongly suggest a person and the child out of obligation may choose that person. I personally know someone that got into a relationship this way and it was a total disaster. We have to remember a parent sometimes only sees the nice “respectful” kid the child wants us to see. We see their representative as Chris Rock would say. Your child really gets to know that person and sometimes its not pretty.

Tiya

That's a good point Yannie, we never know what anyone is like in a relationship.

Dbrown779

I was just at a marriage conference this weekend, and I was telling some people there that I wish as African American people, we would do like the folks in India. I have a daughter 26 and a set of twins (son and daughter) 23 and if they could understand why I have problems sometimes with who they chose to date I'm sure they would understand I only want the best for them in the future. I met and married my college sweetheart and we've been married 27 years. All of my children (young adults) are college graduates with bright futures, but understanding that mate selection is important is sometimes hard to get across when their thought is “he's just a friend and I'm not trying to marry him”. Deborah

Gtjones

The craziest thing that I have heard from a person ….

wnt2belvd

I am a product of allowing my parents to have influence on the man I married. I love this man, however I strongly believe we would be better people apart. I lost my best friend on the day I said “I Do” and gained a husband. A husband that fit all of my parents wants but none of mine.
Two children and 19 years of marriage later, I wish I had followed my heart and not my parents.

AJ Bell

Arranged marriages can be a wonderful thing. Why not get the family involved in helping you decide who to spend the rest of your life with? They know you better than you know yourself sometimes. We can't decide on the wedding dress, table cloths or rehersal dinner without getting their approval, but we trust ourselves to pick our own mate?

It would help young people (20's & 30's) focus on their future more, rather than instant gratification of the moment and the consequences which come along with it…children out of wedlock, financial disasters, dumb tattoos…whatever it is we do at a young age and later regret.

I would loved to have been set up with my parents offering me choices, but I ultimately make the final decision. It would eliminate alot of this foolishness we go through in this country.
http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I think the issue as Yannie said is that kids, even adult kids, will usually act one way around parents and another way around people their own age.
I went on a date with a family friend's son once. Our families had known each other so long that our grandmothers were best friends and every one was excited when we went on the date. However I quickly came to realize that he only talked about sex and his only goal was to try and sleep with me as quickly as possible. After that our families would ask why I didn't continue to date him because he was such a nice guy even though I knew it was a front. I definitely agree that parents should give guidance in choosing the right type of mate, at the same time you have to be the one dealing with that person when the lights go out which is why I think that the choice is important as well.
Jcurtis

Arranged Marriage: An idea whose time has come (again)!

The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world partly because of the poor decision making of the folks who fall in love. 60% of the marriages in the world are arranged and in India over 90% are arranged and their divorce rate is 7%. Now this is America and not India, however, most all research says the success of any marriage is attributed to 2 things… romantic attraction and emotional maturity which is why arrange marriages work so well.

We Americans have got the romantic attraction done pat but where in the world do you learn emotional maturity. The Cosby's were the LAST show on TV that showed much emotional maturity and as for now with few exceptions like Will Smith, these role models don't exist.

This is where arrange marriages could make a big differences. Family, friends, colleagues and relatives all begin to explore the personality, values, goals and temperament of the young adult who is ready to marry. Then after basically going through a critical thinking process which by definition is a sign of emotional maturity, they start talking to a comparable group of other folk who happen to have a young adult of the opposite sex who is also ready to marry.

Ultimately, with dispassionate clarity, the families pick who partners with who. Then the couple meet, get married and go to work on the love part. I realize this is completely FOREIGN to most folks, but in case you haven't noticed, our current “love is all you need approach” has been failing for decades AND it results in the highest divorce rate in the world. Time for a change!?
busybodyk

I think arranged marriages can work but I'm not sure my parents would have picked my husband for my mate if they had a choice. They love him but I think their idea of what I need might not have been him. However, I think they want the best for me and would pick someone that could make me happy.

I've read a number of books on the subject of arranged marriages and I'm fascinated by it. I think they can work out better than people think. With arranged marriages the focus is not totally on love. It is about family and building a life together. The courting is done after the marriage. I think arranged marriages would help strengthen the black community.
Tiya

I am really surprised by the responses to an arranged marriage. I thought I would be alone in my thinking that it isn't such a bad idea.
staycee2

WHo wouldn't love to arrange their childs marriage???????!!!!!!!!! I look at my children everyday and often wonder if someone will break theirs hearts because my daughter especially is a very sweet 12 year-old girl. My 4 year-old son is all over her all the time & the love they exude for one another is amazing!!! They always put each others best interest at heart and the thought of someone breaking their hearts would be devasting to both my husband & I! I know it's not for my husband & I to decide whom they chose to spend the rest of their lives with, but I just hope they keep company with people that treat them the way they want to be treated!!!! I too will be their to mend a broken heart and cheer my babies on!!! ILUVMESUMTHEM!!!!!
Maria

I think when the families know eachother the man will be careful not to hurt the girls feelings and the girl would be careful not to move to fast at the end of the day it will look bad on the girl when she sees the guy at a family barbique and his family members are sniggering about her. So if both couples are serious and want to make it work they should make a go of it I think the men would also not get involved if they did not see it as something serious. Most men do not want to embarass their family. Also Aja just because the man wanted to sleep with you doesnt mean he will leave you after he may have wanted to make you his quickley but its the risk you take life is a risk so why be so over cautious obviousley I am not promoting unsafe sex but sometimes you have to hit the nail while its hot and some women are so slow they wait for the full moon to come oout before they make a move. Before they know it someone else has scooped up that man or woman etc
wnt2belvd

I am a product of allowing my parents to have influence on the man I married. I love this man, however I strongly believe we would be better people apart. I lost my best friend on the day I said “I Do” and gained a husband. A husband that fit all of my parents wants but none of mine.
Two children and 19 years of marriage later, I wish I had followed my heart and not my parents.
http://www.happyhomebakery.com mochazina

My marriage was literally arranged by God. 9 years in, so far, so good – even with the whole working out the kinks part.I’d have been a bit more wary of my parents/family arranging a marriage for me, because I was the one that, though they knew me pretty well, the child me was significantly different from the adult I’ve turned out to be (in terms of demeanor), and that was mostly due to my spiritual change. However if the entire family is on the same spiritual plane (whatever that may be), I can see the arrangement working very well.
Peter

I’m an African American 33 year old male looking to be arranged. I love everyone which tends to cloud my ability to see how compatible we are and if we really have the same values. I figure by having my family pick a wife I eliminate the clouded judgement of a good life partner. Now the question is how do I find other females wanting to be arranged as well?