Do You Have a Disposable Marriage?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 15th, 2010 | 36 comments

Mo’Nique caught a lot of flack for saying that if her husband cheated, it wasn’t a dealbreaker. Well, let me not put words in the woman’s mouth – here’s a quote from a 2007 New York Times interview:

“‘We have an agreement that we’ll always be honest,” Mo’Nique said of the year-old marriage. ”And if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us, that’s not something where we’ll say, ‘Oh my God, we’ve got to go to divorce court, and you cheated on me.’ Because we don’t cheat.”

A lot of people (including some of the BMWK faithful) balked at the idea of acknowledging that your spouse might stray and accepting it as no big deal.

But what I took away from her comments was something a little deeper. Mo’Nique is on her third marriage – she’s done with playing games, as she said later on in that same interview. All she wants is honesty within her marriage – and I can respect that.

I do not think that my husband would cheat on me, or do anything deliberately to hurt me, but if he cheated, I would like to think that I would be a big enough woman to 1) take some time to cool off during a separation period, 2) access what the actual damage to our marriage is (loss of trust, etc.), 3) and then make a decision with my husband on what our next steps would be. I would like to think I could be that mature.

I think what’s at the heart of her comments is that she doesn’t think her marriage is disposable. We have to get back into the space where we view marriage was a lifelong commitment. Not just when everything is peaches and cream, not just when everything is coming up roses, not just when the bills are paid and the house is clean and you just got a raise at work. But even when you feel unappreciated, or when the sex isn’t as regular as you’d like or (worst of all) someone strays.

But everyone has their own ideas on what’s a dealbreaker in their marriage. For some, one slip-up and you’re out of there. For others, it’s takes a lot more to make them throw in the towel.

For those who have dealt with infidelity (or the threat of infidelity) – how did you determine you wanted to stay? What steps did you take to get your marriage back on track?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I have not had to deal with this, Thank God. But I think in cases of infidelity so much depends on the circumstances surrounding it and how much the person who cheated is willing to recommit to the marriage. Maybe I wouldn't head to divorce court over one affair, but if my husband went Tiger Woods on me and was cheating with 20 different women, I would not stay. I think there is a difference between failing once and what amounts to consistent disrespect and putting your spouse at risk for disease. I have seen marriages where a spouse cheated and the other was able to forgive and they went on to build a strong marriage. I've also seen situations where the husband was forgiven, came back and then went on to have 2 children with his woman on the side. I guess in the end it comes down to both spouses deciding that their marriage is worth saving and doing whatever it takes to repair it, as opposed to one spouse hanging on while the other continues to disrespect their vows.
T.D.

I have no had to deal with infidelity either, but I am a lil bit more strict on the matter. When my husband and I married each other, the vows we proclaimed to one another were valid to death do us part. The main thing that bind a true relationship is “love”. As we all should know the one thing that love does not and should not do is “hurt”. If you cheat one someone, or beat someone, or whatever the case may be, that cannot be love. If you do anything with another person that jeopardizes your relationship, there is no reason why there should be a second chance.

Now I may have felt a different when I was younger but as I get older I look at things in a whole new light. If my husband were to cheat on me, I am sorry there is no way I could look at him and love him in the same way I once had. The same would go for me, if the script was flipped. There are many reasons why people give others a second, third, and repeated chances, may that includes children, fear of being alone, and admitting failure. No matter what the factor is you must respect yourself and do what feels best to do.

Bottom line, infidelity is not excusable and should not be tolerated.

Soulchild04

Not to minimize your thought/beliefs but I have concern with a few remarks.
1) Love does not and should not hurt – if we love each other as GOD intended then we would not be hurt because HIS love is perfect but we are not, we make mistakes, we tend to hurt one another unwillingly or otherwise.
2) Forgiveness is the other matter to address – “there is no reason why there should be a second chance”, we should forgive as God has forgiven us and allow Him to ease our pain that someone else has caused us to feel.
I am not trying to change your mind but I hope that you take what's said into consideration. Be blessed.

Mom of 3

I've dealt with infidelity in a marriage and as a result of it and other issues, I am no longer married. I would have stayed and tried to work the issue out, however, my ex-husband was not truthful about the matter and continued to lie even after being caught. I think I have grown a lot because of the experience and moving forward, I would handle some things a lot differently than I did. I do not believe marriage is disposable, but cheating is an issue I will not put up with. Cheating not only affects the husband and wife, but also the kids involved in the marriage. As adults, we try to keep a lot of things from children, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try, they find out–especially older children.
Mia

I have had to deal with this with my husband before we were married and after. We seperate and then I believed he would truly change however the trust was destroyed. If I had a choice to make the decision to walk away at this time I would say I would. He engaged in a more than friendship after the marriage and I still remained but my feelings at this point were so numb that I only stayed because I did not feel like going through the battle and throwing his belongings out etc.

Soulchild04

This is very sad to read and I pray that your spirit be healed and your mind set corrected. I would love to see both parties work through their problems within a marriage but should that not be the case remaining for all the wrong reasons (long after counseling, prayer) there is no reason to remain. If BOTH individuals are not working to reestablish what was lost then the relationship is lost as well.

anita

THE Bible instructs us that marriage is until death do us part! Infidelity does not mean you must divorce! Infidelity should not be accepted as p art of any marriage but it may be encountered because we are all humans and subject to error. To be married is to value the choice of one another being willing to face and embrace life together come what may. Keep GOD first and you will get through anything that comes your way including infidelity! We should honor one another and talk to one another if there is interest in someone else. the person o f interest doesn't matter as much as the reason of interest does. THINK ABOUT IT and discuss the real issues at hand!

Nicole

Yes, but it also states that you can divorce because of adultery! Besides the Bible doesn't state anything about til death do us part. I'm sure that is how God intended it to be, because it is implied. But, that is just a part of the marriage ceremony/vows.

Angela

I'm totally in agreement with Anita. That's exactly how I would explain it myself. Because we are all human, at some point we will all fall. I don't think anyone who's been married 50 plus years will tell you they've done everything right. Sometimes in a marriage, we might not always know what the right thing to do is. When I look at my husband, I totally see the God in him and because of that, if he fell, I would deal with my hurt feelings, wipe my tears and talk to my husband because I know that he is a reflection of God. I totally would not give up on him. I would remind him that when he cheats, it exposes me and him to possible diseases, crazy people who might want him to leave me and be with him, and hurting our children. I do not need validation from my husband or anyone else because I get that from God. I'm not with my husband because I feel I need to be, it's because I want to be. And with that being said, yes, I would most certainly work it out. God has forgiven me too many times to count, I know that I would be able to forgive my husband too.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/CWA5RR5ISIH4UVNRBO7HRQCY44 Star

I stayed true to my vows! I PRAYED AND PRAYED and CRIED AND CRIED! It is not a day that goes by that I dont think about it, since it happend more than one time. It is not a time that I think, maybe I should have left or was it dumb for me to have stayed. Especially when I am feeling unappreciated. Then I turn to GOD, I ask GOD, please help me figure this out… now the enemy comes along and fling men at me to make me think, maybe I should go that direction. I fight it, because I told GOD I wouldnt stray again myself. It is hard, but if you lean and believe in GOD and your marriage is meant to last, then GOD will get you through!
Notdrinkingthekoolaid

It is interesting how people justify infidelity. My husband and I will be each other's only sexaul partners. This is a covenant between he and I that cannot be shared with another person. If more people practiced sexual abstinence and only had sex with their married partners, I think that the view of these types of indiscretions would change. It wasn't just a slip, or a mistake, but it was a violation of the whole principle of our marriage covenant.

Infidelity is a deal breaker to me. It is not me disposing of my marriage, but the perpetrator of the infidelity who is throwing away our covenant. Fidelity is not difficult, but it is a decision that we have to make and live on a daily basis in our marriages and relationships.

Soulchild04

Again this is where forgiveness and communication comes into play. No one says justify infidelity but if you cannot forgive should it happen you are going to live with that decision the rest of your life as well.
What if it were you that step outside of your marriage? (JUST A QUESTION) Would you, knowing how much you love your husband/wife and how sorry your were for it, want them to forgive you or would you accept the knowledge that you will not be forgive and not try?
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/FQEPMHNVXR5FTBF23E3XLD7PIY KikoeF

've told many people and i will say it to you, don't say what you won't do, because you don't know until the situation presents itself.

talking about forgiveness in the event of infidelity is not a bad thing. stuff happens. we do wrong in our hearts daily. we would all be shocked at the emotions and thoughts running through our minds and hearts about each other. about the person we are committed to love for the rest of our lives! if we had privy to those things, would we bolt immediately? what about the possibility that wickedness and evil rest in the heart of EVERY man? do you think you and your husband are immune to this.

WE nailed Jesus to the cross with our inquity. He forgive us for our sin putting him through the Death and in the Grave.

But you would refuse to forgive your husband? Just don't say what you won't do and pray that NEITHER of you ever strays.

Responsibility

There is a very large difference between accepting chosen irresponsibility and forgiving a mistake.

GOD gave all man free will, infidelity is always a choice, and never a so called mistake. The lesson of the cross is bearing responsibility for ones choices. It is always easier to forgive someone who realizes and admits to a bad choice, Than a coward who lies, cheats and hides his out of guilt.

That being said, I have read a lot of these comments, and many of them sound like people who are trying to justify poor choices with Gods grand forgiveness. The question comes, how many people who choose to make the mistake, also choose to accept the responsibility of that mistake. How many are open and honest about the mistake they made, even when confronted? ask that question? How many really do try to mend the void? How many truly feel the pain of their partner? how many accept that they are the cause of that pain? how many accept responsibility for setting things right? How many really commit to mending the problem?

If they were that committed, they probably would never have strayed to begin with.
So how committed is this person to God? or should the commitment and strength of the partner solely bear the weight of another human beings poor choice?

Forgiving a mistake does not mean accepting it's repetition, ever. No one should ever de-value another good honest person because they are unwilling to allow a mistake to be repeated. That has nothing to do with forgiveness at all.
It has to do with responsibility and accountability.

I read all these words of forgiveness, but honestly what I see…..
It looks a lot like guilt disguised in justification of God's love.
You know your own guilt.
Don't ask for man's forgiveness, ask for God's. Ask for your own.
Accept the burden of your cross, that is the lesson Jesus wanted us to learn.

C.O

Thank you for calling it for what it really is. Infidelity is NOT a mistake. It is a choice. You don't just up and start an affair or accidently have a one night stand. You make the choice to do so. It is a matter of people being accountable and responsible for their actions. I wish people would stop using God as thier scapegoat. I figure whoever makes the CHOICE to step out on thier marriage should take that same time and energy and focus and re-direct it to addressing whatever issue is at hand and making the “choice” to repair thier marriage.

http://mrstdj.wordpress.com/ MrsTDJ

Great post Tara! I agree wholeheartedly – infidelity isn't an automatic dealbreaker for me either. I damn sure wouldn't be “ok” with, but it's not an instant path to divorce court either. I'm sure there would be screaming, crying, thinking, yelling, talking, praying, etc. Our future would be rocky and uncertain, but hopefully we're both in this for the long haul and we can work through it.
http://happynappybride.wordpress.com/ Happy Nappy Bride

I just got married…less than two months ago and I hate even thinking about this! I know I'm not the only female who thinks that her man would never do that…but I don't think he ever would. *sigh* I know those of you who've been married for years and years are just shaking your heads.
Gmail

The bible does state that you can end your marriage for adultery. So, obviously adultery is a big deal to God. He wants it to be forever, but you don't have to stay with a cheater. I have never experienced it before, and I hopefully would never. It is a deal breaker for me. I saw my mother get cheated on too many times by my father. He would stay gone for days. To me it is just right out disrespectful. No man is going to put my life in danger. It is just too much out there. Sorry! But, it is over…
DianeChristina

I'd like to hear comments from the gentlemen. I personally think infidelity will happen in most marriages at some point. Being sexually attracted to one person for 10, 20 or 30 years isn't really a humanistic reality. We are sexual beings and I think infidelity is a part of life. Marriage is more a less a social contract. Just my thoughts….
http://twitter.com/TMichaelMartin TMichael Martin

We have to realize that marriage is not a game. I think as of lately infidelity is being taken too lightly….In your vows it say that you are to be faithful….forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him as long as you both shall live. We live in a world that is so sexually driven that sometimes it is hard to separate beast impulses from logical human thinking. Meaning we don't even have control or the will power to control our sexual impulses the same way an animal can't control theirs. Now I'm not saying temptation is not real but where is our self control that separates man from beast? God gave us the power to make choices we don't have to choose to let sexual impulse take our control. When you are married it is a covenant between you and your spouse with guidelines. When you choose to break the convent it can no longer exists. Trust is lost and it never is the same. You can't honestly say you could look at things the same ever again. So there for we must realize the commitment that marriage truly is. People make mistakes but infidelity is something that can definitely destroy a holy union.!

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I think that God realized how painful and detrimental infidelity can be, which is why it is really one of the only reasons that the Bible gives for being able to divorce. That type of betrayal of trust is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage. God doesn't say that we have to take the out, and a lot of decision making should come into play about whether you want to live with a broken marriage afterward. But He understands the pain associated which is why I believe He gives us the option.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/FQEPMHNVXR5FTBF23E3XLD7PIY KikoeF

that's real.

Jjrnorman

Wow, it is very interesting reading these post. Especially the responses of those so quick to state they will leave. This is not that black & white…. “For better or WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health, til DEATH do us part” that is the vow most of us made. To be clear biblically.. God's best is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS forgiveness AND reconciliation. If you search the topic throughout the bible you'd find that divorce was permitted b/c of the “hardest of our hearts”. Although God permits divorce I do not think you can biblically support that he counsels us that divorce is the “best” option…forgiveness and reconciliation is always the best option…and if you don't have trust in God that he can work on your heart to trust and love again….hmm..

Honestly if ur spouse cheats once, and is regretful and seeking repentance and forgiveness do u really believe you will just throw your marriage away…become a single dad/mom not JUST because of the mistake that was made but ALSO your inability or unwillingness to provide the same type of forgiveness you ask God for. Lets not forget the offenses we've committed against God can never be paid, he sent his Son for us….how could we dare “easily” look over an opportunity with our spouse to provide the same mercy and forgiveness. If my wife made it this black and white I'd question her love for me to be only performance based instead as unconditional as she can possibly provide. To be clear if my wife cheated on me in my heart I do not believe I would leave.

Now, habitual cheating is a different perspective….especially for a spouse unwilling to repent and who doesn't want forgiveness or the marriage anymore. In that situation divorce may be an option…RECONCILIATION is always the best option but you cannot reconcile with a party who's not repentant. For those so quick to walk away I'd ask you this question… what is it in your heart that makes you so sure and quick to throw away a union God brought together…why does the love you have for God and your spouse not enough to atleast attempt at reconciliation. For those who says love doesn't heard. Ask Jesus

http://twitter.com/TMichaelMartin TMichael Martin

You make good points…but your fail to realize we are not God…. Also yes God is love but he is also vengeance and he doesn't hesitate to put us in our place when needed. This is why we love him and also fear him as well……
C. O

@Jjrnorman, I'd have to ask you this, what would be in the straying spouse's heart to put our marriage in jeopardy? They made the decision to commit adultery. That itself would destroy the union that God brought together, not the spouse on the recieving end inability to forgive..

Realtalk

I would forgive my partner, but dissolve the relationship. People make mistakes, granted, but I have not interest in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and our relationship to the utmost. Respect and trust are the minimum criteria for a relationship, and they are not negotiable.
VeryBlessed

Infidelity would not be a deal breaker for me, but would definitely be a “pause.” If my husband strayed, we would have to separate for a time, pray, fast, go to counseling, etc. to heal the marriage and our hearts. I wouldnt jump to divorce. With that said, I also know that if he had a full-blown affair (rather than a one-night stand situation), where he has feelings for another woman, that would be much, much harder to forgive and may not be something I could get over.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LNX2UJT2QORJV3T576BWT54DVA Teasa

Most of you make great points. The one that stands out for me is that dealing with infidelity must be hard if God allows us to divorce because of it. I know that He doesn't say we should divorce but it also depends on each individual and their marriage. Me personally, I don't know if I could mentally handle knowing that my husband cheated on me.
T. Rogers

This one is difficult. I understand the tone many are taking here. However, the truth is people are not perfect. Biblical standards are just that, standards. People fall short. They cheat. It happens. We have to come to terms with this. There are many ups and downs in a marriage. All the love in the world does not stop married people from hurting each other some time. By its very nature intamacy opens us up to the possiblilty of serious pain. I don't say this because I have strayed. I haven't. I just know that even the most well meaning people can and do make mistakes. Sometimes thos mistakes are pretty big.

Quoting a few prespriptive Biblical verses sounds good on the surface. But trying to model Christ's love and perserverance in the face of mockery is probably a lot closer to a Christian response. If infideltiy is an automatic out, then what is the point of eveng getting married?
Joy

Well I have been cheated on and it hurts. It hurts for years to come, but I stuck it out and I'm happy I did. The cheating is a symptom of a much larger problem. That problem can be the marriage or with only the person who cheated. It takes the person who stepped out to acknowledge what the “real” issue is and only then can the marriage heal and grow. I walked into this marriage saying that if he cheated on me I was out, but when it happened I was mature enough to give it another try. I think it depends on how “sorry” the person is and whether or not s/he wants to change, if they keep doing it, you're relationship with God, and your support system. Everyone's situation is different. I have a girlfriend who has been given a STD 3x by her husband. The divorce will be final next week and if in her shoes I don't think I would have the strength to stay either.
eden6922

I have been cheated on by my husband, and I decided to stay. Just as Joy stated cheating usually consists of a deeper issue that has to do with the marriage but ultimately with the person who cheated. My husband didn't walk out the door with the goal to cheat on his mind. I think the strangest thing about men, is all things of physicality. When men get angry and can't when a verbal dispute they lash out and fight; and when he can't do that well you know. Cheating it seems to be another one of those outlets that seems to be they only way instinctually know how to react to situations. We as women when cheated on take it as that personal blow and detrimental ending of our relationship and we internalize that cheat because we are emotional creatures and with that it hard for both parties involved to understand that on the surface. When your dating someone it's a little easier to dismiss them, unlike with marriage it challenging to say “I don't want this anymore, please leave or I'm leaving” You've made a public display of your love for each other in front of many, and stated it would be forever. With that being said you will see many sides and deeper depths to that other person that you didn't know about, but like Joy said they have to admit they need that help and want to change whatever self-destructive patterns they have about themselves and find out what's triggering those situations. Most things are on a psychological level, but these days not much people have the patience for “Marriage” anymore. We are a microwave and pizza nation, you got to understand men and women aren't being raised the same way they use to, and soon marriage is going to die because you got babies raising babies and none of them have life-long commitment on their minds “Just like Jay-Z stated “On to the next one” even though that should be on a girlfriend and boyfriend basis; people are now treating marriages the very same way.

TheMrs

Very well put Eden!!! We often have the discussions with our friends about what would be the deal breaker in our relationships and often times it is cheating would end the relationship. There usually a bigger reason to why a person strays on their spouse and it doesn't usually have to be anything “wrong” that the spouse is doing but a multitude of issues that causes them to seek outside stimuli. Now I am by no means stating that infidelity is “ok” but that I understand…the same way that I don't think it's ok to kill your child but I can understand the stresses that would get someone to go over the edge. Sometimes it takes getting caught for the couple to realize that there is truly a problem in other areas.

JasCee698

I was cheated on by my spouse of (6 yrs-together for 8)and found out about it recently( a year later). It was an affair-not a one night stand. Its very, very, very difficult. I'm resentful and hurt. At this point I'm still not sure whether I will stay or divorce him. He's repentant, he's apologized to me, the kids, and my family. I just can not look at him the same anymore. EVERYTHING he says is questionable, his reputation is trashed too because others knew about it. I just want to add that NOBODY can tell you in this situation what's the best thing to do–as far as I'm concerned, People wear masks and show you different parts of them as they feel appropriate. Right now….I'm learning to become more selfish-as I gave away too much of me I believe. Just my 2 cts
lynn

In all marriages it depends on if the injured spouse can see past the hurt (even if they haven't totally worked through it) to find if their marriage has more good than bad and if they believe it can be saved. Too often one spouse throws in the towel quickly and rushes to divorce. It would be better to separate and give it time to be sure, then make a decision. Monique does sound crazy because I doubt this is what she's getting at. She claims to be so empowered when in reality she will take just about anything from her husband. However, I have to admit it's not just the “act” that hurts the other spouse, it's all the continual lies that make them feel like a fool for whatever went on for so long because it destroys the trust. If someone continually lied to you and you didn't know, how could you ever trust them or yourself to not be taken advantage of again?
Blckhrts

This a great discussion. Like many, I believe that infidelity is always an option. In saying that, I also believe that God ALWAYS provides an out. So when someone makes the decision to stray, they are doing so intentionally – maybe not to intentionally destroy their families or hurt their spouse, but they are intentionally feeding a selfish desire and most likely think that they'll get away with it. It's not a mistake. How many of these instances of infidelity would be confessed if they were not discovered first or the cheater was not under the threat of being exposed? I was once told that a man's law was to take it to the grave.

When we as married people guard ourselves against the temptations that could destroy our marriages, it makes it a lot easier to not cross “that” line. If we don't place ourselves in situations where we HAVE to make the decision to do right or do wrong, it makes being faithful a lot easier. Never say never, true but if you are always conscious about not placing yourself in a situation where temptation lurks, you have a better chance of remaining true.
blondie

OK im here reading your comment iv been married for 8 years now and would put my head on the block for my husband but you no what my husband broke my heart im a mix race women my husband is from jamica now iv never hurt him iv only loved him right now im sitting here thinking what did i do for my husband to go out side my marriage and take up a women from the same place has him self now i dont no what happend to him with this women but when he was in her bed sleeping she took my number out of his phone and sent me the photo of my husband with out his cloth not only that my husband shared my life story with this women this women was here in this country using my papers that my husband stole from me and give them to her this women got what she needed from him and then she turned the tables on him but my husband don’t see what he had done and he thinks i should forgive him for what he has done i cry my self to sleep every nigjht im num im so hurt i look at this man every day iv been with him 12 years haw could he do this to me iv ask him for a devoice there is nothing he can say to me my whole marriage was a lie from the get go my heart is broken this man has been with this women for 5 years she has 3 kids for my husband the more i ask him the more lies he tells so dose the women so the only thing i can do is leave him to it he is telling me he loves me so mush i no he dose iv been sick for years i needed a kidney trasplant my family was not a march for me he was he give me the transplant i needed haw could he break my heart like this and go on liveing a double life he has never ever sleep out in all the years iv been with him him sleeping with this women did not hurt me has mush has it did me finding out he was talking to her about my every day life ill never ever get over this but i don’t ever want to marry again i cant look at him he sick my in side thank you

Do You Have a Disposable Marriage?

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