Is Parenthood All It’s Cracked Up To Be?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on July 22nd, 2010 | 19 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

I am in the midst of the Terrible 2′s and Even-Worse 3′s so I might not be the best person to ask. But the interwebs are abuzz with the answer to that question.

The recent New York magazine article, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting,” is getting tons of attention, with 552 comments and counting, and countless similar discussions on other websites.

In it, the author notes several studies that say that children don’t make people happier and that children – duh! – can be a cause of stress. Or, as a quote in the article so succintly put it, “Children are a source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to s$@#.”

I read the article and could find myself nodding in agreement at certain aspects. Yes, I did feel like I was more interesting before kids, because I had more time for hobbies and friends. Yes, I did feel like my relationship with my husband was a lot spicer and a lot less mundane before we had kids. Yes, yes, yes.

I don’t enjoy a lot of the day-to-day aspects of parenthood. Bathtime? Shoot me now. They get to splashing and playing and laughing and it takes me 40 minutes to get them lotioned up and into pajamas, leaving me with a wet floor and bath toys to scoop out. Then the extra responsibility – we have to give them some form of dinner every night, brush their teeth, comb their hair, clip their toenails. Caring for additional human beings is very tiring.

But don’t we know all this when we sign up for the job? Or, if you’re like me and the proud parent of “Surprise!” babies, don’t we accept this when we decide to go with the flow? Is all that’s involved with parenting – endless diaper changes, the PTA meetings, the daily discipline – is it surprising to anyone?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Sha

I would have to say “Yes” now my son is 15 and i'm a single parent and my answer still is “YES”. Its important to remeber there are stages children go through. Some really make you pull your hair out or at least want to! The terrible 2's, preteens, teens , 21.. I'm sure there are more I just have not experienced them yet. There is no greater joy when your child has an accomplishment or even better, say “thank you” or “I love you”. I have not been privy to the ultimate yet” You are the greatest mom ever”. From my own personal experience I suspect I will have to wait until after hes 21-25 to realize this. As we most know, children can be selfish, mean, unappreciative, and the list goes on, and yes at times seem like a setback. I says love them or leave them and I suspect most of us would not trade them for anything in the world:) I really do love being a mom, mummy,ma… Its a great compliment!!
http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I don't think that knowing that I had to do any of those things came as a surprise but I don't think I realized how difficult getting all the mommy things done while trying to balance work, relationship, taking care of myself etc. would be until I had kids. Parenting to me would be easy if I didn't every have to do anything else-lol.
Mrs-C

I don't have any children but I think that it does change life because there are things you have to do that you did not have to before. You have to put someone before yourself which people who are kidless may not be able to fully understand. But whenever you have kids and for whatever reasons I believe it is a beautiful thing. Life is going to be hard with or without kids but as long as you do the very best you can and instill the proper morals and values, your kids will appreciate you no matter what.

Your kids are young now so they need more guidance and attention, so even though they may make you pull your hair out, they in their cute lil way are saying “Thank you mom, we love you, and a job well done”.

Keep your head up, you sound like you're a super mom!
http://www.newrevelationministry.com FirstladyShonda

I wish I could say that it is easy when you don't have to do anything else. lol I'm a stay at home mom and it is not easy. Actually, it is the hardest job on the planet. My hubby salutes me everyday. Because when he calls, he can here them in the background crying and screaming. lol I have two small businesses that I run, just to get a break. I will also be starting school in the fall. Parenting whether working full-time outside job or part-time work is a major life long responsibility.

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

Oh by nothing else to do I didn't mean stay at home mom because that is a job. I am at home right now also and many days I would go running back to work in an office. I meant nothing as in cook, clean up, workout, take a shower, get dressed in the morning-lol. Sometimes it seems like the hardest part is finding the time just to do the things that need to get done in a day and be a parent at the same time.

TCB

I think I was surprised at the effort required! I had no idea!!! But I have to remind myself that someone did the same for me. I think it's okay to vent sometimes and release some steam. Right now, I am in the middle of it — 18 month old twins and a newborn! God help me!

http://twitter.com/AfroMartha Yetunde Rodriguez

Wow, I feel your pain!
TheMrs

Trust and believe it gets greater later!!! My oldest daughter was about 3-1/2 mths shy of her 3rd bday when I had my twins and then 1 week before my twins turned 1 we had our 4th child!!!! At that time I was working full time away from the home but that didn't change the stress factor for us, there was still sooooooooooo much to do at the home front with all those little people. Now the kids are nearly-12, 9, 9, 8, and we added our final chapter who just turned 2!!! It feels like a breeze going through this stage now.

TCB

Thank you for this encouragement. I think of the phrase (may not go quite this way) “To whom much is given, much is required.” I would like to think that I can apply this to this experience we are going through. I know it will get better. I just hit a rough patch of horrid sleep deprivation coupled with my twins starting their terrible twos early… I think it's okay to want to maintain personal hobbies after the children arrived. I just think balance will be the key. Besides, one day these kids will leave the nest and I don't want to feel like I don't know what to do with myself. Again, thank you for the encouragement

TheMrs

I was just talking to my mother and she was asking me about fixing food for my uncles repast and I told her that my little 2 girls(8 &9) are excited to be able to cook this time(my nearly 12 helped with my other uncle about a year ago)!!! My babies are growing up sooo quickly.
There were plenty of times that I was ready to rip my hair out and run in the middle of traffic at rush hour…lol. We got sooo busy with the children that we kind of lost ourselves and it is sad to say that we just started dating each other again. We both really just started picking up our hobbies and doing things that didn't necessarily deal with the kids. It is very important to still be you and not alot of people can manage that. We started out with making sure all the kids were in bed before exhaustion hit us and we would spend maybe 1 hr together outside of the bedroom. As the kids aged a little more and were able to get ready for bed alone, we would spend time alone first and then have time together. We haven't quite gotten to the point where we are able to go out on a regular together or alone but we are getting there and when it comes….WATCH OUT WORLD!!!! LOL
Enjoy this stage in your children's lives and try to make some time to be TCB as well as TCBHubby.

http://twitter.com/AfroMartha Yetunde Rodriguez

I have always wondered if there was any research on how much stress parents develop from having to have so much restraint all the time, lol. Parenting is tough, and it's even tougher in American culture, and in the day and age we live in. I grew up partly in Nigeria, where my parents had live in help. Even with no live-in help, there was family to help you. I'm sure parents of my parents generation back in Nigeria still had stress, but I can't imagine that it was at the same level that we have today. Here and now, families don't always live close, you may not be able to afford the help, therefore you are expected to do it all by yourself. Not only are we raising children in isolated environments, parents are also busy trying to make a career and battle other stresses. I think these factors are why the writer of the New York magazine is questions whether 'parenthood is all it's cracked up to be.'

DianeChristina

I couldn't agree with you more. I'd liek to add, it's also American culture. We work longer hours than almost all Western nations, we have less in savings, more hours we commute to work, more personal debt, high divorce rates, etc. I could go on. But, ultimately we'll need to change things as a society in order to really enjoy raising our off spring. If our focus was more on family and less on the other things in life, I don't think raising children would be so stressfull.

Rmadison

Tara, thanks for the question and the article. I read the whole thing — a fully comprehensive survey of research into the question. The article illustrated two threads that sometimes answer the question in contradictory responses: Is our focus on “moment-to-moment happiness” or “retrospective evaluations of your life?”

Those who take the longer view of the outcomes of parenting are happier and less stressed or depressed than those consumed in moment to moment challenges. In either case, the challenge is even more difficult for single parents. The stress seems to come from our views of joy and fun. Some gain lots of joy from the results of raising a child, while others begrudge the time spent with children as a loss of the fun in their lives before children.

Our lives are more complicated today than a couple of generations ago when my wife and I were raising our children. Now, we are happy grandparents. I can remember my father saying, “Why are you waiting to have children? If you wait until you can afford them, you won't ever start.” The stress that causes parents to ask if parenting is all it is cranked up to be is directly related to conflicting desires for personal happiness in competition with parenting responsibilities. The millennial generation is a self-absorbed generation. As such, they tend to think of children as intrusions to be managed, and then treat them as little adults to negotiate with.

The role of parenting has to do with preserving the species. This used to mean teaching our children skills to survive and get along with others. Now, it seems to mean “give them a toy or game or computer to amuse themselves so that I can have some time to myself.” Then we get frustrated when they demand the same “time to myself” when we want them to do their homework.

I just returned from South Africa for 6 weeks. Poor women there still wrap their young children (up to about 2 years old) in a blanket and carry them on their backs while they shop, or do chores around the house, or go to church. These young children are amazingly quiet and calm — even after they are released from this seemingly confining position. I didn't see the brats that we complain about. During the terrible 2's and 3's, they teach their children to respect adults without having to raise their voices. These lessons carry through to teenage and early adult years. I found the young people to be very respectful and courteous. Many of them expressed a commitment to helping their parents when they were old enough to work.

I also met with several educators and discovered a very subtle reference to young children. They call them “learners.” This is the term used that puts the expectations of children in perspective. Teachers and administraotrs, and even the (students) refer to themselves as “learners.” This makes the idea of homework a priority, not watching a movie or playing a video game, and arguing with parents about which should come first.

For me, the answer is an overwhelming YES. Parenting is the most important responsibility we have as adults. It is all it is cranked up to be and more. We can make it a joy by recognizing that it takes about 21 years to guide a child from birth to adulthood. That's what we sign up for as parents. It is short-sighted to attempt to trade moment-to-moment happiness for the risk of a poor longer term outcome of a responsible adult.

Roger Madison
Staycee2

OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhh being a mom is just BITTERSWEET to me!!!!!! This role gets my blood pumping each and everyday!!! Yes..it's a bit of OVERLOAD from time to time AND yes it isn't about me anymore, but I welcomed the challenge when I gave birth to both of my beautiful kids (daughter 12 & son 4)!!! I wouldn't trade this role in for nothing in the world. I am a wife & work full-time just like all of you. But I must admit that somedays when I come home from work I just sit in my car when I pull up in my driveway because I don't know what awaits me once I put my key in the door and enter my home. But one thing for sure is that my 4 year old jumps my bones and plants the biggest kiss on my lips!!! My 12 year old just comes n nestles up under my arm and from all of that I know they appreciate me more than anything in this world!!!! IJUSTLUVMESUMTHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CieCie

If i may be transparent for a moment I must say No! I did NOT know all that would be involved when I decided to have my girls. My oldest now 18 has put me THROUGH it! And I can still remember my pregnant self explaining at the age of 17 how I was going to have this baby because I wasn't running from my responsibilities. BMWK family….if I could kick myself square in my rear end for that statement I would have a permanent foot there. No matter how much I give, to her it is never enough. I remember as a baby she would cry bloody murder if i washed her hair. I thought she was afraid of so much water at once so i tried to squeeze the water from a small towel on top of her hair. She still screamed. At 18 this child washes her hair so often I think i should buy stock in shampoo! However, although i feel that she should be more responsible and less attitudinal than she is (I'm still working on that), she has those moments where I'm proud of my decision to not run from my responsibilities. Now please excuse me while i figure out how to kick myself!

As for my other two (ages 14 and 11) they are a breeze in comparison. The youngest is very mellow and somewhere in a former life must have been in the service because she has this “never leave a man behind” complex with everyone. The 14yr old is miss booksmart, miss popular, and miss “everyone loves me . Check my swag!” Gotta love em!

Stacee2: I sit in my car in the garage too when i pull into my garage. I call it my wind down time preparing myself for what drama is about the fall in the The Days of My Life.

RMadison: 21?? Really??? Dang I'm going to need more shoes to kick myself! Seriously I've raised the girls pretty much alone and one thing i have changed is the thought that if i had X amount of money we would be better. Instead of making $16k a year my income shot to $46k annually. The result was I worked more hours away from home and all the girls saw was a bunch of “guilt” gifts and mommy flat on her stomach asleep. I missed a few years trying to provide “more than what i had growing up” only to realize what my girls really wanted was me. God is good though because he placed me in a position to where i still made good money but i was able to have a work/life balance.

Tara: As much as I may tell my mother and the girls father “I want my refund. I want my 23 chromosomes back” I wouldn't trade my ladies in for anything. Although my house would be much cleaner, I can't imagine life without them.
JoJo

This article really scares me, I am now expecting my first child and looking forward to the joys of motherhood. After reading this and the additional comments its like “WOW” is this what I have to go through!! I suddenly got depressed . Like many of you I work full-time and also a full-time grad student. I will be delievering in my last semester of school and I am looking forward to this journey and new chapter of my life….y'all is it really that bad?!

I know that this journey will be filled with pecks and valleys but so is life. I don't want to get up every morning at 6am to go to a job I have no passion for and take the nonstop emails from my boss. I can only imagine that being a parent will make my life more interesting and strengthen the relationship I have with my husband.

Tara Pringle Jefferson

@JoJo – We don't mean to scare you, sweetie. But we're being completely truthful here. Motherhood/Parenthood can be a great source of joy, but there are days (weeks, months even) when it's not so fun. When you are just plain T.I.R.E.D. of getting up in the middle of the night, when you'd give anything for breakfast in bed, when you will take days off work and send the kids to daycare because you need a break!

Then there are the wet mouth kisses, the birthday parties, the hugs, the sparkle in their eye when they tell you what they learned that day…it's all part of the package. If you look at motherhood from a day-to-day perspective, there are tons of stressful parts. That's what we're saying here. But if you look at a larger perspective, the fact that you are shaping another person's life…that's beautiful and wonderful and we'd never want to take that joy from you. Best of luck to you!

Anna

Parenthood is all that it is cracked up to be. I love being a mom. I love my kids dearly. Kids give you things all the money in the world can't buy: Kisses, Hugs, Art projects that you don't know what they are, a sense of strive/pride to do better. To all the stay at home moms. I give you props, I work for a vacation. Just remember my motto: They do grow up and you can't get those “first” moments back, no matter how much more money is in your paycheck. Yes there are “Nanny Cams and Skype, but being there for your child(s) “first step, word(which is always da da), laugh, fall and fall out, can be seen online but to not be able to be there in person is heart breaking. Parenthood is rewarding if you allow it to be. Going through the terrible 2s and tantrum 3s is just a phase for most kids, the teen yrs. soon follow and before you know it your little one is all grown up, either planning a wedding, making you a grandparent, or enjoys working in the same office with you. As much as I may bore some with my comment. Parents that invest in their kids, get a sweet return in the long run. Parenting is the most under paid job on the planet. My investment is going to graduations, my daughter planning a wedding and being a new grandmother and I love the woman my son has a child with. Parentng is not for all. I do have to say that if you don't have kids, please don't tell those that do your unsolicited advice. Kids, cry, get tired and some are hyper, while mom/dad is trying to shop for simple things such as groceries.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

It's hard to believe that anyone is surprised at hard it is to be to be a parent. There is so much work involved as with anything else that is important, but this is probably if not the most important job an a human can ever have. To raise another human being, giving them hope, guidance and making them better people than we ever were. While there are great milestones and times when stress doesn't play a big role, but then there are the times you fall to your knees asking for guidance because you don't have the answer. Parenting is no picnic and to be honest there is no reward truly in the end because we will always worry about our children, we will always hope they are making the right decision and we are always hoping that they are happy. SO even when they are 60, they will always remain our little boys and girls. At least we can smile knowing that we have gotten them this far.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany