Marrying Later: Finding Ourselves or Finding Trouble?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 28th, 2010 | 25 comments

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

I recently read one of the most interesting magazine articles that I’ve seen in a while in the April issue of Fitness magazine entitled “How not to be the Starter Wife”. It touched on a variety of issues affecting today’s 20-somethings and the many cultural trends that are leading 20 percent of marriages to fail within the first five years. One point that stood out to me in the article was that marrying later was a possible contributor to this trend.

While waiting to get married by itself was not problematic and may have helped to decrease the rate of quick divorces, a lot of what we are doing when prolonging that “finding ourselves” and “coming of age” period is making it harder once we do decide to settle down. The article cites things like living together before getting engaged, having children out of wedlock, and having numerous sexual partners as things that can be detrimental to a marriage and are happening in much larger numbers now that marriages are happening later and later.

As someone who got married at the pretty average age of 27, the information made me think about the best age to get married. Growing up, I always said that I wanted to get married later in life. I wanted to be old enough to have gotten all of my partying done, have some time to be independent, and have all my stuff together financially and career wise.

Even though I still ended up getting married in my twenties, I also made some of the same life choices that the article named as the main reasons that have couples headed to splitsville early or not getting married at all. Having a child and living with someone in my early twenties were things that I am certain almost had me on the divorce fast track.

I am pretty happy that I didn’t get married any earlier. I honestly do not believe that the much younger version of myself had the maturity to make a marriage work. At the same time, I’m glad that I didn’t wait any longer. True, I was not as together as I wanted to be when I got married, but I think if I kept waiting to have it all together I still wouldn’t be married now, and who knows what type of trouble I may have caused myself in the meantime. I guess at the end of the day I got married at the age that was right for me. I do not think that there is anything wrong in waiting to get married, but I do agree with the article that while waiting we should be more careful about the decisions we make along the way.

Did you get married earlier or later than average? Do you think there are pros and cons to either one?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

I think 27 is a perfect age, actually. I got married at 21 and there are some definite challenges because a lot of personal growth coincides with the growth of your marriage, moreso than if you get married in your 30s, I think.

The most attractive thing about getting married so young was the idea of literally starting my life with him. We came into this together. I didn't already have a house, he didn't already have a house, we didn't have kids with other people, it was just us, from the beginning, through all the growing pains of our 20s and 30s and so on…

But it's difficult. I would never lie and say that it isn't. You have to be really, really mature and extremely patient to make marriage work in your early 20s. And if you have kids right away? Oh, Lawd! It's really hard work.

If I had gotten married in my late 20s or early 30s, I think I would have skipped a lot of the eomtional immaturity that led to a lot of our disagreements. But being married forced me to maturity a lot faster than if I had been single. So there are pros and cons to both. I'm glad I got married young, but it ain't for everybody…

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

@Tara I have seen friends get married young and end up with wonderful marriages and others get married at 20 or 21 and end up divorced by 23. I definitely think there are unique challenges to being young. Sometimes it's less financial stability than a lot of older people and a lot of times it's just society's idea that adolescence should last forever, we're less willing to be mature and responsible than we were years ago. I completely agree with what you said, there are some people that are up for the challenge and others who aren't. I know that I was not!

EPayne

I agree that when you marry older, as I did (older meaning not in my twenties) there's a certain amount of things that can be brought into the relationship that come from being “out there” or living together before marriage. But I also have observed friends who got married straight out of the gate (college, and/or before 25) who grew together through it all and seem stronger than ever. And then there are those who crashed and burned in less than 6 months due to not being complete as individuals before bring all that into their marriages. What I recently heard is that those who are older and maybe even divorcees are able to come together smoothly because they know what they want and are wise and certain enough to seek out compatibility rather than be driven by the lust of attraction which (if you're human) we all know can lead us down paths we never imagined we'd walk.

Bottom Line: Having a plan with that other person probably matters most no matter what the age. Putting that plan before God to bless matters even more. That way as all the involved parties begin to go through their growing pains they can do so but hopefully have their plans and an open line of communication to keep them somewhat on target and together. That's my 2 cents.

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

“Having a plan with that other person probably matters most no matter what the age. Putting that plan before God to bless matters even more. “

Well said!
Duclarij

Totally on point. The disparity in results (some marrying younger and succeeding, some marrying older and still failing) tells us its probably not the age, but the mindset each partner is bringing to the marriage. Whatever you save in the lack of baby momma drama, you gain in appetite and selfishness yet untempered by life. And the same vice versa. There's going to be a unique set of problems in each case.

Adrienne

I got married when I was 19. A few years ago (maybe 5 or 6) I wish I would have waited because there was SO MUCH I never had a chance to do, but we are still married (will be 14 years next year) and while we have had our share of ups and downs, we grew up together, and we are growing up with our children (14, 10, &8). So I wouldn't change anything now, I'm just glad we've made it through our hard times. I know its not “smooth sailing” But we've learned how to handle hard/difficult situations together.

Duclairj

I admire couples who have been able to get to the 'other side' of the hard times. Being in a very young marriage myself, I'm wondering how its done, and most importantly, how I can do it.

Dezzi_24

I think early twenties is a good age to get married. I got married at 23 and we both were finished with college and ready to jump into life experiencing everything together. You grow so much when you are learning to take care of a home and raise kids together. I really think early twenties is a great age.
Ronnie_BMWK

Good article Aja. I was in my early thirties when I got married…and in my twenties I did many things that could have been detrimental to my marriage. But all in all…I think that the age to get married depends on the person. I have met several young married couples that seem the have happy healthy relationships.
Bryan

I think late twenties is a good time to get married, at least it was for me. This may sound like a cliche', but I needed time to figure out what I wanted in a wife and what kind of husband I wanted to be. In college, I was too busy having fun and trying to get into law school to seriously figure out what kind of life partner I wanted to have. My wife and I constantly say that if we had met each other five or ten years earlier, it wouldn't have worked out.
Jo

In my opinion, marriage can happen at any age. However, understanding marriage is the problem. How many married and single people know what marriage is and its intended purpose? Not very many. Many people fall in love with the idea of marriage… and get married. We often forget the patience, selflessness, honor, humility that is required for success in marriage.

Oftentime, people in their 20's have selfish intentions, which is sometimes normal
because that period is for self-discovery. Most 20 somethings are making academic and career decisions and are moving from coast to coast for opportunities ( this is normal). When you get married it is not about you and what you want. Its about your family and what works best for you all. It's odd when self-centered people desire marriage. Self-centered people come in all ages, and many are married (YIKES). This is not about age, it about peoples approach and understanding of the institution.I just dont think the I's and Me's work well in marriages.

I am 28 and feel that I just arrived at the point of wanting to learn about marriage ( I am slowly moving from the what I need… and what I want phase. lol). Boy, am I learning a lot. No age category determines ones' willingness to submit to the institution of marriage. It is simply about the desire to learn and submit ( something most just don't want to do).

Great read! Thanks
http://twitter.com/MrsDayCOM Erica Day

I'm 39 and just got married. It's not that I was waiting, per se; it's just when it happened for me. I did a LOT of things that could have railroaded my marriage, but so has he. We talk about it, let the past be the past, and appreciate each other for who and where we are now.
Harmony

Marriage is not the end all and be all of life…it's a PART of life. Even it a person is very mature in their 20's what is the rush to get married? Too many of us…ESPECIALLY women….allow a relationship or a man to define us. I'm 34 got engaged at 33. I had a lot of soul searching and growing to do as a woman…an not only that…I had to learn how to deal with MEN. Ladies…we think we are born knowing how to deal with the opposite sex..and we tend to have a self righteous attitude…like only the men need to get it together…learning to deal with a man as well as learning to speak and understand his language is HUGE learning process all by itself.
Michael buie

I got married at 32 and I think it was the best decision I could ever make. Other than communication maturity is one of the most important pieces of a great marriage. Marriage is for grown folks…lol. I think your 20's is good time to be on your own, date others, and build a foundation(especially for us as men). Once your foundation is in order then you can be of service to someone else(your mate).

Duclairj

True. Most people marrying young (myself included) haven't fully appreciated the cost of marriage (and I don't mean just monetary). From my female experience, the type of settling down and sacrifice that it takes for a man to be the leader and priest of his home, just doesn't come in the early 20's. Sometimes, it never comes. I applaud all the experienced men who can tell a younga brotha to just hold it off; taking on a wife and possible kids just isn't for the unestablished.

Mytruth

I am getting married in 2 months, and I will be 28 yrs old. The timing is perfect IMO. We've been together since 20/21 anyway, but we were able to pursue additional education, job opportunities, grow as individuals, and all of the other stuff before getting married, which is idea IMO. We don't have any kids, and I don't doubt that we would have made it if we had married sooner, but all in all, I am oh so happy about our timing… Hopefully I will be saying the same a few years from now
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3NEV3BGPNEC47VNWXHRPTPXZZA Avery

I got married when I was 21. My husband grew up in the church and so did I. After we had our daughter (before we were married) we were “shackin” and I just didn't feel comfortable anymore. We talked about aur options about two weeks later he asked me to marry him. I feel that a persons age doens't really determine if they are ready to marry yet, just as long as that person has God and a solid foundation then they can make marriage work.
T. Rogers

I got married at 27. I think it was a great age. From what I have noticed many older singles have a harder time coming together with potential spouses. People tend to get set more in their ways as they age. It is one thing to know what you want. It is another to refuse to compromise or even reconsider some of the things you want. In general, the late twenties to early thirties is the best age range for marriage. You are old enough to understand yourself, but still young enough to truly grow with another person.

Of course, this is not set in stone. Different people have different circumstances and experiences. Now in my mid thirties I am glad to have seen my wife mature before my eyes. The great thing about the maturity she has today is I can see my imprint. Her imprint is DEFINITELY on any maturity I have gained over the last several years. That mutual impact on one another's growth provides a very strong bond that is not easily broken.
http://twitter.com/TMichaelMartin TMichael Martin

I like this article it was very honest. People really need to understand that marriage will constantly evolve. Marriage is not always peaches and cream. Sometimes it gets hard. You have to be willing to work on the downs and be willing to get back up. People have a clouded idea of what marriage is suppose to be. Marriage can be what ever you are willing to make it. Just know it's going to take work. Anything worth having is worth working for to keep it! I have said this a lot on here MARRIAGE IS NOT A GAME !

Duclairj

That's a tough pill to swallow TMichael. And as much as we may warn and be warned, no one knows just what they're getting into til they're in it. Most people get out saying “this is not what I signed up for” and in reality, its not. The whole thing to the “commitment” in marriage is to be willing to change your idea of what it is you signed up for, what a spouse is supposed to be, and what you are getting (or whether you are even supposed to be getting) out of marriage. In addition, because of a generation that just wasn't raised right, we have the added work of having to figure out if some behavior is part of the package or just plain foolishness we shouldn't put up with. And there is no right answer to that. What's good for the goose isn't necessarily good for the gander. Experienced married persons will find they do much good in the world by being there for those younger in marriage (not necessarily younger in age). Because the forewarnings just can't be fully appreciated until one is actually in the hot water.

Anna

What you want at 18 is not what you want at 20. What you want at 20 is not what you want at 25. I got married a few weeks before I turned 30, I am 43 now. Still married and knew that I wanted someone to have fun with and grow old with. I can say that considering marriage later in life does have it's rewards, because most have been there and done that. I was/am selfish though because I did not want my mate to have been married before nor have kids. I see too many woman afraid of getting old and will marry for the sake of saying “I have a husband”, but find themselves being the new wife when the in-laws really did love the “Starter Wife”. LOL. I see too many woman settling for marriage knowing their new husband has kids they don't support, mentally or financially. Some women do really think that if they get married and have a child w/their husband that he won't leave her. Why do women think they can change a man? LOL. If a man leaves more than one woman that he has kids with and marries you, you are only marrying for disappointment and much pain. A Zebra doesn't change his stripes, what you see is what you get. LOL.
Shelly

I agree that marrying does not depend on the age of the person. I believe it depends on the maturity level of the people who are entering into a covenant. Yes, I believe that marriage is a ministry and anything worth having is worth working for and with anything you are going to have to work at it. IMO it is easy to leave a marriage and hard to work at it. I do think people need to make sure that they are ready and not just doing it for the sake of saying that they are married. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and are still married and have gone through good,bad ugly and indifferent and there were many times that I wanted to walk away but thought long and hard about it and decided that I choose to do it so I was in it for the long haul unless he had lost his mind and started to beat me or my children then that may have changed my mind but we are still holding on.
CieCie

At 37 I still have not married. Not that I didn't want to, it just never came to pass due to my selection of men. I can honestly say I'm afraid of getting set in my ways. I do try to stay aware of this and am constantly working against it. It's definitely an internal battle.

My daughters father married for the first time this year (he's 36) and 2 weeks later, looking for an annulment. I believe it may have been due to the idea of marriage instead of the reality of the work involved. Not to mention the years of being a huge player that affected his attitude. Of course he claimed she changed. My response was a person cannot change within 2 weeks. Those factors were already there but maybe never examined due to the “I wanna be married” fever.

I think that there are pros and cons of marrying later. One pro being you get to know yourself (or at least you should if you MATURE with time) One con is you start to get set in your ways and sometimes are less willing to accept or compromise on many issues.
Divine and Debt Free

lol CieCie I thought there were only two reasons you could file for annulment 1. no consummation of marriage and 2 mentally unstable…… does your ex fall into one of those or am I missing something?

anywhoot I am 27, and I think it would have been nice to marry younger but I also thing Im at a good age. I have learned a lot due to waiting and while I think Im ready I am sure there will still be challenges in a relationship until I die.

People forget we are always evolving no matter what age. When it comes to marriage you just need to decide together that you are going to deal with the changes together. I am not the same now as I was at 21 and I doubt I will be the same as I am now at 57, can't keep divorcing just because we grow older and life shapes us for the good or bad. For me divorce will not be an option. However I do not want to be married just because my clock is ticking, I will wait until I am 100 if I have to in order to meet the man who shares my same values. Otherwise its not worth it.

great article!

CieCie

lol….child please….I will take the mentally unstable for $200 Alex! lol See Divine and Debt Free, now you got me rolling at the workplace! lol

In all honesty and seriousness I will say that she was lead to believe things that weren't necessarily true and other things that were NOT divulged that should have been. When I think of this situation, who is to blame? The person who went in trusting and not running background checks or the culprit who falsified and omitted information in his application??

I do agree with you completely when you say “People forget we are always evolving no matter what age”. I'm currently watching several of my married friends who married young and so in love but over time one has felt they have “outgrown” the other. A few are on the brink of divorce and some are holding true to their vows no matter the challenges they face. I am in total agreeance with your statement “you can't keep divorcing just because we grow older and life shapes us for the good or bad”.