An Arranged Marriage Is Not Such a Bad Idea
by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My husband and I are raising two great girls who are going to (prayerfully) grow up to be two great women. Based on the values we are teaching, GOD first, self-love and self-respect, family and education are just a few of the many values we want our girls to walk away with. As they get older we hope that they will continue in the way that we’ve taught and choose future spouses that mirror those same ideas. In our circle, we have friends that are raising their children in similar ways. As I watch them and know that their children will also (prayerfully) grow up to be great people, I started to understand why in other cultures (like some Indian cultures), arranged marriages were a preferred choice.
As a child the concept of arranged marriages made absolutely no sense to me. I thought no one should have a say in who you love or spend the rest of your life with. Although I do not have the power or the desire to arrange a marriage, I can relate to the idea behind it. We all want the absolute best for our children and their futures. If you were able to see how the mate your child will choose was raised, wouldn’t it ease your concerns as to whether or not they chose the right person? If it was a person your child knew and grew up with, wouldn’t it make you feel more comfortable? For me, it absolutely would. But in wanting the best for their futures, I must also seek their happiness. So even though we are longtime friends with a great couple who have two great little boys the same ages as our daughters, I will allow my girls to live and love as they choose, for the most part. But I will be there to help heal any broken hearts and there to cheer when they do fall in love and settle down. If it happens to be one of our friends’ little boys, of course I would be pleased. But in the meantime, I will stay out of their matters of the heart. So, although I would never arrange a marriage, I do understand.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on arranged marriages?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
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Comments (20)
Two children and 19 years of marriage later, I wish I had followed my heart and not my parents.
It would help young people (20's & 30's) focus on their future more, rather than instant gratification of the moment and the consequences which come along with it...children out of wedlock, financial disasters, dumb tattoos...whatever it is we do at a young age and later regret.
I would loved to have been set up with my parents offering me choices, but I ultimately make the final decision. It would eliminate alot of this foolishness we go through in this country.
I went on a date with a family friend's son once. Our families had known each other so long that our grandmothers were best friends and every one was excited when we went on the date. However I quickly came to realize that he only talked about sex and his only goal was to try and sleep with me as quickly as possible. After that our families would ask why I didn't continue to date him because he was such a nice guy even though I knew it was a front. I definitely agree that parents should give guidance in choosing the right type of mate, at the same time you have to be the one dealing with that person when the lights go out which is why I think that the choice is important as well.
The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world partly because of the poor decision making of the folks who fall in love. 60% of the marriages in the world are arranged and in India over 90% are arranged and their divorce rate is 7%. Now this is America and not India, however, most all research says the success of any marriage is attributed to 2 things... romantic attraction and emotional maturity which is why arrange marriages work so well.
We Americans have got the romantic attraction done pat but where in the world do you learn emotional maturity. The Cosby's were the LAST show on TV that showed much emotional maturity and as for now with few exceptions like Will Smith, these role models don't exist.
This is where arrange marriages could make a big differences. Family, friends, colleagues and relatives all begin to explore the personality, values, goals and temperament of the young adult who is ready to marry. Then after basically going through a critical thinking process which by definition is a sign of emotional maturity, they start talking to a comparable group of other folk who happen to have a young adult of the opposite sex who is also ready to marry.
Ultimately, with dispassionate clarity, the families pick who partners with who. Then the couple meet, get married and go to work on the love part. I realize this is completely FOREIGN to most folks, but in case you haven't noticed, our current "love is all you need approach" has been failing for decades AND it results in the highest divorce rate in the world. Time for a change!?
I've read a number of books on the subject of arranged marriages and I'm fascinated by it. I think they can work out better than people think. With arranged marriages the focus is not totally on love. It is about family and building a life together. The courting is done after the marriage. I think arranged marriages would help strengthen the black community.
Two children and 19 years of marriage later, I wish I had followed my heart and not my parents.