Do You Have a Disposable Marriage?
Mo’Nique caught a lot of flack for saying that if her husband cheated, it wasn’t a dealbreaker. Well, let me not put words in the woman’s mouth – here’s a quote from a 2007 New York Times interview:
“‘We have an agreement that we’ll always be honest,” Mo’Nique said of the year-old marriage. ”And if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us, that’s not something where we’ll say, ‘Oh my God, we’ve got to go to divorce court, and you cheated on me.’ Because we don’t cheat.”
A lot of people (including some of the BMWK faithful) balked at the idea of acknowledging that your spouse might stray and accepting it as no big deal.
But what I took away from her comments was something a little deeper. Mo’Nique is on her third marriage – she’s done with playing games, as she said later on in that same interview. All she wants is honesty within her marriage – and I can respect that.
I do not think that my husband would cheat on me, or do anything deliberately to hurt me, but if he cheated, I would like to think that I would be a big enough woman to 1) take some time to cool off during a separation period, 2) access what the actual damage to our marriage is (loss of trust, etc.), 3) and then make a decision with my husband on what our next steps would be. I would like to think I could be that mature.
I think what’s at the heart of her comments is that she doesn’t think her marriage is disposable. We have to get back into the space where we view marriage was a lifelong commitment. Not just when everything is peaches and cream, not just when everything is coming up roses, not just when the bills are paid and the house is clean and you just got a raise at work. But even when you feel unappreciated, or when the sex isn’t as regular as you’d like or (worst of all) someone strays.
But everyone has their own ideas on what’s a dealbreaker in their marriage. For some, one slip-up and you’re out of there. For others, it’s takes a lot more to make them throw in the towel.
For those who have dealt with infidelity (or the threat of infidelity) – how did you determine you wanted to stay? What steps did you take to get your marriage back on track?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
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Comments (36)
Now I may have felt a different when I was younger but as I get older I look at things in a whole new light. If my husband were to cheat on me, I am sorry there is no way I could look at him and love him in the same way I once had. The same would go for me, if the script was flipped. There are many reasons why people give others a second, third, and repeated chances, may that includes children, fear of being alone, and admitting failure. No matter what the factor is you must respect yourself and do what feels best to do.
Bottom line, infidelity is not excusable and should not be tolerated.
1) Love does not and should not hurt - if we love each other as GOD intended then we would not be hurt because HIS love is perfect but we are not, we make mistakes, we tend to hurt one another unwillingly or otherwise.
2) Forgiveness is the other matter to address - "there is no reason why there should be a second chance", we should forgive as God has forgiven us and allow Him to ease our pain that someone else has caused us to feel.
I am not trying to change your mind but I hope that you take what's said into consideration. Be blessed.
Infidelity is a deal breaker to me. It is not me disposing of my marriage, but the perpetrator of the infidelity who is throwing away our covenant. Fidelity is not difficult, but it is a decision that we have to make and live on a daily basis in our marriages and relationships.
What if it were you that step outside of your marriage? (JUST A QUESTION) Would you, knowing how much you love your husband/wife and how sorry your were for it, want them to forgive you or would you accept the knowledge that you will not be forgive and not try?
talking about forgiveness in the event of infidelity is not a bad thing. stuff happens. we do wrong in our hearts daily. we would all be shocked at the emotions and thoughts running through our minds and hearts about each other. about the person we are committed to love for the rest of our lives! if we had privy to those things, would we bolt immediately? what about the possibility that wickedness and evil rest in the heart of EVERY man? do you think you and your husband are immune to this.
WE nailed Jesus to the cross with our inquity. He forgive us for our sin putting him through the Death and in the Grave.
But you would refuse to forgive your husband? Just don't say what you won't do and pray that NEITHER of you ever strays.
GOD gave all man free will, infidelity is always a choice, and never a so called mistake. The lesson of the cross is bearing responsibility for ones choices. It is always easier to forgive someone who realizes and admits to a bad choice, Than a coward who lies, cheats and hides his out of guilt.
That being said, I have read a lot of these comments, and many of them sound like people who are trying to justify poor choices with Gods grand forgiveness. The question comes, how many people who choose to make the mistake, also choose to accept the responsibility of that mistake. How many are open and honest about the mistake they made, even when confronted? ask that question? How many really do try to mend the void? How many truly feel the pain of their partner? how many accept that they are the cause of that pain? how many accept responsibility for setting things right? How many really commit to mending the problem?
If they were that committed, they probably would never have strayed to begin with.
So how committed is this person to God? or should the commitment and strength of the partner solely bear the weight of another human beings poor choice?
Forgiving a mistake does not mean accepting it's repetition, ever. No one should ever de-value another good honest person because they are unwilling to allow a mistake to be repeated. That has nothing to do with forgiveness at all.
It has to do with responsibility and accountability.
I read all these words of forgiveness, but honestly what I see.....
It looks a lot like guilt disguised in justification of God's love.
You know your own guilt.
Don't ask for man's forgiveness, ask for God's. Ask for your own.
Accept the burden of your cross, that is the lesson Jesus wanted us to learn.
Honestly if ur spouse cheats once, and is regretful and seeking repentance and forgiveness do u really believe you will just throw your marriage away...become a single dad/mom not JUST because of the mistake that was made but ALSO your inability or unwillingness to provide the same type of forgiveness you ask God for. Lets not forget the offenses we've committed against God can never be paid, he sent his Son for us....how could we dare "easily" look over an opportunity with our spouse to provide the same mercy and forgiveness. If my wife made it this black and white I'd question her love for me to be only performance based instead as unconditional as she can possibly provide. To be clear if my wife cheated on me in my heart I do not believe I would leave.
Now, habitual cheating is a different perspective....especially for a spouse unwilling to repent and who doesn't want forgiveness or the marriage anymore. In that situation divorce may be an option...RECONCILIATION is always the best option but you cannot reconcile with a party who's not repentant. For those so quick to walk away I'd ask you this question... what is it in your heart that makes you so sure and quick to throw away a union God brought together...why does the love you have for God and your spouse not enough to atleast attempt at reconciliation. For those who says love doesn't heard. Ask Jesus
Quoting a few prespriptive Biblical verses sounds good on the surface. But trying to model Christ's love and perserverance in the face of mockery is probably a lot closer to a Christian response. If infideltiy is an automatic out, then what is the point of eveng getting married?
When we as married people guard ourselves against the temptations that could destroy our marriages, it makes it a lot easier to not cross "that" line. If we don't place ourselves in situations where we HAVE to make the decision to do right or do wrong, it makes being faithful a lot easier. Never say never, true but if you are always conscious about not placing yourself in a situation where temptation lurks, you have a better chance of remaining true.