Is Parenthood All It’s Cracked Up To Be?
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I am in the midst of the Terrible 2′s and Even-Worse 3′s so I might not be the best person to ask. But the interwebs are abuzz with the answer to that question.
The recent New York magazine article, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting,” is getting tons of attention, with 552 comments and counting, and countless similar discussions on other websites.
In it, the author notes several studies that say that children don’t make people happier and that children – duh! – can be a cause of stress. Or, as a quote in the article so succintly put it, “Children are a source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to s$@#.”
I read the article and could find myself nodding in agreement at certain aspects. Yes, I did feel like I was more interesting before kids, because I had more time for hobbies and friends. Yes, I did feel like my relationship with my husband was a lot spicer and a lot less mundane before we had kids. Yes, yes, yes.
I don’t enjoy a lot of the day-to-day aspects of parenthood. Bathtime? Shoot me now. They get to splashing and playing and laughing and it takes me 40 minutes to get them lotioned up and into pajamas, leaving me with a wet floor and bath toys to scoop out. Then the extra responsibility – we have to give them some form of dinner every night, brush their teeth, comb their hair, clip their toenails. Caring for additional human beings is very tiring.
But don’t we know all this when we sign up for the job? Or, if you’re like me and the proud parent of “Surprise!” babies, don’t we accept this when we decide to go with the flow? Is all that’s involved with parenting – endless diaper changes, the PTA meetings, the daily discipline – is it surprising to anyone?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
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Comments (19)
Your kids are young now so they need more guidance and attention, so even though they may make you pull your hair out, they in their cute lil way are saying "Thank you mom, we love you, and a job well done".
Keep your head up, you sound like you're a super mom!
There were plenty of times that I was ready to rip my hair out and run in the middle of traffic at rush hour...lol. We got sooo busy with the children that we kind of lost ourselves and it is sad to say that we just started dating each other again. We both really just started picking up our hobbies and doing things that didn't necessarily deal with the kids. It is very important to still be you and not alot of people can manage that. We started out with making sure all the kids were in bed before exhaustion hit us and we would spend maybe 1 hr together outside of the bedroom. As the kids aged a little more and were able to get ready for bed alone, we would spend time alone first and then have time together. We haven't quite gotten to the point where we are able to go out on a regular together or alone but we are getting there and when it comes....WATCH OUT WORLD!!!! LOL
Enjoy this stage in your children's lives and try to make some time to be TCB as well as TCBHubby.
Those who take the longer view of the outcomes of parenting are happier and less stressed or depressed than those consumed in moment to moment challenges. In either case, the challenge is even more difficult for single parents. The stress seems to come from our views of joy and fun. Some gain lots of joy from the results of raising a child, while others begrudge the time spent with children as a loss of the fun in their lives before children.
Our lives are more complicated today than a couple of generations ago when my wife and I were raising our children. Now, we are happy grandparents. I can remember my father saying, "Why are you waiting to have children? If you wait until you can afford them, you won't ever start." The stress that causes parents to ask if parenting is all it is cranked up to be is directly related to conflicting desires for personal happiness in competition with parenting responsibilities. The millennial generation is a self-absorbed generation. As such, they tend to think of children as intrusions to be managed, and then treat them as little adults to negotiate with.
The role of parenting has to do with preserving the species. This used to mean teaching our children skills to survive and get along with others. Now, it seems to mean "give them a toy or game or computer to amuse themselves so that I can have some time to myself." Then we get frustrated when they demand the same "time to myself" when we want them to do their homework.
I just returned from South Africa for 6 weeks. Poor women there still wrap their young children (up to about 2 years old) in a blanket and carry them on their backs while they shop, or do chores around the house, or go to church. These young children are amazingly quiet and calm -- even after they are released from this seemingly confining position. I didn't see the brats that we complain about. During the terrible 2's and 3's, they teach their children to respect adults without having to raise their voices. These lessons carry through to teenage and early adult years. I found the young people to be very respectful and courteous. Many of them expressed a commitment to helping their parents when they were old enough to work.
I also met with several educators and discovered a very subtle reference to young children. They call them "learners." This is the term used that puts the expectations of children in perspective. Teachers and administraotrs, and even the (students) refer to themselves as "learners." This makes the idea of homework a priority, not watching a movie or playing a video game, and arguing with parents about which should come first.
For me, the answer is an overwhelming YES. Parenting is the most important responsibility we have as adults. It is all it is cranked up to be and more. We can make it a joy by recognizing that it takes about 21 years to guide a child from birth to adulthood. That's what we sign up for as parents. It is short-sighted to attempt to trade moment-to-moment happiness for the risk of a poor longer term outcome of a responsible adult.
Roger Madison
As for my other two (ages 14 and 11) they are a breeze in comparison. The youngest is very mellow and somewhere in a former life must have been in the service because she has this "never leave a man behind" complex with everyone. The 14yr old is miss booksmart, miss popular, and miss "everyone loves me . Check my swag!" Gotta love em!
Stacee2: I sit in my car in the garage too when i pull into my garage. I call it my wind down time preparing myself for what drama is about the fall in the The Days of My Life.
RMadison: 21?? Really??? Dang I'm going to need more shoes to kick myself! :) Seriously I've raised the girls pretty much alone and one thing i have changed is the thought that if i had X amount of money we would be better. Instead of making $16k a year my income shot to $46k annually. The result was I worked more hours away from home and all the girls saw was a bunch of "guilt" gifts and mommy flat on her stomach asleep. I missed a few years trying to provide "more than what i had growing up" only to realize what my girls really wanted was me. God is good though because he placed me in a position to where i still made good money but i was able to have a work/life balance.
Tara: As much as I may tell my mother and the girls father "I want my refund. I want my 23 chromosomes back" I wouldn't trade my ladies in for anything. Although my house would be much cleaner, I can't imagine life without them.
I know that this journey will be filled with pecks and valleys but so is life. I don't want to get up every morning at 6am to go to a job I have no passion for and take the nonstop emails from my boss. I can only imagine that being a parent will make my life more interesting and strengthen the relationship I have with my husband.
Then there are the wet mouth kisses, the birthday parties, the hugs, the sparkle in their eye when they tell you what they learned that day...it's all part of the package. If you look at motherhood from a day-to-day perspective, there are tons of stressful parts. That's what we're saying here. But if you look at a larger perspective, the fact that you are shaping another person's life...that's beautiful and wonderful and we'd never want to take that joy from you. :) Best of luck to you!
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany