Marriage Counseling…for One?
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I consider my marriage a strong one. We generally get along, we love each other, we rarely argue, we go on dates when we can. 80% of the time, we’re like Will and Jada (or Lamar and Ronnie…LOL!).
But then there are the weeks where he’s working late, our sex life fizzles, a bill is past due or something else happens to throw off our delicate dance and we’re cranky and our communication is poor. It takes a couple days (or weeks) to get it back to running smoothly.
Normal, right? My husband seems to think so. But I spend so much time writing and researching relationship topics, reading self-help books, evaluating our marriage, that I think things could be better.
I told him I would like to go to marriage counseling. Not because anything is necessarily wrong, but to reflect on our “opportunities for growth,” as an employer would say. I would like to strengthen our communication, and increase our daily intimacy.
As you can probably guess from the simple fact that I’m writing this article, he doesn’t necessarily want to go. If he does go, it’ll be grudgingly, and I don’t really see the point in that.
What do you do when one person wants to go to counseling and the other doesn’t? Is it fair to “force” someone to go? Can you get as much accomplished with just one person participating? My fear is that you can’t.
I’m already taking individual therapy sessions as a way to work on me and what I bring to the relationship. I tried to use the car analog that I think Lamar used on the site. Would you drive a car for 10 years without getting the oil changed or tires rotated? No – a car needs regular maintenance to keep it running smoothly and to protect the value. I see our marriage in the same way.
BMWK family, have you even found yourself in this situation – one person wants counseling and the other doesn’t? How did you resolve it?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
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Comments (44)
I would like to change the response to answer your question...I don't think counseling "makes" a happy couple. I believe the little things that we don't realize is overlooked. Bishop T.D. Jakes explains the problems in marriages is the "80-20 rule." He states we only see the 20% our spouses are doing wrong but never see the 80% they are doing right. For instance my wife is not the best cook but instead of gripping about her cooking at least she loves me enough to make me "questionable" food. But there are others husbands that can't get their wives to make the water. If we really think about that we should be happy that our marriages or spouses is not like that. We can sometimes push an issue so much that we"push" our spouses away. Be mindful that a mole hill doesn't become a mountain...
But as I stated in the article, I want to improve our communication. I don't think communication is a little thing in a relationship - in fact, much of our happiness hinges on whether we can communicate what we need from each other and respond in a way that delivers on those requests. Right now, we're stuck. Which is why I suggested counseling as a way to get us over the hump.
I am not interested in having a "good enough" marriage. I didn't get married for it to be "good enough." I want a GREAT marriage. Is that unrealistic? Or do you stop pushing once you get to good enough?
Black people, especially men, have this unfortunate hang-up about counseling that really is sad because it's such a valueable outlet to deal with issues productively. For me, I wanted to learn to communicate with him via a mediator to teach us to really process what the other is saying. It's been roughly two weeks and I know for a fact this is the best decision I've made as a wife thus far. Some ppl might think it's crazy after only 9 months, but why let a good thing turn bad only to work overtime to try to make it great....when I can salvage our good times now and reach our full relational potential even earlier. If you believe in it, there's no good explanation for the other partner not to atleast TRY it.
I do think marriage counseling can be valuable for everyone, but my husband's hangup is talking to someone other than me about problems in our marriage. He's not feeling it. I admit - it's not necessarily the most natural thing in the world for us. But I do think that someone with an objective set of eyes can help us see things we might improve and give us tips on how to get there.
I'm happy to hear that marriage counseling is working for you and your husband!
When I first went to him about counseling, a major turn-off was his nonchalant reaction and lack of enthusiasm. I was offended, like how can you not take something that can help us seriously AND be happy about it??! I was pissed and like welp maybe "we" aren't a priority then" and wasn't sure we had what it took to be consistently happy...hey cut me some slack, I'm a dramtic newbie lol. But, in just a few sessions, I've learned that HE actually feels better by letting stuff out/talking. I sat there one day surprised he had so much to say. But I recognized the difference was HE had the floor...he didn't have to fear my endless interruptions and biligerent responses if he said what I deemed mean or hurtful. He was "protected (meaning, our therapist is there to maintain conversational order and help us stay on track) and that's something I hope to learn to do on our own.
Did that make sense?
If you are at 80% in a strong marriage, what does 83% or 86% or 97% look like? You say 80% he may think you are at 99.9% Are these improvements on the list of "nice to haves" or "need to haves". Have you compared your visions of great communication? Do your lists read like his lists?
Ok, so not to discourage anyone from continuing to grow and strengthen a relationship, maybe its not that he doesn't see any opportunities to improve but he doesn't agree on how to approach them. Maybe it's the formality of sitting in an office being counseled that is an issue. Have you considered a married couple's retreat or using date night in creative ways?
I agree with Da Minister- go have some fun with this. Empower yourselves to be your own marriage counselors. What about another 30 Day Challenge. Maybe the next 30 days can be about communication and sex- okay mostly sex. After all, didn't the 30day challenge show that communication gets better when you are having sex?
If I can be frank, I don't think sex is the answer. I want to be able to TALK to him. We've been having sex and two kids later, ain't nothing changed but the birth control. LOL
i understand communication is important. it's important to me in my marriage. BUT, his level of communication could be non-verbal. Still waters run deep and all that jazz. This is something i recently learned about my quiet husband. we've just celebrated 6 years and it's still hard. it's a bit better but we had a MAJOR issue to get it to where it is now<--i don't suggest anyone venturing there. truthfully, if the man is giving you most of what you need, you need to find a way to get the other portions of what you need in a different way/from a different channel. as long as it's legal and righteous, of course...
one other note, he and i have been to counseling more times than i can number - different counselors too. some insights followed, a bit of understanding developed but all-in-all, it was a waste of $ and time. Christ-following Christian life is the best answer to your issues. daily devotionals and couples prayer sessions.
and i wouldn't suggest going to a counselor alone to discuss relationship issues. naturally, the counselor will only counsel one side of the issue. that's never a good thing because you will end up with a lopsided "professional" opinion.
I want to 1st the The_A for the support and understanding and would like to add a few more comments.
@Tara
Once before he white dress, the ring, the vows, the cake, the flower girl, etc there was 2 words that was actions words that we strayed away from after "I DO!" The 2 words are: Intimacy & Romance! Now before I get misunderstood let me explain...intimacy when define means to be close and not necessary sex (sorry fellows...lol)! Here is what most married couples forget and I know we have jobs and children and bills and friends, but there was a time way back yonder when we were dating that we desired to be close to one another. Whether it be on the phone or out for dinner and for some of us B.C. (Before Christ...lol) the club and whatever else we longed to hang with each other. We would look at the clock and count down the seconds and wouldn't touch overtime or ignore a call when we were with them or disappear into the night just to see them. Which INTIMACY led to ROMANCE! Nobody had to tell us how or when to be together, WE knew how to come together. My wife & I before we were married would sit at each others job for hours and talked. Mind you at worked in retail and she worked at a check cashing place. Before, during, and after our shifts we turned our attention towards each other. To add insult to injury we got mad when at each other when we had to do some work...lol! I'm saying recall those days we as married people have lost INTIMACY and ROMANCE! How? I do not know...
I think someone above mentioned it but perhaps you should try to get him to a different setting, i.e. a marriage education class like Basic Training For Couples, a retreat or rent a communication DVD and watch it together etc... where you both can get some new tools to add to the toolbox but may be easier the first time out than sitting with a counselor or psychologist.
We have tried counseling in the past, the first time was probably about 8 yrs ago and I made the suggestion and he went along with it. We went for about 4-5 mths 1x a week and then changed to 2x a month because of scheduling conflicts with our kids for another 4-5 mths. He wasn't sold on the idea of counseling but was willing to do it because I wanted to do it, where did that get us...he felt that the counselor was telling him he was right!!! Fast forward to this past year and we have ventured back to counseling, this time I suggested and it was received better...he looked forward to it. We fell off because of our family obligations but are trying to get back in and we started talking to our pastor as well.
Something that I thought just a few days ago and my pastor actually said to me yesterday(never told him my thought) was that even if your partner isn't willing to go to counseling or use another means of building(self-help books) it doesn't hurt to do it yourself and build on your own issues...this too can strengthen your relationship!!! Once your partner sees you changing/growing it will cause a reaction.
However, I have been in a situation where another previous partner did not want to go until the issues became serious. I wish we had both decided to go sooner. In hindsight, I can now see the value of starting as an individual if your partner isn't ready...even though a marriage is a union, there is always work that individuals can do. This may demonstrate that the one pushing for it is serious and can be a motivator for the other.
The way I look at it, if your husband isn't crazy about going to counseling but will go begrudgingly then you should go. Don't wait for him to be excited about it. Its like waiting for him to be excited about doing the dishes. Its not going to happen but the dishes will get done.
BMWK!!! I can't comment via mobile anymore on this site... :(
I've tried the whole "let him communicate how he wants to communicate" angle. Believe me, counseling is not the first step I've suggested to improve our communication. We've been together for six years now - it's been an ongoing process of figuring out what works and what doesn't in terms of communication. I won't give up on this (which is maybe why I seem obssessed to others) because I think good communication is the basis of all healthy relationships. Ours, I think, is sub-par.
Annnnnnd, I'm done. :)
Respecting your right to be done with this thread, I'll wish you all the very best in manifesting the results you want for yourself and your relationship with your husband and let it rest.
Peace & Love
I admit, I was getting frustrated because having a boink-fest (as my younger sister would say) just didn't seem like it would help get to the heart of the matter. If you'd still like to clarify your statements, I would honestly love to hear more. You've got me thinking! :)
I'm not gone and I'm thrilled to know that you found inspiration in my comment. Looking forward to your post.
My points of clarification came down to developing a shared vision of communication with your husband. It sounds like you two have the classic gender differences with communication. Men -in general- are fine with intimacy through proximity and women -in general- want to talk about feelings. The 30 day challenge was a great idea because it sets up an intention to spend a portion of each day doing something fun together. It also becomes a space in the day to create the intimacy and romance that Da Minister spoke about using your love languages.
I'm still learning the personalities on this site so I incorrectly attributed that challenge idea to you. Oops!
For example, I read the BMWK blog post from Tiya about the 30 things she learned about her marriage. She included some of them in her post. When I read that I thought, wow she is really wise & he's a very lucky man. I wonder if he knows how luck he is and if Tiya is sharing that list with him on the regular.
Afterwards, I started making a conscious effort to more frequently verbalize the things I notice and appreciate about the way Mr. Man demonstrates love for me. Sometimes in the moment, sometimes after the fact or just randomly whenever a thought comes to mind. The great thing is, these verbal acknowledgments of gratitude are always multiplying and I keep some favorites in heavy rotation. It literally changed my perspective on what Mr. Man brings to my life and how I feel about resolving our many (many) differences AND it made me want to do more to demonstrate my love for him.
Then the craziest thing happened. Out of the blue, Mr. Man began verbalizing the things he noticed and appreciated about me. Now Tara, two of my favorite quotes are Ghandi's "Be the Change You Want to See in the World" and the street wisdom "Don't Talk About It, Be About It". My profession is in growth & development and I preach leadership by example on the daily. That said, Tara, I promise you could not have scooped me off the floor the first time it happened!
Now Mr. Man & I are in this self generating cycle of mutually thanking each other for the little things and doing little things for each other. No discussion, no sessions, just actions. Mr Man has even noticed some things that I wasn't conscious that I was doing - I was just doing them. You have no idea how good that felt. We had a serious "difference of opinion" on Monday. In the midst of my anger, I was able to remind myself, then begin to remind him of the things we appreciated about each other. The atmosphere shifted and we were able to work out our differences together. Our many (many) differences are now being dwarfed by a multitude of gratitude!
So now that it occurs to me, let me take this moment to thank Tiya for sharing such a brilliant idea.
Here's my thing with the whole counseling issue...it's what Lamar said. For real.
Here's my thing with the whole communication issue...both Mr. Incredible and I are confident that every day, we learn something new about each other and the DNA of our marriage. We are teachable, and we find that sharing the hard lessons we've learned with others helps both us and them chip away at those huge elephants in the room that no one wants to talk about.
That's where the transparency comes from...we try to give other marriages the "cheat sheet" so they don't have to learn lessons the hard way like we have. LOL
i definitely don't intend to come across as condescending, but when i say i feel the frustration - it was like reading something i'd written years ago! lol i'm just throwing my experience out there, hoping that those (not just Tara) who are where i was will at least take notes. it took years of prayer, folks "prophesying" about what i needed to do, as well as intermittent "counseling" for me to learn to simply let him be. i had to learn a long hard way "how" to back up, because i was sooo scared that after it was all said and done, his silence meant that he was dissatisfied, when in actuality, it simply meant that he had nothing to say at the moment. when he had something to say, then i learned to really listen, not instantly evaluate what he said. i also had to learn that my dissatisfaction with his silence and my voicing it was actually causing more problems than solving them! often my over-analyzing the silence and pushing an imaginary negative connotation onto it caused more fear and panic about the possible failure of our marriage in my heart than was necessitated by reality. i'm proud of our progress and would luuuuv to see a similar breakthrough for Tara-nem as well. :D
I just want someone to help us get to that place of understanding you and your husband currently enjoy. I'm not sure I currently have the patience to get to that place "by myself." Do you think seeing a counselor would have been a waste of time for you two?
good luck & many blessings!
Our respective family’s don’t think highly of therapy/counseling either - a belief system that my husband shared, up until few years ago. Our paradigm shift came whilst at a dinner with several other couples, one of whom had the courage to share stories of their struggles and successes. And although we marveled at their candor and felt compelled to make some adjustments of our own. It wasn’t until just a couple of years later that we got our methods in synch. I adore my husband and his courage for being able to step outside of his norm and do something different… but that evolution didn’t happen overnight. Also, my husband and I just started reading Hill Harper’s new book, The Conversation, that appears to touch on some of the things addressed here. Good luck & god bless.