Marrying Later: Finding Ourselves or Finding Trouble?
by Aja Dorsey Jackson
I recently read one of the most interesting magazine articles that I’ve seen in a while in the April issue of Fitness magazine entitled “How not to be the Starter Wife”. It touched on a variety of issues affecting today’s 20-somethings and the many cultural trends that are leading 20 percent of marriages to fail within the first five years. One point that stood out to me in the article was that marrying later was a possible contributor to this trend.
While waiting to get married by itself was not problematic and may have helped to decrease the rate of quick divorces, a lot of what we are doing when prolonging that “finding ourselves” and “coming of age” period is making it harder once we do decide to settle down. The article cites things like living together before getting engaged, having children out of wedlock, and having numerous sexual partners as things that can be detrimental to a marriage and are happening in much larger numbers now that marriages are happening later and later.
As someone who got married at the pretty average age of 27, the information made me think about the best age to get married. Growing up, I always said that I wanted to get married later in life. I wanted to be old enough to have gotten all of my partying done, have some time to be independent, and have all my stuff together financially and career wise.
Even though I still ended up getting married in my twenties, I also made some of the same life choices that the article named as the main reasons that have couples headed to splitsville early or not getting married at all. Having a child and living with someone in my early twenties were things that I am certain almost had me on the divorce fast track.
I am pretty happy that I didn’t get married any earlier. I honestly do not believe that the much younger version of myself had the maturity to make a marriage work. At the same time, I’m glad that I didn’t wait any longer. True, I was not as together as I wanted to be when I got married, but I think if I kept waiting to have it all together I still wouldn’t be married now, and who knows what type of trouble I may have caused myself in the meantime. I guess at the end of the day I got married at the age that was right for me. I do not think that there is anything wrong in waiting to get married, but I do agree with the article that while waiting we should be more careful about the decisions we make along the way.
Did you get married earlier or later than average? Do you think there are pros and cons to either one?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
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Comments (25)
The most attractive thing about getting married so young was the idea of literally starting my life with him. We came into this together. I didn't already have a house, he didn't already have a house, we didn't have kids with other people, it was just us, from the beginning, through all the growing pains of our 20s and 30s and so on...
But it's difficult. I would never lie and say that it isn't. You have to be really, really mature and extremely patient to make marriage work in your early 20s. And if you have kids right away? Oh, Lawd! It's really hard work.
If I had gotten married in my late 20s or early 30s, I think I would have skipped a lot of the eomtional immaturity that led to a lot of our disagreements. But being married forced me to maturity a lot faster than if I had been single. So there are pros and cons to both. I'm glad I got married young, but it ain't for everybody... :)
Bottom Line: Having a plan with that other person probably matters most no matter what the age. Putting that plan before God to bless matters even more. That way as all the involved parties begin to go through their growing pains they can do so but hopefully have their plans and an open line of communication to keep them somewhat on target and together. That's my 2 cents.
Well said!
Oftentime, people in their 20's have selfish intentions, which is sometimes normal
because that period is for self-discovery. Most 20 somethings are making academic and career decisions and are moving from coast to coast for opportunities ( this is normal). When you get married it is not about you and what you want. Its about your family and what works best for you all. It's odd when self-centered people desire marriage. Self-centered people come in all ages, and many are married (YIKES). This is not about age, it about peoples approach and understanding of the institution.I just dont think the I's and Me's work well in marriages.
I am 28 and feel that I just arrived at the point of wanting to learn about marriage ( I am slowly moving from the what I need... and what I want phase. lol). Boy, am I learning a lot. No age category determines ones' willingness to submit to the institution of marriage. It is simply about the desire to learn and submit ( something most just don't want to do).
Great read! Thanks
Of course, this is not set in stone. Different people have different circumstances and experiences. Now in my mid thirties I am glad to have seen my wife mature before my eyes. The great thing about the maturity she has today is I can see my imprint. Her imprint is DEFINITELY on any maturity I have gained over the last several years. That mutual impact on one another's growth provides a very strong bond that is not easily broken.
My daughters father married for the first time this year (he's 36) and 2 weeks later, looking for an annulment. I believe it may have been due to the idea of marriage instead of the reality of the work involved. Not to mention the years of being a huge player that affected his attitude. Of course he claimed she changed. My response was a person cannot change within 2 weeks. Those factors were already there but maybe never examined due to the "I wanna be married" fever.
I think that there are pros and cons of marrying later. One pro being you get to know yourself (or at least you should if you MATURE with time) One con is you start to get set in your ways and sometimes are less willing to accept or compromise on many issues.
anywhoot I am 27, and I think it would have been nice to marry younger but I also thing Im at a good age. I have learned a lot due to waiting and while I think Im ready I am sure there will still be challenges in a relationship until I die.
People forget we are always evolving no matter what age. When it comes to marriage you just need to decide together that you are going to deal with the changes together. I am not the same now as I was at 21 and I doubt I will be the same as I am now at 57, can't keep divorcing just because we grow older and life shapes us for the good or bad. For me divorce will not be an option. However I do not want to be married just because my clock is ticking, I will wait until I am 100 if I have to in order to meet the man who shares my same values. Otherwise its not worth it.
great article!
In all honesty and seriousness I will say that she was lead to believe things that weren't necessarily true and other things that were NOT divulged that should have been. When I think of this situation, who is to blame? The person who went in trusting and not running background checks or the culprit who falsified and omitted information in his application??
I do agree with you completely when you say "People forget we are always evolving no matter what age". I'm currently watching several of my married friends who married young and so in love but over time one has felt they have "outgrown" the other. A few are on the brink of divorce and some are holding true to their vows no matter the challenges they face. I am in total agreeance with your statement "you can't keep divorcing just because we grow older and life shapes us for the good or bad".