You Can’t Do What You’ve Always Done

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 1st, 2010 | 8 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

When my husband and I were going through what we currently call The Fight of 2010 a few weeks ago, I was faced with a choice.

I could react the same way I always react when I feel I’ve been wronged: defensive and closed. Or, I could force myself to grow and deal with the issue from a “we’re in this together” standpoint, even though I felt in my heart that I was right.

So I chose to change. And grit my teeth and fight my natural urge to, well, fight. Even my husband noticed the difference. The Fight of 2010 lasted days, not weeks as previous disagreements of that magnitiude might have.

The dust has long settled, but I see myself in a different light now. I want this marriage to work, which means I can’t always fall into the same behavior pattern.

Change is hard, but growth is harder.

Tell me, BMWK – how do you make sure you don’t always fall into the same routine when it comes to disagreements?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (8)

mochazina Thursday - 01 / 07 / 2010 Reply

OMG!!! Amen, sister! Sometimes it's hard to simply be silent and react differently, but it's SOOOO worth it in the long run when you can both see the change in how you react to each other! :D

Good job, keep it up & be blessed!
MzDThatsMe Thursday - 01 / 07 / 2010 Reply

"Growth is harder" - that goes under the list of "truer words have not been spoken"... I am a 'work in progress' in that area. I was challenged in this area on Tuesday and I willed myself against SNAPPING OUT and within a couple of hours the situation turned around. My sweet-tea recognized and acknowledged and talked and it's over. Wednesday morning I felt so refreshed and it hit me - had I fallen into my old ways the air would have been thick and tense for daaaaaaaaays...
Belindan63 Thursday - 01 / 07 / 2010 Reply

I can so relate to this topic. I feel (my husband may feel differently), for the most part I try to do something different in order to make our marriage work. As you stated change is hard, but growth is harder. However how can you have change without growth? I never wanted friendships or relationships that do not challenge me to grow and change. I never want to get to a point I feel there is no room for growth in my life. I really understand now the difference in how my husband and I were raised has a direct impact on how we communicate in our marriage. With that being said, I grew up with both my parents still together working through problems no matter what it took. My husband however didn't grow up seeing that occur with his parents. Although his parents did not stay together how they worked/didn't work out their problems have a direct affect on how my husband interacts with me. We both are dedicated to making our marriage work. However there are times I am challenge beyond what I feel I can take in the way my husband operates in our marriage, as I’m sure he is challenged as well. Years ago a Pastor asked both my husband and I this question “Do you believe God intended for you both to be married to each other?” we both answered without hesitation “yes.” The pastors response was this “if you believe God intended for you to be married, then you must know whatever issues you both have God has equip the other one to deal with them to bring healing.” That question and response had such an impact on how dedicated I am to my marriage. Then and only then did the light bulb go off in my brain, marriage is a ministry. Everything that my husband and I didn’t receive when he was growing up God has enabled us to minister to that missing part in each other’s lives. So, all I know is this I love him and I’m committed to trying everything in my power to make this marriage work.
Tara Pringle Jefferson Thursday - 01 / 07 / 2010 Reply

@mochazina - It is difficult at times but you really do notice the difference!

@MzDThatsMe - I wanted to wring his neck. Honestly, I felt my blood boiling. Not good. But if I had just gone OFF and yelled (like I really, really wanted to do), I'm pretty sure he would have shut down and we never would have gotten the issue resolved. It took me a couple of days to really stick with it though. But I'm so glad I did.

@Belindan63 - I feel you, girl. I told my husband that I didn't want to be the same wife in year 3 of our marriage that I was in year 1. I want to keep growing. I think some people change without knowing the purpose behind it. If you don't know why you're doing something, that's not growth. So glad BMWK is here to help us growth and build stronger, healthier marriages. :)
fran Friday - 02 / 07 / 2010 Reply

i just keep my mouth shut a whole lot more and just give out the silent treatment if i know he is wrong. used to would argue him down and so it would go on for days. now i just wait and when he thinks its over i will present it again.
Staycee2 Tuesday - 06 / 07 / 2010 Reply

FRAN!!! I shadowed you on this one...Over the weekend I did the same and HE noticed it...He said you just shut down and gave me the silent treatment...Later on he came back and apologized and I said that's all you had to say in the first place and he admitted that I was right. It's not that I wanted to recognized for being right, but do know two people screaming at each other isn't making matters any better. So MY new thing is to take the high road and let him digest it before I decide to react!!! I know I am a work in progress EVERYDAY!!!!!
Sterlingrose Friday - 09 / 07 / 2010 Reply

We forget that each is still growing and maturing as the marriage develops. So many of my frinds get caught up in the little stuff, and blows it up into resentments that spew like a never-ending volcano or catastrophe. Why is it so important to be RIGHT all of the time? When I allow myself to consider my mate first, that's loving for me, especially when the moment of disagreement or whatever it is that I can't even remember that made me mad has long passed. I, too, am committed to my marriage and my husband. Read chapter 2 and more of Tom Burrell's new book to find where this unproductive & divisive behavior comes from. My toddlers shut-down and trantrum, we as parents must move out of the juvenile in order to teach healthier ways to resolve conflict. Commit to growing up...and being more loving. I'm moving towards longevity.
Soulchild04 Monday - 19 / 07 / 2010 Reply

I just wish more sisters/women/my wife would recognize this lesson and grow from it. Thank you for this article. Be blessed.