Are You a Complainer?

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

One thing I love about writing for BMWK is that at least once a week, I am forced to evaluate my views on marriage and from there, determine what I think would be an appropriate topic on the subject. I’m always learning something new about the institution of marriage, and in turn, I think that makes my marriage stronger.

I was browsing and found the SimpleMarriage.net website, where its tagline is “Creating a better marriage by keeping things simple.” Who couldn’t get with that? We all crave simplicity in some aspects of our lives.

There was an article that caught my eye, “Complaining’s Place in Marriage,” which detailed the difference between complaining (usually about a specific situation) and criticism (often includes generalizations and judgment). I always thought both complaining and criticising were detrimental to a marriage, but this article showed how one can be more hurtful than the other.

From the article:

Criticism:

• Attacks partner’s character or personality
• Is judgmental, often expressed with “shoulds”
• Implies betrayal – “I should have known not to count on you”
• Expressed in global terms – always, never, only

Complaining:

• Is aimed at a specific behavior and is situationally specific
• Can be stated without blame
• No more why, you, never, always, only

For example, I like to go to bed with an empty sink. I’ve asked my husband numerous times if he could load the dishwasher before he heads to bed. Whenever I make the request, he does it for the next few nights, but then a week goes by and I find myself loading the dishwasher at midnight.

If I wanted to criticize, I might say, “How many times do I have to ask you to load this dishwasher? I’m always having it to do it, even though I asked you to help me out. You never come through for me…”

If I wanted to make a complaint, I might say, “Honey, it’s important to me to have a clean kitchen to start my day. It also saves time in the morning when everyone’s running around and we’re too busy to get to the dishes then. If you could load the dishwasher before you go to bed, I’d appreciate it so much. Thank you.”

In another article, it is noted that complaints morph into criticisms when they are ignored one too many times. I know I’ve been there in my own marriage, but I’m working on keeping the calm and keeping the level of respect high, even when I’m faced with a sink of dirty dishes.

How about you, BMWK family? Are you a complainer? Do you ever (or have you ever) criticize your partner? How can you work to make your requests kinder and more loving?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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