If Only They Could Stay Little

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on August 3rd, 2010 | 12 comments

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

I feel like I closed my eyes for a second and all of a sudden my baby girl is a 10-year-old, headed for 5th grade, with only one year left before she crosses over into middle school. Not only does this realization make me feel old ( Me, with a middle schooler? I feel like I was just in Middle School!) but it makes me want to hold on tighter to the little time that I have left before my big kid becomes an adolescent. Every time she pulls out her doll house, or wants to talk to me about something she learned in Science class the moment feels bittersweet because I know that the time is fast approaching when playing with dolls and talking to her mother about school will be the last thing on her mind.

Knowing what little time that we have with our children while they are really just children, why does it seem like so often society is in such a rush to grow them up? My daughter has been very sheltered which is something that I have done on purpose. I have always felt like she has the rest of her life to find out about all of the craziness in the world around her so while she still has that natural, childhood innocence I want to let her hold onto it as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder though, whether my efforts will work against me because I have to release her into a world where parents pride themselves on doing just the opposite.

It just seems like not only are kids exposed to so much more through cell phones, cable, internet etc., sometimes it seems like parents themselves are exposing children to too much too soon. I have on numerous occasions heard parents talk loudly about their sex lives, alcohol and drug use, and other conversations along those lines in front of young children. At one point I asked a friend why she always brought those types of things up in front of her son and she told me that she didn’t want to hide things from him. She said that he was going to learn about everything from somewhere so she would rather have him hear about it from her.

I am a strong believer in talking to children and keeping the lines of communication open. But I think there is a difference between talking to your kids about sex and talking to your friends about your own sexual escapades while your kids are in the room. Warning your kids about drugs and alcohol and then talking in front of them about how you got drunk and fell down the stairs the other night just seems counterproductive. I know that you cannot and should not hide everything from your children forever, but childhood lasts such a short time and once it’s over you’re a grown up for the rest of your life. I want to let my children hold on to their childhood until it is truly time to become an adult.

Can you shelter young children too much? Should certain things be kept out of their eyes and ears or is it important for them to learn all about life early on?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

CieCie

Another great post Aja! You made me wish my babies were still babies!

I feel my mother sheltered me and I was left unprepared for the real world and a lot of the ugliness that is lurking out there. I've never done drugs and I can't say I was promiscuous but I was very naive and used as a footrest a lot. For that reason I try to show my children all there is out there when I feel they can grasp it. No, I don't feel you should blast all your personal nor your friends/family sexcapades to or in front of your children. What I have and will continue to do in regards to sex is give them as much information possible without being downright explicit. An example I'll give is when my oldest daughter was in middle school, (after the Nightmare on Puberty Street video the school reviewed), I went a step further in explaining the dangers of unprotected sex. I've told all my girls to wait until marriage BUT in the event that you choose not to, here are reasons to always protect yourself. I was a teenage mom and I remember then I never worried about an STD because “IT COULDN'T HAPPEN TO ME” and “HE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME” and “HE LOOKS CLEAN”. The worst that could happen was I'd get pregnant! And of course being the intelligent teenager I was, that could never happen either (shuddup)! I bought a poster board, went the the Department of Health, got research from them and the internet, statistics, and pictures of all the STD's out there. I attached them to the poster board and went down the list with her. Then on the flip side I gave all the options for contraception. My second daughter has had this discussion as well. I only hope and pray they can remember the lesson. Truly i feel the scariest thing out there is the children (8 and up) running around having sex because they feel it makes them grown/and or they've seen mommy/daddy do it so it must be okay. Not even thinking about the consequences.

Another hard lesson I'm trying in vain to teach is the value of education, credit and the power of saving. My father took my girls out to a place in our hometown called “tent city”. It is where the homeless lives near the underpass of the freeway. His point was to show them how easily it is to get there and explain these people were once teenagers with bright futures as well. In his way he felt that would motivate them to achieve their greatest potential. He took me there as a child and said “you know I'm only 1 paycheck away from where they are. Try to save. Prepare for war in time of peace.”

Children do need stay children as long as possible and the sad truth is the social environment does attempt to steal some of that time away. My bottom line is sometimes you have to intervene and arm them with the hard truth so they are aware of the dangers lurking.

Spenseravery

GREAT post.

Sha

I agree with Cie Cie

I have a 15yr old was single mother and sheltering was not going to happen . We live in the inner city so he is able to see first hand the ills and short comings of our race. I do believe there is a time and place to teach most lessons and they need to be age appropirate. Talking about your personal sex life should always be off limits, but it should not be a big secret. Clearly we had to sex to have our children. We as parents must decide who would we rather our children learn things from, their friends , tv, radio or us? I sleep much better knowing that i'm the one giving my son the correct information which allows him to make informed decisions about sex, money,drugs, his education, friends and any other situations that may arise!! We also need to remeber its not always what we see but what we do…ie spending quality time with our children. Cherish the moments because yes they grow up, fast!!!
cecile

Parents, for better or worse, are their children's first teachers. We create what is normalized for them. I think we should normalize self-discipline, restraint, character, compassion, ethics, and the consideration of long and short term gains and losses.

My daughter is now 17 and I still remember when she was just a week old and telling her what a privilege it was to have such a lovely, healthy baby. My husband and I have been somewhat protective, from sending her to small private schools to montioring what she did on the internet in her early teens.

She strikes me as a wise old soul in some ways and naive in others. Life has given her some knocks here and there, and she seems to have learned from them. She has not had to deal with the skankiness, thugery, and sex-focused behaviors of her contemporaries on a day to day basis, but she has had to deal with conflict, making stupid choices and paying the consequences of poor choices.

We have also spent a lot of time talking with her about these things.

I personally miss her younger years, and at the same time enjoy seeing this young woman in front of me who has her flaws, mind you, but who has benefitted from the strong values we have as parents for how to conduct oneself in the real world. We are not done, of course, we have one more year with her full time before she goes off to college, but I think because we orchestrated her world, to some extent, so that she could learn critical thinking skills and the ability to self reflect as well as have a good time, we have a lovely, elegant and emotionally intelligent daughter.
http://twitter.com/Im_Tweet B Henny

I also agree with Cie Cie! When my 5 year old first born came home and told me about all that he learned in school in regards to sex(which was well beyond the; these are our personal areas and no one should touch you here or there) in just a week's time. I decided I needed to get on the ball. I have always discussed openly and honestly questions that my children have about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, finances you name it, we talk about it. Why? Because as far as they are concerned the information I have is the best information and if I have never heard of it, we can research it. It is far better for children to hear first hand from their parents the how's and why's, than from classmates that are about as knowledgeable as they are. In all honesty, I recognized a deficiency in my rearing that I would not allow to interfere with the infinite possibilities my children would have for successful lives. The fact that my mother was raised being told nothing and she in turn raised me telling me nothing; it just didn't work! I always tell my friends if someone had just asked me what does achieving this entail or how you go about accomplishing that. Don’t get me wrong my mother did an awesome job with what she knew. We always knew college was on the horizon and that she wanted us to be good God fearing people. But in knowing those things there were quite a few things missed in between. My life could have taken a totally different path if I had a bit more information that I didn’t have to find or figure out along the way.

I agree, yes we do want our children to remain innocent for as long as possible, but in the society we live in they are bound to be exposed to things we don’t want them to. In my role as a mother, I must ensure that my children have all of the tools and information to make the most informed and hopefully right decision (If my children walk out of the door everyday and see bombs dropping, I can either chose to ignore the fact they are dropping or do something to prepare them for the next time one does drop). I have to applaud all parents parenting in the millenium! We have a very difficult task at hand. We MUST place God and family first in preparation for our children to exist in a world filled with chaos, confusion and temptation.

Let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back, but let us keep moving and let's continue to fight the good fight!
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

Great post Aja
Tahlitha

I have two boys, 2 and 9 years old. And sheltering them is both a blessing and a curse. We all want the best for our children as parents and telling them and showing them the 'real world' is a big responsibility. Sheltering children, in my opinion, is allowing them to see the world as children should see it, a big wonderful place. But also with age comes peeling away layers that allows them to grow maturely, not rushed, not thinking that they have to experience everything by the age of 14.

I chose to tell my oldest boy, at of the age of 3, about the correct names for both male and female anatomy and not give them cute names for the simplest reason… he was going to preschool. I wanted to instill in him early on about respecting his and classmates bodies. I wanted him to learn, have lots of fun, enjoy being 3, and to also have respect. And even now, at 9, when he hears other young boys talking about girls in a not so flattering light he knows how girls should be talked about and treated.

I give both my boys room to grow, but not like weeds. Water them, give them what they need as children and (hopefully) they'll learn the 'real world' is what you make it, even when it's not so pretty. God bless us all in our endeavors as parents.

Great article Aja!
S. Bush

Not allowing them to be in the room whem u talk about your grown up life is not sheltering, that's just good parenting. That's drawing the line between u being the adult and them being the children. My oldest nieces are 19 and 21 and we still make them leave the room when we have growm up conversation. Not that they are not having grown up situations of their own, that just send a message that they are not or will never be on the same level as us. Its okay to talk to your kids or expse them to everything =just at the right time. I don't agree with the activity being done in their prescence, but if that is how u are living your life then it should not be a secret either. If thats what mommy and daddy does openly then they need to explain what is being seen so the kids can know how to deal with it. Drugs, alcohol, sex, and sexual preference is going to be presented to them and there is nothing we can do about it. Expose them first, equip them with the correct knowledge, and pray they listened.
Spenseravery

I had ASSumed that my Wife and I had 'sheltered' my daughter and extolled all the virtues that I wanted her to have. I was solely proven wrong. From fussing with guidance councilors (she can do the honors work, You'll see) to pleading with the college Dean (please give her a chance to get it together) I may have sheltered her TOO MUCH.

My daughter is 22yrs old now & I am just starting to see that I may have raised 'Daddies Little Girl' to be far to dependent on Daddy coming in to save the day (her A**). My wife and I while not quite teen parents have always tried to give our kids better and many more opportunities than what we had. It looks like we should have given them some of the struggle that we had also.

Yes! Enjoy them while their young. But prepare them for future realities. While my heart goes out to Mr. Fishburn whom I can't even imagine how he is living every Father's (& Mother's) nightmare. I'm sure that if not the 1st question we asked ourselves it was the 2nd. Where did he go wrong? While my child has not gone to such an extreme, I to have found myself looking in the mirror trying to figure out where I may have made a misstep?
http://www.newrevelationministry.com FirstladyShonda

Wow, this is an awesome post. I personally feel like kids should be sheltered from certain things. But, they should also be talked too. If that makes sense. Because you can speak to your kids about sex, but you do not have to show them a video or give them permission. Certain things are educational, and some things are for grown folks only. My sister has a friend and her girls have act like grown women. They are in the middle of adult conversation, dress like adults at 10 and 11 years of age, and to me that is just inappropriate. It seems like parenting skills have went out the window and these people are just being friends with their kids. But, I'm believe in old school parenting. lol So, my kids have to leave the room and they do thing appropriate to their age. They are taught to be leaders and not followers. No cussing, head rolling, or lying in my house. I use the Word of God as much as possible to help me. So far, it is working, but they are still very young. lol
Tiya

Aja, I agree. I feel like the time is going by too quickly. My oldest is starting 8th grade and it is just blowing my mind. But we too keep her sheltered. In fact she often complains about all the things her friends can do that she can't. Like all the movies they can watch that she can't see. I just want her to be a little girl, I think those things make them grow up too fast. I want her to be a sweet, innocent 13 year old. Great post!
TheMrs

This is a great post!!! I too was a sheltered child/teen and I understand completely why my parents did it but it has hurt me and my brothers in the long run. I am their only daughter and they watched me like a hawk, when I was around 12/13 I was interested in boys and sheltered even more. My brothers are 3 yrs older and 3 yrs younger than I, my older brother was allowed to go to the local shopping/clubbing/partying strip at 13 while I didn't go for the first time until I was 16. My younger brother was allowed to come and go as he pleased at around 12/13, felt that he was ok because his bestfriends were our cousins that we were raised with. As an adult I talked to my mother about this, I basically asked her why I never got a sex talk, why my period talk came when I woke up to my period, etc. her response “You were fast” wow!!! (I didn't know 12 for period and 15 for sex was fast but ok)
Now that I am raising my own children(my husband and I met when I was about to turn 14 and we've been together for 18 yrs now) I have vowed to do things differently. While I know for sure that I shelter them I also talk to them about life on their level. When learning to identify body parts I use the real names(oldest daughter told the day care about her new twin siblings when she was 2 that one had a tail and the other was eatting mommy's nipple and explained that it wasn't a tail but a penis and she was saying it the polite way…lol). My husband and I both have tried to leave the lines of communication open with our children, allowing them to ask questions and answer honestly. They should be able to come to us about their sex, body, drug, alcohol, abuse, etc. questions and know that we are not going to scold them for being “fresh” but answer them with honesty.
BTW: When I was going through my early teen years my parents thought I was crazy so they put me in counseling because I was “rebelling” but the counselor said I was a typical teen and I was overall on the right track and to give me some room to grow, my decisions were sound and I had a real plan for life…all the while both of my brothers were experimenting with drugs, selling drugs, alcohol use, etc. and they never went to those extremese with them. I tell them that they put the wrong kid in counseling…lol

If Only They Could Stay Little

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