Son, Stand When A Lady Enters The Room (Being A Gentleman)

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on August 12th, 2010 | 20 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

One of the things that attracted me to my husband was that he was unlike any other guy I’d ever known: He was a gentleman.

He would hold the door open for me. He would hold my umbrella when it rained. When we went out to dinner, he would snatch the check and wouldn’t let me see how much the total was because “women shouldn’t have to think about things like that.”

Swoon. Do you see why I married him?

Now we have a son. And if I have my way, my son will grow up and be just like his daddy. (An improved, 2.0 model but still.)

I want him to understand that girls go first when they both reach a door. I want him to send his girlfriend flowers to cheer her up. I want him to learn how to listen. I want him to be kind, caring. Bottom line, I want my daughter-in-law to squeeze me tight on their wedding day and say, “Thank you for my husband. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

(Yes, I realize my son is 2 and I’m already fantasizing about his wedding but Lord, help me, if my daughter-in-law doesn’t say that or something close to it, my spirit will be crushed. LOL)

Guys today (living through my girlfriends’ stories) are so laidback. Texting instead of calling, honking the horn from the curb instead of coming to the door, never ever offering to pay for dinner, etc. Just not acceptable.

But the killer part is, a lot of them don’t even know when a guy is being rude or exhibiting less than gentlemanly behavior. That, to me, might be the most serious issue. We have to do a better job at educating people about what a gentleman looks like and how to respond in kind. I, for one, will be doing my part.

How important is it for your son to be viewed as a “gentleman”? How important is it for your daughter to be able to recognize one when she sees them?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Janice Nyabongo

I thanked God and my mother-in-law for the gentleman I married. I was blessed to be able to recognize him as such when he finally came along. If I had met my husband any earlier in my life, I would not have appreciated him. I plan to raise my son to be the kind of man his father is. I owe it to my future daughter-in-law to give her no less that I received in a husband. And if God blesses us with a daughter, I want her to know what a gentleman looks like. She should expect that her husband will treat her the way her father treats her mother.
Alonzo

Tara,

This is so true.

It amazes me at how often I see young men on the subway refuse to give up their seats to pregnant women or the elderly. I would've been slapped upside my head if my parents ever caught me doing that.

So many of our young men have no “home training”. Sad , it's so rare for young men to be gentlemen nowadays that many women don't even realize that's what they should expect.
Dee Dee

Great article! It's so sad to see so many young men that are not gentlemen. My son has a severe form of Autism, but I do not let that hinder manners. We work on manners and respect everyday.
CieCie

I wanted a son so I could instill in him those gentleman qualities. God had other plans. So instead I've taught my daughters what qualities to look for in a young man. I've let them know under no uncertain terms will I allow them to walk outside to meet some fool honking his horn in the driveway. And should he get in the car and unlock the door from the inside she may as well turn around and walk back into the house. MAMA WILL BE WATCHING. This being said my oldest has had to educate these young men on the etiquette of picking up a lady.

Sad to say but at 36 I was forced to show them how to kindly turn away from the car door and walk back inside the house when someone with less than gracious manners hits the remote to unlock the door, hops into his vehicle and reaches over to grab his cell phone. OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! lol
Mrs Smiley Face

I agree with you but I also think that it behooves fathers to teach their daughters to expect gentlemanly behavior. I had a date in high school beep his horn instead of coming and knocking on the door to collect me for our date. I let him sit out there for a good 10-15 minutes before he came and knocked on the door where I then proceeded to introduced him to my parents (and my mama's side eye, lol). When we got in the car he was a little confused and asked me what “all of that was about.” All I could say was that my daddy taught me that as long as I'm a lady, I'm am to expect a gentleman.
Reefinyateef

I agree with the majority of the post but the “women shouldn't have to think like that” remark seems kind of weird. But then again I'm a firm believer of women and men both picking up tabs, even if the guy offers first

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Jefferson

@Reefinyateef – He meant that I didn't need to worry about anything, that he had it under control. We were in college then (he was in grad school, I was in undergrad) so we weren't making a lot of money. At the end of dinner out, sometimes I would look at the tab like, “Man, maybe I shouldn't have gotten an appetizer…” But he didn't want me to think like that. He wanted me to know that he could take care of me, even if it was only a $50 restaurant bill.

Reefinyateef

Tara thanks for adding the perspective. Definitely makes more sense given the broke college student atmosphere Sounds like you have a great man.

Admit

SaundraB

It's refreshing to see parents taking a interest in their children's lives and really teaching them how to be young men and women. It's funny I was surfing the net and came across a clip with comedian Earthquake talking about his issues with raising his son. In it he touched on an issue and suggested that athletes and other people in the public eye are raising our children. I think you guys would enjoy it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WMZYCC05mM
http://twitter.com/MrsDayCOM Erica Day

It is VERY important to me that my son be a gentleman. I'm glad that he has that trait in him already, and I nurture it and teach him further. What he does at 10 years old may not be what he does at 20.
emarie

This is so important! I am dating a gentleman and I feel so safe and cherished with him. I hope, if God sees fit for us to be married and have children, that our children can look at us as an example of how men and women should treat each other.
http://www.imageandcolor.com/ DIVAStyleCoach

I thank GOD for my husband and my mother, because they, along with myself, instilled the 'gentlemanly way' in my son who is now married and raising a son of his own. My mother (RIP Mama Katherine) instilled the manners, my husband reinforced them with not only words, but DEEDS. I also thank my Mother-in-Law (RIP Mama Evelyn) for raising a gentleman. It is never too soon to teach these values – by explicit instruction AND by example – and to ensure that our daughters MERIT this kind of treatment. My mother told me years ago that my Uncle (a good-looking man) used to get 'clean' and dressed up to visit a certain girl, because she would not accept him any other way, but that he'd also go to visit girls who did not demand that respect, and THOSE were the ones he did NOT bring home to meet the family. Men must be taught to give the respect, women to be worthy of it…
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4I55ERQUEYYOZLFHPMZ53VZP3E Tiffany

I love this article. This is so important to me. First, because I was never taught what a gentleman was suppose to be, therefore I married a man and was married 8 yrs that had little to no gentleman qualities. Now I am with somesome that has more than enough gentleman qualities and I want my 6 yr old son to grow up and have those same qualities. I guess I'll have to be the one to teach them to him and I want my daughter to be able to see those qualities in a man as well.
http://www.newrevelationministry.com FirstladyShonda

I love, love this article. My hubby is a pure gentlemen and he has by boys in training. He tells them everyday, that they have to take care of me when he is gone to work and make sure to open the door for me if we go to the store. He teaches them to pack in the groceries and all. They always make me gifts and say, I look beautiful. Especially, if I go to the hairdresser. Kids pick things up from their parents. Boys tend to want to be like their fathers, so it is always good to pick a good guy to father your children. I know God has truly blessed me!!
Jane in Australia

I set out to raise a gentleman. I succeded. Sometimes when he ojected to the lesson at hand I would say listen son one day you will have a girlfriend that you will want to become your wife; I want her to love me so just learnt it! When he was courting his wife if she got out of the car before he could get round to open the door he would make her get back in and shut the door on her for a minute for her to think about what she was doing. He never ever used bad language (he says why would I need to?), never smoked or had a drink. He is thoughtful and compassionate. He is now the father of 2 girls & a new baby son. So It can be done.
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Bryan

Good article. Now I'm waiting for the flip side where we emphasize to young girls what it means to be a lady in society and what a proper lady does for her man. I say that because in the blogosphere, I read frequent articles about the lack of gentlemanly behavior among our young men. I don't think those articles are wrong. However, I read less about how young girls should act and I think that is an important part of the equation.

Also, just a note that in today's society you want to be careful whenever you bring money into the definition of what being a gentleman means. We know that more couples are in relationships where women make more than the men. Should picking up the check every time really be part of the definition of gentlemanly behavior?
TheMrs

Funny that I read this article when it first hit and I just now thought of when my youngest daughter was 4 and in school. One of her classmates was the secretary's grandson who is being raised as a gentleman, my daughter knocked over her lunch bag and didn't notice it and he went to grab it and my poor daughter verbally attacked him letting him know that she could do it herself…lol. Well 4 yrs later she knows to let a male hold the door, take out the trash, etc. but she knows that she is completely capable of doing it all herself. On the flipside, I know a single mom who her and her sisters are all teaching their son's to do all the heavy lifting, shopping(gotta carry the bags), etc. and they are neglected teaching their daughters how to do anything. What happens if these girls are also single, will they not be able to do anything without a man?
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=680477914 Leslie S Dunn

I love this article. I am raising my son to do this. I get so many compliments on his manners and how he treats young ladies. He always holds the door, helps them pick things up when they drop them, let’s them go first, removes his hat when he comes in the house, etc. Some things are taking a little longer to stick but he is getting it. It makes me feel good to know I am raising a gentleman and I hope the girl that he meets realizes what a treasure she has.