The Hunted: “Married Men”

Relationships

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter | on August 18th, 2010 | 61 comments

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

When one goes hunting, it is planned and there is certain artillery needed. How you will get there is all mapped out as well as what will be hunted. And there is a purpose for the hunt. Currently, there are women who actively pursue married men. These women are using lust and seduction as their artillery and are definitely on the hunt for married men. Some of these women are mapping out their moves by portraying this “grass is greener on the other side” scenario. Making it appear that things will always be easier and happier being involved with them. Now I have concluded that the purpose of the hunt may include any (and all of the following):

It must be flattering to think another woman’s man is interested in you.
The benefits for some women in dating a married man is that the relationship may be more exciting, because they don’t see each other often enough and the time spent must be special.
The married man comes across as a really great guy, he’s taking care of a household, and he is a provider who loves and take care of his children. Married men are the cream of the crop.
The other woman is being told just what she wants to hear.
The other woman may be able to take him as her own.
They are hurting another woman (some women are very competitive so it pleases them to be in a position where they feel successful, even if it is taking someone’s husband).

But here is where the hunter loses:

The married man is still going home to someone else and building something special with his wife (family, home, future)
Those benefits will also turn into negatives. There isn’t as much time, and there is a certain purpose for this relationship that normally isn’t healthy (sex, money etc.)
The really great guy he appears to be is a façade if he is cheating with another woman. How good of a guy is someone who doesn’t value their commitments and family?
The other woman has cheated herself; she’s absolutely settling for less because she could and should have more; a man who is just for her.
Yet another woman may come along and get him just like she did.
Another woman and in most cases children are being permanently impacted.

In order to save the hunted, more of us (including the hunted) have to be passionate about the cause. Collectively, we have to encourage the hunted to stay focused on strengthening their marriages. Most importantly we must stress to those we know who are involved with married men the seriousness and destruction of their actions.

BMWK, what do you think it takes to save the “hunted”?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

Reefinyateef

Save the “hunted” married men? I don't quite get the question. If a guy has a mentality to cheat he'll ceat whether he's being hunted or not. I don't think a thirsty chick and get a guy who's really about his marriage to turn to the dark side of the force.

Tiya

Absolutely. I'm speaking more for the husband who is commited and still being hunted.

Reefinyateef

Tiya, thanks for the reply. As a married man I don't need to be saved when I have all I need in my wife and my marriage. The hunters need the saving, since they're clearly confused.

I think it's just the 'save' word that got me up in arms. Guess I'm just a stickler for that, ha.
Theother Com

I realize there are those who hunt. But, the reality is that many women don't realize they are with someone married until later. It's devastating to find out and in no way easy to walk away from – evem as you were the one who said ” I would NEVER do that.” What's interesting is the reason a woman typically doesn't find out right away is because she's actually trying to be courted the right way. She doesn't have sex on the first date. She send him home at night. They go out several times, introduces him to family and friends – you get the feedback and believe it or not even go to church! After what can some times take months or close to a year of his stalking process – you open up and let someone in. When your heart is all there, you find something suspicious and we know how it goes from there – he turns out to be married. STOP DOGGING THE SINGLE WOMEN AND LET THE MAN TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY. We are villified and blame ourselves enough for being stupid – yes wives we beat our selves up for missing the clue, we hate ourselves and in the end we know he goes home. SO STOP AND GO AFTER THE ROOT CAUSE – THE MEN!

Kendramlee77

When you meet a man and you can't go to his home and have a glass of tea while you wait to go out on a date and he always has to meet you some where your eyebrows should be raised until your curiosity has been satisfied cause a married man will always have signals of being married like a ring or a ring around his finger were the ring is supposed to be and if he always has to answer his telephone outside or away from you or just doesn't answer any calls come sista you already know what it is.

TheMrs

I agree with you Kendra!!! There tend to be signs that a man is married (i.e. only going out to lunch never out to dinner, not being able to call his home, only having a work email, etc.) and you should be able to put the pieces together. Now I know that some people are able to “hide” their families but as you are getting to know someone, these inconsistencies should be more than apparent.

Carlacat925

Well first of all you were wearing painted glassed, because he surely didn’t want or couldn’t spend the night anyway from the start, then you couldn’t go to his house from the start, then you didn’t meet any of his family from the start, so you were fooling yourself when you want to say you didn’t find out until later that he was married, but you found out quicker than you say, but, you still went with it, and yes he do have to take SOME responsibility as well, but women who actively know and come on you knew when someone do the same exact thing to you when you GET married please don’t be hurt or upset because your time will come.
http://www.facebook.com/lalaland526 Laneisha Yabuddyneenee Walker

This article is specifically speaking of women who actively and knowingly pursue married men. The women, who do exist and who do disrespect the relationships of other selfishly pursuing men who are with someone else. This article is talking about women who lie in wait watching for signs of weakness in a man so they can pounce on him. In this situation the man is not blameless; he was weak-willed and gave in to temptation and who knows whatever else he was thinking. But the point here is that there are women who do this purposely, strictly for the thrill and destroy marriages and fsmilies. This is not about the married men who trick women into thinking they’re single. This is about the women who trick married men into thinking they want to be single. When it’s the other way around I’m sure there will be plenty people here man bashing, but on this one we’re not looking at the man’s part, we’re looking at the woman.

geevee

Sometimes the hunted doesn't know they are being hunted. Sometimes it's a friendly co-worker that lends a ear when needed. Anyone can be susceptible to cunning hunters.
St Williams

I totally agree with Reefinyateef. A man (or woman) always has a choice. If he is commited to a “relationship”, nothing can sway him from that. If he is willing to cheat, then can he really be called a “good provider”, can you really say that he “loves” his children; and is he really going home to “build something special wife”??? Love isn't selfish, and cheating on your wife and children is a very “selfish” act.

http://www.mochadad.com mochadad

Tiya,
Your question makes it seem as if men who cheat on their wives are helpless victims. It's as if they are poor defenseless guy who couldn't possible resist the advances of a “hunter.” While it is wrong for women to actively seek married men for relationships, they couldn't achieve their goal with willing male participants.
PLJ

I think the main thing is keeping the lines of communication open in the marriage. It doesn't hurt to check in with each other frequently to make sure both people are on the same page, and certain needs (not always sexual) are being met. Even if a married man is approached by a woman, he won't cheat if he is getting all that he needs at home. It's when there are unmet needs that he believes he has something to gain by cheating. Just my thoughts.

Marciawilliams

Not always the case. I've been told by guys that it was just a bit of fun, and he'd never leave his wife because she was a wonderful woman who gave him everything he wanted. Every now and again he just needed something different!

http://www.ablackwebdesign.com Ayanna

I would have to agree with PLJ. I think when a need is unmet at home it will prompt the man to stray. However if that is this particular mans tendency then no matter how much the wife tries to communicate and make things right at home he's going to cheat anyway. This is why we need to really know our mate before we say I do. Some of these things are very clear to us before we enter into marry but for whatever reason we think things might change or that we can change them.

Tiffanyjack34

Let's not put all the blame on women. Please understand that these same married men are denying their marriage when they meet a woman just to get them in bed. Men in the beginning will do and say anything to these women to get with them. Additionally, a woman cannot take a man away from his marriage unless he wants to leave. Some women kill me thinking everyone wants their man. Check your man!
http://twitter.com/KhandiKoatedLuv Tiesha

The only unneed met that a man can claim is sex. Sex is not an important factor of a marriage; it's only an temporary fix. BTW, not all men are natural born cheaters.

http://www.ablackwebdesign.com Ayanna

Tiesha you're right all men aren't natural born cheaters that's why i wouldn't dare say that. There are plenty of men that honor their marriages and won't think of cheating. There are some though that will cheat for whatever reason and its not always sex. I think back to the movie Why did I get married and think about Tyler Perry's character. A part of the reason he was upset is that his wife wasn't sleeping with him but the other part was lack of attention and that her career took precedence over her family. So I think there are other reasons that men cheat. But in my opinion none of them are justified.

Carlacat925

Men cheat because women let them cheat and I am talking about the women that actively know he is married. Now we all have to admit there are women you marry and then there are those who are suppose to be second best, everybody can’t be the Alpha!

http://www.newrevelationministry.com FirstladyShonda

You are soo right. One of my girlfriends married this guy and she saw him watching women before the marriage. Then, once they got married he cheated and gave her a disease. They are in the process of getting a divorce. Sometimes, women get so caught up with the idea of marriage, they ignore the signs. My heart goes out to her. This guy was a deacon and supposely love the Lord. Another warning sign, he had already been married twice and now he is getting a divorce for the 3rd time and barely 40 years old.

http://twitter.com/ayannablack Ayanna Black

Right that's why I said if that's that mans tendency. If that man if going to cheat he's going to cheat because that who he is. He's not ready to be committed. All that wife can do is make sure she's doing her part and pray for her marriage. But again we need to know our mate before we say I do.

Tiffanyjack34

Sorry Anna, I hit reply instead of comment. I do agree with u though!

http://www.ablackwebdesign.com Ayanna

Thanks Tiffanyjack34

http://twitter.com/ayannablack Ayanna Black

Right that's why I said if that's that mans tendency. If that man if going to cheat he's going to cheat because that who he is. He's not ready to be committed. All that wife can do is make sure she's doing her part and pray for her marriage. But again we need to know our mate before we say I do.
Tiya

I agree with all of the points above. Absolutely a man who wants to cheat will definitely cheat. I'm not disagreeing with that point I all. But I guess I am at a point now where I feel like the women who “knowingly” go after married men, should feel some guilt or some part of the burden. It just seems way too easy for them. And in my opinion they are often let off the hook way too often. This article came to be as I had been hearing about lawsuits against mistresses, particularly Fantasia. It just made me think, yes mistresses, jump-offs or whatever else you want to call them, should be held responsible in some form or fashion as well as the husband. And more of the point I was making is for the husband who isn't straying, but is being hunted.

http://twitter.com/KhandiKoatedLuv Tiesha

I agree with you Tiya. Women who “knowingly” go after them should be guilty. I guess they don't think it's wrong in their eyes, but how can a woman feel happy when the man is going home to his wife every night? A married man is not going to make time for you. Single women who do that only set themselves up for true failure. Have they not seen the Changing Faces video,”Can't be that other woman?” What is done in the dark will come to the light because it's going to be one person who will mess up royally.

I have had stupid women smile in my face like it's something to be proud of, yet sending my husband text messages talking about she wants him to leave me for her. Please chile, sit down! Six years of marriage and I still haven't given him a reason to say the marriage is over.

LB

I think the recent high-profile cases make it seem as though the number of “hunters” are getting out of control and that these “hunters” are cold, calculating demons from hell who deliberately set out to entrap the “hunted”. I beg to differ.

More often than not, the so-called hunter is an emotionally impulsive woman with low self-esteem (whether or not she realizes it is a different story) who doesn't have the mental maturity to think long-term about the consequences of her actions in getting entangled with a married man (who clearly has issues of his own for stepping out on his marriage in the first place).

That said, the onus is on the married man (whether he's being hunted or he's actively stepping out) to respect the vows he has made before his wife and whatever God he happens to believe in, and not on some third party that you as a wife/SO have no control over and who owes you nothing whatsoever. That would be like me blaming the kid who talked my kid into shoplifting instead of holding my kid responsible.

That deflecting of blame reeks to me of women being cowardly, unable to hold men accountable which only encourages the cheating when they know they can almost always get away with it. It would be all nice and dandy if all women knew better than to “hunt” married men but that's life for you–some women just don't care and there's nothing you can do about that in most cases. You can, however, do something about YOUR MAN.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

Great article, Tiya! I think the opportunity to cheat, whether women are throwing their drawers at married men, or it happens all subtle and sneaky, is available no matter where you go or what you do. The men who aren't going to cheat have steeled their marriages through communication and commitment: to their marriages, their children, the Lord, etc. The ones who stumble or dive into adultery have not. That's the only difference.
Guest

I think you are extremely blind if you truly think that women are “hunting” married men. I will tell you plenty of times I am approached and nine times out of ten (yes), the men are married, and nine times out of those ten, they will either lie about being married, or attempt to hide their rings. I have girlfriends who can attest to the same things! Where do you get off? Your man must cheat and you have to save face by coming up with “the one and only answer”. Some women actually know their men cheat and the only way to keep them is to put up with the cheating! When I told a guy I wouldn't date him because he was married, he told me, “my wife won't mind…call her, she knows!” Whatever. I don't care one way or another what a couple chooses to do. The man is the one in the marriage…NOT the single woman. Wives, please do me a favor and stop blaming single women for the demise of your marriage. Do you blame your bank accounts when your husbands blow all your money? Do you blame your shoes when you spend your kids meal lunches on Manolo's thus causing strife in your relationship?

Blame yourself and your husband. You two are what make a marriage. Add GOD, PRAYER…and everything ELSE should not exist!!!
http://twitter.com/RCafe Relationship Cafe'

I say, save the hunters. Why are they hunting? According to the article, “It must be flattering to think another woman’s man is interested in you.” This appears to be a reflection of the esteem and character of the hunter. As a woman who sees my worth, I actually feel bad when a married man shows me interest. I feel sad for his wife and for the state of their marriage. I do not blame the wife, no matter what she is doing at home. A married man should not show interest in another. The key word here is “interest” and to me does not include a simple complement. So, I say help the hunter in this case to notice his or her worth.

“The benefits for some women in dating a married man is that the relationship may be more exciting, because they don’t see each other often enough and the time spent must be special.” Of course it appears special, but it has no future. Even if the person leaves their spouse for you . . . what's to say they won't leave you for another 'more exciting' partner? This type of relationship lacks commitment. What does that leave? Empty thrill. If the hunter can accept that then once again, do they not know their worth?

“The married man comes across as a really great guy, he’s taking care of a household, and he is a provider who loves and take care of his children. Married men are the cream of the crop.” As long as he does not yield to the hunt, then yes, he might actually be a great guy. However, if he does, then what type of guy is he? And let's look at why he appears to be a great guy. Is it because he is loved and cared for by a great woman? Just a thought.

“The other woman is being told just what she wants to hear.” Then who is the hunter in this situation?

“They are hurting another woman (some women are very competitive so it pleases them to be in a position where they feel successful, even if it is taking someone’s husband).” This once again demonstrates why the hunter is the one who needs the help.

I think that the hunted should work on their own marriage and not yield to the pursuit of a hunter. As for the hunter, seems like a position of 'settling” and not knowing one's own value that yields this situation.

http://www.relationshipocafe.org
http://www.facebook.com/relationshipcafe
http://www.healthyrelationshipsconference.com

Great article.

Tiya

Love your comment!

http://twitter.com/KhandiKoatedLuv Tiesha

In my own personal opinion, it's more women hunting the men than the men hunting the women. Even if a man tells a woman he is married, the fact remains is that she is denial because she cannot accept the fact that he is married. How do I know? Because I go through this all the time. Most men just want a friend and it doesn't have to be anything sexual, but of course, the other woman will want more than she can't have.

And to the single women, just put the shoe on your foot. What if you was in my position? Would you want another woman trying to fill your shoes? You doing all you can for your husband, yet this female steadily calling your husband all times of night for some “so called” advice, and gets upset at the wife because he is spending time with the wife instead of you. God is not going to bless mess. So many single women get tired of looking for a man…this is where you mess up at..a man is suppose to find you, you not find him.

http://twitter.com/pennibrown Penni Brown

“You doing all you can for your husband, yet this female steadily calling your husband all times of night for some “so called” advice, and gets upset at the wife because he is spending time with the wife instead of you. God is not going to bless mess.”

The only 'mess' here is that your husband (speaking generally here) accepts the calls. It is his responsibility to check the interloper. He's the one with the boundary that needs to be guarded. But, the problem is that alot of men enjoy the ego boost that comes from being the fix it man for yet another woman. He answers the phone each time because he wants to.

I don't think a single person should pursue a married person under any circumstance, but I agree with the other commenters that believe the accountability is misplaced by focusing on 'the hunter'.

Marie

Penni,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I read this article with an open mind but I have to say that a woman cannot hunt a man that does not want to be hunted. Overall, I am outdone with the fact that the blame is being placed on women. Let’s be very clear: If a man wants to cheat, he will. No one will needs to force him to do something that he already wants to do. The sad thing is that these wives know the men that they marry. They accept their cheating in return for financial security. But you are never secure when you are married to a cheating man. You will always wonder if someone else will take him away from you because he is always cheating. The husbands accept the calls because they have no problem cheating on these women in front of their faces. Folks are bold nowadays! But we women need to decide if we are going to be with these cheating men. We are not winning because we are married to these men…..we are sharing him with every Sally, Sue, and Margaret that comes along. Yeah, it nice to have the kids and the white picket fence but to willingly share your man with someone else is too much for me. Overall, setting boundaries in marriage is important. If both people came into the marriage for a commitment, they will work things out. But if both people got married just to have guilt-free sex, the curtains will fall eventually.

Kptarver

Interesting post. To it I add that marriage is communal. The woman who sets out to get a married man is a predator, and an enemy of “all” marraiges. The whole point of seduction is to persuade the non persuaded. She needs to be held accountable by the culture. Some states still have laws against “alienation of affection”, where the thrid party is liable.

Likewise, the hunted too, must take care to guard his home. The book of Proverbs devotes an entire chapter how and why a man must gurad himself against the seducing woman. The advice to the young man comes from his mother.
Sophia

I must say, as a woman who formerly (before knowing the Lord) dealt with married me that this article is very true regarding the reasons that women deal with married men. However, I would like to say this; many, if not all, of the women who take this route suffer from self-esteem issues. This is not to take the light off of the women, but it's just the truth. Men who decide to cheat (because it IS a decision) are going to do it with whomever allows them in. We all, as married people have a decision to make when things are not going well in our marriages. Work it out, don't work it out and cheat, or leave the marriage. If you have a husband and a wife who were committed and dedicated to making sure that their marriage is strong and sustainable before the actual vows are said, and maintain open lines of communication and trust and constant encouragement will find that it is much easier to say “No thank you, I am married and I don't mess around like that” and mean it. Because I know what it feels like to be on both sides of the fence, I understand that the women who “seek out” married men need as much prayer as the men who make the decision to step out. Husbands and wives, make sure that the Lord is really the Head of your family. Marriage is prayer, prayer and more prayer because the enemy desires to break down the foundation of the family in order to mess up the generations that follow. If you are found in a situation where there has been cheating, whether wife or husband; do not just check out. Pray on it together, work on it together. You can recover through forgiveness and healing and counselling…if you want to recover. I am a witness.
Bmw7527

@Guest Comment (above): DITTO! I will add this: God & prayer should definitely be in the marriage..BUT even with everything else that does exist, it may be acknowledged, but dwelled upon because God & prayer are in the marriage:)

Tiya: On what sources/information is your article based? I hate to break this to you, but (some) married men are more often the “hunters” than the “prey”. I too have been approached by (and turned away) MANY married men and while I realize there are SOME single women who actually pursue married men, I feel the article you've written is yet another way to blame, persecute and dehumanize a woman who really needs compassion and understanding (even though her actions are inappropriate).

Why not focus on the importance of strengthing the marriage so that when temptation does occur (no matter who the “hunter” may be), it will be worthwhile for that man to walk away rather than take the bait. Tiya, you use the word “passion”, but there seems to be nothing in your article about “compassion”, “understanding”, “love”…these actions not only can protect the covenant called marriage, but it would be useful advice to some of these “hunters” who may feel as though they have to hunt a married man to get what they may feel the man's wife already has …”love”. Since you're a relationship & life coach: MOTIVATE & ENCOURAGE! My suggestion would be you either re-write or create another segment of this article that involves positive solutions for married couples to use as a helpful guide to prevent extramarital affairs; you should also include positive suggestions for women who may be already (or considering) hunting married men. (It might also help if you'd actually spoken with single women who are “hunters”)

Tiya: In your practice as a professional, please do not forget to practice without judgement.

Sophia

Totally agree.
Tiya

Thank you for your comment. Most of my articles stem from my coaching, conversations I have had and life experiences. I thank you for your suggestion, but I have written (and will continue to write) lots of articles on strengthening and building marriages and that is exactly what I do in my coaching practice. Wherever you felt I was being judgemental, that wasn't my intention, I meant only to state my observations. I am passionate about saving marriages, so you may see articles from me that focus on protecting marriages. So unfortunately for some that will include an article on infidelity, a cheating husband and mistresses. I love motivating and encouraging couples in building healthy marriages. We all know that there are married men who step outside of their marriage and are the hunters (but that's a another article).

Chrissy0131

Tiya I actually think that a lot of “hunters” usually get punished in life, I mean they may seem like on the outside that they are being let off the hook but like you stated in your article they are usually the ones who come up short in an affair and it the most cases the end result is not pretty for them they are left feeling used and and worthless because the guy fulfilled his pleasure and still went back to his wife at the end of the day, so I'm sure they feel that pain esp. if their ultimate decision was to have the guy to themselves and it blew up in their face.
Chrissy0131

I meant to say esp if they're ultimate “goal” was to have the guy to themselves
http://www.imageandcolor.com/ DIVAStyleCoach

Yes, married men may be 'hunted', but if that same married man has several ways to discourage the 'hunters' then there is no problem. The problem arises when the 'hunted' – now let's assume it could just as easily be a woman as a man – does not sufficiently discourage the 'hunter'. I recall what my mom said to me – “If you give them a soft 'No' they think they can convince you to their side, if you give them a strong 'No' (a “Hell to the naw!” in a loud, strong voice) they will retreat and leave you alone.

I have no problem handing out a strong 'No' when the “Sorry, I'm married” does not work right away…and neither does my husband of 20 years.
SpenserAvery

The YOUNG married man (& woman) must be saved. I didn't get any where near the attention I got once I was married. When I put that ring on it was like “wonder twins powers Activate”. Was I overwhelmed-Yes! Was I flattered-Yes! Was there a new peacock in in town-Sure was! Did I understand it-No?!

After all, nothing had changed? I was going home to my fiance' and then I was going home to my New wife. I lived in the same place and ate the same food. But all of sudden I was wanted by EVERY woman I came into contact with (well, it seemed that way anyway).

The YOUNG married couple must be protected and mentored. Through the Church, family or older married couple in there circle. When the honeymoon period of being a newlywed is over and we fall into our rolls of being a married couple. The hunt begins on BOTH of them.

Tiya

Thank you SpenserAvery, and that's really all I am trying to say.
AllForCommitment

I've experienced all sides. I dated a married man without knowing he was married. I was working a holiday job while I was at university. This guy came into the office without a wedding band. I was excited – he was well spoken and your regular TDH guy. I went out on a few dates with him. I lived at home, so had to be back home at a certain time (must have been very convenient for him). He even came back to mine and met my mum. She took one look at him and after he had left, she asked me if he was married. Of course, I was scandalised. He was too young to be married and besides, he would have told me. She reiterated her question (mothers seem to know it all). She then asked me if I had ever seen him after 9 pm – no. A few more questions down the line got me thinking. The next time I saw him, I asked him and he said yes he was. I was in shock. He did not wear a band, neither was there any 'mark' on his finger to show he'd taken it off. I was gutted. He then tried the 'we're separated' move…. I ended it.

After graduation, I met someone, we got married. He left after a few months, and got a young girl pregnant (before the divorce came through).

I have had countless married man try and hit on me: I do NOT give them 'soft' No's and I always leave them with a lecture. The other group are the ones that are 'separated' but not divorced…. I give them an equally stern lecture.

I believe married men can appear attractive because they are already 'wanted' by someone and “must be doing something right”. Most people shop and buy things that everyone else is buying because “there must be a reason no one else is buying the other stuff”…. I am not condoning it, just explaining the attraction to a married person. When I was married and even separated, I wore my wedding ring. The number of guys that hit on me was apalling. When I confronted one of them, he said he thought it was 'costume jewellry'.

Personally, I think everyone should take responsibility for their own actions – be it as a single person or married man or woman. If we all work on improving our self esteem and becoming God centered and STAYING God centered, a lot of what appears 'appealing' will appear less so.
http://twitter.com/pennibrown Penni Brown

One of my good friends and I talk about this all of the time. I always tell him that his wife upgraded him and he should thank his lucky stars that she said yes. LOL By 'upgrade' I mean, he dresses better (she's in charge of wardrobe), he's more confident (regular sex) and he's comfortable in his own skin. There is a different energy that a married person exudes, especially a newly married person. It has very little to do with the actual ring.

Bmw7527

@Tiya: Just read your last comment..The “other woman” is held accountable…TO HER CONSCIENCE!!! She's the one who has to live with her low self-esteem that may a contributing factor to her pursuing a married man in the first place. She's the one who watches this man return to his family, even after she's given a part or all of herself to him (physically, emotionally, financially)..Instead of suing the sidechick, the couple needs to decide if their marriage is worth saving and concentrate on that. We can only be responsible for our own actions..Suing a sidechick may put some dollars in a wife's pocket, but it takes guidance from God to repair what may have been damaged or broken long before the other woman came into the picture..I'm just sayin'…
Anjanettepotter

I agree with the men on this one. “Saving' implies some helpless little weak person who doesn't know what hit them. If a person is going to cheat , they'll cheat. I really don't like fact that you assume that Fantasia did the pursuing. Men do pursue women who are not their wives (behind their wive's backs). I personally don't like nobody else's husband pursuing me (I think it's tacky). “Saving the Hunted” implies that twisted logic that says “Our men would be faithful if not for these “other women” as though he has no choice in the matter. After all he knows he's married, right?

Sophia

You are so right. It's just as bad as blaming the faithful spouse for the unfaithful one's cheating.

Chanice

“Collectively, we have to encourage the hunted to stay focused on strengthening their marriages. Most importantly we must stress to those we know who are involved with married men the seriousness and destruction of their actions.”

I have no sympathy for and no interest in protecting the hunted. Hunted animals get killed when they are weak, slow, careless, inattentive, and stray from the confines of their packs and shelters. If a man allows himself to fall prey to being hunted that’s his fault. Nobody should have to encourage him to stay true and committed to the vows that he gave. Neither should anyone blame the woman that came along acting as the “hunter”. If she is the type that’s purely seeking married men, she’s probably baited very many of them, but there’s a reason she got the one that she did and that’s his fault, his weakness, his inattention to his family and his vows.

Her actions are surely destructive – but to her own life, goals, and happiness, as SHE is the only person that she needs to worry about. It’s HIS actions that are destructive to HIS family. The collective “we” didn’t propose to his fiancé and stand at the altar making promises, so the collective “we” have no part in helping him stay true to those commitments, and also no blame when he fails to deliver.

Kptarver

Marriage is both individual and communal. Just as good neighbors call for help when they see a crimianl breaking in, even if its not their own property. Why? Because it is utterly impossible to guard all your flanks at all times. Thats why neighborhood crime watches work. Thats why community in support of marriage is so important. Marriage requires protection and support from within, as you have said, and without. Just as you need your neighbors to support you when they see trouble lurking in the community. No man is an island, and neither is any marriage. Our communities do best when its marriages succeed. We must regain respect for the adage “I am my brothers/sisters keeper?” and give a shout out when we see a predator lurking among us.

Tiya

I agree. It takes a village.
Chanice

I see your point, but when you know you have a predator in your community, aren't you taking steps to protect your own house as well?? Men who allow themselves to fall prey to the types of women that seek out married men are, to use your analogy, leaving the house unlocked, windows open, and price tags on their goodies. If you leave yourself open like that, and your stuff gets stolen, the best watch in the world couldn't save you or be held accountable for your irresponsibility. If a man disregards his priorities and needs “a village” to remind him of his vows, faithfulness and family responsibility – that's destined to fail at some point when no one is watching, and there is sure to be a time that no one is watching.

People always need support to succeed, I get that, but there is no substitute for personal accountability and responsibility, and there's only one person to blame when one fails himself and those depending on him.

MTM

The best defense against adultery is a happy marriage. So make your marriage happy and stop worrying. I do believe that you can see the warning signs of the small minority (12%, according to one study) of men who cheat without being dissatisfied with their marriages, and don't marry that man. Find a good man, then work to keep him.
MeAngee91

“The Hunted” will eventually lose the challenge once he realizes he was the “prey” rather than the “predator”
http://www.singleindependentsistah.com sistah1

For some reason, it seems carrying on with married men is more accepted these days. Look at Gabrielle and Alicia. These celebs helped to break up marriages, and no one has bothered to really call them on it. I sympathize with Fantasia, but she's guilty, too, if she knew ol' boy was married. There ares single men out here. Why bother with someone else's man?

I blogged about it.
http://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/20…
Jazzy

I love this. I think I commented a year ago and I’ll do the same again. The attempt to “save” a marriage should be focused on the couple–not the outside third party. A so-called “prowess” or “hunter” should not come in between a marriage, but this is where the article is focused…degrading and judging a woman who sleeps with a married man. Nine of ten of men who approach me are married. Sorry, I’m not sure if I was clear in that–APPROACH ME. Perhaps I should feel guilty for being attractive? Or maybe I’m wearing a sign that says “accepting husbands”? Hmmm…your focus now is the same as it was before: Wrong. You want to save marriages, then you need to focus on the cheating spouses who feel it is okay to step outside their marriage…if that was indeed your intention. A mistress cannot save a marriage–so what exactly is your focus?
Bailey_regina

Sounds to me this article was written for those who seek to justify why they stay with a cheating spouse via blaming the tool he used to do the cheating with! In the end; the tool is just that; something that was used to carry out an intentional act by whom they were chosen! But I digress, whatever helps you sleep at night;) when I did some investigation my husband was pursuing women & claiming to be single the whole time, we’re now divorced but women stop burying your head in the sand, stay if you want just don’t make excuses for why or blame anyone else, be honest with yourself, I’m not buying that another woman can make my husband cheat-he had to consent to it!
Mirrormirror

I am a single woman who typically enjoys reading the articles on BMWK, as it gives me helpful insights on marriage and relationships. However, this article is one of the worst that has been published on this site, and I am glad that it is not the first BMWK article that I read because it would have probably been my last. It lacks depth and objectivity. It actually feels like a cry for help versus being a helpful article. There are three parties involved when a spouse cheats, and all of them play a role in the affair 1) The cheating spouse, 2) The spouse who allows the cheating (because just like the other party knows, the spouse also knows when his/her mate is cheating) and 3) The other person. In this triangle, it is not just the other person who may suffer from low self-esteem, unrealistic expectations, immaturity, etc, and it’s not just the other person who will suffer the consequences of his or her own actions and/or inactions. The affair is a symptom for all parties involved and all parties will have to do some soul searching to get at the root of what caused them to 1) Dishonor his/her marriage vows, 2) Allow himself/herself to be cheated on or 3) enable and engage in relations with a person who would dishonor his/her marriage vows. This article was very disappointing, uncharacteristic of BMWK.
Missallthatnthensome

I’m with Thother Com on this one… The men are the issue. I am single and I do not go out seeking married men. For some reason I attract them. Many married men have the attitude that they are “single” because their wives are at home. I am to the point where I am keeping a tally of the number of married men who approach me weekly. One had the nerve to take his wedding band off mid conversation before he asked me out on a date for the following weekend. It is sad. But please do not blame the single women. These married men go out for the sole purpose of attracting single women. I have heard every line, lie and excuse. I am honestly over getting married as I do not see it happening for me. I see how married men are, how they seek single women, how they date / court single women. I do not see myself putting up with it. A cheating mate is not how I imagined marriage would be. I am saying no to marriage (and black men… That’s another story). They have no regard for their wives and families. As a single woman I deserve more and refuse to entertain such behavior.
Codea

What about the married man who is out there doing the hunting? I know a few married men who are hunting me and I’m here asking them if they know that they weren’t ready for marriage then why go ahead with it taking these vows before man and God…….I absolutely hate to see men stepping out of their marriage.
But could you do an article of when the single are being hunted by these men…?

momof5

People cheat, men adn women because they want to. Those whose characters are not to cheat, will never cheat…hunted or not. There are no weak and innocent victims here except the spouse married to the cheater. I will buy that a small fraction of women may not be aware that the man is married, howevet the moment you do…end the relationship that is it. But most wont.

People need to wise up spouses are now killing the mistresses, their mate and some have even killed their children as a result of their mate committing infidelity. This is a whole new ball game. Each sex should realize that person they are cheating with could be crazy and harm them or their family. Fun and games this is not. Have you read the news…seen the news?

Where is respect for ones self. My good friend of over 20 years is now in an adulterous relationship with an old boyfriend she reconnected with on….yeah facebook. She is divorced and he is married. First thing he did when they talked was diss his wife. I told her back off now (initially i thought he was divorced as well). She continued on with it and now i feed her with a long handled spoon. i refuse to listen to it. She says he is a good man . I told her there is nothing good about him and if by chance you do lure him away you will never be able to trust him…and he will do it to you.

The Hunted: “Married Men”

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