How to Combat “The Marital Slide”

by Harriet Hairston

I read a book by Bruce Wilkinson that really opened my eyes to some of the negativity that I had allowed to enter my psyche regarding my marriage. He made it plain that no matter what happens externally in our marriage and general lives, how we respond is strictly up to us individually.

Last week, Norman Vincent Peale provided us with tools to take “maybe, maybe not” out of our vocabulary when thinking about the survival of our marriages.  Wilkinson discussed a similar dynamic within marriages that definitely contributes to the rising rate of divorce in this country: hearts that are unguarded.

The heart is seen in many circles as the seat of emotions and imagination. What’s in there is what will come out in words and action. That’s why it’s so important that area of our lives is cautiously guarded (but not locked up and imprisoned). When we allow our hearts to go unchecked and unguarded, the “Marital Slide” takes place:

Stage 1:  Delight–This is the “Never, never” stage where individuals in the marriage would NEVER imagine the marriage being severed.  A constant state of realistic love and euphoria where husband and wife go out of their way to bring their spouse joy.

Stage 2:  Discouraged–A person says to him or herself, “Marriage is harder than I expected.” Been there, done that. The honeymoon didn’t last long, but both Mr. Incredible and I made a commitment to work it out by any means necessary.

Stage 3:  Disillusioned–”Marriage is boring and frustrating. It had better improve or else…”  Disillusionment takes the rose colored glasses off a spouse, but the danger in this stage is when those glasses are removed, a person allows themselves to see nothing but the negative in their spouse.

Stage 4:  Double-Minded–this is where the “maybe, maybe not” danger steps in.  Wilkinson called it the “dilemma of uncertainty” where a spouse doesn’t know whether they want to work it out or not.

Stage 5:  Desperate–”I’ll try anything. I’ve got nothing to lose.”  The thing about desperation is that it can push us in the wrong direction if not careful. Desperation can drive a person to get help through counseling…or to adultery or some other kind of unhealthy release.

Stage 6: Despair–A person says, “Who cares what happens…this marriage is hopeless.”

Stage 7: Divorce–From “never, never,” to “sever, sever.”  Oh, how the mighty, purposeful, loving, compassionate marriage has fallen!

The way to prevent this slide from taking place is to guard your heart! The way to get back and STAY in stage 1 is to remain loyal to the person you committed yourself to!  There are five ways Wilkinson suggested to ensure your heart remains guarded:

1. Restrict and restructure your life to the “Never, Never” stage of marriage.

This requires volitional loyalty: make the daily, hourly, secondly choice to maintain your marriage.

2.  Relinquish every competing person, activity or goal. What is more important? Your job/facebook account/friends or your spouse?

This requires emotional loyalty: Do you treat your spouse as the most important person in the world to you? Is your spouse the #1 physical person in your life?

3.  Restore your spirit by staying committed to what is important in your life spiritually, mentally and emotionally. For many, this means drawing closer to Christ as a practice.

This is spiritual loyalty: ask God to show you areas where you need to recommit your spirit more fully to His principles and purpose.

4.  Rekindle your sex life with intimacy.  Personally, I think pornography presents too many external temptations and dangers than it is worth.  But communication and intimate times together (dates, conversation, casual compliments and passing touches, etc.) definitely help towards this end.

This is called physical loyalty: where no one else is allowed to enter the intimate space but your spouse.

5. Remain committed to your covenant and spouse.  Always remember that your marriage is NOT just a piece of paper to be discarded when beat upon too much.  Marriage is a binding covenant that requires LOVE to be shared at all times by both parties involved. That “no matter what” type of commitment!

This requires unconditional loyalty!

The bottom line: marriage is a “no matter what” type of commitment. No matter what happens, no matter what stage of the slide you find yourself in, there is ALWAYS an escape route to a safe place for your marriage.

So, BMWK…have you ever found yourself in the “Marital Slide?”  How did you get back to the “Never, Never” stage? What types of loyalties are you strongest in? Where can you use more improvement?  Talk to us and tell us what you think!

God bless!
~ Harriet

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