Youknowwhatimsayin? Some Eye Opening Differences in Male and Female Communication

By Harriet Hairston

Dr. Deborah Tannen wrote a book about the conversational style differences between men and women that really opened my eyes up to help me understand my husband better (as opposed to getting lost in translation so often).  Although her book discussed many generalities, she broke those general assumptions down into more specific bite sized pieces.

For example, it is well known that men tend to be linear thinkers.  They think from A to B…the quickest route between two points is a straight line, and that’s exactly how they generally think. Men tend to be more logical than emotional in their conversations.  Women, on the other hand, tend to be circular thinkers…there is no beginning or end point. Conversation is a part of a large scheme of things, and it tends to center around emotions rather than logic.   This is the concept many pre-marital counselors hang their hats upon.

To him, talk is information. So when he is interrupted by his wife, it must be to inform him of something he needs to know. To her, talk is interaction.  Telling things is a way to show interest and caring.

But what happens when those general little factoids aren’t enough and a husband and wife mean well, but continue to cross signals?  Dr. Tannen broke down some of those types of situations:

1.  Couple A is engaged in hot disagreement.  Wife A thinks Husband A is insensitive and cruel because when she talks about problems she’s having or challenges she faces, Husband A never empathizes.

Tannen states this is not because of the message Wife A is sending, but what she called the “metamessage”…the lines between the words that Wife A assumes Husband A knows.  Generally, a woman’s metamessage is intimacy.  She is concerned with minimizing differences, reaching consensus and avoiding superiority.  However, a man’s metamessage is indpendence. He is more concerned with establishing status and being able to solve problems and/or give orders.

Tannen stated, “A woman’s message is, ‘We’re the same; you’re not alone.’ A man’s message is, ‘We’re not the same. You have the problems, I have the solutions.’”

So Husband A, frustrated that Wife A never takes his advice, does not respond at all to Wife A’s expression of concern and frustration.  He thinks she is a glutton for punishment because she never follows his advice; she thinks he is insensitive and always trying to lecture her. They are both operating out of their natural bent, but instead of Husband A trying to communicate in Wife A’s language, he frustrates her because he’s speaking his own language in his response to her. Instead of Wife A appreciating the fact that Husband A is willing to solve the problem, she mislabels him as insensitive because he is not empathizing with her.

Ever been there before in your marriage?

2.  Couple B finds themselves going through the same cycle over and over again.  Husband B tells Wife B about a challenge he encountered at work.  Wife B gives Husband B an anecdote about how she went through something similar. This causes a huge argument.  Why?

Well, for one specific reason:  men tend to want their problems to be their problems, and when someone attempts to empathize with them, it strikes at their independence and makes them think the empathizing person (more than likely a woman) is attempting to belittle or emasculate them.  So of course Husband B is going to get upset!

Wife B, on the other hand, likes to match troubles so Husband B doesn’t feel all alone in his struggle.  She is hurt that his response is so harsh and doesn’t understand why he ever tells her anything because he often responds harshly when she is only trying to help.

Tannen stated, “If women are often frustrated because men do not respond to their troubles by offering matching troubles, men are often frustrated because women do.”

I’m raising both my hands and feet on this one! I’ve been there more times than I can count, and for the first time, Mr. Incredible’s negative response actually makes sense!  Before reading this book, I just chalked his response up to temporary insanity and kept my mouth SHUT when listening to him vent about his day.

Without knowing it, couples become lost in translation…the wife thinks the husband is mean and insensitive, and the husband thinks the wife is just plain CRAZY.  LOL  But understanding these differences in conversational and communication styles between men and women can resolve a lot of frustration in marriage and relationships in general.

The worst mistake a husband or wife could make is judging what they hear from their spouse by the standard of their conversational style.  Understanding the other person’s conversational style will reduce the mystery of male/female communication and open doors to more understanding and harmony.

BMWK, have you ever encountered situations with your spouse like the examples given above?  How does knowing these subtle differences help you relate to your spouse better?

God bless!
~ Harriet

About the author

• Website