by Eric Payne
I recently had the pleasure of meeting the male mind behind Black And Married With Kids dot com, Mr. Lamar Tyler. During our lunchtime summit on all things Black, Married and Kids, he casually dropped a term that hit me like a bag of bricks: A Friend of Your Marriage. I didn’t need any explanation from him to know exactly what he meant.
There are times when I believe my wife has lost her mind. Friends of My Marriage may laugh at but typically don’t cosign on my opinions or emotions in moments like these. They are less concerned with what she is or isn’t doing and more concerned that I am doing all I can to live up to my end of the marriage contract/covenant. They’ve even gone so far as to suggest that I’ve played a role in my wife’s alleged insanity. At there have been times when they’ve extended themselves to hear us out to help us sort things out when we’ve hit our rough patches. Recently, a friend dropped his bible and concordance in my lap and told me, “Everything you need to succeed is in here.” I was horrified.
With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
On the flipside, I once had a friend pull me aside to show me a picture of his lady on the side. She was as naked as jaybird. As my eyes widened, my friend announced, “Life is too short. I’m not gonna sit around here and be miserable without having somewhere to go to have fun.” Right then and there I determined I would NEVER EVER discuss my marriage with this man because he wasn’t a friend of his own marriage. There was no way he could be one to mine.
But this isn’t only about men.
Ladies, when things go off track in your marriage as they sometimes do, are the people who have your ear and your back strong in their relationships with their husbands, in their faith, and/or in their message (MESS + AGE = Wisdom)? Or do they even know what a healthy relationship is? Do they hop around like bunny rabbits from one chaotic situation to the next, looking for love in all the wrong places with men who were never right for them in the first place? Are they selfish beyond repair and so myopic that the men of their lives have become all men in existence, and “all men” is the reason why they are single? Life is lived in stages and on levels. If the people advising you aren’t married, they either haven’t reached your level or they’ve failed trying to exist there. For them to speak on your marriage is no different than a man telling you how he gave birth to his first child. So the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you are you truly seeking advice and counsel, or do you simply want someone to agree with you, “support and back you up” in the current place where you are — even if you happen to be wrong?
Other People Who Aren’t Friends of Your Marriage
The coworker who seems to do all the things your spouse won’t do. This person comes off genuinely concerned about your well-being and the well-being of your relationship, even though they don’t know your spouse and don’t know you except for what you show and tell them. No different than what you did when you and your spouse first met. Does he or she make themselves available to you to lend an ear, just to talk, or to have a cup of coffee? Has it moved from the controlled environment of the public and infiltrated the privacy of your home in the form of willy-nilly texting and the occasional phone call in the bathroom? No matter the hour, do they just seem to be that voice of reason you can depend on, especially as things get worse at home? [Note: And why wouldn't they? Your marriage now has three or more people in it.] Doesn’t it feel exciting and wonderful to have your very own personal 24-hour crisis line? Yeah, run! If you don’t, sooner or later you’ll be in the arms of another in a field no greener than the one you’re presently in, wondering how in the world you got there.
The woman who works out at your gym who has a body to die for, grown kids, is successfully and confidently divorced, owns her own house and car, isn’t helpless, has the wind at her back and life on her side, laughs at everything you say and doesn’t shy away from giving you advice about what you could and should do with your wife — once you bring up the subject. What a coincidence that she “popped up” out of nowhere though she was always there. What happened is that you never considered speaking to her until you and your wife stopped talking to one another. Eventually you both advance the conversation from talking about what you should be doing and discussing more and more what your wife should be doing for you. Your wonderful, electric, heartfelt talks move from the gym, to the parking lot, to the Starbucks around the corner, to that nice, quiet little restaurant at the waterfront on Thursday for lunch, then drinks on Friday after work before you go home to your family, then dinner whenever and however you can sneak it in. Yeah, run! There is a rendezvous and a double life with your name written all over it.
Best Friends Of Marriage
This isn’t to say that people outside of your marriage can’t have genuine concern for you. But barring worst case scenarios such as physical abuse and perpetual infidelity, it’s up to you to seek out wise counsel. People who are going to agree with you because you’re you don’t qualify as wise counsel. Neither are people who don’t know you or your spouse and aren’t professionals in the field of marriage counseling or therapy, even if they seem really nice and grounded. All they know is what you allow them to know by only telling your side of the story. And there’s always more than one side. Successfully married folks typically make the best Friends of Marriage because they’ve weathered storms, won and now have the tools to win. They’ve been where you’ve been, sometimes repeatedly. They have no problem telling you when you’re wrong. They typically are able to find the wrong in both parties so both of you can get to right, together. Wise counsel doesn’t merely support. It corrects.
If you value your marriage you’ll do your best to ignore the trick that would lead you to believe that everything that is wrong with your spouse is everything that is right with your coworker, girlfriend’s best friend from college, homie’s cousin’s sister’s friend, community center director, milkman or anyone for that matter. Please, be careful. Guard your hearts. The body only follows once the heart creates a path.
No different than opting for surgery, seek advice from those who have a track record of success. Hang out here at Black And Married With Kids and get involved in the conversations. Be open to the idea of taking instruction from people who might not agree with you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek help. Too much is on the line to allow pride to get in the way.
Have all the friends you want, but know who to talk to about your marriage. More importantly, know who not to talk to.
BMWK do you have friends of your marriage? Have you ever been in any of the situations above?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler – Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter, or find him on his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories and in his spare time writes NYC tourism articles for NYMetropolista.com is a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Comments (45)
I hope more people see this.
I have recently gone through the same sort of scenario. My husband of several years has a "friend" at his job who he can not speak to when I'm around. Once I discovered her phone number he lied about who she was and I went on to find out that he sees her when he's hanging out at the bar each Tuesday with his coworkers. I was distraught at the news and felt/feel betrayed. We've been married going on 2 years, but together for 6, and I never saw this coming. I think he began to feel suffocated from the responsibility of being a husband, father, son and brother and it all became too much.
He says he is not dealing with her anymore. At some point I will question if he has spoken to her; if she's called or if she's shown up when he's out on his weekly visit to the sports bar (which is something else I don't agree with). My hope is that he recognizes the wrong he brought into our relationship and he has resolved this issue of his outside "friend." I hope your situation gets better, too.
I was just talking to hubby the other day about how depressing it was that we had soo many friends whose marriages are a farce. Combine that with the terrible marriage track record in my family and sometimes it makes me feel like we are all headed in that direction of doom? (Does anyone ever feel this way sometime) So I try to surround myself with positive examples to remind me that marriages can be loving, trusting, respectful and fun relationships.
Very on time article Eric!
I have NOTHING more to add, you covered it very well. I did however RE-Read this with my wife.
Thank you.
As far as friends of my relationship. I have 1 person who will read this post (hey girl) and has given the best advice "stay in prayer". Another friend although she's older, I cannot consider her advice as she always tell me what I want to hear, not necessarily what is right.
I'm going back to my prayer closet now.
At any rate, that "exclusive club" has been talked about on this site in the past. Check it out at the following link: http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/04/13/s...
It's entitled, "Single State Amnesia." I've put my foot in my mouth on this topic too many times to count. LOL!
I'll say it like I said it on the Facebook discussion that erupted around this piece. If your heart is guarded than YOU will know the character behind the advice you receive from someone. Single, married, or divorced a person's advice can merely be an excuse for their failures. Or it could be the thing you needed to hear that day, week, month, hour, etc. I did mention in the piece about Mess+Age=Wisdom - that will typically come from either a sage married person, or a sage divorced person, but honestly speaking, a marriage is a spiritual arrangement and even if it isn't for everyone out there reading this article, it is definitely a foreign land compared to that land that singles live in. Doctor's may not have the same ailment but they study the ailments. What single person takes the time to learn and understand what it means to be married before being married themselves? Apples and oranges, sorry. I dare anyone to say they've sought out a marriage counselor who is single. I'd take a divorced counselor over a single one any day of the week. Until recently I was right there with you believing that there was no exclusivity to being married, I still don't view it as exclusive, but someone who doesn't have to live under the same roof, care for children and care for the one they have those children with simply doesn't understand the day to day nuances of married life. That has nothing to do with exclusivity. That's just the facts. And most single folks I know not only agree with me but don't even want the stress. One woman on Facebook actually commented by saying, "You married people save all your talk about marriage for other married people. I don't want to hear it." And as someone who is going through an extremely rough patch I know the difference between between being checked and being yessed or being tempted and I've observed the same dynamics developing around my wife. To your very point about the doctor - that doctor has a body of wisdom built up by education, but what about experience? What about a surgeon...would you go to a surgeon who simply knows what a disease is or would you go to THE surgeon who has established himself as an expert in the field as a result of his repeated and respected practice in the field? Or would you allow yourself to be a guinea pig for the brand new surgeon? The hospital wouldn't even allow that, which is why new surgeons merely assist until they get enough surgeries under their belts. Advice was but a fraction of the totality of this piece but the truth is advice can cut like a surgeon's knife, either leading to healing or creating a catastrophe. I personally would prefer the known surgeon in the "surgeons' club" if he's the one that's going to cure me. But I definitely will appreciate the consultation of the doctor who ultimately refers me to that surgeon.
Thank you for such a heartfelt posting.
I'm at a loss as to where to find other young married couples that are trying to do the same as us!
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[...] http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/08/16/friends-of-your-marriage/. [...]
[...] Friends Of Your Marriage: A brilliant article! We all need folks who are friends not of us or our spouse, but of our marriage. This one is a MUST READ How To Keep the Marriage Flame Burning: An excellent article! Do half of this, half way, and your marriage will be a lot better! Dont Mess With Mr. In-Between: Dont listen to that voice! [...]
[...] Friends Of Your Marriage: A brilliant article! We all need folks who are friends not of us or our spouse, but of our marriage. This one is a MUST READ How To Keep the Marriage Flame Burning: An excellent article! Do half of this, half way, and your marriage will be a lot better! Don’t Mess With Mr. In-Between: Don’t listen to that voice! [...]
[...] your realm of knowledge. What I am advocating was brilliantly explained by Eric Payne in his Friends Of Your Marriage post. In my life I want my friends to be a friend of my marriage first and foremost, and my friend [...]
[...] much as you need to be aware of who are the Friends of Your Marriage you need to make sure you arent creating enemies of it either. No man or woman is an island. We [...]
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