How to Combat “The Marital Slide”
by Harriet Hairston
I read a book by Bruce Wilkinson that really opened my eyes to some of the negativity that I had allowed to enter my psyche regarding my marriage. He made it plain that no matter what happens externally in our marriage and general lives, how we respond is strictly up to us individually.
Last week, Norman Vincent Peale provided us with tools to take “maybe, maybe not” out of our vocabulary when thinking about the survival of our marriages. Wilkinson discussed a similar dynamic within marriages that definitely contributes to the rising rate of divorce in this country: hearts that are unguarded.
The heart is seen in many circles as the seat of emotions and imagination. What’s in there is what will come out in words and action. That’s why it’s so important that area of our lives is cautiously guarded (but not locked up and imprisoned). When we allow our hearts to go unchecked and unguarded, the “Marital Slide” takes place:
Stage 1: Delight–This is the “Never, never” stage where individuals in the marriage would NEVER imagine the marriage being severed. A constant state of realistic love and euphoria where husband and wife go out of their way to bring their spouse joy.
Stage 2: Discouraged–A person says to him or herself, “Marriage is harder than I expected.” Been there, done that. The honeymoon didn’t last long, but both Mr. Incredible and I made a commitment to work it out by any means necessary.
Stage 3: Disillusioned–”Marriage is boring and frustrating. It had better improve or else…” Disillusionment takes the rose colored glasses off a spouse, but the danger in this stage is when those glasses are removed, a person allows themselves to see nothing but the negative in their spouse.
Stage 4: Double-Minded–this is where the “maybe, maybe not” danger steps in. Wilkinson called it the “dilemma of uncertainty” where a spouse doesn’t know whether they want to work it out or not.
Stage 5: Desperate–”I’ll try anything. I’ve got nothing to lose.” The thing about desperation is that it can push us in the wrong direction if not careful. Desperation can drive a person to get help through counseling…or to adultery or some other kind of unhealthy release.
Stage 6: Despair–A person says, “Who cares what happens…this marriage is hopeless.”
Stage 7: Divorce–From “never, never,” to “sever, sever.” Oh, how the mighty, purposeful, loving, compassionate marriage has fallen!
The way to prevent this slide from taking place is to guard your heart! The way to get back and STAY in stage 1 is to remain loyal to the person you committed yourself to! There are five ways Wilkinson suggested to ensure your heart remains guarded:
1. Restrict and restructure your life to the “Never, Never” stage of marriage.
This requires volitional loyalty: make the daily, hourly, secondly choice to maintain your marriage.
2. Relinquish every competing person, activity or goal. What is more important? Your job/facebook account/friends or your spouse?
This requires emotional loyalty: Do you treat your spouse as the most important person in the world to you? Is your spouse the #1 physical person in your life?
3. Restore your spirit by staying committed to what is important in your life spiritually, mentally and emotionally. For many, this means drawing closer to Christ as a practice.
This is spiritual loyalty: ask God to show you areas where you need to recommit your spirit more fully to His principles and purpose.
4. Rekindle your sex life with intimacy. Personally, I think pornography presents too many external temptations and dangers than it is worth. But communication and intimate times together (dates, conversation, casual compliments and passing touches, etc.) definitely help towards this end.
This is called physical loyalty: where no one else is allowed to enter the intimate space but your spouse.
5. Remain committed to your covenant and spouse. Always remember that your marriage is NOT just a piece of paper to be discarded when beat upon too much. Marriage is a binding covenant that requires LOVE to be shared at all times by both parties involved. That “no matter what” type of commitment!
This requires unconditional loyalty!
The bottom line: marriage is a “no matter what” type of commitment. No matter what happens, no matter what stage of the slide you find yourself in, there is ALWAYS an escape route to a safe place for your marriage.
So, BMWK…have you ever found yourself in the “Marital Slide?” How did you get back to the “Never, Never” stage? What types of loyalties are you strongest in? Where can you use more improvement? Talk to us and tell us what you think!
God bless!
~ Harriet
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Comments (18)
Thanks for the love, Kevin! There is so much to enjoy on this site, and I hope you take some time out to see what we all have to offer!
I think, like you referenced, we let too many outside factors dictate intimate (not just the physical) marriage practices. We think too often about "if they do this, then imma do that"...that mentality kills so many potentially good marriages before they even make it a year.
Together I believe that my husband and I are strongest in our spiritual loyalty. We pray and rely on Him daily and the more we do it, the easier it gets to give thanks for each other. There are three sides to our story, his, God's and mine.
We're still new in this marriage and we know there will be challenging times but I refuse to give up. I've been given a gift and to throw it back would be a sin.
As for which loyalties I am strongest in I would say that the Physical and Spiritual ones are my strongest.
A couple of questions
1. When I look at the loyalty list doesn't the spiritual one drive the unconditional one and don't you master the unconditional one by exercising the volitional one?
2. What do you do for someone who is strong in physical loyalty but this is where the disconnect exists with their spouse? An example could be a wife who wants to be physically loyal but is refused by her husband or a husband who is emotionally loyal but this holds no value to his wife.
- Carlton
1. YES!!!! In other words, it's all or nothing when it comes to loyalty in marriage. We can find all kinds of loopholes, but when you think of marriage as a covenant promise, those loopholes are only pathways to destruction.
How do I know? Because my largest area of improvement is in the emotional loyalty section. I hate to admit it, but it is what it is. When I feel like I'm being mistreated or I don't necessarily like the direction we're going as a family, I have the tendency to "check out" emotionally. This recently came to a huge head in my marriage, and I had to re-evaluate how I treated Mr. Incredible and why. In my mind, I kept him imprisoned in the mistakes he made earlier in our marriage, and I couldn't appreciate that he was a different person. So I found other people and activities to make up for the emotional void I felt. We had to sit down and really talk that thing out. I'm happy to say that we have since resolved it, but it was rough for both of us in the interim.
2. The danger in not making loyalty to your spouse unconditional and all encompassing is the risk you take when he or she seeks to fill that void elsewhere, whether sexually, emotionally...some spouses have even turned their backs on their faith because of the treatment they receive from their significant other.
The only thing that can successfully combat that kind of slide, IMO, is having that "all or nothing" attitude. That may be difficult for people whose spouses don't subscribe to that attitude, but that's the only way in my mind.
Anyone else can feel free to chime in, though. I think your questions are AWESOME!
So coming from the guilty, hopeless party, if I can make that change, any other man or woman can. Stay encouraged!
"I believe my husband and I live in a marital slide. I can't count the number of times he said he wanted to leave me. But I live in a world of no options, we have no choice but to make it work. I believe I try to do everything to make it work. You can not control anyone's behavior but your own. I try to honor his request, I changed things about myself that he did not like, habits, beliefs thinking that he would be happier. Sometimes I don't recognized myself but I feel it is worth it if it makes my spouse happy. I am determaine to be with my husband to the end of my days no matter what, that is the commitment I made to him and God. "
As a wife, and a woman, if you are not even able to recognize yourself emotionally/spritually because of changes you made to please your spouse, how is that person honoring you? I understand that marriage is hard work. I totally get that you have to make concessions.... but I just feel that at some point if you stop being yourself how can you truly be happy? Doesnt a healthy marriage also need people that are personally fullfilled within themselves? I have been there...changing who I was to please someone in hopes of making things work. Only to realize in the end that I was more misreable WITH them as I would have been alone. I spent 6 years of my childbearing life with him. Again please dont get offended. But sometimes I see people dealing with issues that are TOTALLY unhealthy for the sake of being married and for the children.. Then once the children are older and they wake up 50 years old feeling like they shorted themselves as individuals.
What about adultery? If someone cheats and you forgive them, and they do it again...at what point is enough, enough? Where are we supposed to draw the line between sticking it out with that "All of nothing" attitude, and loving ourseleves. Havent our parents always told us, "If you don't love yourself no one else will"?
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2008/12/11/g...
By the way, this was the first article I ever wrote for BMWK! I'm a little nostalgic posting it! LOL