The Hunted: “Married Men”
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
When one goes hunting, it is planned and there is certain artillery needed. How you will get there is all mapped out as well as what will be hunted. And there is a purpose for the hunt. Currently, there are women who actively pursue married men. These women are using lust and seduction as their artillery and are definitely on the hunt for married men. Some of these women are mapping out their moves by portraying this “grass is greener on the other side” scenario. Making it appear that things will always be easier and happier being involved with them. Now I have concluded that the purpose of the hunt may include any (and all of the following):
- It must be flattering to think another woman’s man is interested in you.
- The benefits for some women in dating a married man is that the relationship may be more exciting, because they don’t see each other often enough and the time spent must be special.
- The married man comes across as a really great guy, he’s taking care of a household, and he is a provider who loves and take care of his children. Married men are the cream of the crop.
- The other woman is being told just what she wants to hear.
- The other woman may be able to take him as her own.
- They are hurting another woman (some women are very competitive so it pleases them to be in a position where they feel successful, even if it is taking someone’s husband).
But here is where the hunter loses:
- The married man is still going home to someone else and building something special with his wife (family, home, future)
- Those benefits will also turn into negatives. There isn’t as much time, and there is a certain purpose for this relationship that normally isn’t healthy (sex, money etc.)
- The really great guy he appears to be is a façade if he is cheating with another woman. How good of a guy is someone who doesn’t value their commitments and family?
- The other woman has cheated herself; she’s absolutely settling for less because she could and should have more; a man who is just for her.
- Yet another woman may come along and get him just like she did.
- Another woman and in most cases children are being permanently impacted.
In order to save the hunted, more of us (including the hunted) have to be passionate about the cause. Collectively, we have to encourage the hunted to stay focused on strengthening their marriages. Most importantly we must stress to those we know who are involved with married men the seriousness and destruction of their actions.
BMWK, what do you think it takes to save the “hunted”?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
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Comments (61)
I think it's just the 'save' word that got me up in arms. Guess I'm just a stickler for that, ha.
Your question makes it seem as if men who cheat on their wives are helpless victims. It's as if they are poor defenseless guy who couldn't possible resist the advances of a "hunter." While it is wrong for women to actively seek married men for relationships, they couldn't achieve their goal with willing male participants.
I have had stupid women smile in my face like it's something to be proud of, yet sending my husband text messages talking about she wants him to leave me for her. Please chile, sit down! Six years of marriage and I still haven't given him a reason to say the marriage is over.
More often than not, the so-called hunter is an emotionally impulsive woman with low self-esteem (whether or not she realizes it is a different story) who doesn't have the mental maturity to think long-term about the consequences of her actions in getting entangled with a married man (who clearly has issues of his own for stepping out on his marriage in the first place).
That said, the onus is on the married man (whether he's being hunted or he's actively stepping out) to respect the vows he has made before his wife and whatever God he happens to believe in, and not on some third party that you as a wife/SO have no control over and who owes you nothing whatsoever. That would be like me blaming the kid who talked my kid into shoplifting instead of holding my kid responsible.
That deflecting of blame reeks to me of women being cowardly, unable to hold men accountable which only encourages the cheating when they know they can almost always get away with it. It would be all nice and dandy if all women knew better than to "hunt" married men but that's life for you--some women just don't care and there's nothing you can do about that in most cases. You can, however, do something about YOUR MAN.
Blame yourself and your husband. You two are what make a marriage. Add GOD, PRAYER...and everything ELSE should not exist!!!
"The benefits for some women in dating a married man is that the relationship may be more exciting, because they don’t see each other often enough and the time spent must be special." Of course it appears special, but it has no future. Even if the person leaves their spouse for you . . . what's to say they won't leave you for another 'more exciting' partner? This type of relationship lacks commitment. What does that leave? Empty thrill. If the hunter can accept that then once again, do they not know their worth?
"The married man comes across as a really great guy, he’s taking care of a household, and he is a provider who loves and take care of his children. Married men are the cream of the crop." As long as he does not yield to the hunt, then yes, he might actually be a great guy. However, if he does, then what type of guy is he? And let's look at why he appears to be a great guy. Is it because he is loved and cared for by a great woman? Just a thought.
"The other woman is being told just what she wants to hear." Then who is the hunter in this situation?
"They are hurting another woman (some women are very competitive so it pleases them to be in a position where they feel successful, even if it is taking someone’s husband)." This once again demonstrates why the hunter is the one who needs the help.
I think that the hunted should work on their own marriage and not yield to the pursuit of a hunter. As for the hunter, seems like a position of 'settling" and not knowing one's own value that yields this situation.
www.relationshipocafe.org
www.facebook.com/relationshipcafe
www.healthyrelationshipsconference.com
Great article.
And to the single women, just put the shoe on your foot. What if you was in my position? Would you want another woman trying to fill your shoes? You doing all you can for your husband, yet this female steadily calling your husband all times of night for some "so called" advice, and gets upset at the wife because he is spending time with the wife instead of you. God is not going to bless mess. So many single women get tired of looking for a man...this is where you mess up at..a man is suppose to find you, you not find him.
The only 'mess' here is that your husband (speaking generally here) accepts the calls. It is his responsibility to check the interloper. He's the one with the boundary that needs to be guarded. But, the problem is that alot of men enjoy the ego boost that comes from being the fix it man for yet another woman. He answers the phone each time because he wants to.
I don't think a single person should pursue a married person under any circumstance, but I agree with the other commenters that believe the accountability is misplaced by focusing on 'the hunter'.
Likewise, the hunted too, must take care to guard his home. The book of Proverbs devotes an entire chapter how and why a man must gurad himself against the seducing woman. The advice to the young man comes from his mother.
Tiya: On what sources/information is your article based? I hate to break this to you, but (some) married men are more often the "hunters" than the "prey". I too have been approached by (and turned away) MANY married men and while I realize there are SOME single women who actually pursue married men, I feel the article you've written is yet another way to blame, persecute and dehumanize a woman who really needs compassion and understanding (even though her actions are inappropriate).
Why not focus on the importance of strengthing the marriage so that when temptation does occur (no matter who the "hunter" may be), it will be worthwhile for that man to walk away rather than take the bait. Tiya, you use the word "passion", but there seems to be nothing in your article about "compassion", "understanding", "love"...these actions not only can protect the covenant called marriage, but it would be useful advice to some of these "hunters" who may feel as though they have to hunt a married man to get what they may feel the man's wife already has ..."love". Since you're a relationship & life coach: MOTIVATE & ENCOURAGE! My suggestion would be you either re-write or create another segment of this article that involves positive solutions for married couples to use as a helpful guide to prevent extramarital affairs; you should also include positive suggestions for women who may be already (or considering) hunting married men. (It might also help if you'd actually spoken with single women who are "hunters")
Tiya: In your practice as a professional, please do not forget to practice without judgement.
I have no problem handing out a strong 'No' when the "Sorry, I'm married" does not work right away...and neither does my husband of 20 years.
After all, nothing had changed? I was going home to my fiance' and then I was going home to my New wife. I lived in the same place and ate the same food. But all of sudden I was wanted by EVERY woman I came into contact with (well, it seemed that way anyway).
The YOUNG married couple must be protected and mentored. Through the Church, family or older married couple in there circle. When the honeymoon period of being a newlywed is over and we fall into our rolls of being a married couple. The hunt begins on BOTH of them.
After graduation, I met someone, we got married. He left after a few months, and got a young girl pregnant (before the divorce came through).
I have had countless married man try and hit on me: I do NOT give them 'soft' No's and I always leave them with a lecture. The other group are the ones that are 'separated' but not divorced.... I give them an equally stern lecture.
I believe married men can appear attractive because they are already 'wanted' by someone and "must be doing something right". Most people shop and buy things that everyone else is buying because "there must be a reason no one else is buying the other stuff".... I am not condoning it, just explaining the attraction to a married person. When I was married and even separated, I wore my wedding ring. The number of guys that hit on me was apalling. When I confronted one of them, he said he thought it was 'costume jewellry'.
Personally, I think everyone should take responsibility for their own actions - be it as a single person or married man or woman. If we all work on improving our self esteem and becoming God centered and STAYING God centered, a lot of what appears 'appealing' will appear less so.
I have no sympathy for and no interest in protecting the hunted. Hunted animals get killed when they are weak, slow, careless, inattentive, and stray from the confines of their packs and shelters. If a man allows himself to fall prey to being hunted that’s his fault. Nobody should have to encourage him to stay true and committed to the vows that he gave. Neither should anyone blame the woman that came along acting as the “hunter”. If she is the type that’s purely seeking married men, she’s probably baited very many of them, but there’s a reason she got the one that she did and that’s his fault, his weakness, his inattention to his family and his vows.
Her actions are surely destructive – but to her own life, goals, and happiness, as SHE is the only person that she needs to worry about. It’s HIS actions that are destructive to HIS family. The collective “we” didn’t propose to his fiancé and stand at the altar making promises, so the collective “we” have no part in helping him stay true to those commitments, and also no blame when he fails to deliver.
People always need support to succeed, I get that, but there is no substitute for personal accountability and responsibility, and there's only one person to blame when one fails himself and those depending on him.
I blogged about it.
http://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/20...