What Relationship Messages Are We Sending Our Children?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My friend asked the question “are single mothers raising their daughters to be single?” She said that question was brought up in the beauty shop (you know we talk about any and everything at the shop). She surprisingly had to admit that she thought she just might be, but not intentionally of course. My friend recalled walking around her house being proud of how she was handling things on her own and what a great job she did raising her children. Those statements, she began to think, may be causing her girls to think they don’t need husbands. They may begin to look at that great job that mom did and say if she could do it solo, so could I. But my friend of course wants her girls to have the best of everything in their future and to her that includes a good husband.
If some single mothers are subconsciously raising girls to be single and independent (in terms of relationships), how are married mothers raising their girls? When that thought came to me, I had to do a quick self-check. I don’t just want to raise them to be married; I want to raise them to be happily married. In order for that to happen there are certain things they need to see in our home, including:
- Prayer and a marriage built on a spiritual foundation.
- A mutual respect; which is shown in how we speak to one another. We never raise our voices to get our points across.
- A true consideration of each other. It is important for my girls to see me tending to my husband’s needs and vice versa.
- A man who knows how to treat a woman. Opening car doors, allowing the woman to walk in first and helping the lady take a step out of the car are small things that both girls and boys should see often.
- Public displays of affection. They need to see mommy and daddy hug, share a kiss and hold hands.
- A true partnership. It is very important that children see mommy and daddy making parenting as well as household decisions together.
Whether we are single or married and whether it is intentional or by accident, we all have to be conscious of the messages we are sending to our children about relationships. Single moms, if you want your children to grow up and build healthy relationships, even if you aren’t in one, communicate that to them. Share some information on what a healthy relationship should include like love, commitment, communication, and trust. Married moms, you are in the perfect position to actually display a healthy relationship to your children. We can use these teaching moments to show our children what good, healthy love looks like.
BMWK, what are you teaching your children (by your actions) about relationships?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Comments (29)
This is another subject but I think a single mother should stay single until her kids are grown and out of the house. My mom did it for me and I probably would be a wreck had she brought men in and out of my life. Not to say blended families don't and can't work but I have heard more horror stories than not and If I had a child out of wedlock I would just make a commitment to them and God to put them first until they are grown and my decisions don't affect them as much.
What about the other side of that equation? A single mom meets a man and gets married. Now with help and support financially, emotionally etc... she's able to give more to her children especially her time. When you're doing it alone it's tough and a lot of single parents don't get to spend the time with their kids they would like because they are spending all of their time trying to provide for them and keep a roof over their head. The greatest part of being married to me is that one of us is always available for the kids and having been raised in a single parent household myself I know in that situation that's not always the case.
And as Lamar put it, there are also those possibilities of gaining more in a blended family situation which makes dating and finding a spouse a huge benefit.
I think as a mother you just need to be discreet on bringing people around your children. Your children are definitely watching.
My mother-in-law raised my husband as a single mother who "secretly" dated(meaning my husband never saw these men) while I was raised in a happily married family with my biological parents. I witnessed my parents show affection to each other, work through life issues together, etc. while my husband was not afforded this. Now as we raise our own children, he doesn't even want to hold hands in front of them as if we are some great secret. I told him that we have to keep it rated G but it is quite alright for them to see that Mommy and Daddy love eachother.
In subsequent discussions over the years, I've come to understand that in addition to the social infrastructure taking place in households, there are also important invisible biological exchanges taking place as well. Every woman knows what can happen to the hormones when two women become college roommates. Every man knows what kind of banter testosterone can produce in the locker room. In the marital union the hormone exchange continues. Many men, myself included, can actually tell when my wife if fertile, by the scent of her breath. As children are added there is more hormonal exchange. When the couple has children the dad's testosterone level adjusts to accommodate the new life. The sustained presence of female and male hormones influencing one another continues to have a bio/social affect on everybody in the household. Likewise, the absence of either will also greatly influence the social infrastructure. I suppose we can shortchange our families when we focus solely on the social influence and ignore the biological reality.
When my boys see me shave in the morning, or study in the afternoon, or kiss mom evening, they are not only learning to shave, study, and love, but they are also absorbing, and perhaps making genetic notation, of a masculine influence on a hormonal level. The very presence of both parents being consistently present may be much more significant than it may appear. The very least I can do is be there!
As a single mother, my mom never really "dated" dated, but that wasn't because she feared bringing another man in the house or around us (I was 17 and my sister was 24 when my dad passed). It was mostly because she felt that she wouldn't find a love like my father's love and respect of her....which taught me to "wait for love" and weed out any Casanovas on my way to finding my prince charming. She taught us responsibility and the importance of planning.
My husband was raised by a single father from the age of 9 but where my mother didn't "date" date, his father did. What he saw was the respect his father had for women period . His father maintained healthy relationships that taught his sons that the little things count. Be thoughtful, listen, be a gentleman. He taught them that women aren't just "pretty things to look at" (his words) and that if you're in a relationship always respect it.
So today, my husband and I are grateful that our parents knew how to show love and what a healthy loving, respectful relationship should be.
Ma’am let me say that I respect that your priority is to safeguard the emotional, sexual, and physical well being of your children. I understand that there have been several cases of children who have been abused by their mother or fathers significant other. I understand that there have been blended families that busted and ultimately failed. I think you have every right to your feelings, and concerns. Only you know the specifics of your situation.
Please know that there are life coaches, dating coaches, and professional family counselors that can help single parents date with goal of marriage while maintaining your children’s safety and well-being. It doesn’t half to be one or the other. You can still enjoy adult companionship within the confines of marriage or dating for marriage while being an outstanding parent. I believe the problem is that both women and men don’t know how to maintain their children’s safety and well-being when they are dating. In addition to professionals, there are also dozens of books on the market that can assist you in this endeavor.
Some ideas for the preservation of your children’s safety and well-being could be:
1. Don’t bring your suitor to your home until you have entered a point in the relationship that leads to being engaged or married.
2. Don’t tell your children you are dating. It isn’t their business. Your privacy should be respected. Tell them you are going to a meeting and leave it at that.
3. Don’t confide in your children especially teens, that’s what friends, elders, family, and therapists are for.
4. Discuss your standards and expectations with the other person about how you would like to proceed with the relationship.
If the other person is parent, they will likely understand. There are several books out on the market about boundaries. I’d encourage you to check them out. The biggest problem is that people themselves lack boundaries and don’t enforce them because they don’t know how to.
Respectfully
Mary
catch 22?
I love your suggestions about our children's safety and well being.
I do in fact believe that many single mothers--especially financially successful ones--feel pride about raising their children alone, because, hey! they're not struggling; the kids have designer clothes, food and Nintendo. All good, right? Wrong. The situation also gives children a false sense of security in case the fit hits the sham and they become unexpectedly pregnant themselves. Often the attitude is, "Well, my mother did it, so can I!" And while black men and black women are pointing the finger at each other about the reasons so many households lack a father, they should stop and ask the kids what THEY think about how strong, independent and proud you feel the next time they cry for their daddy.
BTW, thanks so much for participating in the historic online event, "No Wedding, No Womb!" Together we will be one voice.
Chris
Since the topic has been commented on, I agree with many of the posters, single parents have to be careful in the way that we date. I have only been divorced a little over a year, so I haven't really started dating, but when I do, that will be kept out of my children's lives until the appropriate time.