Who Sets the Tone for Your Relationship?
by Delano Squires
Anyone who has ever taken salsa lessons should know that men are traditionally responsible for taking the lead on the dance floor. This is true regardless of whether the man happens to be a better or more experienced dancer than his female dance partner. This concept reminds me of a conversation I had recently at a friend’s birthday barbecue in which I stated that a man should set the tone for his relationship; I likened the dynamic between a man and woman to that of a thermostat and thermometer. For example, a man who is overly excited about the woman he’s dating might have the relationship temperature up a few degrees too high, and her response (e.g. avoiding phone calls) should be an indicator that he needs to cool things down a bit. Likewise, a woman who expresses her disappointment in the lack of interest or effort on the man’s part is a signal that the temperature might need to be turned up a few degrees. Unsurprisingly, everyone did not share my view on this subject. One person felt that women should set the tone by creating an environment that makes a man comfortable being himself. In her view, women should take the initiative to set the course for the relationship.
To be clear, the conversation wasn’t meant to be an argument about who holds a more important role in a relationship or an attempt to draw battle lines in a fruitless power struggle. I firmly believe that both parties in a relationship must put forth effort if it is to be successful; my point was simply that a man who takes initiative serves as an antidote to the well-worn perception of men being passive participants in relationships. Our culture has taught us that generally speaking, a woman’s natural inclination is to seek stability while men have a propensity to seek variety. Therefore, without initiative on a man’s part a woman might think that she is just his “flavor of the month”. To be clear, the initiative I’m referencing here is not the superficial gestures that some men use as a means to an end (i.e. sex). I am talking about men who take the initiative to do what’s necessary to build a strong relationship foundation. This includes spending quality time, articulating feelings about the woman and the relationship at the appropriate time, and ensuring that one’s words and deeds are in alignment. I believe these types of actions take the adversarial nature and senseless game playing out of dating, courtship, and even marriage. All of these activities communicate to a woman that her mate is in the relationship because he wants to be there, not because of coercion, convenience, or comfort.
Relationships often suffer because of a lack of clarity so a man who clearly articulates his vision or desires for the relationship goes a long way to removing some of the doubt and insecurity that can erode the relationship’s foundation. This is not to say that men don’t need to feel secure in their relationships. I once had a girlfriend tell me she was taking a break from the relationship to figure out whether she wanted to be with me or one of her close male friends who had previously expressed a romantic interest. Needless to say, that experience left me feeling less secure about my place in the relationship. The insecurity I reference here is not in relation to body image issues, the residue of past hurts in prior relationships, or some of the other internal issues that must be resolved on an individual basis. The insecurities to which I am referring are the feelings that arise when there is uncertainty about the status and direction of the relationship itself. Ultimately, both men and women must contribute to the growth and development of a relationship but similarly to dancing, someone must take the lead. Hopefully we won’t step on each other’s toes too many times in the process.
BMWK, who do you think should set the tone for the relationship? Does a man who takes initiative create a greater sense of security in the relationship?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
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Comments (12)
I do think that on the question of clarity, the role of men can be developed. But as a woman, I also see that it is equally my responsibility to play an investigative role when I am dealing with a man who is unclear about his short or long term intentions. I believe that it is possible to mutually collaborate when setting tone or developing a relationship to the extent that having a "leader" is unnecessary. I think one of the major challenges facing black couples today is that some people can be so rigid about the roles they play in relationships. I have dated some men who feel that they should have no role in a relationship if they are not the head tone-setter or the head of the household. Yet these men struggle immensely when they are asked to explain how my role and their role is sooo different that one should be singled out as the leader. I think we have reached a point in history where we are beyond leadership roles in relationships. I mean, what do couples lose when they embrace a model of cooperation, collaboration and equality where are there are no leaders, just partners?
I've taken a few salsa classes over the past few years. I've picked up the basic step pretty well, which makes it easier to stay on track when fancy turns and spins are incorporated. So you can imagine my frustration when I was partnered with someone who didn't catch on as quickly and we began to stumble. It was funny at first, but over time, it seemed as if he wasn’t taking the lesson seriously. Naturally, I began to talk him through it and count aloud, which was his job. As the instructor came by to observe, I was the one “reprimanded” for not letting my partner lead. At the next class, I danced with the instructor, someone who I was comfortable with letting lead because he knew what he was doing and was intent on coaching me along the way so that 1. I became a better dancer and 2. we moved in step, thus making us look good as a unit. It’s nice to think that a couple can move at the same pace throughout a budding relationship, but at some point, one person is going to have to take the lead if they plan to grow. In my opinion, the man should be the one to initiate cranking up the heat. It will give the woman security in her decision to move forward with him…something she’d most likely, by nature, be willing to do anyway.
I think we should also ask why there isn't a tone at all in some relationships. I call any interaction two individuals have outside an exclusive relationship "The Game." These interactions can be casual dating, sexual relationships, etc. What's interesting about the game is that there are no rules. Some folks are in the game to search for a partner, others are in the game just to kick it with someone on from time to time. The unfortunate part is that one person may not be honest in what they are seeking out in the dating experience with another person. This can cause the other person or both to feel like they do not know where their dating experience is headed. In fear of getting hurt or disappointed, they start to hide their cards as if playing Texas hold'em. Hiding emotions or expectations doesn't allow or make it easy for one to set the tone, increase the temperature, or cool things down. Sometimes, when the couple actually enters into an exclusive relationship, they still hold on to the Texas hold'em style play when they should be exposing their cards.
You should not be playing a game of poker in your relationship, because the point is not to be an individual winner. Share your emotions and feelings in order to set the tone together (whether it’s collaborative or one person takes the lead in certain situations). Instead of poker, a couple should play spades. After all, a spades team that can read each other the best has a good chance of winning…together.
What happens when the man just can't lead......... Has no initiative whatsoever, even thought he is highly intelligent or rather accomplished. I recently ended a relationship which frustrated me to the point where my personality was wharped because I so much wanted my partner (the man) to make some decisions. Whatever we did was what I wanted to do and whatever I wanted to do is what we did. Needless to say I soon lost all respect for this man because even thought I am liberated and make my own decisions, I felt like I was raising another son. How does one fix such a relationship and at the same time help this man to "be a man" in terms of developing leadership skills? Will every man ultimately be the leader in a relationship and how will it not destroy a man's sense of self if he is not a decision maker?
To the question of how to help develop leadership skills in a man, I find that the direct approach is a time tested method. You can do things such as asking him to plan an outing, weekend, etc. I also believe that it is a good idea to recognize any areas where he does take initiative. For instance, he might be the type who tells you how he feels about you and the relationship without any prompting but defers to you with regard to dates and dining preferences. Finally, I believe positive feedback is important so expressing your appreciation and positively affirming his actions are good ways to encourage him continue.
I will have to respectfully disagree with you when you say the man should set the tone. I believe that the tone should be set by both parties. I would adjust your example and say both the woman and the man serve as thermostats and the relationship is the thermometer.
It should be a conversation had between both individuals in the relationship discussing what they feel they need in/from a relationship before they get too deep into a relationship with each other. This conversation sets the tone and thus allows the man and the woman to be more aware of when/if he/she needs to adjust their individual thermostat to create a temperature that is both comfortable and conducive to their relationship.
There will be times where one is slightly warmer (or colder) than the other, and that's when the other person has to adjust their thermostat to bring the temperature up to the level of amenity, for the sake of the relationship. We all know there is nothing worse than a house (i.e. a relationship) that is too hot with lustful infatuation, or too cold with hollow emotion.