You 75, Your Spouse 0 (Score-Keeping Gets You Nowhere)
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I might not have any athletic ability, but man, I can keep score like nobody’s business!
After my lack of patience, my penchant for keeping a running tally in my head of all the things I’ve done and all the things my husband has NOT done was probably the biggest hurdle in the first year of our marriage.
You know what I’m talking about. “I made dinner, washed the dishes, got the kids ready for bed, and straightened up the living room, in addition to prepping for Junior’s party next weekend, and all he did was cut the grass. He’s been watching football all day long and I’ve barely got to sit down….” That, my friends, is called Wife 5, Husband 0.
Or this version: “I brought the groceries in the house, I cut the grass and fixed the leaky faucet, and all she does is complain when I want to sit back and watch the game.” Husband 3, Wife 0.
Especially when a couple has younger kids, score-keeping can be a dangerous, dangerous thing. It’s all about who has it harder, whose workload is heavier, who is more tired at the end of the day.
I was very good at this game. My husband would spend two hours outside, cutting the grass, trimming the bushes, edging the lawn and come in the house, all sweaty and proud of himself for making our yard look nice.
Did he come in the house to appreciation from his wife? Nope. I would have two kids hanging off me, at my wits end, with most of their lunch on the floor, and no chance for me to eat. In his mind, he thinks yard work is an important task. In my mind, I think nothing is more important than having two people available to tag team these kids. Me 10, Him 0.
I would have an attitude the rest of the day because his household tasks always seemed to be done solo, whereas mine always focused on the kids and I never got a minute to breathe.
Whenever you find yourself about to run down the list of all the things you do, remember that most of the time, it’s just a way to make yourself feel important. Trust, the other person KNOWS what you do and haven’t done. You just want recognition, which isn’t too much to ask for. How did we quit with the score-keeping? Two ways:
1) Split up household tasks in the only way it makes sense. My husband does the laundry, I make dinner. We both handle childcare tasks like bathtime. Since I get home first, I always make dinner. It makes sense. Since he likes to spend Sundays watching football, he uses that time to wash and fold clothes. This way, we not only know who is doing what, but we know WHY.
2) Give each other credit for everything. Even though we’ve agreed to split up the chores, it doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate what the other person does. I hate laundry with all my heart so I still take the time to thank my husband for doing it. My husband (who is a wonderful cook, but hates it) loves that dinner is usually ready by the time he comes home and he tells me that. This way, no one feels unappreciated.
Are you guilty of score-keeping? How did you change your ways?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
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Comments (9)
We don't split up chores. My wife has cut the grass (I was out of town) but she has done it. I have cooked dinner for months at a time (26yrs in over here). We fall into our rolls after time. We have all went through and still go though "But I asked you to that 20x already, that's why I Just Got It Done". That goes from getting the car washed to making the Dr.s appointment for the kids. We fall into our rolls in a relationship. The problem is sometimes we just don't give credit. I'm still learning to say Thank You!
I came in from a run/walk yesterday (90* & humid in NY) and forgot to set the A/c. My wife happened to get home B4 me, realized that I was out running/walking and turned it on for me to come home to a cool house. I gave her a big (sweaty) hug&kiss and she looked at me quite puzzled? "What's that for?" "just B/c. & Thanx for turning on the A/c".
But I love him to pieces and as long as I feel appreciated, the score-keeping doesn't happen as much. But when I start feeling more like a maid than a wife, that's when trouble starts! :)
1. My hubby does a lot around the house without complaint (I'm actually more of the sloppy one) and 2. (which I learned from another website) to look at chores as blessings. I know it sounds crazy until you think about it. If you have dishes to wash, it means you have had food to eat. Laundry? You have clothing to wear. Etc. Now I try to look at chores as the least I can do to thank God for all He has given to me and my family.