Hate Criticism From Your Spouse? Take It Like A Champ

Relationships

by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on September 2nd, 2010 | 20 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about abusive criticism, but rather comments and concerns raised by your spouse in response to something they perceive as detrimental to the relationship. Got it?

The other day, my husband and I got into an argument about something (can’t even remember what it was now) and I paused in the middle of it. Something occurred to me, so I asked my husband a question.

“Do you think I always focus on what you don’t do, rather than the things you do to help me out around the house?”

BMWK family, before I even finished making the “h” sound in “house” he answered, “Yes.”

Say it with me – daaaaaaaang.

It hurt, because I like to think that I show my appreciation much more than I express my displeasure. But when taking his feelings into account I had to remember the following:

1) His feelings are just as valid as mine. That one’s pretty explanatory.

2) We are a team. If he says there is a problem, then I need to take it seriously. It is not just MY marriage, but OUR marriage. If one person ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

3) Perception is important. While I think I give him enough praise for his good deeds around the house, he obviously feels otherwise. My perception and his don’t mesh, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t both right. Acknowledge it and move on.

It can be hard, but I realize I’m a work in progress. I told my husband that I didn’t want to be the same wife in year 10 of our marriage that I was in year one. I actually want to grow and change and become a better, more forgiving, more agreeable version of myself. I take any criticism or suggestion and make appropriate changes – because I not only want the best for me, but I want the best for us.

How do you handle criticism from your spouse? Hate it? Accept it for what it is?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

I think I handle constructive criticism relatively well, but my husband may say differently. I think criticism should be looked at cautiously as well. If my emotional bank account from Mr. Incredible has run dry, no matter how well meaning is criticism may be, I’m probably going to take it the wrong way, and the same vice versa.

I think the key is to always want to build one another up, and when we do that consistently, even criticism will be taken as it’s supposed to be…not as a detriment, but a challenge to do better.

GREAT article, Tara!
Chrissy0131

I’m kind of not able to handle it, but I’m getting better. I do realize more and more now that I need to look at it from his perspective and not brush his feelings off but take them into consideration so I can work on anything that may be displeasing to him.
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com EPayne

Wow I just wrote an article along very similar lines. It seems that married folks these days seem to be traveling along parallel lines. Very intriguing.

Accepting criticism is hard, period. Strangely people seem more willing or able to take criticism from strangers, such as bosses, rather than those closest to us and those who care the most for us. I think if we add that last part to the equation people will be more willing to accept it [criticism] because considering the source, only good can come from it.

But I’m only talking about constructive criticism, not demeaning, controlling criticism for the sake of criticism. That has no place in any relationship, personal, professional, marriage, friends, etc.
Ronnie_BMWK

I don’t take it well a first… but I simmer on it and then try to make adjustments.
TheMrs

Both my husband and I have this problem and we will both acknowledge that we have this problem in the middle of an argument…he’ll say “you always act like I am attacking you” or I will say “stop getting so defensive all I’m saying is…” Knowing is half the battle(thanks G.I. Joe) and now we have to learn how to effectively react during an argument/discussion/etc. And it doesn’t help that we are both very stubborn(only child marries only daughter…2 super spoiled people) and neither wants to back down or accept their faults but I can say it has gotten a little better recently…
Mrs Smiley Face

Say who now? LOL. I KNOW for a fact that I don’t take criticism well especially if I perceive that it has a “tone” to it, lol. I’m learning though to listen FULLY to where he’s coming from before I start thinking “Oh no he didn’t!” Likewise he knows/is learning I’m sensitive to tone and my ears will shut straight off if what I think I hear is coming from the back of his throat.

Because we are committed though to work as hard as we do on our marriage as we do on our jobs, we’re finding better ways to bring up things that may bother us about each other to each other. It’s not easy, especially with my sensitive self, but I realized I married THIS man and he can’t work on OUR marriage without me helping so…we gettin there, lol.
Sheagod2

There is no “I” in the word Team.
GBaity

I hate it, it’s hard to take at times, because I feel my wife is always criticizing not only me, but others as well. It’s hard for her to see my points of view, and take them seriously, as my views and how I feel. They must make logical sense to her in order for her to attempt to agree or not with them. Very frustrating, but I do listen and attempt to understand hers regardless if I agree with them or not. I try not to criticize her as much. I do believe the “tone” matters in how they are perceived.
Anonymous

Well I’ve been trying to take his critisim as constructive. My doing this usually entails sitting there, shaking my head, silently moaning/agreeing without much input, cause what I’m hearing is usually hard to digest. Well surprise, surprise. A new argument forms…..I’m not listening! Well what do you expect me to do???? I keep asking for strength Lord!
kenspank

You have to decipher whether the criticism you’ve received is an enhancement of your true identity or merely a tool to move you closer to the critic’s personal preference.
13yrHappyMrs.

Tara, all I have to say is thank you. From one married woman to another who has a great (not perfect, but great) marriage and husband and is really working on the “me” stuff, I thank you. My husband recently said the same thing to me and I really felt bad because looking in hindsight, I can definitely feel his pain. Wives, when a husband is open to expressing his hurt at things, listen. It is not an easy task for men to express that part of an emotion so I take that seriously. It doesn’t negate your point, but we have to take their feelings seriously just as we want them to take ours seriously. My husband usedto be the “shaking my head, silently moaning/agreeing without much input, cause what I’m hearing is usually hard to digest” type as well. Until one day I recognized that he was just agreeing with everything I said, but he had mentally and emotionally checked out. I do not want a yes man as my husband and I realized how unfair that was. As Tara said, we’re not talking abusive relationships; but workable ones. And I believe that most marriages are workable. Just don’t check out! Thanks again Tara!
Anna

Let’s face it, some ppl are not good at giving what they think is constructive critisim. Once that is realized we become less defensive, which allows both spouses’ to better communicate the debate. Even the most stuborn spouse can learn this. My spouse and I are living proof it works. Two sturborn ppl always want to get their point across. We sat down long ago to figure out how we were going to fight. LOL. Our debates are actually boring and the kids just laugh. We are getting older and lack the energy sometimes, maybe we need some Activia
Bryan

I admit I’m bad at taking criticism. One thing that my wife and I have discovered is that timing is everything. If we are both rushing around in the morning trying to get ourselves and our baby dressed and out the door, that is not the best time to criticize how I comb her hair. Also, a tip for ladies, sometimes it seems like men are ignoring your constructive criticism, but watch and see if he doesn’t slowly change his actions. Men don’t like to say, I’m going to change. They rather just implement your suggestion and not say anything. Now, I comb my baby’s hair the way my wife suggested. I just don’t feel the need to have a follow-up discussion about it.

Tara, you always supply the thought provoking posts.
Anna

Thanks for sharing. Some men can comb hair better than “mommy”. Usually it’s because he has sisters. I can tell my husband does not have kids because the iron skillet he makes breakfast in, the handel is always turned outword, not sideways. Why he does that is beyond me. LOL. I just remembered I went to see my In-Laws today. My husband and his dad are great cooks, My husband got his not turning the skillet handel inward from his dad. LOL.
Seeking Wisdom

My wife & I have had several conversations & arguments over this very topic, especially since we are opposites in several ways. She has told me that she is admittedly very critical, and that it takes a lot for her to express praise. The scales seem to be unequal here: quick to criticize and slow to praise (or even say “thank you”). Secondly, I consider the tone of communication to be very important; she doesn’t, which adds fuel to the fire. Everything she says has the tone of a complaint/criticism. Third, everything seems magnified because we have a 5 year old son, she makes more money than I do (especially after a recent job change), and because the one she related to the most -her father- died a few years ago. She has not worn her wedding ring in more than 2 months, and has stated to me that “marriage was never at the top of my list, anyway.” In my recent prayers, I received the message to keep my mouth shut, not worry about her actions, and to consider my wedding as a vow to God, which I must honor. BY NO MEANS AM I PERFECT – I acknowledge there are things that I could be better at and I’m committed to working at them. However, I just don’t know what else to do at this point. Please pray for us and offer feedback.
Brenda

I know how you feel. If you say anything he blames you for always bringing up something from the past. You are supposed to just sit there and not say anything????
Brenda

I know how you feel. If you say anything he blames you for always bringing up something from the past. You are supposed to just sit there and not say anything????
Tonia37allen

I don’t handle criticism to well…I tend to always be on guard primarily because he has such a swift, sharp tongue~his words tear my heart up. Then I feel like a kid. I have tried working on relaxing and taking criticism better~it will take prayer.
Swaine

Timing and application is important. You dont “constantly” criticize and talk “humorously” about your spouse in front of friends. What you might think is funny can be hurtful later. If you are constantly finding fault or self-improving your spouse….than it is YOU that has the problem.
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