Should Parents Put Their Dreams on Hold?

Parenting

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter | on September 15th, 2010 | 30 comments

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

I have a couple of girlfriends who have children heading off to college. My friends, of course, are extremely excited. But a common phrase I hear is “now I can finally do me” which leads me to believe they were holding off on doing “them” for a time such as this. I understand if the “doing me” consists of going out every night, clubs, partying etc. Then yes, if you decide to hold off on that I understand. However, if the “doing me” consists of pursuing a new career, going back to school or starting a business, should we really wait to do that? As I thought more about this topic, I immediately thought of Ronnie and Lamar. Because what if, as parents, they decided to put their dreams on hold? What would have become of all the couples they have touched through this site, Happily Ever After and You Saved Me?

I had always believed that every decision I made in my career had to first coincide with my children’s lives. I had to confirm, that whatever it was, didn’t involve weekends, nights or keep me away from my family at all. This thought caused a major delay in me pursuing my coaching career. I now know that I used my family as an excuse when all along it was fear. As I researched training institutions, I found myself critiquing each one and thinking it was too many hours away from home and my children wouldn’t be able to handle that. But what happened instead is that the whole family was on board right away and encouraged me to obtain my certifications.

We may think we are doing what is best for our children by pressing the pause button on our lives, but I find they benefit even more when they see parents who pursue goals and dreams. It demonstrates that it’s never too late and it is okay to step out on faith. When parents are living the lives they want, it motivates children to set higher goals and live with no limits. Will Smith’s character (Christopher Gardner) said it best in the Pursuit of Happyness. “You want something? Go get it. Period.” That was great advice for kids, and even more so for parents.

BMWK, are you guilty of putting your dreams on hold until your children grow up?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

DivineIvy

This article is so timely. Recently during sorority meeting, we had several returning members in attendance. Each woman stood up and talked about how now that their children are grown they can start to do something for themselves again. As I sat there hearing this I started to question my being present. I have two small children, a husband, and a dissertation to write. Should I be here? Is the question that kept looming in my head. Additionally the judgment I get from older women who think and have said to me that I should not have time for sorority, trying to advance in my career and education but instead focus on my children as if because I choose to do those things as well, my children are somehow lacking my attention or nurturing. I’m driven. I want to get the doctorate, write books, conduct seminars, teach, be an administrator, be a sorority girl, shop, travel, AND be a good mother and wife. Do I have to choose? Did those women have to choose? Prioritize yes, of course but do we as women feel the need to choose because of what it might say about us if we don’t?
Dianne M Daniels

Oooh…great question! I have indeed postponed my dreams of entrepreneurship until my children were grown. My youngest is now 19, and because I am responsible for paying her college tuition, I have resisted the call of entrepreneurship on a full-time level because she depends on me. My husband takes care of everything else – he is a great provider. I am pursuing my dream more completely now because I’ve had time to put a mechanism in place to ensure her tuition is paid no matter what happens to my business – and I’m not saying I’m going to fail, but I felt a bigger responsibility to my child than to myself.

Was that wrong? I don’t think I’ll ever know – but if I were to postpone my child’s dream in favor of my own, I think I’d be less happy with ME. There is still time for me to pursue my dream – and I’ve pursued my community activities and a life outside of my ‘mommy world’ continuously, though at a less-intense level when my children were young.

Tough question – and I do believe we as women feel the need to choose because of what it might say about us. If you’ve got the support at home and can make chasing your dreams a full-time endeavor, I say go for it – but have a backup plan and a safety net just in case whereever possible!
Valerie

Type your comment here. It’s fear! I finally realized that I’m afraid of failing. As a wife, mother sometimes it hard to put yourself in order. God, Self, Husband, Children (God’s Order). With a daughter that’s now a senior in HS and a son starting HS, I’m wondering what’s next for me. I need to return to college and complete my degree and start my business. I drop out of college with 38 hrs left to complete due to finances. After marriage, children and continued employment in the field of my degree, I have become to comfortable. I have critical decision to make in my life and I need to let go of the fear! I have all the support at home, there are no tough questions!
Atlbutterfli

I think parents should put their dreams on hold if it requires more time away from the kids than it does with them. I feel we only have one shot at doing it and then they are grown. If possible pursue your dreams or have a system establish BEFORE you decide to become a parent. If we want our kids to carry OUR values and beliefs then it’s our responsibility to teach it to them and not a daycare or nanny for 12 hours out of the day.
Guest

I’m guilty!!!! The good ones do.
Mrs Smiley Face

I don’t think parents should hold off on their dreams. What does that teach your child about fulfilling their lives or teach them about going after what they want in life? Goals should definitely be prioritized as to not conflict with raising your family but waiting years and years and years until after they are gone doesn’t seem feasible or fair. It shouldn’t be an issue of “if you pursue your goals you can’t be a good parent.” You still have a life to live after they leave and IMO it should be spent enjoying your life with your husband not FINALLY paying attention to yourself.

I know too many parents who have become successful while raising smart, loving and respectful children…it’s all about time management and these days we have sooooo many options to choose from while doing this. I shouldn’t be either or.
Mrs Smiley Face

Kudos to you and congratulations! Amen to an excellent support system!

“and I do believe we as women feel the need to choose because of what it might say about us.” — you hit the nail right on the head.
http://www.ericabunker.com Erica B.

It’s not necessarily “fear” with everyone. Yes, I’ve chosen to defer my dreams until all of my children are out of the house. I have 2 gone and a 13 year old to go! So women excel with juggling career, marriage, family, friends, self, etc… I have NEVER been that chick! I chose to become a parent and as a parent, I need to be “PRESENT”. How many busy parents do I see that are “supposedly” spending quality time or being attentive at extracurricular activies, when in actuality they are completely focused on Blackberries and laptops?! Your child(ren) notices that too.

Just like the author stated, “It demonstrates that it’s never too late and it is okay to step out on faith. ” As soon as my last one is out, (if God willing) it will not be too late then to “do me”.
http://www.moneymonk.net/ Moneymonk

I’m glad I went to college before I got married and had a family. I am able to do want I always wanted. Travel, freelance and do what I am passionate about doing!
Cheryl

I absolutely put some dreams on hold when I had my babies. Not out of fear, but out of necessity. In my chosen field, I would have to put in the extra hours, work the weekends, travel,etc. to get where I wanted to go. Before I had my girls, I was all aboard, ready to go. Then I had a special needs baby. Pump the brakes. I have let promotions pass me by so that I could focus on getting and keeping her well. I am in a position that I am overqualified for so that I can attend her therapies and drive her to and fro to various specialists. When she is older and more stable, I will get back on track. I have no doubt. A dream deferred is not a dream denied…
mom

I have shared w/my kids my aspiration of opening a business and how I will need their support and help. They love it. Why would I wait until they are off to college to set out my life goals?
Reggie Williams

Just a thought! I’m wondering how many of these children (and I’m speaking within a marriage) where plan pregnancies. Again, just wondering! If you and your husband had a plan pregnancy, it would appear to me that within the plan conscious decisions about what was priority were rendered. In your plan you either agreed, no we are not going to have kids because or we are going to have children because and you move forth. At this point, you have no conflict about career, children or the consumption of fun because you have a plan in place. Now if there was no plan, then you must bear the harvest of your seeding. Understand that I realize that the best plans oftentimes go astray; and please know that I’m not making any indictments, just trying to understand.

My wife and I are certified marriage educators, so I’m interested in hearing your feelings on my feelings.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

“I have two small children, a husband and a dissertation to write.”

^ 5, sis! I agree with you! You don’t have to choose between them, just prioritize!
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

Well, I was in the military when I had my first child. Shortly after I came back from maternity leave, I was faced with orders to go on an unaccompanied tour to Korea (meaning I could not take my family).

I was nursing, and wanted to continue nursing for a year. My son had some significant medical problems, and I wanted to be present to put my eagle eye on the doctors in his care (GREAT medical staff, but not his mama). That, coupled with some other personal issues, caused me to make the decision to separate from military service.

And guess what? My separation led to the pursuit of new and more exciting things. I would have never encountered BMWK and started writing for them had I still been in the military, for one thing. It would have taken me longer to finish my book, and I would not have had the same amount of quality time with my son.

So yes, in reality, many parents do totally put their dreams on hold for their children. In my particular case, I laid one career down to pick up a dream that had much more purpose and reward in it. I never thought it was possible!

Great article, Tiya! Very thought provoking!
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

Well, my parents had a plan not to have another child for 5 years after my older borther was born. For some reason, that doggone sperm went through a condom, diaphram, IUD and birth control pill…and here I am. LOL

And I guess my eggs are just as magnetic, because my son wasn’t supposed to have been born until right about now, but instead of 5 years, he came along 5 months after we got married. Plans aren’t for punks, but babies tend to go gangsta on them from time to time.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_F7DQAFCMYDGZWCD3RJ2XOYO2EU HarrietH

Let me correct that statement: I was PREGNANT five months after we got married. LOL
http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

This is a great post and deals with the topic that I was going to discuss next week-lol. I do think that you have to choose. I don’t think that it is always a choice between your dreams and your kids but even in prioritizing, you are making choices, whether you want to or not. My kids are always first in the line of priorities so for instance I know that I could make more money and advance further in my career if I took on a longer commute, but I also know that would mean no time with my kids in the evening so I’ve made the sacrifice. I don’t think that it is possible to put your all into a million different things and when we try to there is usually something that is suffering.
It doesn’t mean totally giving up on your dreams, though. My dream was always to be a writer and I write, but I realize that because I am a mother and a wife my family’s needs sometimes come before my own.
Tanya M.

Our oldest son just started college and we have two younger children at home. For years I did everything I could to be accessible to them; I have worked part time jobs in order for time to pick them up from school, focusing primarily on their needs. In the interim, I was able to complete my Master’s Degree trying to prove to myself that I could still hold my own aspirations while raising my children. I realize that they didn’t ask to be born, and that God blessed us with the love of a child and the responsibility that goes along with it. I guess it is less about my ego and more about my ability influence someone’s life. Their lives. My belief is that what God has for you will be for you; how you get their doesn’t matter.
MO

I’m a father and husband who is going through a career change after being a pilot for 12 years.

Barring extreme situations I don’t think you have to put your dreams on hold, but sometimes you have to adjust the speed at which you are moving. That adjustment will be based on your values, priorities, resources, and support system. Your have 24s hours a day, be deliberate in how you choose to spend that currency, take care of your kids ,and feed your soul.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

I understand what you’re getting at, but sometimes (especially if you’re like me and got married at a young age) your dreams don’t present themselves to you until after you have kids. What I thought I wanted to do keeps morphing and changing until I found myself here, writing about family issues and going back to school to become a family life educator. If I never had kids, I wouldn’t have found my passion.

As long as your kids come first, what’s the problem?
Vgrussellsdaughter5

I agree with you. My husband and I did everything backwards (children first then marriage). After the twins were born I went back to school to obtain my associates degree. After that I worked, (sometimes two jobs) and we raised our children. Once the children became teenagers, I was given the opportunity to go back and obtain my bachelors degree. If I had to do it over again would I have stayed in college before I had children…yes. However, I am not sure I would have walked away with the same level of appreciation I know have because I waited. The oldest is now in college, and the twins will graduate high school in two years, somewhere in between there, mamas gonna get her masters LOL
Browni673

Great post. Tough question to answer problem for some its fear and a whole host of other things. I choose to put things on hold. I tried but things got in the way (lack of finances, pending divorce, the children playing tricks on my mom – “I wanna wait until mom comes home to do my homework) – my daughter is 14, son 8 and one on the way. I have a wonderful husband – right now he is getting himself together with regard to school and getting all his American Certificates in Construction (he has overseas credentials but in this tough economic situation it hasnt been enough). I choose to wait – I dont want any distractions. My daugther is very supportive, but one parent gone at a time is more than enough. I commend all those who choose to do both – if you can manage my hat is off to you.
Soul Woman

I 100% Co-sign. I’d also like to add that there is more than one way to accomplish something.

Soul Woman
http://homeiswithinsoulwoman.blogspot.com/
DivineIvy

Sisiter Harriet, I feel you, It was supposed to be a while after we had our son that we would have our daughter instead they are 11 months apart. Plan?? Yea we planned but before that on July 16, 2005, I planned on being a wife and fulfilling ALL my wifely duties. My husband was on 6-8 week count down and went to the follow up appointment with me to hear those magic words “You may resume normal sexual activity”. I was on and taking my birth control pills and our daughter was still conceived.
DivineIvy

Sisiter Harriet, I feel you, It was supposed to be a while after we had our son that we would have our daughter instead they are 11 months apart. Plan?? Yea we planned but before that on July 16, 2005, I planned on being a wife and fulfilling ALL my wifely duties. My husband was on 6-8 week count down and went to the follow up appointment with me to hear those magic words “You may resume normal sexual activity”. I was on and taking my birth control pills and our daughter was still conceived.
Fendigirl

I have a question, my sister in law had her little girl at 15 years of age. She graduated from high school but did not work or go to college. She probably started working at a law firm when she was about 19 and decided to strip at nights when she was 21. She worked in the law firm in the day and at night she worked as a stripper. She worked 2 jobs to maintain a lavishing life style; vacation trips, bought a Mercedes etc. She is now 24 and her lil girl is 7. She is still with her daughters father and they have lived with my in laws up until last year. My sister in law decided to move out Nov of 09 but is moving back to my in laws Nov 1, 2011 (next month). The reason for that is because she decided to quit her day job to go full time to college. She still works the night job but her parents are now left wit her daughter. The husband was not okay with them moving back or her going back to school full time because financially it wasn’t possible. He told her she was being selfish for doing that and not considering the burden she will be putting her family in. Since he works about 45 min from my in laws, my in laws are the ones practically raising their daughter. I don’t believe in having her parents raise her daughter for her personal satisfaction. I understand that in order to become someone or get something in life, one must do or sacrifice something but do you sacrifice your kids?Family? Am I wrong to thing this way? I need some clarity since I’m a single mom of 4 and my in laws (ex) are not part of my kids life. I don’t know if maybe it’s anger since they do nothing for my kids but I do not party or go anywhere just to not leave them. Please help me understand if I’m wrong.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_BMVSEX5PDLUFTTQ4I5HU7EQBFA Cat

I see plenty of women of all ages, married with kids or not married with kids going back to school.
http://www.facebook.com/taia.matthews Taia Matthews

I also get where you are coming from..and maybe I am afraid of failure..but I didn’t realize what I wanted to do with my life till I was 40…With 2 young children and a Hubby on a crazy swing schedule. and really no time to pursue it…I would love to go back to school but there is never enough money of enough time… I love my children and my Husband..but I would love to travel the world unencumbered after I go back to school ( for photography)… and just be me for once in my life..and unfortunately that does not include my family….SO I will never be able to “do me” as ‘they’ say…
Rstan22

Great topic for discussion. I have been married for 24 years and lived my life almost exclusively for my children and my husband. I was a full time wife and mother. Whereas I have been able to successfully support my son to graduate college (woo hoo!) and have supported and inspired my middle schooler to become an A student. Praise God! My own life felt empty. I actually experienced years of walking depression. So, given that I feel it is vital for mothers to have something outside of the family that restores and fills their soul. I feel the children will actually be more inspired to make sure that they too have balance in their adult lives. So, God willing, After all these years I’m getting out of the house and praying I can get MY bachelors degree. Anybody know of any scholarships for Momma’s getting back in the game of life? Be blessed.
AMcAtl

I feel obligated to do it ALL!!! I have a full time job, own a business, have a very active 17 year old daughter, a 4 month old son, a fiance and I do my share of volunteering. I refuse to put things on hold! I just have to prioritize the heck out of my time. My daughter watches me and she also commends me for doing all that I do! I admit I may be a little OCD, but it works. In our house we all have to compromise! Can we ALL do what we want ALL the time? The answer would be NO! My question would be “What legacy are you leaving behind?” We are not promised tomorrow, so I try and live everyday like it is my last!