How To Love The Child You Have vs. The Child You Want

Parenting

by Eric Payne | on September 30th, 2010 | 14 comments

by Eric Payne

It’s easy to love your cuddly, wuddly baby/toddler/lil’ girl/lil’ man. But once that gift from heaven becomes a teenager, oftentimes the game changes completely.

Recently I was talking about teenage boys with a mother I met at a birthday party both our daughters were attending. We commiserated at length about our two boys’, both of whom are fifteen. Their moods, slovenliness, apparent lack of academic desire and eerily coincidental academic struggles. The noticeable difference between she and I was that she was at wits end with her son and I spoke with calm certainty about mine. Eventually she had to stop me and let me know how impressed she was with my apparent acceptance of my son’s issues.

“I actually don’t accept any of his issues,” I quickly responded. “Most hours and minutes of the day I think he’s ridiculous and I don’t let him get an inch with me. But I do accept him…I have to accept him for who he is and work with that versus wanting him to be something he isn’t.”

I have to. Otherwise I’ll go insane.

I was a student and a so-so athlete. My son is a pretty good athlete and a so-so student. Academics, courteousness, and doing chores comes first in my house, but shame on me if I ever shun my son’s desires, whatever they are, for the sake of my own for him. God made he and I for each of us to play our respective roles in each others lives, but ultimately my son is separate from me. What I require is that my son has goals and aspirations and a path to achieve them. And where I am supposed to assist, I will. What will make me proud is witnessing him pursue his dreams with diligence and perseverance. If he realizes his dreams, that will make the journey all the sweeter, but if he does not I will have nothing but respect and admiration for him for giving his best. I pray I am alive to be there for him if he should need his father in either scenario.

I love the children I have. Period. Wishing for a child I don’t have, or the neighbor’s kid or for my kid to act and be another way (which would ultimately make him someone other than who he is) is just a waste of time and mental and emotional energy. It is also a disservice to my child whose needs as my son far outweigh my wants as his father.

When faced with this dilemma what should one do?

Accept
Nourish
Support
Endure
Love

Hopefully through acceptance, nourishment, support, endurance and love you will equip your child directly or indirectly with what he or she needs to succeed in their destined way. God willing after the journey is over and your child is an adult, you can look back on it all and smile.

How do you manage/cope with the roller coaster ride you are on with your teen(s)?

Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler – Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.

About the author

Named a Top 50 Dad Blogger in 2011 by Cision Media, Eric writes about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between at Makes Me Wanna Holler – Man, Dad, Husband.

http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I love this post. My son won’t be a teen for another ten plus years but my daughter is a preteen and even though she has some of my qualities and some of her Dad’s she is also very much herself. I enjoyed dance as a child and kept trying to push my daughter to take it but she instead enjoys sports. I think sometimes we want our kids to be either mini-versions of ourselves or whatever we wish that we could have been. I had to realize that my daughter is not a mini-me, she is herself and I have to accept that and give her the best tools to become the best version of herself that she can be.
T. Walters

I am so glad I came across this post. My son has been struggling with his first year of high school. When I was in school, I had great study habits and always turned things in own time. I excelled in course work and didn’t need any assistance. My son is the total opposite and it has been driving me crazy. Before I knew it …I was asking myself why he couldn’t be more like me. I have to want the best for him and allow him to make mistakes. In the end, I realize he will never be me because he is unique as himself.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D25AM7JPNNFBVFRI5CNG7XLCYM Kisha

Glad I read the post. I have been struggling with my 16 year old daughter who believes she is GAY. I feel like as a mother I dont have a daughter. She is not girly girl type I use to dress up in fancy dresses or nice hair. It has caused me as a mother to feel ashamed, sad, blaming myself, and not accepting her for who she may be. I dont feel comfortable talking to her as we dont have nothing in common. This post have given me courage that I need to: Accept, Nourish, Support, Endure, and Love. And as long as I keep the faith and do my motherly duties I have done all I can.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D25AM7JPNNFBVFRI5CNG7XLCYM Kisha

Glad I read the post. I have been struggling with my 16 year old daughter who believes she is GAY. I feel like as a mother I dont have a daughter. She is not girly girl type I use to dress up in fancy dresses or nice hair. It has caused me as a mother to feel ashamed, sad, blaming myself, and not accepting her for who she may be. I dont feel comfortable talking to her as we dont have nothing in common. This post have given me courage that I need to: Accept, Nourish, Support, Endure, and Love. And as long as I keep the faith and do my motherly duties I have done all I can.
Spenseravery

I’m Not the Parent that my kids want either. Now with that said. I like your list. But I would add DISCIPLINE!

My son (now 15) was touch & go through Elementary School. I was up to the Jr. High School so much that they thought that I worked there. Fast-Forward to 2nd year in High School and he is a clear honors student and very nice young man I’m being told constantly Now.

Looking back onto the problem YEARS all I can see that has change is the fact that I Never Gave up On Him. I never gave up on myself helping him. I WAS that bad kid. That cycle ends with me and I had to put the work in to make that happen.
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com EPayne

You’re right about the discipline. I hinted at that when I said I don’t take an inch of my son’s ridiculousness.
Anna

Great post. My husband and I were just talking about how some kids are just not cut out to be in a classroom, especially boys. As a parent it’s so fustrationg. The teen yrs. are not always fun, each child is different. I appreciate you(Eric) for the five ways to challenge these dilemma’s, most parents do all five things, but we also have to remember to be “paitent’, some kids just need more time to figure out what we were giving/showing them.
Anna

Thanks for sharing. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Be happy that your child came to you to talk about t. I am not a girly, girl,(I don’t wear dresses or pink/red everyday to work)., yet I am not gay. That has nothing to do with it. I do believe that some ppl are born gay, or some were molested as a child by the opposite sex and decided they want the same sex mate. It’s a catch 22. Some may be “tri” bi or just confused. I really do think that a mom/woman has a sense if her child is gay, before the child tells them. My chldren are not gay, if they were it does not mean I would love them any less.
Coachdbailey

As a parent of a soon to be 15 year ago male son all I can do is raise my hand and say preach brother man preach. One of us is not going to make it past this period, lol
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com EPayne

Well, let’s hope you both do. I feel your pain, brother. I really do.
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com EPayne

Discipline came up as something to add to the list. I feel that discipline goes without saying especially as a boy (now man) who was raised nothing but discipline. But it should in fact be added to the list.

Yeah I think traditional, cookie cutter learning formats just aren’t working anymore. I’m not an educator so I don’t have the answer but when you see a child (as you said mostly boys) not doing well in the classroom but memorizing song, relating to something electronic and regurgitating info the way they never could in the classroom then clearly they might need something different than classroom style learning or at least a different style of classroom. But to tailor learning to each student would probably cost trillions and that’s already being spent on war and bailing out big business so there’s no way this is a viable possibility.
Anna

“I made it through the rain”. LOL. If we remember when we were teens (but good teens) it still reminds us what our parents went through with us. No need to reinvent the wheel. Some kids are defiante and some will find ways to melt your heart, while still being sneaking.
http://PATEKPHILLIPECALATRAVA.COM Henry Basn

hey..take it easy.. don’t emotional
Desperate Dad

This is my first time writing on anyone’s blog. I guess it’s come to the point where I need rational advice:
A little about me:
I am a 41 year old black male married for 12 years with 3 children. My mother passed away when I was 18 my step dad when I was 15, I don’t know my father or my siblings.
I have tried to provide for my kids, I believe that you should give your children everything that they earn and make their life better than yours.
My children are 2 boys (young men) 16 and 22 and a 9 yr old daughter. They drive me absolutely crazy! My oldest child is my stepson, but I have been in his life since he was 1 and I can count on my hand the number of times he has seen his actual father.
The 16 and 9 are biologically mine. I guess I expect a lot from my kids because I have no problem providing a lot. The (MC – middle child) has gotten suspended from school every year since 8th grade and now we put him into a catholic school. He went to a lottery school in NJ and because it is prodimately white he says he can no longer deal with it. I think the problem was 90% his and 10% the schools. He never became involved in the school and felt and acted like an outsider and as such was treated like one. Now he is smoking weed, hating me more and more because I won’t “leave him alone” and “stop controlling him”. All he seems to want to do it be a little n-word, and I can’t stand that mentality.
My (YC – youngest child) s mommies little sweetheart and can do no wrong. She is a joy but a little fresh ass. I thought she was supposed to be daddy’s little girl? She barely speaks to me and when I call her on it the mother doesn’t like the way that I address it. I am freaking invisible.
My (OC – oldest child) has had issues all of his life and we have always had a love/hate realtionship. Now as long as he stays out of my way, we’re good. I have tried all I can but I no longer have the mental strength to deal with his BS.
So now you have to crux of my life I hope there is someone out there can provide any suggestions advice before I give up!
Thanks

DD – desperate dad