Babyproofing Your Marriage (How Things Change Once The Kids Arrive)

Parenting

by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on September 30th, 2010 | 7 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

As a 24-year-old who is happy with the two kids she has and is officially done with the whole baby-making process, I frequently get asked if I’m sure I’m finished having kids.

And I’m sure. (Right, Aja?)

Part of the reason I don’t want 3 or 4 or (gasp!) 5 kids is because two kids is all my marriage can handle.

Let me clarify.

I love having kids and so does my husband. But these little buggers are a lot of work!

There’s a lot of day-to-day stresses that occur with running a household and keeping the kids clothed, fed, happy and healthy. I tend to be an uptight mom, who runs by a schedule and expects kids to behave a certain way. When they don’t, my stress levels go way up and I need a break.

Sometimes I like to take my breaks by myself, but other times, a date night is in order.

Man, do you know how difficult it is sometimes to get a babysitter? Besides the fact that my sisters are becoming increasingly busy living their lives and I really don’t think it’s fair to ask my parents to watch my kids every weekend once they finally have an empty nest.

So many couples have decided (unknowingly) to focus their attention on the kids. Once the kids arrive, their sex life fizzles, all of their conversation revolves around which kid did what, and meanwhile they don’t even notice that they’re slowly drifting from Husband and Wife into Roommate #1 and Roommate #2.

Then the kids go off to college and they don’t even know what to do. Who are they? What do they like to do – things that don’t involve the kids?

I don’t ever want to be that couple. I want us to invest as much of ourselves as we can into our kids. Bringing them up solid is my biggest goal in life. But I don’t ever want to lose that spark with my husband. And I feel if we have more kids, that goal is going to be harder and harder to reach.

Granted, many parents have 3+ kids and they have a passionate love life. They make it work. I just don’t think it’s for me. My two are more than enough.

Please share – how have you “babyproofed” your marriage?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

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Comments (7)

Aja Dorsey Jackson Thursday - 30 / 09 / 2010 Reply

HaHa- Great article. I know that this is something we have not mastered and something we continually have to work on but I think recently it has been a matter of rethinking our dates/time together. We don't have a babysitter every weekend so the Friday/Saturday date night doesn't happen a lot, but my husband is off every Wednesday while the kids are in school and daycare, so when we can we make that our date day when we go have lunch and just hang out together. I'm sure this will have to change once I go back to work and we will have to find another way, but the main thing for us is trying to make the most of what time we have together, even if it is just making drinks and talking after the kids go to sleep.
Van Thursday - 30 / 09 / 2010 Reply

I totally agree. Kids are a Blessing but I only had 2 and they are 7 years apart. Relationships and marriages take a real hit when you bring a child into the picture. This happens whether you are trying to or not. Resentment can develop. I had my tubes cut, tied and burned. However, my marriage still was over. I know before I had the kids a lot of things that was tolerable was no longer when we had kids. I just couldn't take it anymore.
- Eloquence Inc Saturday - 16 / 07 / 2011 Reply
  
  Definitely with Van. I don't want to be changing nappies every decade. I gave up riding motorcycles and traveling for years to have my second (6.5 years apart)...and I get wanderlust every spring... 1 of each is more than enough even I am not with the father. I nearly died delivering both so for health, financial, material, and yes romantic reasons I'm done!
Theomzone Thursday - 30 / 09 / 2010 Reply

I hear you - and it's not always easy. I am a married mother of two, the youngest is three, oldest is 20. I recently wrote and article on this topic. http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/whats-on-your-priority-list.php Blessings on your journey
Gbyfield1 Thursday - 30 / 09 / 2010 Reply

Great topic. Father of 4 kids under the age of 7 here. It's definitely not an easy road, but a good game plan of how to keep the marriage alive is helpful. Some of the little ways that have worked for me in the past include: Monthly date night away from the kids 15 minute calls everyday during lunch breaks Watching a show together on TV at least 1-2 per week Leaving lil love notes in spouse's lunch bag on a regular basis Bringing home an unexpected surprise to show your spouse you are thinking of them Exercising together at least twice a month Those are little things that don't require much. Time is a premium when kids are involved so finding ways to keep your marriage alive after they arrive is crucial
Kimmcconic Friday - 01 / 10 / 2010 Reply

I totally know where you're coming from. I had my first daughter in my early 20's. I now have two daughters 13 and 1. We are now going through tough times since we have had our 2nd child. We try to baby proof our marriage by dating monthly, keeping the lines of communication open, and not letting a third party come between us. I try to remind my husband that it is the little things that mean a lot. Marriage is just a like another job, we have to work at it daily.
Lady Elle Thursday - 07 / 10 / 2010 Reply

Now this sounds romantic and more importantly it sounds realistic. These suggestions do not put a dent in my account:) The one that really caught my attention was watching tv shows together. My husband and I have seperate shows that we like to watch. As a result, we are in two seperate rooms watching televion several evenings out of the week. We could be spending time watching a show a two together.

Babyproofing Your Marriage (How Things Change Once The Kids Arrive)

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