Do Better, More Often In Your Marriage
by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
There is a popular saying, “when you know better you do better” that I find to be very true, but not listened to very often. With all the relationship books, counselors, coaches, blogs and workshops, couples everywhere have either read or heard some of the best tips and advice on creating peaceful homes and lasting marriages. Yet, for some reason so few actually apply that knowledge to their relationship. Here a few of our most common relationship issues:
- We know that men and women speak very different love languages, but time and time again, we expect our spouses to want, think, act and handle every situation just as we would. But how can that happen when you are two separate individuals?
- It is a known fact that we don’t possess the power to change another human being. Many of us go into marriages with a complete understanding of the quirks and bad habits our spouses own and it still becomes our goal to turn them into who we want them to be. Just so we are all clear, I’ll repeat, we can’t change another person. But why would you want to?
- The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and for wives to submit to their husbands. Although we may be of different religions, the question still becomes how often do we deny our flesh and practice the laws of our faith in regards to our marriages? We often let our own selfish desires get in the way of doing what is right and best for our relationship.
- After being in a committed marriage or relationship for so many years we learn what our partners need and what brings them joy, but we tend to limit the amount that we give them those things. It’s almost like a punishment of some sort; we only give them what they need when we get what we need. Where is that unconditional love? It works when we consider our spouse before ourselves.
- It is clear most of us struggle to communicate effectively with our partners but we keep it moving like there are no other options. We recognize that we aren’t being heard and that we are also guilty of not listening, but we don’t seek the counsel of a professional or even acknowledge it to one another. Exercises, tools and experts are easily accessible for challenges. We no longer have to accept poor communication in our marriages.
If you know what you should do, why is it so hard to do? Sometimes we believe our situation will not and cannot change so we stop really trying. I want to challenge everyone who knows better (which I am guessing is pretty much all of us) to do better. No more excuses, because now you know. It is just that simple.
BMWK, what do you still struggle with, in your relationship, even though you know better?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
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