Rejection of Correction
by Eric Payne
Being Wrong Vs. Being Wrong
When my daughter and I are alone together and she does something wrong, I correct her and for the most part, she takes the correction. When I’m with my son and I need to school him on a mistake he’s made, more times than not he absorbs what I have to say, or at least he acts like he does.
But a funny thing happens when if the two of them are together. If my daughter does or says something that I need to step in to correct, one of the first things out of her mouth is what her brother did or does. Nearly 100% of the time whatever it is she’s saying he’s doing has absolutely nothing to do with what she’s done. My response to her usually sounds like this:
“We’re not talking about your brother right now. I’m talking about what you just did.”
If I have to get on my son about something he should be doing around the house, his reaction is a little different. Particularly in the kitchen where the majority of his chores exist, he throws up the shield of “Mom, didn’t do x, y, z.” Or “She left her plate on the counter.” My answer typically goes something like this:
“Okay, great, but what has that got to do with what I’m telling you to do, right now?”
Moving up the ladder to my wife, things just get straight thorny. There are times either while witnessing my wife in action or listening to her recount something that happened in her day when I will suggest that she might have said something differently, handled herself differently, or avoided a conflict by performing steps A, B, and C. And what does my wife do? She tells me what I’ve done wrong anywhere from two days ago to two years ago. In the past this would be the spark that lit the fuse for a dynamite showdown between us. We’d go to bed angry and she’d still be wrong for whatever it was she did, and then I’d be wrong right along with her. Now (as often as I can) my new and improved response goes something like this:
“Then you should’ve corrected me back then.”
Dead Wrong In My Duties
If I’m jaywalking and a car comes flying down the street toward me, I wouldn’t stand in the middle of the street debating with my wife the last time she jaywalked, or proclaim, “You ain’t my mama!” I’m still wrong for jaywalking and the longer I stand there sticking to my guns, the higher the probability I’ll soon be a dead man. As extreme as this example is, what often appears to be a minor wrongdoing and not “worth” being correct, can have the potential for catastrophic consequences.
My job as father and as husband is to lead, guide and protect — to be a covering. I would be DEAD WRONG in the execution of my duties if I didn’t speak or act when I saw any member of my family “jaywalking” in their lives. I don’t do this from a mindset that I’m never wrong. Nor should it ever be taken that because I am wrong in my own affairs I should not have a say in the lives of the ones I love. But in my own life and in overhearing the lives of others I often hear people rejecting correction by telling that other person what they’ve themselves have done wrong while in the moment of being wrong.
Correct Out of Love
When dealing with my family I correct as a father who loves his children dearly and only wants the best for and from them. I am doing it as a husband who loves his wife and wants to see her avoid as many pitfalls as possible. And I expect the same from my wife. So to build up a “bank” of wrongs your spouse has committed and then not tell them is to create a store of missed opportunities to provide love and care to the one with whom you pledged to become one. All for the sake of winning an argument, not being wrong, or being less wrong or making it clear that no one has the right to correct you? In a marriage? Of course, no one wants to hear that they are wrong. And how a tough message is delivered makes all the difference in the world. I don’t always get this right myself. Responsibility lies on both the corrector to deliver their correction in a way that can be properly received, and the offender to be of the mindset that your spouse is correcting you because he or she loves you. This is something that must be discussed thoroughly in advance of offenses so that when these moments come, and they will, both parties will recognize and accept what is happening. Then you will at least have the knowledge that will allow you the opportunity to avoid the desire to react when correction occurs. Ultimately if all involved parties dig their heels in and reject correction, it can lead to a breakdown in communication, which ultimately will create other unnecessary problems.
Correction shouldn’t be rejected. It should be expected, especially in marriage. But it should be fair and balanced. It’s not about being wrong, it’s about getting it right and getting to right.
How do you manage being wrong? Do you/how do you correct the ones you love in your home?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler – Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric writes NYC tourism articles for NYMetropolista.com and is a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
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