Avoiding Divorce In 10 Easy Steps

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Michele Weiner-Davis has made it her mission to show married people that divorce is not always the answer when facing a rocky relationship. She’s a relationship expert featured everywhere from CNN.com to Redbook to Essence.

I got an e-mail from her last week with the subject line, “10 Steps to Avoiding Divorce.” Knowing she’s usually on the money with her advice, I had to check it out.

Most of her tips were pretty self-explanatory, but I like to assess how I’m doing periodically, to give my relationship an extra boost. How are you doing with these tips? Need improvement or are you 10 for 10?

1. Spend time together. Weiner-Davis warns that if you stop getting that quality time you run the risk of losing your friendship with your spouse.

Check. We’re gotten much better over the past year, learning from some early mistakes in our marriage. Now we take time to just “be” together, whether it’s movie night or snuggling in bed before we fall asleep.

2. Have sex. Pretty self-explanatory. Weiner-Davis says you better get it on!

Check. We’re good here. *wink*

3. Touch. Now, this one is different than #2. You gotta make sure you hug and kiss and cuddle and all that good stuff.

Hmm. Well, I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of person (unless we’re engaged in #2, above), but my husband’s love language is definitely physical touch. So I have been trying to make it a point to give extra hugs and kisses that have nothing to do with the bedroom.

4. Flirt.

No check. I’m not a good flirt  anymore. I don’t know what happened, but I suck at it. It’s on my to-do list to improve, though.

5. Talk frequently.

Check. This one was hard for me because my husband is definitely of the “Say as few words as possible to get my point across” variety. Like, dude is QUIET. But he’s trying, because he knows quality conversation (note: quality) is important to me.

6. Give compliments.

Shoot, man. I do try. I just…fall short. *adding this one to my to-do list as well, plan to shoot hubby a “Damn, you look hot!” comment tomorrow*

7. Take a marriage class.

Haven’t done this one yet, although I want to. I know there’s something we can learn in terms of our communication, and understanding each other.

8. Handle conflict constructively.

Check. I’m happy to say we can check this one off the list.

9. Focus on the positives.

I am soooo much better at this one than I used to be. Yay!!

10. Do “real” giving.

This one is pretty much following along the lines of the 5 love languages. It requires giving your spouse what he or she needs, regardless of whether you feel it’s important. I can check this one off the list. I have been doing my best to give my husband the physical affection he needs to feel loved, even though I don’t personally need as much physical touch to be happy. But it’s about what he needs, so I’m happy to oblige.

How’d you do, BMWK family? Who out here had a perfect 10?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

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