Why The Silent Treatment Gets You Nowhere

Relationships

by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on October 18th, 2010 | 15 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

It’s happening in households all over America.

A couples is having an argument. Big or small, it doesn’t really seem to matter as the end result is the same.

He argues his point. She argues hers.

They are getting nowhere.

She folds her arms and shifts to one side. She’s had it. She’s done. No matter what she says, it’s not going to make a difference.

“You know what? I’m done,” she says. She turns on her heel and leaves the room.

The silent treatment has begun.

But is it effective? Will her husband come to her, admit he was wrong, and then they kiss and make up? Or, more likely, does it make him think she’s being childish and he shouldn’t have to be the one to cave in?

So why do we do it? Why does it feel so good to give the other person the silent treatment, even though we know it won’t necessarily solve the problem?

It makes us feel in control. We feel like we have the upper hand because we’ve put up a wall that our spouse can’t climb.

But ask yourself: is that really what you want? Do you want to be right or do you want to be together? Because it being right is your main goal, then your marriage is going to be short-lived.

The next time you’re in an argument and stuck at an impasse – take a deep breath. Pause. Reflect. And remember – the silent treatment makes you feel big for a moment, but what does it do to your partner?

Have you been guilty of giving your partner the silent treatment? How did you fix it?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

Mslady332004

Yes, *waving my hands*. I’m guilty of giving the silent treatment and no, it does not work. It will worsen the argument and create a hostile environment for the household and everyone in it. If you love your partner and have a commitment to the marriage/relationship, there should be nothing that stops you from communicating with your partner. The saying goes, when you’ve stopped talking, you’ve stopped trying! LOL
Vdr608

I am trying but I get tired of repeating the same thing over and over again, cuz they never get it.
Reggie Williams

Having to be repetitive is an extremely frustrating thing (been there, done that and I feel ya). However, it isn’t our responsibility to get our spouse right. Our responsibility is to continue to live by what is principally right and be prayerful that in time the truth will resurrect for your spouse; subsequently changing their behavior. It is also our responsibility to love our spouses through those issue that we continue to be repetitve about.

As for the silent treatment it never works, it just worsen a difficult situation.

http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Dianne M Daniels

Yes, *waving my hand* I, like Mslady, have been guilty of giving the silent treatment. I also agree with her that it DOES NOT WORK. Quite often, my poor husband has NO IDEA why I’m upset, and as long as I keep silent about it, WE cannot fix it. Often, it’s a simple misunderstanding – taking offense at something not meant to offend. Talking it out makes all the difference – he learns what sets me off, I learn that he’s not TRYING to set me off…we adjust and move on.

I also agree with Reggie that we have to repeat our feelings / thoughts / actions as often as necessary to change the pattern of communication. I find for me that when I’ve calmed down a bit, it’s much easier to discuss what has set me off…and see it more objectively. There are certain hot buttons that take me from 0 to extremely angry in 1.2 seconds, and unless I tell my husband when he’s pushing that button, he might never know. It is not EASY to avoid the silent treatment, but it is SO WORTH IT!
Wllcdwn

Please, I have a man that just doesn’t get it. The silent treatment keeps me from having to go off daily. It works for me and he understands when I am upset, he better figure out exactly why. I can go silent for weeks
Ronnie_BMWK

I agree ..it does not work…at some point you have to communicate and work on the problem..it will not go away during the silent treatment.

But sometimes it gives me time to reflect and work things out in my mind.
Masters_christy79

Ive tried the silent treatment it only works for a little while i’d rather talk my problems out and get it over with and get to the making up part then to be mad at my husband all day or night.
reefinyateef

While I agree that putting up a wall is a no-no, sometimes some silence and distance is needed to simmer down and be able to approach a problem rationally.
Mooregirl919

Hi! im new up here but i must say i am guilty of it too…i never really took the time to see what it does to him…but after reading that i will now take it into consideration his feelings…We have been married 10yrs now and im learning something new everyday about the both of us…i jus glad to know that im not the only one who is going thru the same thing…it takes two and when do have to have to make sure the the other is doing their best
katehess

I did this once and I felt SO bad after….because once I started to reflect and put myself in my husband’s shoes, I was so hurt and realized I couldn’t bear to do such a hurtful thing to him again…it’s not worth it…and yes, it is so counter-productive….
MoWash

I have tried the silent treatment and extended it all the way through the night. I slept on the edge of the bed and woke up with a sore back and him barely noticing that I was giving him the silent treatment. Bottom line, retreating hurts me and doesn’t change him.
http://chocolateroseonline.wordpress.com Dona

Guilty… I have given and been given the silent treatment in my marriage. I have gone without talking for atleast a day ( I know that’s not good) but I had to so I could gather my thoughts and try to process the things that had been said or basically process what the issue was about. After that I can approach the issue and communicate more calmer.
Jonesi

It seems as though the “silent treatment” is viewed as a punishment. My perspective, sometimes there’s nothing else to say. At some point you realize, no matter how much your spouse’s views, actions, words, etc. effect you (in this case assumably in a negative manner), there is nothing you can say, do, cry or beg for to change that or stop it from happening again. So…silence seems more like a natural result of understanding. I can admit that it may not be the healthest long term resolve, but it’s more peaceful than frivilous arguments – besides, do people really spend their lives addressing the same issues repeatedly?!? (Serious question) Doesn’t mean that union won’t survive or even loves each other less than those that choose to battle to the finish line of that issue. As for me, I don’t feel like wasting the energy. I don’t walk around with a chip…it just is what it is. What more else is there to say – literally?

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@Jonesi – When I say “silent treatment” I mean: being stubborn, refusing to make eye contact or even talk to your partner after the argument is over, after he or she tries to make amends with you. I don’t mean taking time to cool off after an argument. That is to be expected. But to completely shut down and to go days without speaking? I don’t think that helps anyone…But to each his or her own.