4 Love Lessons You Should Have Learned Before You Got Married
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
One of the reasons I am so glad Black and Married with Kids.com exists is because it sparks a daily dialogue around marriage – how to handle common problems, how to express love to your spouse, how to bring back that spark, etc.
Without BMWK, I would probably still be making some of the same mistakes I was making when I was fresh off the honeymoon. I always tell my husband that I don’t want to be the same wife from year to year. I always want to grow and get better.
There were some aspects of love and marriage that I should have known before I got married, but they’ve slipped my grasp. I have no clue why it took me so long to learn these lessons, but I’m glad I learned them sooner rather than later:
1) I am not God. What I mean by this is that I am not perfect. I do not have a list of 10 Commandments that my husband needs to abide by or risk being smited. I started off my marriage feeling like I had all the answers and if my husband would just listen to me, it would be smooth sailing. But alas, I’ve since learned that if I don’t begin disagreements from a mindset that “My word is law,” we can usually come up with a solution to any problem.
2) Conflict is inevitable. As I’m learning in my graduate “Family Theories” class, conflict is inevitable in families, due to the close proximity and strong emotional ties. Conflict is also healthy for families, because it allows us to grow and mature as a result. Of course, not all conflict is created equal and any verbal abuse should not be tolerated.
3) Marriage is a daily commitment. You can’t put marriage on auto-pilot. It would be so easy if you could and I bet a lot more marriages would last if we could just set it and forget it. But alas, marriage needs our daily attention. If it lacks that daily attention, it’s all too easy for it to slip to a week, then a month and next thing you know you’re haggling with an attorney over your assets. Every day, your spouse should feel loved. Every.day.
4) Don’t let the little things linger. This is a cousin of the “Don’t let little things become big things” mantra. My mindset is that if you let the little things linger, they tend to pile up and THAT’S when they can become big things. Recognize which issues you can live with and which ones you can’t – nip those in the bud quickly.
What about you, BMWK family? What love lesson should you have learned before you got married? What did you struggle with the most in the early years of your marriage?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
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