Money Monday: How Do You and Your Spouse Communicate About Money?

Money

by Lamar Tyler | on November 15th, 2010 | 5 comments

by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters

Yes we’d egged our dad on. My brother and I were the vocal cheerleaders encouraging his decision to purchase the burnt orange Lincoln standing on the used car lot before us. We’d never thought we’d ever be the owners of a luxury car.

Never mind the fact it was nearly seven years old and had been in an accident. A fact made obvious by the driver’s door that sported a slightly different shade of orange than the rest of the car. No we fell in love with the power windows, the fully cushioned leather seats, and the tape deck. Did I mention the clean whitewall tires? Yes this car had it all. Sure we overlooked the cracks in the “leather” and the fact that it was a gas guzzler. To us it was cool.

So there we were giving our dad all the encouragement he needed to pull the trigger. A couple hours later we rolled off the lot grinning from ear to ear in our burnt orange Lincoln. But we had no idea what awaited us at home.

That’s when my brother and I discovered what happens when an immoveable object meets an unstoppable force. My dad met the full fury of my mother’s anger. She was none to pleased over the purchase of an ugly, over priced, gas guzzling burnt orange car. The drag out, knock down fight between the two taught me the most important lesson of life. If you want a happy home, make sure both parties in the relationship are on the same financial page.

They say a house divided against itself can not stand. When couples can’t agree on money issues everything else suffers. This explains why money problems are a leading cause of divorce. But reaching common ground about finances is more difficult than it sounds. What do you do when he’s a spender but she’s a saver (or vice versa)? How do you deal when one spouse is trying desperately to be frugal while the other is busy running up credit card bills? What do you do when he wants the plasma television but she wants to pay down the family debt?

BMWK, How do you and your partner deal with money? How do you make sure you see eye to eye when it comes to the family finances? What do you do when he wants the burnt orange Lincoln and you want to remodel the kitchen?

Every Monday you can find great insight and tips on managing your greenbacks by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters of MochaMoney.com here on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Mrs Smiley Face

My husband and I have both joint and separate checking accounts and joint savings accounts (retirement, emergency, vacation) We put a certain percentage of our take home pay in each account in order of importance but we pay ourselves (savings)first automatically through payroll deductions, for us this is easier than budgeting because you don’t really “see” the money being deducted, you just get to play with what’s left over.

Our agreement is that any major purchase (anything over $500) cannot draw interest and has to be paid for in full with “personal funds.” Any major purchase that comes from “our account” is to be discussed and paid in full at time of purchase. So if he’s buying the burnt orange Lincoln and our insurance is paying for it, we’re talking about it. Likewise if I’m getting a new kitchen…it’s not happening all willy nilly.

Our credit card balance cannot exceed a certain amount per month, unless agreed upon and must be paid in full before the next cycle. The majority of our bills (the ones that have the option) are set up to be paid automatically through our joint checking, so that cuts out the finger pointing of “you were ‘sposed to pay that.”

We are working on cash and carry and gettin’ better at it…we’re still a work in progress but we’re gettin there.
http://www.izania.com Roger Madison

There is no “right answer” to the question you pose, just because the answer is a complex mix of differences in the makeup of two individuals. What must happen to avoid family bankruptcy (financially and in the relationship) is an agreement about long term goals that both spouses can live with. Even with the best plan, there will be crises that arise due to unforeseen circumstances. If the two can agree on a few basic principles, then the crises can be resolved based on the principles and not character assasination.

What worked for our household was a separation of “personal dicretionary spending” but a common commitment to family necessities like the mortgage and utilities, food, education for the children, and savings for emergencies. We have separate personal bank accounts. The decisions about what car or clothes to buy have always been personal decisions for both of us. The decisions about what house to buy, or new furniture, or remodeling the kitchen were joint decisions — even involving the children.

My wife shops constantly for “bargains.” Everything she buys is “on sale”, but she is free to make those decisions separate from the joint commitments we have made. So, our personal spending motivations are different, but our “family values” are the same. We have managed to use those common values to avoid extremes that would create a crisis. We have gone through job and career transitions, but always with common long term goals.

My only recommendation to those beginning this journey is to agree on some long term goals that represent your “family values” — such as the future purchase of a home, college education for the children, investment strategies, savings for emergencies. When stress occurs, you can revisit your long term goals and use them as anchors to make adjustments that might be required when you get off course. This will minimize the impact of those diappointments that will inevitably occur when one spouse makes one of those “financial decisions from Hell.”

You can proceed with an approach that recognizes that this too will pass, and get back on course.
http://twitter.com/meikame Tameika

I think this comes down to communication and shared goals. I think finances was the linchpin but I wonder if they had discussed purchasing a car at all. She, as you say, may have been thinking of another purchase, or paying off the mortgage early or just saving more. So without sharing those desires with one another, they couldn’t agree on a plan of action and be a united force.
Dedra

Have seperate everything! My husband and I go 50/50 on everything. Money is one thing that takes us to another place in our wonderful relationship. So we decided that we would split everything down the middle and if one person is short we help the other out. It may not work for all couples, but our attitudes towards money is so different that it wasn’t worth fight all the time over. We came up with a solution that works for us and I think all couples should do that before they end up in divorce court over money. If putting your money together is scary for some couples then don’t do it. I didn’t get married until I was 32 years old. I was used to taking care of my own finances and investments. Early in our marriage I could see that money and spending habits for the both of us would be a problem. I’m glad we came to a solution that works for us. It took a few years of yelling, but we finally got it together. I think if you and your spouse take time and get real about money and issues that it brings and what your expectations are then most couples should be able to solve this difficult problem.
Anna

He makes it, I spend it. LOL. You all know that is not true. Dedra I got married before I turned 30. I had kids already. I have my own accounts and credit cards in my name, and my own cars. Not really a good idea, but I love being seperate yet equal. I have so many ppl of different ages call the office I work at and say” “my husband/wife died”. Probate is not fun when you are married and things are in only “one spouses name”. It feels so good to know I have cars w/titles in just my name, plastic cards in just my name but, it’s not a great idea. Statistically woman out live men. Back in the day a man took care of his wife and handled everything. The surviving spouse does not have a clue what to do when they did not over see or take notice in something as simple as writing a check to pay the bills. In todays world woman are taught to be independent and to put things in just her name. If you don’t have a “Living/Will get one. You can fill it out and get it notorized, you can even buy it at Office Max.
LOL @ Lamar, maybe the woman wants the burnt Orange Lincoln and the husband wants the new kitchen. I came home recently with a new car, my husband could have cared less, it’s my car payment. But I have to care for the both of us. In a marriage “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is yours”.(I now get it) don’t make it harder after death for the surviving spouse to have to make copies of your death certificate to get their name on something that was already theirs(when the two of you were married before death did you part).