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What Stepmothers Are Stepping Into

Parenting

by  |  on November 30th, 2010  |  25 comments

We ran across a great article over at Psychology Today by Dr. Harriet Lerner and wanted to share it with you. You’ll find an excerpt and a link below but just in case anyone was wondering being a stepdad is no joke either LOL.

Excerpt:

Here are three key things you should know about being a stepmother:

First, it’s very hard to be a stepmother.
Second, it’s really, really difficult.
Finally, it’s much harder than anyone can possibly anticipate at the time they decider to marry a guy who just happens to have kids who come along as a package deal!

It’s a myth that the children and adults will just blend right in and feel comfortable and acknowledged in a new stepfamily. Stepfamilies are complex on every front-historically, emotionally, logistically, financially, practically, you name it.
The potential for competition, jealousy, loyalty conflicts and the creation of “outsiders” within and between households is built into the system.

McGoldrick puts it this way. If your stepkids are young, or if you’re very lucky, you may develop a parent-like relationship over time. If this happens it’s a wonderful “extra”-not a given and not something to be expected.

All that should be expected is that stepmothers and stepchildren treat each other with courtesy and respect. It is the parent (not the stepparent) who has the responsibility to see that this important expectation is enforced.

If being a stepmother puts you on the edge of a nervous breakdown, don’t think it’s your fault. Stepmother’s labor under expectations that no mortal can live up. For more help on the subject, see my book, The Mother Dance.

For the full article you can click here…


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (25)

  1. Anonymous Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    Thank you so much for this. I am a stepmother of a 7 YO little girl. When I met my husband, she was 6 months old. I never even dated a man with kids, let alone thought I would marry one. But because she was so young, I didn't think it would be that bad. But it has turned into one of the biggest issues in our marriage, especially since I don't have or want kids of my own. It gets so bad that sometimes I regret getting married to a man with a child and probably would not do it again if I could go back in time. I have made a commitment to my marriage and divorce is not an option. But my advice to those considering marrying someone with children is to get everything in writing before going down the aisle. Not necessarily literally, but communicate what the expectations of both parties are and make them clear before "I do."
  2. Political Pete Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    MrsRW, Intereseting insight. Do you feel that the relationship is more indicative in your desire to have a DINK household or the child? Pete (What up Lamar?! I'm still here lurkin in the shadows lol)
  3. Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    @MrsRW- I think this article is important. Too often people act as if blending a family is an easy job and it's not. There are a lot of people that are going through it. I would tell you to keep in mind that your daughter won't be in the household with the two of you forever. When you and your husband are old and gray this will only be a blip on the radar of love and commitment that you would have shared over the years. Your advice on communicating expectations beforehand is extremely important. How will we parent? how will we discipline? what's expected etc... @Pete- I've been wondering where you've been. Don't be a stranger to the comments section LOL.
  4. Carlie878 Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    Being a step-mother IS really hard, as MrsRW my step-daughter was very young when my husband and I first met (2 yrs old), she's now 11. I thought that would make a difference in helping to form a more "parent-like" relationship between us. But silly me forgot how much her bio-mom would rather kill me dead then actually let her daughter be close to me. But I do what I can, and try to remember what Lamar said, we only have 7 more years until she's off to college and then its just me and my hubby. That's really not a count down sounding off in the back of my head :)!
  5. Janisciaj Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    OMG. You all are preaching to the choir. I met my husband 6 years ago. He had 4 kids. I had 2 kids. My kids were more open minded than his were. We get along well. But if I had to do it again, I wouldn't do it. It was hard work to get to the point we are at now. Not to mention, as Carlie878 stated, bio-mom can't stand me. I don't understand why, considering she left a good man and he introduced himself to me. There has been some days I wished I would have kept it moving and not involved myself or my kids in this situation. But my husband is a wonderful man and has made up for it.
  6. Staycee2 Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    T H A N K Y O U !!!!!!!! It felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders!!!! This a very hard JOB and even more hard when the ex-wife has passed and the kids are now living with you. What's even harder is that you don't know what the mother told her kids about you (the stepmom)!! WOW!!! I'm feeling pretty emotional right now and want to cry!!!!
  7. TheMrs Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    I am a proud mother and stepmother!!! My husband and I have 5 kids together and he has 3 children from previous relationships. I did not know what I was getting myself into, but as a lover of children it didn't matter to me at the time. My stepson is now a very young adult(18) and my stepdaughters are 15 & 16. I can honestly say that I do love my stepchildren and believe that I treat them the same as I treat my own children. I attempt to have cordial relationships with their mothers so that there is a consistent relationship between the kids and my household. Although I try to smile through it all, it has not always been an easy blend. 2 of the 3 older kids had jealousy issues about the amount of time that my children had with their father, the things that my bio-children had, and the stability of our household. My oldest stepdaughter actually said that she doesn't mind having all these siblings(her mom has 2 young children) but she wishes she was amongst the younger kids because it was at that stage in life that both her parents finally got it together and it's time for her to go off on her own soon and she didn't get to experience it.
  8. Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    We got your back Staycee2 and you're not in this alone. That's why I was glad I found this article and why I really wanted to share it.
  9. MrsJM Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    I too am having issues with my step-daughter's mom. She is 7 and I've been in her life since she was 3. Her mother is so very hateful and I really don't know how to remedy that. My husband doesn't get along with his ex at all, they are barely able to speak to each other, so he isn't much help. I just don't want my sd to grow up having to feel pulled in two directions. We have a pretty good relationship now and I would like for it to stay that way.
  10. Blended101 Tuesday - 30 / 11 / 2010 Reply
    I feel like i am being pulled from all different directions. My daughter doesn't care for my husband and we have been married for a while. A lot of our arguments are about my daughter, i think becuase she 16 yrs old and wants to explore. This is so stressful.
  11. happypeople Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    I had to read this article. i'm a step mom & it's very diffcult. A lot more diffcult than what I thought. My stepson & son are a month apart they are both 7 years old. You would be amaze at the drama the mom bring when he is with us. We treat our kids the same..but it so different when one is not in the household all the time. When there is a different set of rules at dad house than mom stepson can't handle it. As soon as his mom calls the blame is placed on me & my son! It has gotten so bad that at one point in time i felt like giving up and he is only 7
  12. thinknabtblendg Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    this article couldn't have popped up at the right time. I have quite the dilemma because I am engaged to a man that has a daughter who is 12. At the time when we started dating I she stayed with her mom and spent time with her dad whenever she wanted. I tried to be her friend but I kept getting the side eye glances and she always made comments about me coming by the house while she was visiting her dad.I took this to mean that when she was visiting with her dad she wanted it to be just her and her dad-so I gave them their space. I remember what I was like when my father dated...I was very critical and I was an adult. Plus I see the way she treats her mom and I am not ready to put up with that drama. Now he is talking about getting custody of his daughter. One I have raised all of my children (23, 20 and 19) and certainly wasn't thinking about raising anymore. I have been raising children since I was 17-I am ready to live life, travel, see the world do all the things I missed out on because I got married and had children at a young age. I love him but I trying to figure out how to tell him that I don't want to get married until his daughter is grown. And don't get me wrong, I raised other peoples children while I was raising my own, so I love children. So this just confirms what I thought about being a stepmother-I will not be doing that/this.
  13. lexusv Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    I am a shall I say mature....OK 50 y.o. first time step mother to a wonderful 12 y.o. daughter. We get along fine which I am sure has to do with the fact that she now lives with us. The mom is angry about the situation, but it was decided for everyone. We have been together for 2 years and we have worked out an understanding...I make all the rules for her ;o) She is accepting of this because he is an agreeable child, b) she is very motivated by money and what it buys her c) she is needy and likes closeness. She is very torn and hopelessly devoted to her mom (very other weekend and split vacations) I don't tread on that ground at all. I have her call me by my first name, and I don't inquire into their relationship. I think this is a successful relationship because it is built on truth from me to her. I tell her and her daddy (husband) what I feel when I am feeling it. It is not for the faint of heart, but I think it fulfills my maternal needs and lets me play out my motherly role. I love her like my own, and she is very reciprocative in that feeling (at least when her mom is not around LOLOLOL I am glad she has come into my life.
  14. Lkhintonsr Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    This is also true for step fathers. Especially when you have a mother who is ULTRA over protective of their kids.
  15. Michele Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    OMG, Carlie878, let me tell you! I am a step-mother of a young boy of 15 and a step-daughter of 12. I don't have any children of my own and are struggling getting pregnant with my husband. Bio-mom is mean, evil, hostile and vindictive. My step-children have nothing bad to say about me to my knowledge and I think that's what bothers her the most. Her and my husband can't stand each, what's a girl to do in situation like this. She's never tried to get to know me. Bio-mom is re-married and supposedly moved on with her life. However, she still tries her hardest to make our lives miserable. Please keep me in your prayers.
  16. Dimples_76 Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    Thank you for this comment. I am engaged to a man who has a 12 y o daughter and she has been totally receptive to me. However I have not met the mom yet and I do know that my fiance and the daughters mom do not have a good relationship at all but he does have full custody of the daughter and the communication with the mom is very limited. I dont have any children of my own yet and although I have been optimistic about having her as a "daughter" but reading these comments has me shaking in my boots. But reading your comment helps bring a positive aspect. I hope and pray that my situation is the same as yours.
  17. Ally Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    I am a step mom of a 11 yo and my husband has custody over. It was difficult in the beginning b/c I am a disciplinarian. I have 2 ( 12 & 7 now) kids of my own and when my husband and I were dating (he was 6 at the time), I felt as though his son was spoiled and not independent. It was hard. I compared him to my 2 kids who could function independently. Where as he need alot of direction. It took alot of patience to bring my self to expect less in a sense from him. He did not grow up with me like my children and he has to learn me just like I have to learn him. Now he's just like my own baby. B/c his mom isn't consistent in his life, I have to me a 'mom' figure and give him the nurture, love and approval that doesn't come natural when you have a step child. So..all that to say..yes it's hard being a step-parent.
  18. lexusv Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    @Dimples, it can be a very positive situation. My husband and his ex have no relationship except a financial dependence from her onto him. I was very truthful and honest with her from day one. I think I noted in my previous note that we ended up meeting at a court ordered therapy session because the mom didn't want the girls around me. Well two months later she was living with us. She was 10 at the time and totally focused on how the new status benefitted her ;o) I let her know that I was aware of it and it would benefit her totally as long as she showed the proper amount of respect, honesty, cooperation. She has since bloosomed into a real sweet younglady who loves to be held and comforted and understood. She still loves her mom very much and it confuses her when she see the vast difference in her lifestyle and choices and mine. I hide nothing from her, so there are never big blow ups over something that has been uncovered. It is working for use and I wish the best for you and your situation. Good love is hard to find!
  19. Dimples_76 Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    That is a great response. Good love is extremely hard to find and my fiance is everything that I waited so long for and his daughter is such a thrill at this time. I will definately keep in mind what you said about your transition. As long as there is mutual respect and cooperation then it should be ok. I dont know what to expect from the daughter's mom. I know that it will not be a perfect transition, but I am already praying for it to be as smooth as possible.
  20. Roxysmom Wednesday - 01 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    This was a great topic for discussion!My step son was 7 when my husband and I started dating. Initially, he only stayed with us on holidays and in the summer. After his mother remarried, she abruptly decided that he needed to come and stay with us permanently. All of my step son's anger and confusion was taken out on me. I always treated him as if he was my own and made every effort to develop a good relationship. His attitude caused confusion in our household and unfortunately, my husband just wanted to "keep the peace." Eventually, I decided to stop stressing about it and waited for graduation to come:) I agree with the other comments, upfront communication is the key. I also think that we all would have benefitted from counseling or some type of family therapy. To all the step moms: HANG IN THERE:) It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it!
  21. CoaCoaKure Thursday - 02 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    To "thinknabtblendg" I say don't do it!!! RUN!!! I am now separated from my husband and a big part of it was due to the blended family issues which started with a HUGE custody battle that seemed to go on forever!!! Not to mention that money spent in legal fees and therapy fees!!! Oh and of course like all the others the bio mom hated me and poisened my sd's mind every chance she could get. Honestly...if you were not intending to raise anymore kids I say don't. I know you love him but will the love be enough???? I know that if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't.
  22. Anonymous Thursday - 02 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    i have this overwhelming urge to go and watch Stepmom on netflix... wow...
  23. LorraineManley Sunday - 05 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    i feel u on this situation i still going thriugh some of this now and guess i will still be until the other parent past on
  24. Doesitmatternope Monday - 06 / 12 / 2010 Reply
    i am lucky in the regards that i don't have the drama of the bio-mom however i was wondering what articles or advice you have for blending step-fathers into the family mix as dad is god in my son's eyes and now he has become sullen, and gives back talk to me and my new hubby but if dad comes around all is magically done...which frustrates my hubby and causes conflict when he tries to use corpal punishment to make my son see reason/ im not a fan or corpal punishment /used to be but as my son gets older (he is ten now) i am trying to reason more with words....... any advice??

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