Quality Time: Do You Agree On What It Means?

Relationships

by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on December 9th, 2010 | 6 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Lately, I’ve been trying to stop and smell the roses.

Or, more accurately, stop and pay attention to my husband.

You see, if I were to say to my husband, “We don’t spend enough quality time together,” he’d balk.

“What do you mean?” he’d say. “We spent quality time together last night when the Lakers game was on.”

BMWK family, what he calls “quality time” was really him laying on the couch, watching the game and me on the computer, returning e-mails and catching up on work.

I don’t consider that “quality time” – to me, it’s more like “being in the same room.” When I think of quality time, I think of hand holding, quality conversation with no interruptions. Having my husband pay more attention to Kobe than he does to me doesn’t quite fit my expectations.

But again, my husband’s defintion of quality time doesn’t have to fit mine. We’re two different people who receive love in different ways. (Shout out to Dr. Gary Chapman for drilling that lesson home!) I have to admit, much of the effort in the first few years of our marriage was about me getting what what I needed in the way of quality time.

I accept our differences. And trying to force him to value the same things I value (deep, quality conversations and opening up about our feelings) without trying to give him love in the way he desires? Well, that can lead to a frustrating marriage.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations for him, so I will try to meet him where he is. At least some of the time. Perhaps the simple act of laying on the couch together (yes, while the TV is set to ESPN) is all the “quality time” he needs – it’s the simple things that he enjoys in our marriage. I’ve never made the effort to enjoy his version of quality time – maybe it’s time I start?

GO LAKERS!

BMWK family, do you and your spouse have the same definition of “quality time”? If not, how do you meet each other halfway?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love. (She promises you’ll like it – guaranteed or your money back. LOL)

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

Lkhintonsr

I don’t know Tara, I understand that being married includes compromises. However, when it comes to the subject of quality time, I feel that there should be a middle ground that the couple can come to.

Meeting him where he is, IS compromising, but are you compromising your needs?

Are you be truly satisfied by experiencing quality time the way your spouse enjoys it?

Isn’t it possible for your spouse to experience quality time the way that you enjoy it too?

I’m a divorced father of four and I now find myself in your shoes with my fiancée. Her idea of quality time is: We ride to work together, or we’re together when we do things with the kids, or We watch TV in our bed before we sleep in bed together…

I’m not feeling that. I find that when I attempt to meet her where she is, I don’t feel fulfilled and it doesn’t feel right for me. Searching within, and thinking about why I was feeling that way, I saw that I wasn’t getting what I needed from quality time…

I’m not referring to sex, I’m referring to unplugging from the world and reconnecting with your spouse.

I’m referring to that warm and fuzzy-blissful feeling of closeness you feel with your spouse when it’s just the two of you lovin’ on one another, laughing with one another reconnection without outside disturbances, (work, kids, bills, life, etc…) getting in the way…
Vdr608

I agree. It has to be compromise on both sides.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

I actually went back and edited the post. Excuse me for the lack of clarity.

Of course I believe that each person should try to give the other person love in the way they like to receive it.
Jaclynbrwn

My husband work together and drive to and from work together. So I can sympathize with him when he just doesn’t wanna spend anymore time together!! But in order for us to feel like we are not just coworkers and friends, we need that emotional reconnect occasionally. We both will compromise if the other feels really strongly about reconnecting…if I suggested it, he will put forth 100% even if he would rather be working out. And vise versa…sometimes he just needs to lay his head in my lap and let me run my fingers through his hair to feel connected to me, even if I am in the middle of a great book!! Its so worth the compromise!
Castingtimeout

Hi, this is Stephanie from MysticArt Pictures – we are a casting and production company in Burbank. I’m writing because I’m casting a new family show, and I you might be a great resource. We are casting a docu-series called “Timeout” for a very major network and was hoping to tell you more about it. We are looking for couples who have at least 2 kids between the ages of 7-17, and where one parent feels they might be a workaholic. This show promises to be transformative and uplifting, giving parents the tools to maintain a healthy life/work balance.

I would be so appreciative if you could let subscribers of your website know about the opportunity, or if you can think of anybody you know personally who might fit the profile. I have attached our flyer with more information. Any email blasts or word of mouth would be so helpful. I’m happy to discuss the show in more detail if you have any questions or concerns.

Thanks again!

–
Stephanie Lewis
818.563.4131

TV CASTING: ATTENTION FAMILIES

Award Winning Company, Mystic Art Pictures is seeking Families who desperately need to reconnect for a New Ground Breaking Series! This is an opportunity to have your life changed and your family transformed!

****MUST HAVE MINIMUM OF 2 CHILDREN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7-17
****MUST LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AREA!

If you answer, “YES” to any of the following questions, we would love to consider your family for our amazing new life-changing series.
-Are you a career woman who is also trying to balance your home life?
-Are you a parent who’s torn between family and career?
-Are your kids complaining that you are never home?
-Are you worried that you are missing important events in your kid’s lives?
-Is your spouse working too much and leaving the parenting up to you?
-Kids, do you miss Mom or Dad because they are always working?

…We want to hear your story!

To have your family considered please email;
a FAMILY PHOTO, CONTACT INFO, & BREIF DETAILS ABOUT YOUR STORYcastingtimeout@gmail.com or 818-563-4131
or visit http://www.mysticartpictures.com – to apply for “TIMEOUT”
Castingtimeout

Hi, this is Stephanie from MysticArt Pictures – we are a casting and production company in Burbank. I’m writing because I’m casting a new family show, and I you might be a great resource. We are casting a docu-series called “Timeout” for a very major network and was hoping to tell you more about it. We are looking for couples who have at least 2 kids between the ages of 7-17, and where one parent feels they might be a workaholic. This show promises to be transformative and uplifting, giving parents the tools to maintain a healthy life/work balance.

I would be so appreciative if you could let subscribers of your website know about the opportunity, or if you can think of anybody you know personally who might fit the profile. I have attached our flyer with more information. Any email blasts or word of mouth would be so helpful. I’m happy to discuss the show in more detail if you have any questions or concerns.

Thanks again!

–
Stephanie Lewis
818.563.4131

TV CASTING: ATTENTION FAMILIES

Award Winning Company, Mystic Art Pictures is seeking Families who desperately need to reconnect for a New Ground Breaking Series! This is an opportunity to have your life changed and your family transformed!

****MUST HAVE MINIMUM OF 2 CHILDREN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7-17
****MUST LIVE IN LOS ANGELES AREA!

If you answer, “YES” to any of the following questions, we would love to consider your family for our amazing new life-changing series.
-Are you a career woman who is also trying to balance your home life?
-Are you a parent who’s torn between family and career?
-Are your kids complaining that you are never home?
-Are you worried that you are missing important events in your kid’s lives?
-Is your spouse working too much and leaving the parenting up to you?
-Kids, do you miss Mom or Dad because they are always working?

…We want to hear your story!

To have your family considered please email;
a FAMILY PHOTO, CONTACT INFO, & BREIF DETAILS ABOUT YOUR STORYcastingtimeout@gmail.com or 818-563-4131
or visit http://www.mysticartpictures.com – to apply for “TIMEOUT”