5 Reasons Why Seemingly Loving Marriages Fail

BY: - 30 Dec '10 | Relationships

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by Linda Dominique Grosvenor

Marriage was created to be a lasting institution; however, in this age of modern conveniences, people tend to put less and less effort into making a marriage work.

But for those who want to make it work, avoid the pitfalls and grow older and deeper in love, here are 5 reasons why even seemingly loving marriages fail.

People come into the relationship determined not to change. Some people are so stubborn, prideful and set in their ways that nothing you tell them or show them in black in white is going to change them. They don’t want to hear about compromising, or least of all make the effort to compromise. When you come into a relationship not willing to compromise or hear the other person’s point of view to possibly work out an issue, it’s really over before you even say “I Do.” Marriage in essence “is” compromise, so, those entering in marriage with the intentions on remaining unchanged are strolling in the wrong park.

Sometimes people believe the negative stereotypes they’ve heard about marriage. For example, when you get married you’ll have almost no sex or when you have children the quality time an attention between the couple will automatically decrease -then they’ll start living and acting it out. Couples need to refuse to let stereotypes seep into their marriage, mainly because a husband or wife is not going to spend the entire marriage trying to prove wrong the stereotype their spouse has bought into. You don’t get married to prove something – that adds unnecessary stress.

Every couple prepares for the glorious wedding. They get the color scheme just right, make sure they’ve got everything they want on the bridal registry and that their bridesmaids are all lined up in a row, but many fail to plan for their marriage. Lots of people get married simply as the next step after saying “I love you.” Many have no vision for the marriage itself. They can’t even guarantee that they’ll grow old with their spouse because they haven’t thought that far ahead. Marriage takes learning and continuous growth. Talk about the future, your desires and dream before you tie the knot. Invest in your own marriage. The dividends will be a lasting marriage that will be a testimony for many who don’t believe an institution like marriage really exists anymore.

Many couples, although they’re individuals with free will, fail to be honest about who they really are and what they really want when they’re dating. The person they marry doesn’t even fully recognize them once they’re married and their true personality emerges. You’ve heard people say, “He changed after we got married,” when in actuality their true personality emerged after the marriage. If you want someone who is compatible with you, show them who you are from the beginning. That is one of the main ingredients for a happy marriage.

If you’ve ever seen a couple where the man and the woman do what they want, with whomever they want, it is clear that there are no boundaries in that relationship. Marriages in which the couple refuse to sit down, talk and set boundaries have a greater chance of ending in divorce. Not setting boundaries is like not having a fence around your house and leaving your front door wide open–anybody can walk in and rifle through the things you hold dear. Boundaries are designed not to keep tabs on your spouse or limit them, but rather to keep those who may not value the marriage as much as the couple does, completely out.

Linda Dominique Grosvenor is the author of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate (Feb 2010) that has been called, “unadulterated spiritual relationship guidance for modern times.” Her expertise on dating and relationship issues have been used in articles for publications such as Modern Bride, Honey magazine, The Houston Sun and MORE Magazine. She is a blissfully happy wife married to her soulmate Calvin and enjoys writing books that help assist people with having the best relationships of their lives. Visit her website at http://www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com/.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2193 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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14 WordPress comments on “5 Reasons Why Seemingly Loving Marriages Fail

  1. Cass

    I know they listed the best answers possible but in the end most of the time it can all be concluded with lack of communication. You have to talk to your partner and be honest.

    Reply
  2. Timrohr Guam

    Any encouragement of marriage is desperately needed in these times when the institution is under attack as never before. Thanks for sharing this.

    Reply
  3. Grorie

    I find this article so true, anorther area that needs to be discussed is expectations. If the couple doesn’t discuss them either before marriage or early into it there will be issues. For the last 10 months I have discovered that me and my wifes expecations on marriage were not lining up. Needless to say this caused strife and has placed us on the brink of divorce. Marriage is and will always be the best insitution for man and woman, it has been created by God to be a perfect union. The problem is we as humans sometime do not put the work in to allow the marriage union to grow and both get our needs meet within the marriage. I wish all married couples love, communication and prosperity in the new year!

    Reply
  4. Denise Berry

    Excellent article!
    …I have never really considered that someone would set-out determined NOT to change… I would think one of the most exciting aspects going through the journy of life with a companion is the sharing environmently, physically, spirtually, wholisticly producing growth/change…

    Reply
  5. Pingback: The Love Journey » Featured Content: Interesting Articles on Relationships

  6. Michaelericmarkland@gmail.com

    From the decline of my own marriage I have learned that Compromise is a skill you must master AFTER you are married.

    (Compromise: something that someone Accepts because what they Wanted was unattainable.)

    In hindsight: the ultimate solution is Negotiation.

    Negotiation: the bargaining (Give and Take) process between two or more parties (each with it’s own aims, needs and view point) seeking to seeking to discover a common ground and reach an agreement about a matter of mutual concern (ideally before you get to married)

    So working it out in marriage is lovely but negotiating it before you sign is sublime.

    Reply
  7. Nora Femenia

    I really agree wholeheartedly with your proposition:”They cant even guarantee that theyll grow old with their spouse because they havent thought that far ahead. Marriage takes learning and continuous growth. Talk about the future, your desires and dream before you tie the knot.”    
    This sharing would guarantee that both know each other’s needs and  make a commitment to help each other to:
    a) heal the wounds of childhood (giving love where the person went lacking before)
    b) help each other develop as a balanced person;
    c) be able to negotiate such needs with each other in a frame of respect by doing fair fighting.
    I offer here a free download of my ebook: “Fair Fighting” as a way of providing tools for healthy marriage conversations. You can get it from:  http://creativeconflicts.com/ebook05/05_Ebook.pdf  

    Reply
    1. suggal

      I did before…and he started doing, everything on my unacceptable list, less than 30 days after the wedding…

      Reply
  8. Amy Harman

    Great advice in this article! I especially like the idea that you need to show your true self to the person you’re dating if you want to have an honest relationship in the future.  I think talking about expectations for the marriage is a MUST before tying the knot.  I’m a fan of pre-marital counseling!

    Reply
  9. Monique Bradford

    Wonderful Article.  Everything you said was TRUTH!  A great way to prepare for marriage is with pre-marital counseling.  It opens up communication about what marriage is and you get to find out what your partners view of marriage is.  

    Everything in this article is TRUTH!  Love it!  

    Reply
  10. Onedestiny777

    This article is really about unrealistic expectations. The title should have indicated such. But good infofor people considering marriage.

    Reply
  11. Kenneth D. Price

    My sense that marriage fail primarily for one reason – the two failed to become one. This oneness is the essence of sacrificial or agape love; a love of the marital union and one’s partner that completely shatters one’s preoccupation with “self-love”. Love of self cannot co-exist in a changing, uncertain world with the love of marriage. As long as self-love is a part of the operating motivations of a partner, the marriage is vulnerable to circumstance: a wife’s cancer that leaves her without a breast; a husband’s paralysis; a co-worker who skillfully manipulates the emotions of a insecure/unstable spouse; the death of a child; financial ruin; etc.

    I go as far as to submit that sacrificial love can overcome all other influences, including the five flaws listed above. For instance, people might indeed marriage with an inadequate understanding of his/her partner. And yet, when confronted with this frailty, agape loving couples can conclude, “We both lack something that the other would desire. And yet, we have established a bond. And in that the Lord says that he will perfect the things that concern us. He also assures us that whatever we have bond on earth, will be bond, that is, honored, in heaven.”

    Show me a marriage with 1, 2, or all 5 of the above challenges, and I can show you a marriage sustainable and able to evolve out of the boundless work of sacrificial love. Show me a marriage that lacks sacrificial love, and I can show you a marriage that is dead on arrival.

    Reply
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