What To Do If You’re Not Comfortable With Your Spouse’s Friends Of The Opposite Sex

BY: - 20 Dec '10 | Relationships

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Ladies, I’m here to tell you – it used to make me crazy uncomfortable that my husband had so many female friends.

He’s a very, very nice guy so he has a TON of friends – male, female, black, white, Asian, old, young. In general, he is well-regarded by everyone he has ever met.

So it’s no surprise that as the “nice guy” everyone knows, he has more than your average number of female friends around. I’ve since learned to get over it, but there were two definite truths I had to accept before I was able to be buddy-buddy with the “other” women in my husband’s life:

1) These friendships served a purpose. Whether I was ready to hear it or not, his friends gave him support through good times and bad. When his mother died, his friends (male and female) banded together and took care of him, taking turns to check up on him to make sure he was okay. When he graduated, his friends were so proud of him.

AND

2) These friendships were in place long before I arrived on the scene. So while it was always awkward to hear their “inside jokes” about events that took place before I knew him, I realized that they have history together and no amount of pouting from me was going to change that. So it was best to just ask questions or get clarification so I didn’t feel excluded.

If you understand those two points and you’re still not too thrilled about the friends of the opposite sex, here’s three more tips for you:

1) Figure out what your real problem is. Are you nervous that one day, like Sanaa and Taye in “Brown Sugar,” they will realize they are perfect for each other and leave you in the dust? If so, you need to get over it. Whether it happens or not is not your concern and trying to block their friendship only adds stress to your plate.

2) Create boundaries that make you more comfortable. Tell them that texting makes you uncomfortable and would prefer if they only spoke on the phone. Lunch meet-ups are acceptable, but dinner dates are a no-go.

3) Befriend their friend. If they call the house to speak to your spouse, chit-chat with them for a minute first. Ask how they’re doing.

Overall, if your spouse is keeping your relationship their priority and is doing their best to make you comfortable, it might be in your best interest to build yourself a bridge…and get over it.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog (she promises you’ll like it) to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson

http://www.theyoungmommylife.com

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She\'s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she\'s too tired to remember.

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25 WordPress comments on “What To Do If You’re Not Comfortable With Your Spouse’s Friends Of The Opposite Sex

  1. JF

    I’ve been involved in a situation just like this. My lady always had a problem with me having female friends and being cool with women. I had worked in about four departments in a hospital, but this hospital is like 80% women, so I was always in an office of all women. My personality is very open. I like to talk to people, engage them, understand them…I’m very social, but that didn’t sit well with her. She felt that I was purposely trying to befriend women. This led to many issues, many near break ups etc. I have a few thoughts I’d like to share on this topic.
    1: Many women (black women, im sorry this is my experience) have a general distrust for men. I’ve heard women say that men are weaker/dumb to the advances of women, which I can somewhat agree with. I’m not saying men don’t get these women reason to feel the way they feel.
    2. Some women believe at most men will cheat if given the opportunity, so they try to keep their men tied down somehow, by attitude etc. Ladies: If a man is a cheater by nature, then he will cheat. You can’t keep anyone from doing anything. A person will find a way to do whatever they want, if that’s what they want to do. So, stop trying to “keep him from doing anything”. This is where your choice in men comes in and where trust comes in. And do you want a man that you have to ‘keep’ from doing anything anyway?
    3. Ladies, don’t forget that maybe what attracted you so much to him, attracts other people. If he got you because he is charming or a warm person, honest person, social person, then he is going to stay that person. That’s who he is. Don’t expect him to stop talking to people and being nice and to stop being charming and open etc just because you are with him. You’d be asking him to not be himself. I understand that you wouldn’t condone things that look like flirting, but dont’ expect him to change completely. I remember I was told by a group of women coworkers that they liked how I was so warm and nice and open etc. They talked like that was a great quality to have, but with my lady at that time it was a bad things because it always caused issues. When a man feels like he can’t be himself, THIS is what is going to cause issues. With a lot of men I know, if he feels like can’t be himself and be honest with you (like tell you about what happened during his day and talk about the conversations he had with people, or women), then he won’t tell you about it. You’ll feel that he is keeping things a ‘secret’, but he will feel that he is just trying to avoid conflict, arguement, stress, break up etc. Now, eventually, as it’s always the case, something will come up where you find out about this and it will seem even worse, like he’s living a separate life. We don’t want this of course, but he may not be thinking about what may happen, he may just be thinking about how to get through the day. Note: If your man is to the point where he is just trying to ‘get through the day’, then you are in a dangerous zone and that zone leads to problems.
    4. Think about what his connections are to these other women, new or old. What is it that they talk about? Are they just cool day to day at work or school or do they have a connection, dialogue, conversation. If you and your man have differences, especially big ones, then maybe he gets satisfaction from his conversations with different people. If you aren’t into music and he’s a big jazz man or he’s into art and you’re not etc, that’s perfectly fine, but don’t be mad if he talks to other people about those things. If you don’t want him to talk about these things that he has a passion for because he’s talking about them with women, now you don’t want him happy/satisfied in those ways. If you don’t satisfy him in those ways and then you don’t want him to be satisfied in those ways, you will have an unhappy man that will grow to resent you, which will cause big problems. Now, in a serious relationship I would suggest that men try to at least attempt to befriend more men and not “try” to talk to women so much, but sometimes women gravitate towards a certain kind of conversation more than men and vice versa.
    5. Evaluate yourself and be honest with yourself if you are jealous or a little insecure. Sometimes a man will do things that are inappropriate and you are perfectly in the right for having an issue with it and wanting it corrected, but sometimes these issues are all in your mind, just meaning you’re making them more dramatic than what they should be. Example: a guy goes to a women to ask her opinion on something and they have a conversation about it. If you are insecure it will register as “you WENT to her to initiate this conversation/dialogue.” it seems worse than what it is, but if this is how you think, then everything will be more dramatic.
    6. You need to be extremely secure with yourself and your man and relationship if you want it to go to the “forever” level, marriage. Forever is a long time and if you feel you’re going to be his only friend, then you are being unrealistic and a bit selfish. I’ve seen that some women are more ok with that idea than men. Maybe its our difference. I’ve heard a woman tell me ‘YOU’re my friend’. As sweet as it was, and it really did touch me, I still felt “you’re my friend too…but I still like having other friends” Maybe this is just a man/woman difference. I don’t know.
    7. Men suffer in silence. Men aren’t always vocal about their issues, so when you think everything is fine (because to you it is because you benefit), he will really be very unhappy and may act in a relationship changing inappropriate way. Now, I don’t condone cheating. I always say to end it before you cheat on someone. I must say this: When a man is unhappy in his relationship, he starts to see things differently. When any other time he saw a beautiful women he would look at her and it’d be nothing, now her beauty will strike him differently, his thoughts may be different. When he’d be at work or out somewhere and a woman gives him a look or hits on him or gives him a complement, where he would have just laughed, brushed it off, now these things mean more to him. When he used to talk to or hang out with other people, other women, and he would use it more as a chance to learn/build or entertainment, now he finds his only peace and happiness in these moments, wants them more, relies on them…Relies on them…This is the danger zone. A man will suck all that arguement up and push it inside, he can act on ‘his best behavior’ and deal with insecurities for the first year or so, but sooner or later he is grow tired. What he does from there is on him.

    Now, this is just MY opinion, perspective, from my experiences. I’m not trying to group all black women together, I’m not trying to offend anyone. Yes, I do understand issues with men and where we are responsible. Yes, I do understand that many/most/damn near all men seem like they have these issues and it makes it hard to trust them and that men DO do things to question them, myself included, but I felt I needed to address this topic in this way right now. If the only way you accept a critique on women is by first hearing men being torn down, then that’s another problem that should be discussed.

    I feel men are always villified in discussions about relationships, but sometimes there is a logic/pathology to why we act a certain way. Not all men are just by nature liars and cheaters. Sometimes their women feed these actions. I feel that some women perfectly place their men in the arms of other women.

    That’s all I have on that. Sorry it was so long…

    JF

    Reply
    1. Queen

      I understand what you mean about women with insecurities but what if it is a “new work connection” (couple of months old) who the man talks to on the phone on his way home from work, sends text messages back and forth throughout the day.  He is her “go to person” for the issues going on in her personal life….is his mate insecure or tripping if she feels like it is inappropriate for someone in a relationship to have this type of relationship with a single female?  

      Reply
  2. latoya

    Tara, I feel like you are in my head today. Ive been struggling with this issue for two months now. It all started for me when I came across an inappropriate FB message between my husband and a female friend of his. I had never before heard of her but I later learned that she was an old girlfriend and that they reconnected through FB. They went out to lunch together and apparently had some discussions about their past relationship. I dont believe that anything physical happened between them; however, reading the messages they sent to each other has made me very uncomfortable. I eventually brought it up to him and we had a very honest discussion. The thing is that my trust level has been shaken up a bit. They are still in touch and it makes me somewhat nervous. I know that I can only control my own actions and how I respond to lifes trials. However, it is taking me some time to get over.

    Reply
  3. JF

    I’ve had a situation similar to this with me and my wife. This internet thing is really to relationships as far as how to conduct oneself. It’s just so easy for something to sound wrong or be taken the wrong way online. I’ll be honest. I had a myspace issue before with a woman coworker. We’d send messages and chat and, to me, everything was innocent because I knew my intentions, but things don’t translate the same. It looked like I was having or building a relationship with this woman, that’s how it resonated with my wife. The thing that made things worst was the other woman kinda gave me ‘too much attention’, you know. Like, public messages, those little glitter happy friday type ones, but to my wife it looked like she liked me or something. She asked to read our messages so I let her and things written down don’t come off as innocent as one may have thought them. So when she sees a message from late at night it looks wrong, when that was actually the time we both got off work, so that’s when I was up. I’m half puerto rican and she was latina so the way we talk and words we use with each other can come off as flirty when in our culture it’s just how we talk. Everything just looked wrong. That almost broke us up. that was before we were married actually. My Ex used to email me like once every six months or some out of the blue stuff. We had a really bad break up with the way she left me, long story haha. If I emailed her back i would sound like every time is fine and my life is fine, I think she wanted to feel like I was more devestated than I was, IDK. But, to my wife that looked like I was trying to build a relationship etc. This internet thing is really difficult to navigate. I read that like 50-75% of new divorces use Facebook in the case. People are breaking up over this internet world. Either things look worse than what they are or people actually are living separate lives and flirting etc. Its been over a years later and I still haven’t built her trust back completely because once that trust is broken or even chipped, it makes it where anything that comes up that looks bad will bring you back to that same old feeling. I hope all works out with your relationship and that nothing is going on. Sometimes men don’t think. We try to ‘take care’ of a situation that we feel isn’t that important or may cause problems, but that is what will cause a problem down the line. I have a problem with this. Some men need closure and for things to be talked out with an ex that should be private some what so that the new woman doesn’t feel he still has those feelings, but those feelings may need to be expressed to heal something. Again, I don’t know the situation and I don’t want to give unsolicited advice. I just hope everything works out with you guys, the trust builds and the communications grows…Peace

    Reply
  4. latoya

    JF, thanks for your post. It is really great hearing from a guy’s perspective. I do realize that things can be misunderstood and taken out of context especially over the internet. However, when someone posts something online that is obviously flirtatious and they tell the other person to “delete the message when you’re done reading ;-)” then I have a problem. You said that “sometimes men don’t think.” Do you believe that men are unaware or clueless to when a woman is flirting or that the ego boost you get from it is worth whatever repercussions are to your marriage/relationship?

    Reply
  5. JF

    You are right that some things are obvious and shouldn’t be taken lightly. We can’t say anything we want and just say “oh, I didn’t mean it that way”. My wife would say that men are totally unaware to the advances of women. She’d say that women are more subtle and men don’t always pick up on it. I agree with her a lot, but personally I don’t like feeling like I need to look into everything for some agenda, you know. I feel like I’m supposed to feel paranoid or something and I’m not and don’t like feeling closed off to people. That doesn’t mean be dumb either. I do believe that many men are clueless to how women operate and sometimes a man may be clouded in the feeling that they don’t notice it. Men get distracted easily at times. I feel a mature man should know most times when a woman is flirting, but for some it’s hard to see because maybe how a woman flirts isn’t how he flirts. Like, if a guy is more aggressive. When a lady is subtle he may brush it off because to him it doesn’t register as a flirt. Then he gets himself in something that’s hard to get out of. I wouldn’t say men think the flirting is worth hurting the relationship, but they get lost in that moment and don’t think. In no way is that to justify anything. Some men need too much attention, that pride and that ego is a killer. I would want my wife to be secure and all and never trip on anything, but at the same time I’m married. Now, when you’re single you can be playful and flirty and not think anything of it because you don’t mean anything, but when you’re married (or in a serious commited relationship) it’s okay to talk with people and chit chat, but you can’t talk like you did when you were single, regardless if you mean nothing by it or not. That’s just the reality of it. Some men flirt or accept women flirting with them because they are lacking some sort of attention from their woman, but a lot of men just need that attention and when someone needs it too much and participate it in too much, it’s not healthy for the relationship.

    A small side note on men: If a man feels your overly sensitive and tripping and nit picking etc and he really feels he’s not in the wrong and doesn’t see your perspective, if he messes up and tries to make it up to you he won’t stop doing what he’s doing, he’ll just get better at it. If he thinks “she’s just jealous/insecure…” He’ll just get better and clearing his tracks. Now, a good man wouldn’t want it to get that way and would want more conversation about it, but some guys it accept that that is just the nature of the relationship…IMO…

    Reply
  6. JF

    oh, and you are totally right for how you feel about that obvious flirting. Me trying to discuss or explain things is in no way trying to justify wrong actions…some men are innocent, but I know many men that Eff up big time…i’ve just started understanding the logic, somewhat, or lack there of…It pisses me off when I hear men acting like this…I don’t condone this action at all. I don’t like jealous and insecure women, but I can’t act like women are crazy, haha. My wife’s intuition is a little too sensitive at times, but for the most part she is right on point. The only thing is that just because you can create a storyline for your suspicion doesn’t mean that’s what the story is…(but that’s not related to you, haha, sorry)

    Reply
  7. babygirl

    this conversation has been interesting…especially JF perspective being a man. I think so many women deal with this situation. I know in my marriage it has been a point of contention for the past year or so. We have been married for 9 years. I am not sure if I was oblivious to it the first 8 years or what but it has had us on the edge of divorce lately. i found out my husband has been befriending many women and texting them and communicating via fb. he even had in person contact with one where they met out and i still dont have the “real story” of what happened but he told me something inappropriate happened and it was a huge mistake. since then he has been trying to be so loving and sweet and everything but i cannot get past this or the fact that he still has other female friends. he is like you were discussing, very social, funny, open, friendly…lets just say women gravitate towards him…men too for that matter…all my friends love him and think he is just so great. I do too which is why I married him but I am so uncomfortable about his relationship with women friends after the “incident” and I am so mad at myself because I am not that insecure woman but I feel like I don’t like the access other women have to my husband, even if just by text. I feel like I lost the trust…he continues to reassure me that I am worrying for nothing and he is where he wants to be and truthfully I have no solid reason (other than the incident he discussed with me) to believe otherwise but this female friends thing scares me…so he has cut off his communication with his female friends…he suggested this…I was fine with it :) but now after reading JF post I feel like I might be setting myself up by him doing this…I don’t want to be his only friend, truly I dont but I also don’t want to look up and have handed my husband to another woman…I do understand your point about people doing what they are gonna do despite what you try to impose…believe me I do…That still does not help me to feel comfortable about this situation. Its the little things, like I had met one of his friends that he texts and she said she didn’t know he was married. how would that be possible? then he says well we are just cool, we met a few years ago and we only text or talk every blue moon…and the fact that you are married with two kids never came up…then what ARE they talking about…that’s my confusion, what do men have to talk to women about that they could not talk to men about…i really feel like the women friend thing is a big excuse to feed men’s ego’s…I am not saying that something as serious as sex is going on…but I think it is more inappropriate than not…just my experience…marriage is difficult enough without extra people…

    Reply
  8. babygirl

    this conversation has been interesting…especially JF perspective being a man. I think so many women deal with this situation. I know in my marriage it has been a point of contention for the past year or so. We have been married for 9 years. I am not sure if I was oblivious to it the first 8 years or what but it has had us on the edge of divorce lately. i found out my husband has been befriending many women and texting them and communicating via fb. he even had in person contact with one where they met out and i still dont have the “real story” of what happened but he told me something inappropriate happened and it was a huge mistake. since then he has been trying to be so loving and sweet and everything but i cannot get past this or the fact that he still has other female friends. he is like you were discussing, very social, funny, open, friendly…lets just say women gravitate towards him…men too for that matter…all my friends love him and think he is just so great. I do too which is why I married him but I am so uncomfortable about his relationship with women friends after the “incident” and I am so mad at myself because I am not that insecure woman but I feel like I don’t like the access other women have to my husband, even if just by text. I feel like I lost the trust…he continues to reassure me that I am worrying for nothing and he is where he wants to be and truthfully I have no solid reason (other than the incident he discussed with me) to believe otherwise but this female friends thing scares me…so he has cut off his communication with his female friends…he suggested this…I was fine with it :) but now after reading JF post I feel like I might be setting myself up by him doing this…I don’t want to be his only friend, truly I dont but I also don’t want to look up and have handed my husband to another woman…I do understand your point about people doing what they are gonna do despite what you try to impose…believe me I do…That still does not help me to feel comfortable about this situation. Its the little things, like I had met one of his friends that he texts and she said she didn’t know he was married. how would that be possible? then he says well we are just cool, we met a few years ago and we only text or talk every blue moon…and the fact that you are married with two kids never came up…then what ARE they talking about…that’s my confusion, what do men have to talk to women about that they could not talk to men about…i really feel like the women friend thing is a big excuse to feed men’s ego’s…I am not saying that something as serious as sex is going on…but I think it is more inappropriate than not…just my experience…marriage is difficult enough without extra people…

    Reply
  9. Stmeans53

    Men, make sure your relationship with your wife is not taken for granted and that you put just as much or more energy in maintaining the relationship with her as you do with other women.

    Reply
  10. JF

    BG, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now. Reading your response almost brought me to tears. It’s just frustrating because I feel like what I’m talking about only applies to a small percentage. I don’t want to defend people that are actually doing this stuff.

    As far as the “women placing their men in the arms of other women”, I meant that more like women that push the men away, not your situation.

    I know right now you feel that you haven’t been that clingy or insecure woman and this situation is making you feel like you’re about to become that, it probably feels like you almost have to. And, it may not have been that you were oblivious the whole time, maybe you gave and expressed the kind of trust that people should. People should always be aware, but when you’re married you really shouldn’t have to question everything or be paranoid etc. Some men really do live those parallel lives and the Internet gives a perfect ground for it.

    From what you’ve said, he really has been living a second life online. I mean, having multiple new ‘friends’ you never knew about and actually meeting one of them and having an incident. I’m sorry that all of that happened. If a man is married and has kids and talks to another woman and that fact is never brought up, then he’s doing so because he doesn’t want to change how she’s communicating with him, that flirty friendly talk. I used to have a problem with this because I didn’t want to feel the need to say something about being married randomly, like it made me feel like I thought every woman was trying to ‘talk’ to me that approached me. Like, if a man says hi to a woman and the first thing she says is “I have a man, no thanks”…I didn’t want to put off that I was making those assumptions or thought of myself like that, but I had to learn to not worry so much about how things looked to someone else because how things look to my wife is priority. Now, I’ve just learned to bring it up in not so abrupt ways. Like, if im on twitter chating with folks and a woman talks to me and we chat, then I make sure it gets brought up especially if she uses some flirthy language with me. Look at it like, whatever is important to you, you are going to naturally talk about. People that follow me on twitter know that i’m married and have a daughter because I talk about that a lot. When you hide that your are married, then there is absolutely no innocence in that relationship. Also, if there is somebody I talk to online a lot, like a buddy, my wife knows about it. If I am really cool with folks, then my wife probably knows or have heard about it. I would never purposely meet up with someone I know online and not tell her about it. what do I need to meet up with this other woman for anyway, and by myself? The only people I need to meet up with that I know online are people that I do business with and my wife would know about it. And with that whole ‘incident’, since you don’t know the real story and he’s being vauge, then he really messed up, totally. If a man can get away without telling the whole story, he will, most will. Because going into detail would only make things worst, so if he can say “i effed up, i won’t do it again’ and that works, then he’ll feel he can better make up for that. With a lot of men there’s a big difference in lying and not telling something, so sometimes you have to ask exactly what you want to know or are thinking.

    Again, I’m really sorry about everything that’s going on. My learning process was a hard one and my wife’s tears are always the heaviest. I’ve never cheated, wanted to cheat or anything on my wife, but when you do things that make her think that you would and question your character, sometimes it’s almost just as bad.

    Peace

    Reply
  11. JF

    You really hit the nail on the head with that statement. Some times a man will get bored in a relationship and feel he’s the only one that feels that way, when his lady feels the same way. Instead of trying to reconnect with his lady he finds his excitement in the newness of talking to/meeting a new woman. I think men and woman have these feelings, but it’s how we act on them that says everything. But stmeans, you really said it…it really resonated with me…I’ve had times where I’ve give up on trying to connect/communicate a certain way and just accepted that this is going to be our dynamic, but I realized I couldn’t do that. It’s hard, marriage is hard, it’s work. The things that’s helped me is that over time I’ve grown to become very conscious of myself/feelings etc, so I can recognize these certain things.

    But thank you stmeans, you really said it with that…

    Reply
  12. guest

    My husband and I have a rule, no exes on facebook. So a few months back we deleted/block a few folks and that was that. Better safe than sorry.

    Reply
  13. Working on an exit strategy

    Wow, this really opened my eyes to my husband’s perspective although we have had a very difficult year. Not only does he have multiple women on his facebook but i found out that they are sending him nasty pictures also. Nude, open cheeks, you name it! I haven’t even said anything because i don’t want the arguments and I feel like a doorstep. we have been here before in where im dealing with his infidelity and I see the same patterns that I did before when he was cheating. Somehow he tries his best to tell me he does everything for me (not) I can’t even get any affection…so I feel like he gives these women more respect, attention and enjoyable conversation. I don’t mess with FB, it has caused too many issues and I don’t have the time, yet he’s on it every free second of the day….I can’t help but feel like this is how most men are, I very rarely see a good man that is committed, faithful and loving toward their wives. I’m starting to feel like marriage is a joke honestly. My parents have been together for over 35 years and Im proud but I don’t know many couples like this. I can’t afford to put my heart on the chopping block (again)

    Reply
  14. latoya

    We may have to get to that place. I was trying to do the “you’re a grown man so be honest about what you can handle and make the decision yourself” route. I’m monitoring it and giving it time. Thanks for post.

    Reply
  15. latoya

    babygirl, thanks for your honesty. My hubbie and I have also been married for 9 years and have two children. In that regard, I understand how your husband’s behavior has affected you. I can completely relate to your battling with insecurity, jealousy and trust issues. I also feel that before my situation I had been confident, secure and had absolutely no reasons for mistrust. I have been asking God to help me to get back to that place because ulitmately, my identity and self-worth are not based on any other individual- including my husband although I love him with every fiber of my being. We have been working on rebuilding our relationship and closing the gaps. I see a difference in his actions and I’m truly grateful. I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers and I really hope that everything works out. Nine years is an investment and I believe that working through your “incident” will be rewarding down the line. Be blessed.

    Reply
  16. JF

    I’m sorry he’s putting you through this WOES… I’ve felt the way you feel about marriage before. I remember the way I used to think about love. I was a dreamer/romantic… without going on forever I just don’t feel the same way anymore, I don’t look at it the same…I don’t want you hurt sister…I hope whatever the resolution/conclusion is in your marriage it works out to your best benefit and you’re happy.

    Peace

    Reply
  17. latoya

    I’m really sorry to hear about your ordeal. I will keep you in my prayers as you seek God’s wisdom on what to do.

    Reply
  18. latoya

    I hear you…from experience though, women’s intuition is usually right. Usually, a wife just wants to know that her thoughts and feelings are respected by her husband. If you show her that you truly value her feelings, it allows her to feel more secure in your relationship and I think it would cut down on the “overly- sensitive intuition”. I wish you all the best in your marriage.

    Reply
  19. JF

    I really just want to thank all the women on here for telling their stories… this has been such an eye opening experience… Reading all these stories really stirred up something in me, brought out a lot of emotions… I heard my wife in many of your voices and it really resonated… I used to feel that if I new my intentions, then there was no problem, but all you strong women have really showned me and echoed your perspective and the thoughts it can bring and the pain it can cause. Hearing all these stories about these men infuriates me… when I critique or speak my perspective I almost feel as if I shouldn’t because it seems like it honestly doesn’t apply to many other men. I would never want to rationalize something and make a woman see my perspective and apply it to a man with bad intentions and then end up hurt more… as foolish as this may sound, I really wish all you women peace and happiness and love in your lives… I told a woman once that men have to start taking responsibility and healing our women… I say heal our women because these are the things that we have caused… a woman is strong and can get through anything, but to take away those scars and bring the love back, men have to be the men and kings they are supposed to be and treat these women as the queens they are… If it means anything, I’m sorry and I apologize for all the pain and anger and hurt men have put you through, you don’t deserve it… until next time…

    peace

    Reply
  20. JF

    Thank you… I just saw this post… you are absolutely right…I feed her insecure feelings, if I actions showed security, then she would be secure… it’s on me…

    With the situation with an ex emailing me and me thinking nothing of it, it made my wife really angry. When the Ex emailed again disregarding my wife and myself, I finally just put my foot down and told her about herself and told her to stop with the emails… My wife was very happy after that, she felt that I stood up for her and our relationship and valued what she thought and how she felt about it… I’m sorry to be one of the men that are a little hard headed and take a couple of times to get something, but i’m working…

    peace

    Reply
  21. busybodyk

    I’ve met some of my best female friends through my husband so I’m thankful he has them. They’re also very respectful of our marriage, even his exes. The friends that didn’t seem into us as a couple fell by the wayside when we got serious. Its a blessing.

    Reply
  22. Pammy

    I am currently dealing with the exact same thing. My husband is an RN and works with mostly females. I realized 3 months ago that he was having an emotional affair based on phone records and the fact that he was starting to go out in groups that apparently included her. It almost ended our marriage. I must say that there was some positives that came out of it as I had not been taking care of my husbands need on a physical or emotional level regardless of the fact that I love him with every fiber of my being. We worked through it but now he has started the same pattern with another female that he works with and I know for a fact that he has even deleted a couple of texts because he knew they would hurt me. In addition, there appears to be phone calls and never when I am around which there again leads me to believe that he knows what he is doing will hurt me. Our marriage itself is stronger than ever and he tells me that what we have now is what he has dreamed of all of his life but still continues to do something that is so blatantly disrespectful of my feelings. Correct me if I am wrong but if he knows that it is hurting and killing me inside shouldn’t it be a no brainer that he just needs to STOP!!

    Reply

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