Does Holding Off On Sex Make Marriages Stronger?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 13th, 2011 | 18 comments

An article recently ran that cited a study at Brigham Young University in Utah. The study found that couples who held off on sex until later in their relationship developed additional communication skills that aided them later in marriage.

From the article:

Married couples who had delayed sex while they were dating were more likely to communicate, enjoy sex and see their marriage as stable than those who had sex early on. They also were generally more satisfied with their marriages.Why would rushing into intimacy impede marital happiness? According to study co-author Dean M. Busby, people who quickly become intimate may end up marrying even if they’re incompatible because they become “entangled” in a relationship that becomes difficult to end.

“The take-home message is that sex is a powerful experience,” said Busby. “It really bonds us to one another and so it may be important before we go down that road to take the time to see if you can talk to this other person — see if you have similar personalities and similar directions in life — to see whether or not this is a relationship that can last.”

About 85 percent of Americans report having had premarital sex, according to research cited in the study. Also according to the research, there is a widespread belief that it is important for dating couples to see if they have “sexual chemistry,” because it is key to a good marriage.

For more info on the study and to read the full article go here.

BMWK family, do you think this is this true? Did you wait? Do you wish that you had? What was the upside or downside of your decision?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Keeshab2002

Okay, most of us did not wait…but if we could turn back the hands of time, I think most of us(especially women-sorry brotha’s) would’ve held on to our virginity. NOW we know how really precious it is.

I truly believe that couple’s who wait until marriage, are blessed in the bedroom because of their obedience, and have better sex than all of us!! But, I’ll never know….because my husband and I were VERY disobedient.:)

Sex brings about so many feelings in a relationship that it’s hard to focus on other things once sex is introduced. For me there were no upsides to having premarital sex–other than the obvious..but there are many downsides (STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, etc). Sex in a relationship clouds your vision, you choose not see what you know you see .

Of course, hind sight is 20/20.

I can only imagine how it must feel to stand at the altar to be married, knowing that you and your hubby- to- be have waited for each other. To me, that’s a HIGH honor, and it also let’s you both know that you are committed, disciplined, and serious…which are great traits to have starting out!

freetocoil

God’s design for marriage is within a marriage and society has been very effective in making that look like foolishness, especially the older a couple is. Like Noah obeying God’s instruction to build an arc in a place that had not seen rain in years, choosing having faith in His instruction will oftentimes seem strange to yourself and onlookers. The blessings for obedience are countless when it comes to opening that wedding gift on the wedding night.
We may not have made the best decisions, but we have the information to help our children to be aware of the best choice by sharing the most reliable, trustworthy instruction, God’s regret-free instruction for sex, along with being honest about our choices and how their results.

mumto4

My husband and I did not wait, you know how teenage love is, but we also did not know about God for ourselves. After about 3 years together we had a child and broke up a dozen times. We knew we were destined to be together but those darn hormones just cloud your mind.

We found Christ separately, but together and committed our family to Him first. We abstained, even though we had a child. Through that experience we grew in Christ and in love. We got married when our daughter was two. 14 years and 4 kids later, marrying this guy is still the best decision I made. He’s my best friend.

Boy! I tell you, when we were together as man and wife …. all I can say is I’ve NEVER had an experience like that! We’ve had our ups and downs, but this article is true, we are better communicators, better friends and better lovers because we took the time to remove sex from the equation and mature. We are better partners in every sense of the word. Our kids think we are gross and silly because we are always giggling, hugging and kissing. Sometimes I whisper in their ear and tell him, “you know I just really adore your father.” Of course they are disgusted and roll their eyes at me.
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QZAH5OJGMBY66ASSQT5RL6B5UU Tracita Linda

Keesha, I do think it’s a ‘high’ honor like you state here. If you’re dating for 3 or 4 years trying to decide if you should marry that man/woman that sho’ nuff is a long time to wait! (Hence the reason why some couples do ‘other’ things to satisfy their urges).
http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/QZAH5OJGMBY66ASSQT5RL6B5UU Tracita Linda

You are very strong for abstaining after that fact, I know couples who have tried and failed…! But I think your testimony is proof that they shouldn’t stop trying!

Joanndith

Amen! Many are the afflictions of the righteous…

PatientLady

We didn’t have sex until two years after we started dating. We didn’t get married for 7 years. I think there were HUGE benefits to waiting as long as we did, but I think it would have had a negative impact to wait 7 years. Seriously, sex has been a wonderful bonding experience for us, and we are each other’s only. Waiting is something I don’t regret, but I can’t imaging regretting having sex with my (now) husband, regardless of marital status.
DANIELLE

I agree that if I could turn back the hands of time I would have waited. I had sex with my husband for the first time at age 18. We dated for many years and split up. We ended up getting back together 4 years ago and married 2 years ago. Although we had sex during our courtship I feel our relationship still grew stronger. Because we wanted to go into our marriage with God first we didn’t have sex 30 days before our wedding and use that time to stay in prayer asking God to bless us and our marriage. It doesn’t seem like a long time but that was our sacarfice to the Lord.
Exigence

if it takes 3-4 yrs to figure out if this is the person to marry, there is your answer right there. Celibate people don’t rush(say date less than a 9 months-year) into getting married to have sex, but by not having sex they are able to communicate clearly and just find out so much more about the other person in less time that makes them so much more attractive (or unattractive), and able to make that decision.

Joanndith

Amen! I’ve been with my courting partner 2 months and we both know this is it because e don’t have to deal with the hindrances of practiced fornication…we see each other for who we really are and trust that God will handle the rest.

LynnE

My fiance and I are waiting. It’s not that either of us are virigns but when I thought about having sex with him about 8 months into our relationship God called me on it. Because I love my Father I said no and explained to my then boyfriend that I couldn’t have sex with him, that God would be displeased and I didn’t want to do that to my relationship with God. I told him I would understand if that didn’t work for him and that he was free to end the relationship. He wasn’t happy about it but he stayed and now we’re planning our wedding and very much looking forward to our wedding night.
DC

My husband and I waited, and I’m really glad we did. We weren’t virgins when we got married, and it wasn’t easy, but 11 years later, things are still really good.
Kmart29

I like this topic. I have had countless conversations on this from friends (guys and gals). After becoming separated(well, technically it happened before the separation) from my long time boyfriend. I decided to not indulge in those activities. I had explained to him that if we were going to continue to be together, then we had some decisions to make.

We dated for years, lived together, but it seemed that what was important to him was his friends. We didn’t communicate effectively, and it just seemed that we were still in the relationship for the wrong reason. After much prayer, and semi-fasting. GOD revealed the answer. I didn’t understand it at the time and it took me a little time to make adjustments.

Now at the present time, I am more in tune to my relationship with GOD and not man. I have my struggles but all in all it is in a sense easy. I won’t lay with a man that I don’t care about, which keeps from falling. I have not been dating, which releases the temptation. I pray and work to become the person that I want to marry.

There is a sense of peace that comes from not jumping in the bed too early because it doesn’t drive my decision. I converse with guys but I am taking this time out for GOD and I. He has shown me my husband. I will be the woman that he finds and he will be the man that I need. #toGODbetheGlory
PatientPatsy

My fiance and I have been together for 7 years. We are waiting until we’re married to consummate our relationship. It has been hard saying no for so long, but when we’re finally married it will be well worth it. We just recently set our date for August 2012, so now it’s just a ticking clock until we can express our love and commitment in every way. I also think that being each other’s first is going to be a bonding experience. I can’t imagine not waiting. I’d feel guilty every day of my life.
PatientPatsy

My fiance and I have been together for 7 years. We are waiting until we’re married to consummate our relationship. It has been hard saying no for so long, but when we’re finally married it will be well worth it. We just recently set our date for August 2012, so now it’s just a ticking clock until we can express our love and commitment in every way. I also think that being each other’s first is going to be a bonding experience. I can’t imagine not waiting. I’d feel guilty every day of my life.
Real

My hubby and I waited and I think it was the best decision we could have made for our relationship. Out four year anny is coming up and we’re still honeymooning
Married and Sexy

We did not wait until we were married, but we did wait 2 years! I truly believe that a strong foundation makes all the difference, but we would not have benefited by waiting until marriage (on our 7th anniversary). We were both each others first and only. Such an incredible thing to share! The intimacy that you share DEFINITELY bonds you as a couple! Sex is important in a relationship, and so is sexual compatibility.
http://www.facebook.com/people/AshLeigh-DVere-McNeil/26311411 AshLeigh D’Vere McNeil

To be perfectly honest, my husband and I did not wait. I was his first,but it wasn’t the same for me. We had been close friends for a long time before we started dating, so when we made it official, we started having sex right away. What makes the situation even worse is that I grew up in the church, and I had a relationship with Christ, so I knew better. In my church we knew that sex outside of marriage was bad, but there was so much more to it that I wish I knew back then.

It would tear me apart afterwards, and I would hold off on sex for a few months before we were at it again. My husband never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do, but he couldn’t understand why i was so unhappy afterwards. I didn’t know how to explain it to him in a way that he would understand because he didn’t have a relationship with Christ. The only people who I could talk to about it couldn’t give me any advice because they were in the same situation I was.

My husband and I started dating 6 and 1/2 years ago, have been married for 1 and have a beautiful baby boy whose 1st birthday is fast approaching. We have a wonderful relationship, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable having sex with my husband. I know it’s because I cheated on Christ all those years ago, and while I know Jesus has forgiven me, I haven’t been able to forgive myself.

I now make it my business to have the sex talk with all the young women I have constant contact with, in and out the church. I explain to them why it displeases God when we fornicate, the emotional toll it takes on us when we do decide to have sex, along with teaching them about STDs , AIDS and pregnancy. I tell them my story, and refuse to sugarcoat anything, because doing so would be a disservice to them.