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What I Learned From Single Men

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by  |  on January 10th, 2011  |  28 comments

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

This week not only brought me insight but it also provided me a glimpse into the mind of “today’s” single black man.

I recently launched an internet radio show, which I have to admit, has brought more joy than I imagined. The latest show was geared toward singles and my scheduled guests were single guys.

Frequently I am asked to write (or blog) about how to find a relationship. I had been hesitant to do that until now. I have been married for more than 12 years and wasn’t sure what I would be able to offer on the best way to find a mate (since it has been so long). The show gave me the platform to allow them to speak to one another. The plan was to have a candid discussion about dating and being single. The men were randomly chosen from my personal and professional circle. As I planned the show and created the interview questions, I thought I knew how each would answer, based on what I had already known about their lives. I was wrong. I can admit it now – I had preconceived ideas about single black men.

Here’s what I thought:

  • Being single, from the male perspective, was nothing but fun. I always thought it was their goal to date a variety of women and not worry about commitment (which is a valid choice).
  • Only women create lists about what they want in a relationship.
  • Men are generally turned off by a woman who makes the first move.
  • The majority of single men may be afraid of commitment.
  • Men are not interested in discussing why they are single and what specifically they are seeking.
  • Men are totally comfortable approaching a woman.

Here’s what I learned:

  • There aren’t very many benefits in being single. The guys revealed their interest in finding that special someone and the search, sometimes, isn’t all that fun.
  • There are men who not only create lists about what they want in a relationship but also stick to them.
  • Some men are naturally shy and need a sign or the okay before they approach a woman.
  • Marriage and commitment are definitely on the radar for some single guys, it is just a matter of finding that one.
  • Men can communicate effectively and are definitely willing to share their thoughts and ideas on dating and relationships.

These few single men do eventually want to become married men and it appears they already have a true understanding of this level of commitment. The choice to wait until they know they have found the one is definitely commendable. Relationships and marriages should not be entered into lightly. These types of dialogues allow men and women to be open about what they desire and what they are willing to give and learn from one another. The next show… single women!

BMWK, what advice would you give to singles looking for ways to find a mate and build a strong relationship?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing radio show on blogtalkradio.com.


About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.



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Comments (28)

  1. Miss Ruth Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    *Waving* Welcome to GA.
  2. Political Pete Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    My advice is simple: Stop thinking of marriage. If you are screening dates for "wifey-material," there is a tendency to be overly critical too early. Of course, there are notable qualities and a "list" you could use a guide; however, try to aim for someone you can talk to, develop a strong friendship, and most importantly-- they can tolerate all of your issues built up from being a single, free, and complicated black man lol.
  3. Keeshab2002 Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    This gets tricky, because I always want to know where the person is spiritually. If they are believers, then they need to focus on their relationship with Christ, and he will reveal what he has for them and their lives. Everyone won't be married, which is why marriage IS such a blessing. Just like how a lot of loving couples find out they can't have children. However, if you live according to God's will, and have faith, he WILL give you the desires of your heart . God also blocks a lot of mess (mercy), and singles should not force a fit with someone just be in an unfulfilling relationship. While they 'wait on the Lord', my advice would be to totally immerse themselves into their goals and their future, and work toward being a better person. Just my thoughts...
  4. reefinyateef Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    This is it right here. Start with the basics of liking and befriending a person before marriage enters the equation.
  5. JF Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    maybe I'm just new to this site, but why is everyone here so almost extremely religious. It seems more like a black christian married with kids site, than just for black people. I'd love to participate in these discussions more, but the majority of the comments are super religious and it really doesn't seem like an environment for an honest discussion, to really build. Can we really just discuss a topic honestly as people, as human. Of course, we need to make sure the spirit (and that's spirit, in a universal sense) is right, and it's fine to bring that in, but sometimes people get off topic and go into the religious dogma/doctrine too much and takes away from the issues that need to be discussed. I swear half of these comments don't even touch the topic. Anyway, this isn't intended to offend anyone. Maybe, it's just me, maybe i'm the only black person that's not christian and maybe this site just isn't geared towards me, maybe...peace
  6. Lamar Tyler Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    :-)
  7. Aesha Adams Roberts Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I call it the 4 D's of dating success: discernment, discretion, decisions, and discipline! I learned about these principles after several failed relationships (including a broken engagment) and applied them when Imet my husband. We married 11 months after meeting each other!
  8. Jacquiemdc Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    JF, the people commenting using faith in their perspective are doing so because that's the life they live, just like you would enter into a conversation with information you have based on the perspectives you have adopted from the way you live your life. Asking people who live their lives centered around a religious faith - any religious faith - to exclude their faith from their conversations is just as unfair as asking you to act as if you have faith so you can talk to people who do. If a person's faith is not something that's important to you regarding dating, then comment on the things that are. What does anyone else's requirements and standards have to do with yours?
  9. Taiavashti Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I agree this "While they 'wait on the Lord', my advice would be to totally immerse themselves into their goals and their future, and work toward being a better person. -- but I find that a lot of women spend so much time in church ( where single women extremely outnumber single men) and focused on their goals...that there is no time or place to meet a man, any man....if you apply for a job you have to do you part--putting out resumes, schooling.etc...what is your part in looking for a man...."if faith without works is dead" then what is the woman's work when it comes to acquiring a husband.....
  10. JF Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I totally understand where you're coming from and you're absolutely right. I don't want to ask someone to exclude something important and necessary to them for my sake or the sake of being general. That is totally unfair. I guess my issue is just sometimes people don't really address the topic, at all. I was really happy with I stumbled upon this site and felt I would be a consistent participator. I like the topics and I enjoy discussing black relationships and really trying to build on these topics. There are many issues in the black community in regards to relationships, so I felt this would be a great place of conversation and discussion and trying to figure out and solve some of these issues. But, sometimes people revert, or start off, with the religion and it's almost like they are just repeating a particular rheteric and it's like it's not even coming from them. To me, there's a difference in having your faith apart of your dialogue and just blindly repeating a doctrine because it seems spiritually appropriate. It's frustrating to want to engage in serious discussion with other people, but you feel that with many you're just getting some religious avatar, some representative. It's like when you call for customer service and you feel like "I want to talk to a real person, not a machine..." But, just like you said people use their experience and perspective in how they discuss matters and if that's the majority of this sites readership, then that's what the comments are going to consist of. I just want to clarify I am in no way saying that a spirituality isn't important to me, it's the most important, and I don't want to look like I'm talking against someone's faith or belief. That is not my mission. Peace
  11. Dondavis Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Love as you want to be loved, becoming friends first is always a good start, make sure that the one you befriend wants to be your friend, In other words " Stop overvaluing people that undervalue you as an possible mate or spouse.
  12. Guest Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    There's irony here.
  13. JF Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I know...there is... maybe I'm just a little frustrated because I want to be apart of the discussion, but since my perspective or frame of reference is so opposite, it makes it where I really can't, and be as active as I'd like...if that makes any sense...
  14. JF Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Hahaha, or the fact that I totally didn't even speak on the topic...right! super hypocrite...smh @myself
  15. JF Monday - 10 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I don't know if it's the media or a stereotype that was born in some kind of history of men and how we act, but women some times look at us like we are polar opposites. We have differences, very strong ones at times, but WE aren't that different as we think. Men, need and want many of the same things that women do. There's the assumption that men are totally insensitive. Men are extremely sensitive and have many of the same concerns as women, we just express them a little differently. We really have to listen to pay attention and be truly open in order for women and men to communicate effectively. We can pick so many subtopics out of this post and really explore the assumptions/stereotypes versus the reality. But this does get the conversation started...and that's what we need, great!
  16. Tiya Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    JF, thank you, I am happy you decided to comment. One of the things that makes BMWK so awesome is the variety of opinions. I guess you have not had the chance to read some of the more heated topics on the site. Believe me those will make you feel better about voicing your thoughts. All are always welcome. What you listed are some assumptions I am guilty of having about single men. The communication is key, the more we discuss the more we all learn.
  17. busybodyk Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Build a friendship. Friendship is the foundation.
  18. jb Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    My advice to those that are single and seeking a committed relationship is to enjoy the journey. Date, meet lots of people, enjoy life, be open while being discernful. I would like to address the "spirituality' that is being addressed when it comes to dating. Many Christians say that they are "waiting on God' to send their mates. But the question I want to ask is when have we've ever sat down and waited on God. Waiting on God doesn't mean being inactive, it simply means actively waiting on God. Waiting in the natural sense means just sitting still, but waiting in the kingdom means combining your faith with action, moving forward with caution and prayer, yet moving. It means to be led by God in doing something. Yes I believe that God is involved in the process, but He allows us to put action to our faith as He lead and guide us along the way. For instance, Abraham wanted a wife for his son Issac. So he sent his servant out on a mission to look for a suitable wife for his son. Abraham prayed and so did his servant that God would grant him favor. But the servant had to go looking for the wife. You can't get married sitting at home watching Christian television all day. (no attack on Christian tv) I'm just saying that many Christians have bought into this pseudo-religious belief system that is erroraneous and unbiblical. And many singles are in churces today praying and crying begging God to send them a wife or a husband. God is saying I'm not going to carve out a wife or husband for you like I did Adam and Eve.They were the first man and woman on the earth so I had to put everything together. The bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing. That means you need to get to stepping. Stop sitting around expecting a man to fall out the sky. Get yourself together. Make yourself available in the sense to not overdo it ladies with all this busyness and so-called pursuing your purpose that you don't recognize the man when he comes or don't have ANY time to prepare to be a wife.. Futhermore the bible talks about having children and being married when you're young. You can have a family and a career at the same time.And men stop looking for Ms. Perfect because she don't exist. Eve was kicked out of the garden of Eden a long time ago.
  19. misslady Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    This is so funny, but being a mature woman, I so agree with you. Each of us (men and women) must go to God and ask him what will work for us and how are we to go about finding/receiving a mate. We make things harder than what they are, (and for the record I am happily single, with a desire to be married as well)
  20. House Safe Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Get my book Safe House for men! You can't get to the point of being married if you dont have the teaching to be stable in a society full of animals. Until then it's better to be looking, than to be stuck.
  21. Keeshab2002 Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Her work then, to me, is to be able to bring 100% to the table. We all know that the 50-50 thing is dead, folks have to come with it (financially, spiritually, emotionally, health wise, etc). "A MAN who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing"....I think part of the problem is that my sista's are "looking" for a man, but really, HE should seek out his help meat......Of course we need to be aware of you guys, and pay attention to men who have qualities and attributes that we desire in a man (so we shouldn't have blinders on), but ultimately, you need to COME-N-GET IT!!...lol...
  22. Keeshab2002 Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    JF, there are folks on here that feel EXACTLY the way you do!! SO SPEAK YOUR MIND!!LOL . It's all good....I think the great thing about this site is that we are all searching for a better understanding...so KUDOS to all BMWK participants....and yea...you focus on answering the question, family!...:)
  23. Commentor Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I have asked questions about this several times, and they are always ignored. I think it is totally reasonable for commentors and posters to talk about their beliefs, but it seems it would be better for the site owners/writers to take a more neutral tone if they are intending to offer advice on supporting black marriage. It's pretty myopic to act like black = religious and then carry on from there. And I don't mean this to be meanspirited or antagonistic... it's just that the whole community needs support, and it's sad to see those broader needs being subsumed by a pro-Christian agenda.
  24. Londoner Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I agree. The constant overzealous Christian rhetoric makes any disagreement or other view hard to say.
  25. Tiya Tuesday - 11 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Londoner, I am just wondering why another person's point of view would make it hard for you to give yours?
  26. Ms. Altruistic Wednesday - 12 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I enjoyed reading your comments and encourage you to just "say what you have to say." As the old adage goes, "opinions are like noses -- everybody has one." And you're entitled to yours. Religion and religious beliefs are an integral part of who many of us are. We tend to think, communicate and live our lives from that point of reference. I am sure that your honest comments will be the catalyst for an honest discussion. Sometimes folks will go "off topic," but it's great when people like yourself weigh in to keep the disscussion on track. I look forward to hearing more from those like you. I think it helps to "keep it real."
  27. Lisa Friday - 14 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Hello Tiya! I am not Londoner, but I feel the same way as he or she does. This is why. If I say, for example, that I believe that a single woman who desires a mate should be proactive in meeting new people, someone could respond that the Bible says that women should "not be looking," and the "he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing." While that's all well and good, that shuts down conversation... perhaps I, even as a Christian, do not agree with that advice? Perhaps I interpret that scripture differently or don't believe that it is wrong for a woman to look at all? The response then is often, "You can feel that way, but the Word of God is firm on this," or "Well, I stand on the Word of God, and that's final." And for a person who is not Christian or religious, none of the verses or statements mentioned are even relevant... but still, the response is often that whether one believes or not, God and His Word are real. Since all of this is based on faith and belief though, can one really say to a non-believer or a believer in a different faith that regardless of what he or she believes, the Christian God trumps all of that? Again, I say this as a Christian. I appreciate Biblical wisdom, but I'd like to have practical discussion that recognizes differences of thought and that does not take the "case closed" approach just because someone throws out a piece of scripture. I think most of us Christians on the board know exactly what verses are in the Bible and how they're interpreted. But throwing out a Bible verse or saying "pray on it" or "put God first" isn't helping my real-time issue of how my husband and I can put together a household budget, or how we can deal with our respective in-laws, or how -- if I'm single -- I can meet more quality men or women because my current lifestyle limits the number of people I meet on a daily basis. One can be religious and still be practical. I think over-religiosity in dating and marriage discussions is actually preventing us from coming up with some legitimate and clear-cut solutions to issues that we might be facing in our daily lives, as singles or as marrieds.