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Where She Went Wrong

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by  |  on January 21st, 2011  |  15 comments

by Ayanna Black

I tend to watch a lot of reality TV and one of the shows is Basketball Wives. I too, like BMWK writer Tara Jefferson, thought that the show would be tendered around the life of a basketball wife. Perhaps how she deals with the kids when he’s on the road or how she keeps the marriage tight even though he’s gone most times. But of course the premise of the show is a little different.  It focuses on a circle of friends that are really ex-basketball wives, girlfriends and/or associates that are dealing with life after the relationship has ended.

Jennifer Williams, wife of former NBA player Eric Williams, speaks quite openly about her troubled marriage. Within the last couple episodes she talks about her husband’s unfaithful ways and how she doesn’t and hasn’t trusted him throughout the years.  During one of the episodes after Jennifer and Eric decided to get a divorce, they visit a counselor and in the midst of the conversation Eric mentions Jennifer’s venting habits. He talks about how he doesn’t appreciate her venting on the show and to her friends and how it’s caused one of the strains in their relationship.

This is definitely one of the places Jennifer went wrong.  It’s never really good to vent your frustrations about your marriage in public or to those that don’t have a good perception of marriage.  It adds so much more pressure to your situation.  It allows others to add input into a scenario that isn’t fit for them because every marriage/relationship is different no matter how similar they may seem.

As I continued to watch that episode I was taken back to premarital counseling by my pastor.  A few things he told us stood out to me:

1)     Keep your family out of your marriage

It is so important to try to work out your martial issues without involving your family.  Your family is your strongest support system and will be very protective of you.  Once you and your mate have patched things up your family still has that lasting impression you left in their minds of this person that did their loved one wrong. You may have forgiven them but they have not.  So if you’re wondering why Big Mama doesn’t want your husband over for family dinner then…

2)     Choose very carefully who you vent your problems to

We all have friends that we do certain things with. You have a shopping friend, you have a friend that accompanies you to the gym, you have a friend that goes to church with you, etc. So we should have those friends that we know we can only talk about marital things with.  You can’t ask your friend that hates all men about a marital problem and expect to get advice that’s going to help save your marriage. It just won’t work.  In martial counseling, my pastor told me that I would have to examine some of my friends and maybe even end our friendship now that I was entering a new chapter in my life.

3)     If you don’t have trust you don’t have anything

Enough said!

Hopefully we can learn from mistakes like this and adjust the way we go about communicating our issues to create healthier relationships.

Ayanna is a married mom of busy triplets in Chicago. She’s a freelance parenting/marriage and technology blogger.  Ayanna and her husband Damion are a featured couple in Ebony Magazine’s “Partner Project.”  Ayanna is also the proud owner of ABlackWebDesign.com


About the author

Ayanna Black is the founder of A. Black Web Design, a web customization firm based in Chicago. Ayanna enjoys blogging about parenting her triplets, marriage and technology. Ayanna and her husband Damion are a featured couple in Ebony Magazine’s “Partner Project.”



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Comments (15)

  1. Michelle Friday - 21 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Totally agree with you. When my mother asks how everything is, the answer is always "fine" or "good", regardless of what's going on. I never discuss any issues in my marriage with my family. My brother and his wife have had problems throughout their marriage, and he decided to tell everyone. Now, everyone is fake with her and prefers not to speak to her. And he's trying to figure out why we can't be more accepting of her. Obviously, if abuse is involved, you need to talk to help you get out.
  2. TheMrs Friday - 21 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I am the same way, now. I mistakenly told my best friend about a problem we had in the early years and now she is out for blood with him even though "we" have worked through the issue and we will be celebrating 19 yrs this spring. My newlywed brother had problems right away and didn't share with the family until they hit rock bottom. When talking to him and his wife I keep it cordial but have had private discussions with my hubby and parents about it. He might be over it and working through it but it is hard for me to be buddy-buddy with the woman that hurt my baby brother....
  3. DuchessDee Friday - 21 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I believe Jennifer situation is VERY good for married females. She speaks candidly about Eric unfaithfulness less than a week into their marriage. Also, obviously, she speaks about their living apart, about their lack of sex life, about him not answering her calls. And WHO is he sleeping with now. okay, he doesnt want the world to know of his infidelities or her lack of trust in him. I dont believe she is wrong because if she felt love and safe her dialogue would be different to the world. He doesnt have to be on the show yet here he is. He has motives too.
  4. Ayanna Saturday - 22 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Exactly! Family mean well but once you create the big bad monster its hard to get rid of him
  5. Ayanna Saturday - 22 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I'm sure they do. However she stated that she knew he was unfaithful before they married. So to me that also says they got married for the wrong reasons whatever they may have been. It has to be a point where you say not matter how much I think I love this person is this really going to be an emotionally healthy situation for me? If not then I'll. Have to pass.
  6. Janice T Robinson Saturday - 22 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I am an ex-wife of an international basketball player. We were married for 25 years. I did go into the marriage thinking I would be the only woman. However, I was committed to my husband, family, marriage vows, and institution of marriage. I was determined to work through the other women. We divorced for other reasons, not unfaithfulness in marriage. I watch the Basketball Wives as well. Marriage is tough enough without having your marriage on TV. Basketball players or athletes are already the target of groupies. I don't think the reality show could really be about someone's actual marriage if the couple is serious the success of the marriage. The wife would give those women on the hunt extra ammunition to sabotage the marriage. More than keep you family out of your marriage. Keep the public out of your marriage. Jennifer's venting in public and the public perception of athletics playing around with groupies may help her in the divorce. Who knows? Isn't this show scripted anyway?
  7. Ayanna Saturday - 22 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    Thanks for commenting Janice! Good to hear from someone that's been in that type of scenario. I'm sure the show is scripted but I think it would be a good idea to show an athlete and his wife that has a happy dedicated marriage. I know there has to be somebody out there. We see to many negative images of marriage. I wonder if people would even watch a reality show without all the drama...
    • Keeshab2002 Friday - 28 / 01 / 2011 Reply
      Ayanna, they showed the other couple that were friends with them since the "league" days, who'd been married for like 16 years that were going to "help". That was a big joke!! This is the thing Ayanna, there are successful couples but they don't get, nor do they want the "press" attention. I think I would watch a show with loving couples just going through everyday struggles....but I also like the travel channel..LOL
      • Ayanna Friday - 28 / 01 / 2011 Reply
        Keeshab2002, I'd watch a show about a healthy "league" relationship too. To me it would seem as though some one that's looking for a healthy high profile marriage with an athlete could and would want to learn from it. But we'll see. Hopefully the Russell's can get a reality series and show others how to keep it together.
  8. yoyo Sunday - 23 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I put most of the blame on Jennifer because she allows him to basically disrepect her and doesn't care if she knows or not. If she was truly sick of it, she would have left after the first 20 times he cheated, but I think she doesn't want to let go of that Chanel and Gucci lifestyle. She's trying too hard to hang with Shaunie, but they are in two different categories. And I think she will realize that when she is cut off from Eric's money. On the subject of NOT letting your family enter your marriage, this is very sound advice. I wish I was a little more mature when I had gotten married (I was 23 my husband was 44), because I would have done just that - kept my family out. However, I painted my husband at that time as a bad guy, and we are back together and have a brand new baby, and are considering remarriage and of course my family hates him. It's VERY akward for all involved - him and them. I always feel like I'm in the middle, because they don't talk to each other. My family talks to me and my ex-husband talks to me and they don't talk to each other and it's just weird and now my daughter has been born into this not-so-good situation. So unless your spouse is abusing you (physically or mentally) or the perceived problem is so egregious you absolutely have to get your family involved - just don't do it. :-)
  9. Ayanna Monday - 24 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    YoYo I agree. You also bring up a good point about your daughter being born into the mess. I'm sure it will begin to make her uncomfortable when she's old enough to understand what's going on. I suggest you start talking to her now and prepare her and let her know that inspite of you all love her.
  10. Runway51328 Monday - 24 / 01 / 2011 Reply
    I completely agree with all three points, but keeping your family and friends out of it is definitely key. I have been through a lot in my relationship, and although my family didn't know the specifics they knew when we were having problems. He on the other hand gave his family details on everything that I did wrong but didn't too much speak on the reason why I reacted in the manner that I did. So not only did his family know about our problems they also only received half the story. To this day there is still tension between us to the point where he my family still loves and accepts him. He spends time with my family, but I don't go to their house and they don't come to mine.
    • Ayanna Tuesday - 25 / 01 / 2011 Reply
      That's so unfortunate when families have to be divided this way. But it's a learning process for men and women. Contrary to popular belief I believe men share (gossip) more than women do so it can go both ways.
  11. Jacque Tuesday - 01 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    Ayanna, I agree. We all have to be careful in who we share intimate details of our relationship/marriage with. There may be a member of your family or friend that you trust and confide in, but you have to be sure that they are not sharing what you've shared with other family members or friends. I am currently dealing with a situation where my fiance has shared a little too much with his mother, (difference of opinions) and it's very awkward. I explained to him in the beginning why I chose to keep my family out of my business in the past, and why I wanted to continue with that practice. He now realizes the importance of keeping things between the two of us. Its unfortunate that we've had to go through the drama, but it has made us closer and taught him a very valuable lesson. Some have to learn the hard way! Lord willing things will smooth themselves out with my future in-laws. I am prayerful and I know that prayer changes things..