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Is A Wife Taking Her Husband’s Last Name A Big Deal? (Old Traditions Die Hard)

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by  |  on February 22nd, 2011  |  28 comments

A freelance writer wants to keep her last name but her fiancé is having no part of it – From The Stir on CafeMom.com:

Hyphenated Married Name Fight Heats Up on Facebook

There is no level-headed reason why a woman should have to abandon her family’s last name in order to prove her fidelity and allegiance to her man. None whatsoever. The concept is as archaic and patriarchal as, oh I don’t know, forgoing your dreams to be an apron-sporting housewife a la June Cleaver or pretending to be an airhead to appease your guy’s fragile ego. Puh-lease.

What does a man have to give up in order to marry a woman? Fewer evenings at the nudie bar and neater housecleaning habits? Yet we’re expected to disassociate ourselves from the very families who shaped us into the women men fall in love with and want to marry. {Continue reading}

Of the 81 comments and counting, some said hyphenating was fine, but others wanted to take their husband’s name so their family (husband + wife  + kids) would all have the same last name.

What do you think, BMWK family? Is the tradition of a woman taking her husband’s last name outdated, or is there still some usefulness to the whole idea? What did you choose? Was your spouse on board?


About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.



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Comments (28)

  1. DsWife7ven Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I had just been thinking about this so it's nice to see an article. I'm very sure this article will get a good many opinions so let me just throw mine out there :) When a woman marries, she is leaving her family to begin a new life. For me, I don't understand why SOME women marry but yet want to keep their last name (no hyphenating). To me it seems like it is more important for them to remain who they were BEFORE the marriage, rather than to fully commit to what they have now and are working towards having in the future. Maybe I'm baised though. Ever since I was a little girl, from Michael Jackson to the tallest boy in my class- I had ALWAYS dreamed of the day that I would be married and take my husband's last name. For ME it gives me a sense of pride to be announced/referred/called, "Mrs. Mitchell" (my now husband's last name). Maybe it is because my last name belong's to a father I've never known and a heritage I can never fully understand, but the name is still mine, I just don't feel the need however, to hold on to it so much so that I, in a way, reject my husband. Without much explaination people instantly know that I am his wife, he is my husband, those are our children. We became one on the day that we were married, so why should the last name be any different? I admit, the idea of changing my last name (we just got married Jan 3rd) is a bit scary. I have been me for the past 24yrs. My first name meshes beautifully with my last name. They go together like steak and potatoes, eggs and cheese, cereal and milk- but even with all of that, I am more dedicated to the life that I'm trying to live now for my future, rather than the life I'll be "leaving behind". I am still me, I am just a more "improved" version if you will. I like the idea that I will finally have the same last name as not only my husband, but our children (we have 3). It has always bothered me that I didn't share the last name of my children, but now I do. We're a "uniform" family now :D I don't know, I personally believe a woman should take on her husband's last name. I am old fashioned in a lot of ways and this has always been a big one for me. I have no issue with a woman keeping her maiden name (which the term "maiden" means "unmarried" which to me equals "single", and you aren't single anymore, I'm just sayin...) if the woman hyphenates her name or uses her maiden name as her middle name. For me, it all comes down to accepting your husband and cleaving to him. Creating your own family, your own life with the other part of you- your husband. I feel that when a woman takes on her husband's last name, than she is fully committed, dedicated, and accepting of her new life, and her new role. JMO
    • Guest Friday - 27 / 05 / 2011 Reply
      Why can't the husband adopt the wife's last name if the purpose is to have a unified family? I am troubled by your thought that it should be the woman who takes on her husband's last name, but not vice versa. I feel sad for you.
    • Taia Matthews Monday - 19 / 09 / 2011 Reply
      but doesn't the bible tell the husband to leave and cleave.... Ephesians 5:31 --“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”     If that is the premise for the changing of the last name..why is hyphenating the two names such an issue to those that want to do it...  Where did this tradition come from and why is it so popular...
  2. Shanna Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I work in academia where your accomplishments are tied to how many peer reviewed publications you have. I chose to keep my last name for professional reasons and a lo of women I work with chose to do the same. A lot of people question it, but I did not 'leave' ALL aspects of my life behind, I chose to 'continue' my life with a new role of a wife with my husband. All our children have his name. When at school events etc, when people call me by his last name I make no effort to correct them. Friends and family address invitations and the like using his last name. But legally for professional reasons, I chose to keep my last name, that has no bearing on how committed dedicated I am to my husband. Just my two cents.
    • Jbowen_011 Monday - 12 / 09 / 2011 Reply
      I think it shouldnt matter on if the husband takes the lastname of his bride or if the bride takes the husbands lastname as long as they stay pure to one another. I love my wife more than anything but I am going to be changing my lastname to hers.
  3. IGuessCallMeAFeminist Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    "There is no level-headed reason why a woman should have to abandon her family’s last name in order to prove her fidelity and allegiance to her man. None whatsoever. The concept is as archaic and patriarchal as, oh I don’t know, forgoing your dreams to be an apron-sporting housewife a la June Cleaver or pretending to be an airhead to appease your guy’s fragile ego. Puh-lease." THIS! The author is so on point with this article! Our idea of the husband taking the man's name is just a cultural phenomenon. This is not the case all of the world. American's would be smart to be a little more openminded and to acknowledge the patriarchial nature of this practice. My name does not in anyway reflect the pride, love, or commitment that I have to my husband and to try to connect or entangle the two is senseless. I am changing my name to FirstName MaidenName NewLastName, but only because it is MORE important to my husband than it is too me. If he didn't care, it wouldn't occur to me to change. Marriage is an ebb and flow relationship. I ebbed on this one, while he flowed. In other areas of significance, he accomodates my wants/needs, and that's the best that any couple can do. I think that this question is very personal, but I totally agree with the author. It astounds me that in 2011, women are still clamoring to take a man's name.
    • Guest Friday - 27 / 05 / 2011 Reply
      Can't agree with you more. That wife adopting husband's last name is a great example of male dominance and control. However, so many women don't realize that their lives are controlled by men. These women would even argue with other women who have more open minds (not necessary feminists). It really shows how the male-dominant culture is influential.
  4. Ikeptmyname Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I kept my name. Not because I am trying to hold on to the past or tryin to be who I used to be, I kept my name mainly because I have a child who has my maiden name, and I wanted to keep our names the same. Additionally, I have a business that I had before I met my husband and for business purposes I chose to keep my name. I love my husband and he is not concerned with whether or not I have his name on paper. He knows who I am, I know who I am, that's all that matters.
  5. Reggie Williams Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    My wife's last name is hypenated and I encouraged her to do it for a number of reasons. I even had to defend her (not that she couldn't defend herself) in a marriage workshop we were teaching and one woman truly had an issue with it. But with that said, if couples are beefing about a last name, this is an indication to me that this is only the preview and the main feature i's going to be constantly in strife. Before every marriage there should be several deaths (Death before Marriage). The reasons being is you want to move to the oneness of your union, covenant, til death do us part marriage - not be stuck in what use to be (stuck in what use to be is a precursor for divorce). For an example, I can't tell you how many times a brother has said to me in a class, she knew I frequent the strip club before we married. And everytime I say, yeah dude, but at what point do you graduate. I mean is it really cool or beneficial to be left back in whatever (hangin' with the girls, going to the strip club, my last name was). I recognize that culturally things have changed. Women have established careers where their name is branded and you don't want to lose that branding - got it. But there are so many solutions around that and for folk to be beefing about it tells me their movie of marriage ain't gonna be a good movie. Being stuck is a stagnating and debilitating feeling. Peace www.ruleyourwife316.com.
  6. Aja Dorsey Jackson Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I really don't think it's as serious as people try to make it sometimes. I worked at a newspaper for several years and many of the women there kept their names because they had built a name for themselves in print with their maiden name. Changing it would not be a smart move for them career wise. Legally I dropped my maiden name but I still use my maiden name in conjunction with my married last name when freelance writing because it connects me with clips I have prior to being married. The tradition of taking the spouse's last name is cultural and I think it truly is only as important as it is to that particular couple. I don't think it has any bearing on your marriage success.
  7. TheMrs Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    This reminds me of an interaction I had several years back with a woman...I worked in a department store that had it's own credit card and a woman came in wanting to use her card and the computer randomly requested for id which her license had only her married name and her credit card had only her maiden name. It took about 20-30 mins to get it cleared through credit authorization and the woman ended up snapping at me when I told her what the company was saying about having both names on one or the other..."I've been married for 6 yrs and I don't know when I will get divorced!!!" Wow. For me, to each their own. I know a few interfaith couples and the wife kept her maiden "Jewish" name or used it as her middle name as a connection to her heritage.
  8. TheMrs Tuesday - 22 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    This reminds me of an interaction I had several years back with a woman...I worked in a department store that had it's own credit card and a woman came in wanting to use her card and the computer randomly requested for id which her license had only her married name and her credit card had only her maiden name. It took about 20-30 mins to get it cleared through credit authorization and the woman ended up snapping at me when I told her what the company was saying about having both names on one or the other..."I've been married for 6 yrs and I don't know when I will get divorced!!!" Wow. For me, to each their own. I know a few interfaith couples and the wife kept her maiden "Jewish" name or used it as her middle name as a connection to her heritage.
  9. Jackie H. Wednesday - 23 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    A prominent local anchor in Atlanta changed her famous name to her husband's name...read an article about it... http://www.atlantawomanmag.com/Articles/2009/Web_January/Monicax_Monicax_Monica.html
  10. jazzi Wednesday - 23 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I'm hyphenated and it was done after consulting with my husband who was fine with it.
  11. ManWifeDog Wednesday - 23 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    I wrote an open letter to my husband about this recently on my blog and it was on fire. He supports my decision not to, for now. But I know this war is NOT over! http://manwifeanddog.com/2011/01/18/dear-husband-regrettably-i-am-not-ready-to-change-my-name-just-yet/
  12. Anjel Friday - 25 / 02 / 2011 Reply
    Hey! BMK I love your blog. I took my husband's last name because my kids both have his last name so for me It was about having the same last name as my kids. I think that it's a woman's right to choose whether she keeps her last name or not I really don't think it's a big deal. I have two friends who well, one friend's fiance was a little upset she didn't want his name so she hypenated her name but for her it was business reasons to want to keep her name. I have another friend who runs a business and she just got married a few weeks ago and she kept her maiden name for her business so I think it's something they should talk about, but in the end it's not really important enough to be a dealbreaker.
    • Guest Friday - 27 / 05 / 2011 Reply
      Anjel, let me ask you this question: if you want to have the same last name with your kids, why don't you persuade your husband to adopt your last name, and your kids also having your last name? Why does it always have to be the women who make the changes?
  13. Jbowen_011 Monday - 12 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    Why is it a big deal for a woman to take the lastname of her husband? I'm taking my wifes lastname IM NOT NORMAL NOR TRADITIONAL
  14. Mekaj99 Monday - 19 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    I am hyphenated because I love my last name. As the author says, my name flows together- as it should, since it was chosen together. This doesn't mean I love my husband any less, though it took some convincing at first. It was a pretty major fight before the wedding, which really didn't make any sense to me- since we had been together 6 years & had a 3 year old daughter (with HIS last name!) We had disagreed about her name when she was born, because I wanted to hyphenate since we weren't married. He threw a fit, and I let him win. He even appealed to the minister that married us- my mom, a pastor who is also hyphenated- so he didn't get much support for his position there. In the end, I told him he had won the fight about our daughter's name, but he wasn't winning this one. We will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary this December, we now have a son "to carry on the family name (gag!)" and I think he's finally gotten over it!
  15. Awa2005a Monday - 19 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    its not a big deal anymore....this generation has a "i dont care attitude"......its sad...
  16. Tjoneslewis Monday - 19 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    I am hyphenated because I love and celebrate my wife and extended family. I was fairly well accomplished and established in my career path at a young age.  I am a black male feminist who appreciates the way that I was enhanced by her. Our children have the hyphenated last name that recognizes with mutual respect the powerful families from whence they come. I want my son and daughter to expect and find equal value in the families of our union. Their mother and her family of origin is of no less importance in this truly blended family. You should see our family gatherings. I celebrate with great pride our union and the person I became through it. I was not a junior but a third generation of my namesake. I took a great deal of heat from those male and female that couldn't understand my decision. Like the name that I left behind, my former self is only a distant reminder of the power of evolution.
  17. GoddessCeCe Tuesday - 20 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    I took my husband's name. I come from a historical black family so my maiden name was very recognizable , especially in my home town. Keeping it and hyphenating my children's last name would have probably given my children a greater connection to that side of the family. It would certainly be easier when registering for stuff that has to do with the family but I chose not too. Why? Because it was that important to my husband and to be honest I got tired of being singled out because of my last name. My husband grew up in a house where he was the only one with his name. So when it came to getting married and starting a family he wanted it to be with his name.  I understand that. He even gave me the nickname Cece based off his desire for me to share his last name  one day when we were dating. My brother and a bunch of  other cousins can carry on the family name. For me it was more important to give him that one wish than it was to keep my maiden name. I just think it depends on the couple and how strongly each feels about the situation. You can use your maiden name professionally while your legal documents boast his last name. If you can talk him into it he can take your last name or you can both hyphenate. As long as you're both happy and content with then decision what others think really shouldn't matter.
  18. Tiffnkari4eva Tuesday - 20 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    Jello all! My husband & I had this very same conversation pre marriage & while being married I wanted to keep my last name because I felt like I was losing a major part of me & where I came from. It took me a year after being married to change my last name my husband deeply desired me to have his last name sometimes our discussions were heated because he could not understand my point of view. A man will never have to change something that has been apart of him since he was born, I can remember learning how to write my name & my mom dad teaching to pronounce it! It had been my last name all my life! I kno that in a family the son(s) are to carry on the family name by going forth with a wife & having offspring with their last name! I am now hetting used to my last name & I just recently changed my voicemail lol I kno I know but that name meant something to me my whole life & deep in my heart I will always be a Smith! A woman changing her name is easier said then done it is a life altering change that a man (husband will never know I say to each his or her own but I think it is a convo that a couple should have before they get married it worth knowing how your mate feels instead of assuming that is how it is. Much love & Many blessings
  19. mochazina Tuesday - 20 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    hyphenation isn't the only option! I moved my maiden name to be my second middle name and took his last name. on all formal documents I have two middle names/initials, including my professional engineering license, my degree, etc. be creative if you'd like to honor your birth family. you can also include your maiden name in your children's names. think past yourself, ladies!
  20. mochazina Tuesday - 20 / 09 / 2011 Reply
    hyphenation isn't the only option! I moved my maiden name to be my second middle name and took his last name. on all formal documents I have two middle names/initials, including my professional engineering license, my degree, etc. be creative if you'd like to honor your birth family. you can also include your maiden name in your children's names. think past yourself, ladies!
  21. Tk Sunday - 20 / 11 / 2011 Reply
    To all the women out there that think that taking the man's surname is a sign of male dominance, then isn't keeping your surname after marriage a sign of another name's male dominance???