Is It Better To Be An Expert On The Opposite Sex – Or Your Relationship?
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I interviewed Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, a couple weeks ago to talk about love and keeping a good marriage strong. I’ve read a couple of his books and walked away each time with a better understanding of my role in my marriage and how to apply my new knowledge to our relationship.
During the interview I asked if Dr. Chapman had ever noticed a difference in the love languages that men and women speak. (If you haven’t read the book or don’t remember what the five languages are, please click the link above and check it out. It’s life-changing, really.)
I wanted to know – are men usually fond of “words of affirmation”? Do they prefer “physical touch” as a sign that they are loved?
I was all ready for Dr. Chapman to give me a straight-forward answer, but what he said has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing here:
“Well, I haven’t done the research, but mainly what I do is try to help couples understand each other. I help them figure out their love languages and get them to the point where they can freely express their love to each other in the language that best suits their partner. My work is focused on couples, the two people in the relationship.”
His words seem to fly in the face of what makes “relationship gurus” like Steve Harvey so popular. Harvey doesn’t call himself a relationship expert, but rather, “an expert on men.” His two bestselling books, Essence relationship column and Oprah appearances all speak to how he feels the average man will react in a given situation and women are supposed to use his knowledge to get their man and keep him happy.
I used to be one of those women who tried to “figure out men.” I wanted to know how men argued, what they found to be important, what I could do to be a better partner.
But in all my time focusing on “men,” I got nowhere. My husband and I had the same problems, the same arguments over and over again and I wondered if I’d ever really get it.
It wasn’t until I stopped trying to “figure out men” (Steve Harvey’s approach) and began to try to “figure out my husband” (Dr. Chapman’s approach) that I began to make some headway.
Because my husband wasn’t “all men” or even the “average guy.” He was simply…himself. He had his own thoughts, fears, desires, quirks that had NOTHING to do with the whole “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” mindset I’d fallen prey to.
Here’s some advice (and I won’t charge you $19.99 for it…lol):
Focus on your partner. Focus on his/her dislikes, preferences, how they handle certain situations. You’ve got to become an expert on THEM, not the whole gender.
BMWK family – do you think the “Men are from Mars…” viewpoint is valid or is it better to simply focus on the partner you already have?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
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