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Marriage Was Not Designed To Make You Happy

Relationships

by  |  on February 18th, 2011  |  180 comments

by Denise Anderson (www.newmamaswagger.com)

I posted the following as my status on Facebook yesterday:

Marriage was not designed to make you happy, satisfied, or whole. If you go into it for any of the aforementioned reasons, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Some of my friends asked me to expound, so I guess I’ll take a stab at it here.

First let me preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to be an expert on marriage. My husband and I have been married a little under four years and we’re still learning a lot of things about being married. If you want expert advice, talk to someone who’s been at this for decades (and let me listen in). I can only share what I’ve learned so far. Further, I assure you that, despite the tone of this post, I really love being married. However, I don’t want people to be delusional about what marriage is or is not. So let me share with you what marriage cannot do.

Marriage cannot make you happy.

I think it’s safe to say that many people who want to be married think that marriage will make them happy, but I maintain that’s just not true. We’ve all grown up with the fairy tales where the princess finds a prince, gets married, and lives “happily ever after.” Simply put, nothing can “make” you happy. Absolutely nothing. Happiness is a personal choice and is not contingent upon one’s circumstances. There are plenty of happy poor folks and miserable millionaires. If you aren’t happy before marriage, chances are you won’t be happy in it. And unfortunately, a lot of people get dejected when they enter a marriage and realize they’re not as happy as they thought they’d be. Learn to be happy independent of outside influences.

Marriage does not equal satisfaction.

Let me be clear: you will not be completely satisfied in your marriage 100% of the time. You’re talking about two people who were raised by different mothers, were taught different standards, and somehow decided it would be a good idea to join together and become a unit. But because they are still two very distinct people, clashes naturally arise when expectations don’t align with reality. He has different ideas about cleaning than you do. She has different ideas about money than you do. You both thought sex would be more plentiful than it currently is. Somebody is going to be disappointed occasionally.

There is not a single person on earth who can completely live up to your expectations because all of us fall short. Whomever you marry will likely disappoint you, and I’m sure you won’t do much better. And don’t think you can change the things you don’t like about him or her. That’s a dead-end road, and even if you did “fix” those things, chances are you’d only find more things later that need to be “fixed.” Go into a marriage expecting the other person to fall short (within reason) and decide preemptively to extend some grace when they do.

Marriage cannot make you whole.

Everyone wants to feel complete, whether it’s in their careers or their personal lives. They somehow don’t feel like they can sit back, relax, and enjoy life until they have something they’ve always wanted. Sadly, plenty of people put their happiness on hold for some hypothetical day in the future when they have everything they want, including a marriage and family. If partial contentment is your status quo and the way you live your life, I can guarantee you that once you do obtain the things you think you want, you’ll find a reason not to be happy with them. Something will always be out of place.

Oh and another thing”... do NOT go into a marriage expecting your spouse to make you better, fix your hurts from your past, or give you everything you ever thought you’d need. Only God can do that. Please, if you have personal issues that you’re aware of, work on them before you get married or you will sabotage yourself. Your spouse is not your therapist or your fairy godparent.

So, why get married in the first place?

Well, only you can answer that. But I can tell you one indispensible prerequisite for a successful marriage: be prepared to work. Marriage is beautiful, blessed, and sacred, but it’s not for punks. They say it takes work, but I say it more than requires work “” it is work personified. It is a full-time job requiring a lot of spiritual, mental, and emotional strength. When you hear the words “for better or for worse,” imagine what the “worse” could possibly look like and honestly ask yourself if you have the wherewithal to thrive in those situations. If you don’t have it, that’s fine. There are far worse fates in life than to live it as a single person. But if you feel you have the fortitude to fully submit to another person until one of you leaves this earth, by all means go for it.

There is honestly no nobler thing than to dedicate your life to someone other than yourself, which is essentially what marriage is. You have to have the heart of a servant to do this thing correctly. Can you still fix him a plate even after he’s thoroughly pissed you off? Would you still put gas in her car for work tomorrow even after she’s stepped all over your ego? After days of fighting and arguing, can you still muster the humility to pray for one another? These are the types of things successfully married people do. In this job, you don’t clock out just because you’re not “feeling it.” That’s a hard thing for people to understand in a culture of selfishness, but it is what it is. Strong marriages are comprised of strong people, so you must ask yourself before you get to the altar, “Am I strong enough?”

Read Part II: What Marriage Was Designed For Here

Denise is a wife, mother, professional web designer, and minister-in-training living in the D.C. area. Check out her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back.


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Comments (180)

  1. 2jocooper Monday - 02 / 01 / 2012 Reply
    Congratulation for having the nerve to write th is, and thank you for posting my veiws on this topic. It's almost ad if we've spoken. Lol.
  2. Francis Nmeribe Saturday - 21 / 01 / 2012 Reply
    This is frank and courageous.   I have always wondered about marriage.   I am married and I see my marriage more as a duty of worthiness than as any other thing.   My wife, children and I work at it and create a lot of fun and happiness.   However, I cannot get away from the feeling that love itself is not merely a feeling but a sacrifice.   Thanks for sharing this thoughts.   It is very supportive of the important role of families.
  3. Pamela Kay Noble Brown Sunday - 22 / 01 / 2012 Reply
    Awesome!
  4. Desiree Monday - 23 / 01 / 2012 Reply
    Loved this quote from the article, "there is no greater cause than to devote your life to someone else". I never thought about marriage like that. Great read!!! Desiree www.thelovejourney.com
  5. Terence Robinson Monday - 27 / 02 / 2012 Reply
    I love the notion the marraige is work. I found that out the hard way, but thank God & my parents (& the Marine Corps) prepared me for the work.
    • Adia Thursday - 16 / 08 / 2012 Reply
      Good for you! If only more men had two examples to follow....
  6. Tessa Friday - 09 / 03 / 2012 Reply
    What a mind opener! I see my marriage differently now...can I share it with my friends in our local language ?
  7. Leonard Hicks Thursday - 05 / 04 / 2012 Reply
    Divorce Allowed So strong is the ideal of marriage in the NT, that even if the wife is not a Christian, the husband is "not" to divorce her, and so too if the Wife is a Christian and not the husband. But nonetheless, if one decides to divorce, so be it. God wants "peace" in the home, not strife and war. Thus, Paul says, "let him or her leave." (v 15) Which is to say, let there be a divorce. 1Cor. 7:12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 1Cor. 7:13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 1Cor. 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 1Cor. 7:15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 1Cor. 7:16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? 1Cor. 7:17 Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk. And so I direct in call the churches. A Christian, whether a man or woman, is not to live in "bondage" or in an abusive situation. (Anyone who is committing adultery is not acting like a believer, even if they claim otherwise.) Thus if a spouse wants to leave, "let them leave." V15. 1Cor. 7:27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 1Cor. 7:28 But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. Note that v 28 says that if a person is released, (divorced), and the person marries again, they "have not sinned." Tom Norris for All Experts.Com & Adventist Reform
    • Anonymous Tuesday - 23 / 04 / 2013 Reply
      In 1 cor. 7:26- it explains what vs.28 is referencing, which is "with all the previous being said, But and if a person gets married, they have not sinned" this is only because Paul was saying, "I would that none marry and be a sole servant unto Christ as I" but because not everyone has the same calling (vs.24), then abide in whatever your calling is. So, in going back to Matt. 19:9- Whosoever put away his wife, except it be due to her fornication, & he marry another, then he commits adultery and so does whoever will marry her afterwards, then that man commits adultery as well. But in all of this, please follow the Holy Spirit of God the father and in doing so, there is no law. (Gal. 5:23) Thanks for reading and pls, note that I'm not being confrontational, just merely stating what I read. Thank you for your post and be blessed, in Jesus name.
  8. Cindynmoultrie Tuesday - 10 / 04 / 2012 Reply
    Wow is the first word or response that I can give after reading your blog. It saddens me to read "so why get married in the first place" marriage is honorable by God.  Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman. I've been married for 5 years. My opinion is many women and men are broken before getting married by dating men/women that was not the will of God so when they do decide to marry they have extra emotional baggage and pain that hinders the current relationship that they are in. The only person that can   complete anyone is JESUS CHRIST! Yes marriage is work but when you work together its enjoyable work!
    • FELICIA GLOVER Sunday - 25 / 11 / 2012 Reply
      Very well said. I like that, this is my second marraige and I said I would not go into this one with the same mind frame I had with the first one. We have been married eleven years and it was rocky at first. But oh glory be to GOD once we put him in it, it now works. Wonderfuly, I now see I married my best friend, the love of my life, my protector, the one that I can tell my deep dark secrets to and will hold them in his heart as the writer above said. Some one that will go to God for me when I am weak and hurting inside. I thank God each and every day for him.
  9. Fimark Home-Online Tuesday - 17 / 04 / 2012 Reply
    You are five years into your marriage. So yes, it is going to be work.  I am 31 years into my marriage. I an now cashing in on what has been invested and enjoying the fruits of our labor.   The dividends are coming from the Originator of the union as a result of putting full trust in His principles and purpose. Marriage and family life can be a happy one. There are many couples who laugh, peacefully sigh and rejoice almost all their days together.  How is this possible?  It involves seeing and doing all things in harmony with the One who is the Architect of marriage. Remember this. All things that God creates, including our roles in life do indeed make us more complete, more whole and therefore happier. Such wholeness improves our mental, emotional and spiritual health. It gives us endless reasons to rejoice.    Often we are so caught up in earning a living, keeping up with pretenses and trying to juggle loyalties we become exhausted and turn inward.  We soon lose faith in the words "There is more happiness in giving." and the words "Trust in Him and do not lean on your own understanding"  Our reward, our happiness,  has much to do with how we give. If we are feeling beaten down we will give  begrudgingly.  Our giving will not be laced with a depth of love, deep respect or creative in other ways.  Such giving does not inspire gratitude as the  receiver  seems unaffected.  Marriage and family gives us permission to share the finer things we have been give. To relive our childhood, To express our own love  creatively  and discover and develop gifts we did not know we were endowed with. These things make us more sound, balanced and yes complete.  We learn to forgive freely overlook and understand the limitations that others have. There are always  specific reasons mentally, physically and spiritually that cause people to act they do. We do well to find out what the underlying reasons are instead of reacting to what  appears  on the surface.  And when a situation seems beyond us to resolve there is much room for growth here.  We discover in ourselves the ability to develop a  love that "hopes all things and endures all things. "  From this love comes a deep satisfaction and joy as we are molded and draw closer to God, the originator of marriage.   Mark
    • Lelia Tuesday - 23 / 04 / 2013 Reply
      That was wonderfully put Mark. Thank you.
  10. supafabs Thursday - 23 / 08 / 2012 Reply
    WOW. This is so well written (as most of your articles are)! I felt compelled to comment. I went into my marriage thinking that he could "make me happy" and that caused so many arguments whenever I felt like he wasn't living up to my "fairy tale." After almost five years, we have separated (duh) and this (and therapy) have helped me to see why. Thank you.
  11. Sandra Joseph Thursday - 23 / 08 / 2012 Reply
    Great article & eye opener for a single desiring marriage!(:
  12. Anzala Tuesday - 27 / 11 / 2012 Reply
    Thank you for the article and it's honesty. My favorite line, "Marriage is...marriage is not for punks!"
  13. michael kors hudson downtown shoulder tote Wednesday - 09 / 01 / 2013 Reply
    Appreciating the hard work you put into your blog and in depth information you provide. It's nice to come across a blog every once in a while that isn't the same old rehashed material. Excellent read! I've bookmarked your site and I'm adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.
  14. Joe Hughes Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply
    Awesome information
  15. Vivica Monday - 11 / 03 / 2013 Reply
    Exactly why I plan to stay single. I have a job already, and I dread it the majority of the time. Definitely don't want another one. I always thought marriage was something to be enjoyed and not endured. But I guess I was wrong. I knew there would be bad days, but when the bad days outweigh the good ones then what's the point? Married life? You can keep that ish. I'll just get a puppy and call it a day lol
    • Vivica Monday - 11 / 03 / 2013 Reply
      Excuse my language, by the way. Now that I look at it, my comment was kind of rude. Hopefully I didn't offend :)
  16. Uluaiaso Tuaumu Thursday - 11 / 04 / 2013 Reply
    Excellent piece to read and reflect on in my marriage life.
  17. dave Tuesday - 23 / 04 / 2013 Reply
    Great piece. I was really blessed by the truths mentioned above. God bless!
  18. The PRBrown Report Wednesday - 24 / 04 / 2013 Reply
    I disagree on some points the only way you will not be happy and satisfied in a marriage is if you are not mature enough to compromise. If you realize recognize, and understand that this, along with communication are two of the main components of marriage then happiness and satisfaction is the result. After being married nine years I realized that marriage like most things, is what you make it. As far is being whole is concerned, you should be whole before you get married, and then marry someone who compliments enough to improve on who you are as a whole. Most times in marriage we disappoint ourselves because we think more about our spouses contributions than our own.
  19. Latonia Wednesday - 24 / 04 / 2013 Reply
    I really appreciate these comments and blogs. This is my second marriage and I am realizing some super-flaws that I have harbored for years. I have been operating out of a very hurtful place. I am the story book, fairytale seeker, for my marriage. It's what was displayed to me as a child. My grandparents are still the only relationship, in my family tree, that has stood the test of time. I get it that we live in 'a selfish society' and that, in my opinion, we just don't want to go through the hard stuff to get to common ground. Wanting the perfect marriage is like wanting the American Dream, which is home ownership but we must do the work in order to acquire them. Shucks, even the American Dream has to undergo constant maintenance. Thanks, you guys for the encouragement and insight. Peace and blessings to all of you.
  20. Tawana Friday - 26 / 04 / 2013 Reply
    My husband and I still in the honeymoon period of our marriage, going on year two this August. Yers prior to marrying my husband I was ready for mariage the second time around, figured I had a long enough time frame from the first marriage. It is very tru everything that you havd said, and I fully understand and accept it. I married my husband because he was by far the person for me, who complimented me, loved me more than life, and we have the same morals and values for the most part. But all these wondeful things does not make us a perfect match. I'm okay with a person not being perfect and being able to agree to disagree without bitterness, my husband on the other hand still has some learning to do in this area. It does take a lot a of work, patience, and understanding. The communication is important as well.
  21. Replica Watches Thursday - 16 / 05 / 2013 Reply
    Does your website have a contact page? I'm having a tough time locating it but, I'd like to shoot you an email. I've got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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