Is My Sexual Past My Husband’s Business?

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by Aja Dorsey Jackson | on March 3rd, 2011 | 28 comments

by Aja Dorsey Jackson

My husband and I met in our early 20s and every now and then before we got serious we would end up at a party playing some type of tell-all-your-business game. Outside of those grown-up truth-or-dare moments, we have rarely talked about any sexual experiences we had before we got together.

I was not a virgin when I met him, made obvious by the fact that I already had a child. He knew that at some point I was with someone other than him and I felt that was all he realistically needed to know. I felt the same way about his past. As long as I knew that he was disease-free, didn’t have any potential baby mamas somewhere, and wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, I wanted to be spared the gory details about what may have occurred before I came along.

But while the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has worked in our marriage, is it always the best approach?

I recently listened to the story of a wife who found out her husband had a same-sex relationship 10 years before they met. He claimed that he did not divulge the details before their wedding because the encounter only happened once and he was not attracted to men so it had no bearing on their current relationship. In my opinion, this is something his wife had a right to know before they walked down the aisle.

What about partners that have a promiscuous past? Is having a grocery list full of past partners something that should be shared with a current one? What about deviant behaviors or past diseases? There is a fine line between what-matters-now and what-happened-then when dealing with matters of past and present. How do you know when to keep quiet and when you should kiss-and-tell?

Have you and your spouse talked about your sexual pasts? Are there things that should be absolutely shared with a partner? What about things that should be off limits? Does someone’s sex history influence your view of them as a potential mate?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland.

Tiya

I think that the sexual past, in terms of any health related issues should absolutely be shared. Other than that, I don’t feel the number of sex partners or any deviant behaviors of the past need to be shared. I don’t think there are really any benefits that can come out sharing that particular information in the current relationship.
Delano Squires

Great post, Aja!…I’m not married but this is something that comes up in relationships all the time…I’m all for transparency and honesty but these conversations often go terribly wrong, which can lead to lingering insecurity and distrust. I believe that sharing is okay if someone believes it would provide a better picture of someone’s character or if there are health or safety concerns to address. Aside from that, I believe you should proceed with caution in this area because the risk is often much greater than the reward.
Ruby Griffin

When you met your soul-mate that a new beginning,throw your sexual past in the trash….Cause everybody have a sexual history,it something you just don’t talk about,to your partner…you got to be careful,cause what you say,can be held against you,that it might come back around,and bite you,that all i’m saying…remember…your tongue is your worst enemies…but,each it on…
http://www.freedomreeves.com Freedom

I think it only matters in terms of health. Get tested together and if you’re both good, it shouldn’t be an issue. Now, as far as using the past to look for future behaviors, that can be dangerous and self-sabotaging. Pay attention and trust your gut, and you pick up on red flags if they’re there.
http://twitter.com/RuleYourWife Reggie Williams

The subject matter is always an interesting topic that has pros and cons on both sides. But here’s real talk. While your spouse may verbally keep their sexual past in the past, their present actions (what they will do sexually or won’t do sexually or being pissed off with you because you won’t do sexually) takes up residences in your marriage.

One spouse wants one thing, the other spouse doesn’t b/c that reminds them of some sexual relationship of the past. It ain’t never talked about because what’s in the past is in the past. And now there’s an issue in the marriage and one partner is clueless to where this issues are sprouting from. But you claim what’s in the past is in the past – “Not.”

Yes this is a slippery subject. But you better keep it real with come “Courageous Conversations” if you want to prevent your marriage from hit the proverbial brick wall.

http://www.ruleyourwife316.com

gigi184

you tell ‘em. Preach!!

guest

I believe in full disclosure. A person’s sexual history says a lot about his or her character. We got that out of the way when we first started dating.
T. Rogers

Different people will approach this different ways. Personally, I believe in putting it all on the table. If something has the potential to cause a problem I would rather disclose it upfront than bury it in the past. It is not about judging someone. I just think it is important to know if there are patterns you need to be on the look out for.

A good friend of mine hooked up with a woman who had a history of being abused in relationships. As a result of the abuse she had some serious emotional issues that did not show up right away. She never disclosed the previous abuse. Long story short their relationship took a sharp turn for the worse due to issues she was still dealing with from being abused.

To me, it is not about sex. It is about understanding what the other person may be dealing with. If a woman has been in an abusive relationship I want to know. If she slept with half the guys in town I would like to know that as well. Maybe there is a deeper issue going on that led her to do that. I’d like to be aware of that issue up front. In my opinion, family history, personal history, and financial history are three things potential married couples need to be transparent about.
Mdavis_jr

Yes and no who want a sneaky partner.he or she might have been something they don’t want what if she was a flipper and he gay and lord no whatever else.
Guest

well…just yesterday i disclosed my sexual past to my fiance and we’ve been together for 5+ years. It was never an issue before and I don’t anticipate it will ever be. I don’t think you need to talk about it until you’re talking about marriage, if you need to talk about it at all. If it was a dramatic sexual past, definitely your partner should know! but other than that…no details necessary.
mike

I think as a man, its good to dig up a little past so that you know the devil in the angel. this will help you to find a way of dealing with the angel, and keep her an angel, there are many causes for sexual activities be4 marriage; including age and curiosity, wrong parents and friends, bad genes sometimes, state of poverty, women empowerment in that country, and many more. so your angel has a past and so do you, its these skeletons in our closets that make us strong and think better,mostly when we share them. we share them not to scare our partners but have them know us and accept us 4 who we are, we are all devils in our own way.

so move on with your angel and show thw whole world that she or he is worth something to you and for ever
http://twitter.com/RuleYourWife Reggie Williams

Check out the hyperlink to a video post that speak on this issue.

http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/2011/03/my-wife-told-me-she-was-a-virgin-but-i-found-out-shes-had-anal-sex/

http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
http://twitter.com/Curlymisfit313 Danni

I would normally be all for disclosure if women weren’t judged so much more harshly than men. In my opinion, most men who consider themselves to have a rather average or tame past, would look unfavorably on their wives or girlfriends with similar sexual histories. Because of this I can not support full disclosure….excluding discussions on family planning, STDs, sexual abuse or same-sex experiences.

M.Phenomenon

If that man judges you and looks at you different because of your past, chances are he probably doesn’t love you.
Biggyrlz

I wouldn’t disclose about sexual abuse or rape because that could get thrown in your face as well. Speaking from experience. And to be honest it is not a pleasant feeling to get to a point where you can try and heal from it and disclose it to someone that is supposed to be able to trust.

Angie

Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
Angie

Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
Angie

Wow – this is a very interesting topic, and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. I am not married….yet, but I am open to discussing my sexual past with men that I have been in relationships with. For me, the topic inevitably comes up because I am a virgin who intends to abstain until marriage, and I think it is only fair that men who might be interested in me be made aware that sex will not enter into the dating equation I believe this may have caused some men to feel uncomfortable sharing their pasts with me, but I see it as only fair to know the sexual history of a potential spouse – especially since they’ve been privy to mine (or lack thereof, lol!). Now this doesn’t mean that I need to know every little detail of every intimate encounter, but I would appreciate gaining an understanding of how the past has shaped the present in terms of their preferences, likes and dislikes when it comes to bedroom activities. Enjoying the discussion!
M.Phenomenon

Hmm, this is a tough one. I personally would prefer not to know too much about my wife’s past. There are of course some things that I needed to know and she disclosed them to me because they weren’t things that could be omitted from a conversation about our sexual relationship. But at the same time, as a man it is difficult to imagine another man doing anything to your wife. That is the reason why I usually prevent her from telling anything more than the basics like any type of abuse, when she lost her virginity, etc.

I also wanted to comment on what the author says about her situation and the anecdote she used. She stated that, “As long as I knew that he was disease-free, didn’t have any potential baby mamas somewhere, and wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, I wanted to be spared the gory details about what may have occurred before I came along.” Well then she stated about the anecdote, “In my opinion, this is something his wife had a right to know before they walked down the aisle.” Well that is a bit contradictory to me. I agree more with the second point that perhaps that should be something shared because you never know if he may show those tendencies again, but it doesn’t fit into anything of the categories the author originally described. So I would add that I think any relations with the same sex should ABSOLUTELY be discussed and in detail. The problem with that is, how do you know what the truth is and if they aren’t still being influenced by that. We live in a day and time where that topic has become taboo in our community, particularly with men. I think that is something that should be discussed. If your partner keeps something like that hidden from you then perhaps the answer is clearer than what they may or may not tell you.
http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com FirstladyShonda

Wow, this is difficult for most couples. But, I think it should be shared especially concerning health issues. But, when you get married you should always be open and honest with your partner. If they ask, I would recommend you letting them know. There is no need for secrets or graphic information.
http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com FirstladyShonda

Wow, this is difficult for most couples. But, I think it should be shared especially concerning health issues. But, when you get married you should always be open and honest with your partner. If they ask, I would recommend you letting them know. There is no need for secrets or graphic information.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_NAKKIZAFTLZLMHPZHIID3QRUHI tysgem

DON’T DO IT. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. TRUST ME. BROTHERS CAN’T HANDLE IT NO MATTER THEY MAY TELL YOU.

Biggyrlz

Tell em!! I know from experience and that is so very hurtful to have it thrown in your face … NEVER AGAIN!!

Couplesllc

Some day your past will haunt you if you don’t up front discuss with a mature person that you first must have the relationship with. Because of beliefs we with hold alot from each other but want truth and honesty out of the other person. Give the person a chance to accept or reject what you share with them. People we truly have to grow up and mature, relationships and marriages are on a roller coaster LOW. Invest in your relationship and protect it. If you don’t deposit in it you can’t reap anything from it. This is not a game!! Once you accept the past, forgive and Love, move forward to assure each other of support.
Writewaywriting

We live in a self-indulgent age that asserts that everyone needs to know everything about us all the time as if the world is all about us and no one else. People who feel the need to divulge all their dirty details in an effort to “be honest with a spouse…” might be a case of trying to relieve guilt instead of truly love someone else. I believe that if you have done something in your sexual history that could potentially hurt your spouse then you should let them know but otherwise keep your mouth shut and vow to be a better relationship partner in this new found love.
http://twitter.com/MzIndira N Clax

NEVER tell a man. My hubby knew only b/c we were friends for 7 years before we dated. Ever heard Chris Rock’s stand up on the subject. It’s true: “Two? TWO? I guess that’s just how you was raised” LMBO. No matter how few (or many) men you’ve been with, even if he’s been with 4 times that amount, it’s TOO many to him. Period. Aja’s point is well-taken, you need to know JUST ENOUGH to verify no defaulted upon child support (prior children) and no diseases.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001527579457 Kristina Brooke Daniele

Great post! I believe that it is important to share. My husband and I have a a completely open relationship and both feel that even if the other may get upset about a past experience, because those experience can and do shape who we are as people it is important to share them. I trust my husband to tell me everything- it is a trust that he shares with me – and any realization that that trust has been broken can change the foundation of our marriage. When you share your life with someone, you have to share your life – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Anonymous

I wrote about this in a post called “Ghosts of Sex Lives Past” ~> http://happilymarriedafter.org/2011/09/14/ghosts-of-sex-lives-past-in-marriage/