It’s Not What You Say But…

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on March 3rd, 2011 | 11 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Since I’m a writer I put a lot of stock in having “the right words” available. I figure, if I state my case clearly enough then my husband should be able to understand whatever I’m trying to say.

But that wasn’t always the case. I already knew the stats about how so much of what we say is communicated through body language (up to 80% in some cases), but there are other factors that keep us from communicating as clearly as we should.

After all, it’s not what you say but…

…When you say it. I am the queen of wanting to get into a deep, philosophical conversation at 11:59 p.m. It’s when I get my second wind and my brain needs to be stimulated before I go to sleep. With my husband? His brain shut off two hours before and the last thing he wants is to have me peck-peck-pecking away at him when he’s trying to wind down for the night. Timing is everything people. Pick a mutually beneficial time for both of you to discuss what’s going on in your relationships.

…How you say it. You better dip that tongue in honey before you open your mouth! I’ve cringed so many times at the way some couples I know communicate. It’s an old habit, to be sure. Once you get in that pattern of “Here goes another stupid argument” it’s hard to break out of it. And who wants to appear weak when they’re merely trying to diffuse the situation? Here’s a hint: Start fresh. Let go of all the past arguments, resentments, hurt feelings or whatever it is that doesn’t allow you to speak in the tone of voice (namely, respect and love) that your spouse or partner deserves to hear.

…Why you say it. Sometimes we think we have the best intentions but we’re really looking at it from out perspective. Will what you’re saying have an impact on both of you, or just you? Is it a selfish desire that’s opening your mouth to speak or a geniune need to make some improvements? Double-check your intentions before stepping up to the plate and avoid the strike-out.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

http://twitter.com/socialchnge Jenise Bradshaw

Wow, I love this. I will forward it to my husband; because I don’t know how else to say what was said here.
TheMrs

I constantly am telling people that it’s not what you say but how you say it. And this goes for all relationships that we are involved in (i.e. work, friends, etc.). When explaining it to a teen I bring it to their level with an example of myself telling them off with a big grin on my face and a pleasant tone and then I give them a compliment with venom in my voice and a wicked grin…the point gets across!!!
Ruby Griffin

In any situation,y’all voices are being heard…but someone got to be the grown up,and listening…As crazy.as this may sound…too much talking,can mess up a good thang,for instance,you have talk yourself upon something,and you keep talking,and you have talk yourself right out of it….for simply,not knowing when to speak up,or when to shut up…It’s not what you say,But, when you say it…
Ruby Griffin

In any situation,y’all voices are being heard…but someone got to be the grown up,and listening…As crazy.as this may sound…too much talking,can mess up a good thang,for instance,you have talk yourself upon something,and you keep talking,and you have talk yourself right out of it….for simply,not knowing when to speak up,or when to shut up…It’s not what you say,But, when you say it…
http://twitter.com/RuleYourWife Reggie Williams

In a 4×100 relay race the goal is to 1st, to cross the finish line (winning is not important for this discussion). In that race the baton serves as the communication between each runner. There are three things that “MUST” occur if they are too run a winnable race.

1) Trust – the second, third and fourth runners must trust that the baton (communication) will put placed in their hand so that they can receive it and continue running. Remember the receiving runner “never looks back” “only ahead.”

2) Timing – the baton (communication) has to be placed in the preceding runner’s hand at the right time. If not the baton (communication) is dropped and the race becomes a “Sure” defeat.

3) in Tune – the runner passing the baton (communication) and the runner receiving the baton must be so in tune that the transfer of communication is “Seamless;” they are on “One Accord.”
In closing understand this; the fastest team doesn’t always win. Oftentimes it is the team who is best at achieving trust, timing and being in tune. The why in all of this is “We” are trying to win.

Great post Tara. I thought I would use the above analogy to drive home your points.

http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Chrissy0131

I really love the number 2 point, it’s HOW you say it, if it’s one thing my husband always tell me it’s that he doesn’t mind when I have something to say he just doesn’t like the way I present it. I sometimes get into the habit of lecturing him or yelling the words at him rather than speaking like the two adults we are and calmly telling him what I need to tell him. I am def. in the process of trying to remember to dip my tongue in honey before I speak.
Karon1

Great article but since we cover four of the “W’s” we address them all. What & Where can be also make or break a conversation also with our spouses. “What” can be under of the content itself. Is it really that important to have a conversation (or debate…lol) about. I find in most marriages as a Christian counselor, couples get into the most mind-boggling arguments. The toilet seat being up or down, which side of the plate does the fork goes, etc. The other which to me is the most dramatic of them all is there “where”. I’ve seen in most African-American marriages most “discussion/arguments” are made known at the wrong place in front of anybody & everybody. Unless one sees Jesus coming out of the clouds it makes no sense to “express” oneself in public atmospheres. I have even seen it happen in church. I’m sorry the only person that supposed to be proving there point at that time (not our pastors) but God Himself!
Karon1

Great article but since we cover four of the “W’s” we address them all. What & Where can be also make or break a conversation also with our spouses. “What” can be under of the content itself. Is it really that important to have a conversation (or debate…lol) about. I find in most marriages as a Christian counselor, couples get into the most mind-boggling arguments. The toilet seat being up or down, which side of the plate does the fork goes, etc. The other which to me is the most dramatic of them all is there “where”. I’ve seen in most African-American marriages most “discussion/arguments” are made known at the wrong place in front of anybody & everybody. Unless one sees Jesus coming out of the clouds it makes no sense to “express” oneself in public atmospheres. I have even seen it happen in church. I’m sorry the only person that supposed to be proving there point at that time (not our pastors) but God Himself!
mike

well Jefferson we have the same mind, i think, am gona follow you every where. thanks for the tip, am getting married soon, i will buy what say now
mike

well Jefferson we have the same mind, i think, am gona follow you every where. thanks for the tip, am getting married soon, i will buy what say now
Theomzone

I love this article and tweeted it to my peeps. I am always amazed how quickly some couples lose their gentleness with each other. I talk to my clients about tone of voice more then I care to admit. How you ask for something can be the difference between a loving request or a condescending order – same words, different tone.
I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. I always read your blog. This one was particularly good.

Lisa
http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com

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