Are All Relationships Rocky At Some Point? (Is There Truth To The Seven Year Itch?)

Relationships

by Tara Pringle Jefferson | on March 17th, 2011 | 8 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

A recent study declaring the third year of a relationship the new “seven-year-itch” got a lot of play on the web last week.

In the study of more than 2,000 adults, researchers said that the quality of the relationship – including frequency of sex, evenings spent dining out and other displays of romance and affection – declined after three years in a relationship.

But can we generalize these results? Is this true for (mostly) everyone? Do we need to take heed when people warn that even though we feel so cozy and connected only a few months (or years) in, we need to be prepared for the fireworks to eventually fizzle?

My husband and I will be celebrating our fourth anniversary (*does running man*) this summer and I have to admit that our third year of marriage (and our seventh year in a relationship) was definitely the hardest. But because of those struggles and some clarity-causing arguments, we feel like we’re stronger than ever. I read this quote on Twitter and it seems like it’s most definitely appropriate for me and my marriage: “”More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes AFTER the worse.” (Hat tip to @KnotChocolate for finding that gem.)

I don’t ever want to tell someone who’s looking to get married that most days will be easy. I don’t want to give them the illusion that if you find yourself working hard at your relationship, then something must be horribly wrong.

But I also think we need to be telling the truth about these “declines” in relationship quality. If we were totally honest with ourselves, it’s nothing that we can’t overcome. Most of the problems mentioned in the article – longer working hours, overexposure to in-laws, bad personal hygiene habits – can be fixed with communication and patience.

And most often, once we solve these problems, the barriers to the emotional intimacy that once came so easily to us now come tumbling down. Our relationships are stronger, are reinforced. We need to not just talk about how to get through these barriers, but how the drive to overcome these obstacles have a payoff of their own.

BMWK family, did you find you had a decline in relationship quality around the three-year (or seven-year) mark? How did you overcome it?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.

Tamara

Our 3rd year was pretty good, but I REALLY hope we bypass the so-called “7 year itch” as we are celebrating our 7th anniversary this August!
http://twitter.com/ajajackson Aja Dorsey Jackson

I Idon’t think the things they use to determine the quality of a relationship are true indicators of relationship satisfaction. If I were to base the quality of our relationship on displays of affection like dining out and frequency of sex then we have definitely declined, mostly because when we got married we didn’t have a 2-year-old. which is probably true of a lot of couples. But I am much more satisfied with my marriage heading in to year four than I was in year one. For reasons like comfort level, trust, closeness. Not to say that you shouldn’t work to keep sparks flying either, but I would venture to guess that most people that have been married 30 years aren’t having sex as much as they did when they were newlyweds- but it doesn’t mean their marriage is worse.

Ronnie_BMWK

Aja said exactly what I was thinking. Great article Tara.

Clark007

I have been married 5 years (blended family of 6 children, two grandsons)and we have yet to have a “honeymoon period”. 3 of the 6 children lived at home at the beginning of our marriage and only 1 now that should be working on moving out too. We did not discuss alot of expectations…children, finances, housecleaning etc. together as husband and wife or as a family, which was our fault and these issues have led to many of our problems. I can’t believe that we are still married to be honest and all I can think is will we make it to 6 years? Right about now a “5 year-scratch” might be what we need to stay together. Honestly we do need some serious help to have a Godly marriage. One thing I can say to anyone who is thinking about getting married or newly married, if you didn’t discuss the major things…Do it now!
DrMIK

I think there is some truth to this…Relationships need continuous work. To work on things, doesn’t mean you love each other any less–in fact you work to STAY as happy and as satisfied as you were the day you get married because you love your marriage and partenr SO much! But the routine of life can get a little “boring.” Couples have to keep each toher happy–but you sometimes have to let your partner know what you need/desire. Wether it be more sex, more dates, more romance, etc.–you have to talk these things out. It’s worth it to talk it out and then act it out. How can you be married for 50 years and not think you wont have to put a little extra effort into things??
http://www.happyhomebakery.com mochazina

we had issues around that time, but it seemed to me to be based on the introspective *what are we doing?* manifesting over time (rather than arbitrary dissatisfaction). just like any other job, relationship, or endeavor, after many years one starts to evaluate its purpose & functions. successful couples can (as noted in this article) come out better on the other side of that rough time.
M&N ~ 8/11/01
TheMrs

My husband and I have been together for close to 19 yrs(anniversary 6/2) and we have gone through a few 3 yr itch periods. Each has been unique based on where we were in life and where we planned to be at that point. I also don’t think we are both going through the “itch” at the same time. There have been a few times when we both wanted to throw in the towel and something major occurs and we realize that we couldn’t have gone through it without the other by our side. We are currently going through the “itch” and found that we need to devote more time to our relationship as a couple since we are bombarded with our family responsibilities, the turning point for us was the death of my cousin, his cousin, and my grandfather in a 5 wk period…neither of us could have gotten through this without eachother holding us up.
Firstladydavis52

Our year was neither of the two listed it was fives years for me and with lots of prayer and staying committed to the relationship we will be celebrating 34 years in April. God is a sustainer!!!