Be The Change You Wish To See In Your Relationship
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
One of my favorite quotes to pull myself through any struggles or challenges in my marriage isn’t even marriage related – it’s from Gandhi. “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” What did he mean by that? In this interview, his grandson adds some explanation:
“He mentioned this because people kept saying to him that the world has to change for us to change. He said, “No, the world will not change if we don’t change.” So we have to make the beginning ourselves. It has always been our human nature to blame someone else for everything that is happening. It’s never us. We are never at fault. And he tried to make us realize that we are just as much in the fault as anybody else. Unless we change ourselves and help people around us change, nobody will change because then everybody will be waiting for the other person to change.”
If that’s not applicable to marriage I don’t know what is.
I found myself getting nowhere the first year or two of my marriage when I wanted all solutions to come from my husband. “If only he would….” I’d think to myself. HE needed to make a specific change. HE needs to make the first move to fix things. HE needed to apologize first.
During one time where I was frustrated not only with our marriage but the entire concept of marriage, I was digging around in an old carton and found the copy of The Power of A Praying Wife that one of my friends gifted to me as a wedding gift. I then found The Power of A Praying Husband book that her husband gave to my husband. I got upset because his book hadn’t even been touched. He obviously didn’t care about the health of our relationship, I thought.
But then I got real with myself. My book wasn’t marked up, I hadn’t read it cover to cover and in fact I had only glanced at the introduction before tossing it in the “Books I’m Going To Read But Probably Not For A While” pile. Where was MY commitment?
So I sat down and committed myself to reading one chapter a day until I finished the book. Each day, I prayed for a different reason. That my husband would have strength at work, that he would feel loved and fulfilled as he came home to his family, that he would stay healthy. Each day, I made it a point to do this quietly, not to get praise or recognition for my efforts, but to genuinely reflect on what I was doing and if it was making a positive change in our marriage. It did.
Fast-forward to two years later, and I continue the practice. Whenever I am frustrated with an area of our marriage – whether it’s communication lagging, household chores not being distributed in a way that feels comfortable for me, sex life on the fritz – I remember my commitment and take matters into my own hands. If I’m complaining that the romance is gone, I arrange for a babysitter and take him out on a date. If I’m complaining that we don’t talk as much as we used to, I’m finishing up my work early so we can chit-chat after the kids go to bed and before the Lakers come on.
Some people might balk at this. “What happened to 50/50? What about them? What if they’re really not doing their part?” I know because I used to ask myself those questions, too. But really, it’s not about your spouse. I suspect deep down you already know that. You can’t make anyone do anything or treat you the way you want to be treated. But what you can do is set the example and let your partner rise to the occasion.
Be the change you want to see in your relationship. It will pay dividends for your relationship.
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
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