“Help” Versus “Doing Your Fair Share”
by Tara Pringle Jefferson
In my Family Theories class last semester, our professor made it a point to address the underlying assumptions about gender roles we were harboring.
Several of us in the class were married women and we would begin to talk about our husbands and families during the course of the discussion.
Frequently we would begin our conversations with statements like, “My husband helps with the laundry,” or “My kids helped me when they made the beds this morning.”
Our professor would interrupt us and ask us about what we we were really saying. “Does your husband help you with the laundry or is he washing the clothes for his family?”
What she was really asking us what about how we as wives and mothers assumed it was our responsibility to bring in money, keep the house clean, do the laundry, look after the kids, cook the dinners, etc. If, in 2011, our husbands washed dishes or sorted the dirty clothes, why was it that he was “helping us”? Why, she asked, did we (both parties) not view his contributions as just that – contributions to the family, not picking up the slack where the wives left off?
This topic has been on my mind for a while (and coincidental that it was the topic of the latest Honey Do episode on MyCulture.tv), as I’ve recently transitioned to a work-at-home mom. When we were both working outside of the home, I did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid stuff. But now that I’m home all day with the kids and work doesn’t magically stop at 5 p.m. we’ve reexamining our responsibilities and settling on who does what.
For some reason, I do feel like it is my responsibility to make sure the house runs smoothly. Do I welcome my husband’s contributions? Heck yeah. But if he forgets to lotion up the babies after the bath, or he forgets that we’re running low on Pull-Ups, ultimately I feel like it’s my fault for not being on top of it.
This mentality of “I’m the President, you’re just a figurehead” that we as women sometimes fall prey to? It has to end. For our sake. For our husband’s. Because when we assume control over everything, when we step up to the plate with the purest of intentions, sometimes we shut out our partner. Our husbands might not know how much we take on, how many little details are swimming in our head because it’s on our shoulders. We need to step back and let them know how heavy that Superwoman cape really is, and let their broad shoulders wear it for a little while. They can handle it. Trust me.
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
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